Week 5.1 – Getting Swept up in the Tide of Realness

Welcome to the middle stages of the season, the golden stages where this show really hits its peak. It’s like drinking while bowling. That second game is always where the magic happens.

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By about the 7th frame of the third game, things get quiet, you’re wishing your fingers fit into that pink 6 pound ball, and the cute guy you’re trying to impress is talking on his Moto Razr cell telephone.Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 9.46.30 AM.png

At this point you’re either a chiropractor who loud-kisses Rachel on the reg or you’re wallowing in a friendzone that’s widening by the second. What’s worse is that you’re either blind to the widening or you’re talking yourself into it not being there at all.

We’ve all been there, wishing, hoping, pouring on compliments and then doubling down on those compliments when nothing seems to move the needle. It’s the reason that watching these guys walking into heartbreak, one awkward smile at a time, has us watching with our toes curled and our wine glasses close by.

But, as Jason Lee once told us in the mid 2000’s, “…the sweet is never as sweet without the sour”.

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And just like in Vanilla Sky, watching Jack Stone has me wanting to yell, “TECH SUPPOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” More on that later.

One time in college I woke up with a bad zit on my face. For an entire day, I walked around with a band aid over it and told people I banged my cheek on the dresser. Eventually I was called out and rightfully teased. Why tell you a story about hiding my shame? Well, if I were the type to make sweeping generalizations about race, I might suggest that Dean’s choice to go, jockstrap-and-cup-on-the-outside-of-his-super tight-outfit, was more than just him being silly. For those visual learners out there,

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But I’m not the type to make sweeping generalizations about race so I won’t. Gotta keep this thing above the belt.

Who needs a rose ceremony when passion lines are being drawn? If you’re not creating a spark you’re just tickling your way through this thing.

Oslo has it all figured out. Bumper sticker idea: “Oslo fjord the win!”

We also get a refresher that a good marker for a successful marriage is your ability to rappel off something tall with a stranger.

If you don’t work out in jeans and cowboy boots then you’re doing it wrong.

Norway is cold and our two favorite adversaries aren’t respecting the great white north. But this isn’t the first time we’ve seen someone wear the wrong thing when it matters most.

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All I’m saying is, you can put a hood on a henley but you’re not fooling mother nature. That’s another bumper sticker idea but for a really long bumper sticker. I guess, making bumper stickers really long, is also a bumper sticker idea. This is turning into a different blog.

In the end, we were left to yell at our TVs, “Don’t take the bait, Kenny!!!!!!”

What will happen tonight? One thing is for sure.

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Let’s take a quick look at how our guys did, knowing we’ll be right back at this tomorrow. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red.

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Another inexplicable rose for Adam, this show’s invisible man. But good for him. Last night while watching, my wife said, “I wan’t to see more of Adam”. I was surprised by that.

 

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Alex is sappy. He sang poorly a few weeks ago and today he’s reading a…letter?…a poem?…we don’t really know what it is, but Rachel feels like making out so Alex gets some smooches.

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Anthony plays it cool. He actually looks pretty natural in that funky handball uniform. I guess it’s true what the bumper sticker says, a smooth forehead really does go with any look. Is anybody writing down these amazing bumper sticker ideas???

 

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Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

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Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

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Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

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Bryan is a smooth talker and ironically, a super loud kisser. This is tough on us because he makes out with Rachel a ton. We learn that she likes him, A LOT. This guy is destined for the fantasy suites. I could easily see him winning it all with Peter becoming the next bachelor. Even the other guys are conceding that Bryan’s got it going on.

 

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Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

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Dean used humor to distract from his shortcomings, or maybe they’re just his averagecomings.  He also wore a fun sweatshirt that had intentional rips in it. Dean is alright with me. He is young enough to be the next Bachelor and I think ladies could be into him a little bit. Something to keep in the back pocket of your handball spandex.

 

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Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

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Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

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Eric has racial questions. Will (or maybe Anthony) has really insightful answers. It’s a nice moment of well-tempered discussion. Did somebody break into the editing suite and slip this past producers? And just when you think Eric is simply hanging on, Rachel kisses him. Either he’s doing something right or Rachel just really wanted to make out after that group date.

 

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We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

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Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

 

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Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

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   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

 

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Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

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The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

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We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

 

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This season is about 3 things so far:

  • Corny game
  • Speaking in the third person
  • Inspirational saying/Bible verse Chest tattoos

Josiah is hitting those first two bullets hard. Can’t remember if he’s got the third but I’d bet on it. In a try-hard suave voice, Josiah goes on and on about how he wants to grow old with Rachel. She stops him and says, “But you don’t know me and you never ask me any questions about myself.” Josiah takes this cue and asks a poignant question tells Rachel how she’s so perceptive and that’s one thing he loves about her. Nobody but Josiah is impressed.

 

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Oh Kenny. You just couldn’t leave it alone. The snake wasn’t tempting Rachel in the super cold Norwegian garden, he was tempting YOU! There was no need to lash out. Everyone knows that in negotiating the price of a used car and waiting out a 2 on 1 date that the first person to speak loses. And this was after you dropped the hammer, “I feel sorry for Lee’s parents because they have to sit there and watch this and say to themselves, that’s our son.” You said that, Kenny. There’s nothing left to say! And yet it’s so much easier to comment from the sidelines. If I had to spend 2 minutes with Lee I’d probably want to grab him by the hair and toss him into whatever river that was he was sitting next to. It might happen tonight. We know that Kenny bleeds, but how?!!

 

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Which is dumber, Lee’s hair or the fact that he shaves his mustache but leaves the beard? Put those hands together people. And then, when you pull those hands apart, don’t; take a shower, do your hair, put on jeans a tee shirt and cowboy boots, AND THEN go work out. Is there a bottom to the well of Lee’s doucheyness? And if not, will physics allow for us to push him down it? My brain hurts. Thanks, Lee.

 

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“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

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Matt looks at Adam and says, “NO!” I’m the one everybody forgets is still here. That’s MY role, man. You think I tease what’s left of the front of my hair for nothing? Poor guys. Many of us have to deal with something called, “the front of our hair”. If you’ve only known hair that has no beginning and no end, then take stock in that blessing. It is real.

 

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How long was Peter’s portion of that group date nighttime jacuzzi tub sesh? Think about it, they have to have a normal conversation in two spots, then decide to get in the tub. He’s got to wrangle a suit, they have to fill the tub, light the shot, figure out how the camera man can fit into the tub with the two of them, find him a suit—something tastefull that doesn’t show up on screen, then they have to make out, then get over the silliness of it all, towel off, put make up on, get back into their fancy clothes, and walk back into the room with all the other guys. That’s like 2 hours minimum. By the time Peter doesn’t get the group date rose it is light outside. At least he smells like bath product. Peter’s going all the way to the end of this thing and I’d bet he’ll be the next Bachelor.

 

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Will just keeps climbing. Because my lovely wife is awesome at statistics I made this chart to illustrate Will’s performance on the show.

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Proud of me, hun? Will is smart. Rachel thinks he’s good looking, and the two of them shared a stolen kiss in a doorway. If you’re kissing in a doorway you’re kissing for real. I’ve got Will squarely in my top 4.

We’ll have to see if anybody else takes a leap tonight! Happy watching everybody.

g

 

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