Switzerland. They decided to sell cheese with holes in it and because they’re so dang orderly we didn’t think to question the fact that we get less cheese for the money. They gave us meadows, or at least that’s what I’ll try to right on their Wikipedia page. It just feels like that should be true.

We’ve all heard about the Geneva Conventions. I totally didn’t have to google them to figure out what they are:  rules that apply only in times of armed conflict to protect the wounded, sick, and, shipwrecked, prisoners of war, and civilians. Or in our case, it’s two well-mannered white guys who never had a chance at winning in the first place.

We learned that you can’t have a fancy date without people playing stringed instruments. I bet there’s at least a handful of dudes who watched last night and are trying to book violists to come to their dirty homes to serenade their Kate-Gossling looking wives over a dinner of the expensive side of the Taco Bell drive thru menu.

That sounded judgey but it’s not. If I wasn’t watching my figure I could and would eat Taco Bell on a cramped city bus during rush hour. Separate note, I feel like if you play a classical instrument you get invited to a lot of weird events, like the blindfolded pianist from Eyes Wide Shut. So it’s both ends of the spectrum then. Kate Gossling haircuts and naked doctors with creepy masks. The lesson here, don’t respond to craigslist ads if you also play a strings, or a woodwind, or any type of brass, or even tympani. If you play triangle, you could end up somewhere you don’t want to be with bad cell reception.

What else, we got a lot of the guys sitting in a tiny apartment talking about each other. How hard has it gotta be to go to a place like Geneva and be cramped up in a tiny room for a week? No phones. No TV. It’s like being grounded, or having parents that want you to use your imagination. They’re like 3 days from building a fort out of the couch cushions and putting on made-up plays for each other.

Rachel was asked what her favorite dinosaur is.

We got a hometown warning, which by the look of things to come was super necessary. YIKES!

Snow whipped into one man’s perfect hair. I wouldn’t wear a hat either if I had that going on. And after the last season of The Bachelor, we were owed a better way to do outdoors.

But all the drama was leading up to the most awkward, most interesting choice of the night, sitting two men at the same tiny table. Skip Rachel, let us watch these two guys try to eat a meal without accidently touching noses. If it was the 80’s I would’ve put the box of C3P0’s in between my brother and I to keep him from unintentionally spitting into my bowl.

But it’s not the 80’s and they didn’t have that much table space. I feel like the producers got confused between inches and centimeters on the table choice.

In the end, Rachel chose her top four and it looks like tears are going to flow. Let’s take a closer look and see how the remaining guys did. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red.

Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was was in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a teeshirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

 

Back to the breadline. 

Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone. 

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

Bryan gets the fancy date with a suit and at least one costume change. They talk about the same stuff they always talk about. She buys him a watch and he refers to it as a “forevergift”. Maybe I’ve been selling this guy short! You throw “forever” in front of everything and you’re doing something right. We learned that Bryan was pulled out of public school by his parents in 5th grade because he asked to get an earring. As a son of a wonderful mother who taught for many many years in the public school system, I am a fan of public education. I am also a fan of changing everything in your child’s life if he asks for an earring in 5th grade. New school, new friends, new clothes, new bed sheets, the whole nine. That’s the first step to a life of dochebaggary. There’s only one man who could’ve pulled off an earring that young and you Bryan, are no Eric Neis. 

Still, Rachel likes Bryan and he’s set to go and be called out by Rachel’s sisters for not being genuine. I guess that’s something.

 

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

Gosh. Poor Dean. This guy’s mom dies and his already strange dad goes off the rails. We got a glimpse of him at the end of last night’s show and it looks unreal. House in the woods, crazy clothes, wild eyes. This will push boundaries, even for The Bachelorette! It raises a legit question: If you have a mentally ill parent should you go on this show knowing that that parent could be subjected to an appearance on national television? Dean hasn’t done anything wrong. On the other hand, maybe he passes on this opportunity. On the 3rd hand, maybe he just leaves dad in the woods and introduces Rachel to a cute puppy he says has become his new family. Don’t miss next week’s trip to Aspen! It’s been too long since we were there for anything special.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

My wife loves Eric. He’s a lovable guy. The way he talks about Rachel and about himself is pretty sweet. If he can somehow pull this off it will be a real life fairytale. How rough is  Baltimore gonna be? I remember it as a pretty nice place. Kind of shabby chic but not really violent. I guess we’ll see.

 

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

 

A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken. 

 

Fathers gonna fath. 

 

I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible. 

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy. 

 

 

Peter explores Switzerland by helicopter and dogsled. He’s honest and it scares Rachel. I think we see the first blight on her perfect record when she says she is worried that Peter  wouldn’t propose if at the end of this he is way into her but maybe not ready, because he values being engaged. If she’s just looking for a proposal, she could be headed for trouble. It’s what I tell every young woman in my life, no matter where I am or if I know the person or not. It’s just fun to give advice to strangers. Sometimes they’re wearing earbuds and I have to make that little motion to them to take them out. Then I hit them with some wisdom and people around us start to sweat because of the awkwardness.

 

I’ve updated my chart. See below.

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Next week we go home! Till then, have forever fun weeks. Fate of the Furious is available to rent tonight!!!!

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