Carnage. That’s what we all witnessed last night. From the jump it was like the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan out there. (Because we all know how jacked up that was, here is a picture of a puppy instead. He’s even on a beach, you’re welcome.)

Sure, bad guys went down but we lost a lot of good ones too. That’s just how it goes. Perfect on paper really is a thing. Like, I can draw a donut and it looks great but if I eat one in real life my shirts are harder to button all the way to the top.

Hey Kenny, how’s about we go ahead and just…

You read that in Arnold’s voice and I’m sorry. It’s an impression that never needs to be done again. I just couldn’t help myself because sleep isn’t part of my life anymore.

The fellas board a plane to Denmark, but apparently, not before a trip to Burlington Coat Factory. Lot of fun, warm jackets last night.

The group date gave us Viking games and bloodied eyes. As day turned to night, one man went on the offensive, painting a picture of a perfect life. Another sat back and was begged for a kiss. Later, he walked away with the rose. It just goes to show that the best way to woo a women is to be really handsome. Don’t try so hard. Just have great bone structure and an effortless side-part. Simple.

We also learned that sometimes, it just works. You can come from different places and end up in a tiny boat in the middle of Copenhagen, or kissing on a merry-go-round, or if you’re mid-90s Mark Whalberg and Reese Witherspoon, enjoying a roller-coaster.

Wild horses couldn’t take me away from how great Rachel and Eric seem to be together. Even two elderly Danes thought they were married.

Then we got to see what happens when two serious people stand next to each other at a Swedish lookout. I didn’t have, “they talk about shipping terminals in between long periods of painful silence” in the office pool. But that’s what happens when you travel to a place known for its levity.

 

It’s back to Denmark for a dinner that’s like when you use conditioner in the shower but don’t fully rinse it out and then you spend the rest of the day with hair that just won’t do anything.

The rose ceremony is hard on Rachel because she has to say goodbye to the sweetest Russian since vodka, milk, and Kahlua got together in a glass.

But hey, we all survived. Next week looks like a toughie for everybody but before we go speculating let’s give each of our guys one sentence below. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red.

 

Back to the breadline. 

Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone. 

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

Not Peter.

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

Whatever the opposite of a Viking is.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

He’s real but this feels a little too much like a reverse Pretty in Pink.

I know, Molly Ringwald, I know. It would be really cool if they end up together, I just don’t see how it happens.

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

 

A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken. 

 

Fathers gonna fath. 

 

I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible. 

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

Bad stock photography guy sums it up pretty well.

 

Just. Be. Handsome.

 

I’ve updated my chart. See below.

Old

 

New

 

And with that we’re out. Have a great rest of the week. Foreverlove each other.

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