Rachel is all of us and we are Rachel. It’s why even though this was filmed months ago, Rachel is cracking under the drama surrounding the Bachelor franchise. The B’s in P stuff. We’ve seen this before.

 

Somehow she finds a way to soldier on and trim some fat at the rose ceremony.

In such a delicate time we need a dependable face. Deans’ face. Ladies you let me know, does Dean seem like your girlfriend’s cute younger brother. Like, yeah he’s only a freshman and think about the scandal, but should I ask him to Tolo? And would we go surfy  or maybe denim?

Also because this is such a delicate time, let’s go in a blimp. Nothing bad ever happens in a blimp.

A blimp even went down this past weekend at a golf tournament. Golf is feeling the weight of what’s happened in Bachelors in Paradise.

 

Quick note: It is a bummer what happened down there and it’s legit squirrely and potentially really messed up and weird. Obviously we all hope for the best in that situation.

Quicker note: B’s IN P’s is back on! They’ve seen the footage and apparently nothing untoward went on down there. That sentence has double meaning. Sorry, books but you’ll have to find somebody else to read you this summer. I’m watching television.

Next up is a Booze Cruise!

It’s time for a white to try rapping. It’s time for Rachel to do the Titanic thing on the bow because I guess we’re still doing that. If it’s ok to live like it’s 1997 I’d enjoy one of those Macintosh computers with the colored back and about a week alone with Napster. Gonna get some 311 for free! Know that we have always been down, down.

Lot of bare chests and Iggy wearing a white tee shirt because of course he’s the sad overlooked kid sitting in the shallow end of the pool having a splash fight with no one. Go hug a chubby kid in a pool. Hug ‘em tight and don’t let go. I’m asking you to drive to a public or a private pool and hug an overweight child.

Love isn’t just about abdominals. It’s also about a super unfair spelling bee. “Stunning”, really? Who puts “Stunning” in the same round as boud…I can’t even begin to spell the French word for bedroom. Not even close enough for Google translate to help. Spelling shines its love on the least humble dude left and we have to watch him kiss a trophy for the next 20 mins.

Like any versatile blouse, true douchebagary can go from day to night. The men claw at each other between sips of hard and soft liquor.

Let’s look more closely at our gentlemen, realizing that it’s now Thursday and so much has happened in the world since Monday night. I don’t know about any of it because I have a one month old that peed in his own mouth last week. In fact, truth be told because that’s what this experience is all about, I didn’t catch the rose ceremony. I’ll be faking my way through below. See if you can tell. Guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red. Party on, Wayne.

Didn’t see much from Adam this week. He misspelled a word and the crowd didn’t seem to care. We can scratch another group off the list of folks that find Adam to be interesting.

• Rachel
• Old people who attend romantic-themed spelling bees in the middle of the day

 

Alex’s purple tiger striped suit did all the talking for him this week. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Russian fashion on our screens.

 

Anthony is a better speller than he got credit for. The man can ride a horse. He’s a teacher with above average spelling skills. And his head is like the sands of the Sahara. So smooth. If I’m a tiny bug on that thing I’m trudging along and praying for water. Probably cut the bottoms off my pants and I’m using them as a hat to shield me from the sun.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

I’m told, Rachel is wondering if Bryan is “too good to be true”. I think she’s seeing through the ambition. She wants a quiet moment with Bryan, one where he isn’t trying so hard. Can Bryan browse through a Barnes & Noble without yelling about how much he loved the Maze Runner trilogy or heading straight for the music section and over-dancing to whatever he’s listening to, hoping people will notice him and ask if he’s on TV? There’s a lot going on beneath the surface.

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

Dean is afraid of heights but he gets past it on a scary blimp ride. We are reminded that the guy is like 6 years younger than Rachel. Fred’s gotta be sitting at home thinking, “What does Dean have that I don’t?” Poor, poor Fred. Later at dinner we learn that Dean’s family fell apart after his mom died and he basically raised himself from 16 on. That’s pretty legit. This guy is likable. I just don’t see him winning. Maybe he’s the new Jared. Somebody tell that crazy Kardashian wannabe whose name I’ve already forgotten, that a new unhealthy obsession is about to be sad and single.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

We waited two weeks to see if Eric would start turning over tables. Turns out he squashed the crazy about one minute into this week’s show. Somebody was paying attention to a very special episode of Beverly Hills 90210.

SQUASH IT!

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

It’s so painful to watch Iggy. He’s the tattle tail. He’s the guy that thinks his prom date is out talking to her girlfriends while instead she’s going to second base with some dude in his lowered truck in the parking lot. Guy’s got a removable face on his car stereo. You can’t compete with that, Iggy. No one can.

 

I didn’t see any of Jack Stone but I can only assume he stared adversity in the face and adversity lost.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

Jonathan escapes another elimination and we learn that he’s a doctor. Life is terrifying.

 

What are the odds Josiah watches himself on TV and says, “Josiah needs to change. Josiah needs to be humble and because Josiah succeeds at life on his own brilliance, Josiah’s gonna beat this thing.”?  Get me on a plane and to the MGM Grand, stat. I will bet my mortgage it. Then I’ll play some $10 black J and hit the lazy river. Vegas is the best.

 

At one point, Kenny closes his eyes, bows his head and says, “Pray for Kenny”. That is his prayer. He’s praying in the third person and he’s doing it wrong. I mean, as a christian guy I’m all for talking to God and I believe there’s pretty much no wrong way to do it. But Kenny found it. Looks like his beef with Lee is gonna reach a boiling point next week. God please pray to yourself that Kenny doesn’t do anything bad.

 

Lee is Billy Zane in Titanic, pushing women and children out of lifeboats. Lee would steal your bike and then say, “I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m just being honest about wanting your bike!” No joke, if you came to the office and said, “Man this guy cut me off on the commute in and didn’t wave or anything”, Lee would jump in, shake his head and say, “Asians”. And everybody would look at him wierd and wonder how he got through the interview process. I’m not saying Lee is racist I’m just saying look at his picture and tell me that isn’t “hood hair”. White, pointy, sheet, hood hair. Lee is not my favorite.

 

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

Saw none of Matt this week, unless he played a major role. Matt gets this season’s, “Hollow Man” award. It’s not worth it, Kevin Bacon!!!! The serum makes you crazy!!!!!!

Lizzy Shue really worked that short hair.

 

Peter rapped. It went exactly how you’d think it would go.

 

Will is coming on strong! The guy reads six books a day? He’s a super under the radar genius. I’m calling it right now. Will is a lock for the fantasy suites and could be in there at the final rose ceremony.

We get back to back eps next week!!!! Monday and Tuesday are going to be epic.

g