Week 7 – HOMETOWNS

It’s hometowns everybody and we’re jumping right in! No particular order. Let’s do it!

How far is too far? That’s both; the subject of every christian middle school’s least anticipated assembly of the year, and a question I asked last night while watching Dean’s father gonging his family, at least one cameraman, and a producer.

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Say what you want about Dean’s dad but he is dominating the open-concept floor plan trend. Not hard when you live in a one room shed with no tables or chairs.

Mung beans. The magic in Dean’s dad’s stew and also the thing that gives Creed Bratton his old-man smell.

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If you have a tough time eating questionable home-cooking (I’m talking to the man in mirror) you’re probably making the same excuses Dean did. “Looks great Pops. I wish I hadn’t eaten just before we got here.” You know he was counting the minutes until he could get back to his hotel room, order a pizza, and then eat it in bed while watching Dateline because he can’t figure out the TV remote and it’s easier to just stay on one channel, like when you’re lost in a forrest and you hug a tree. And how fun is it that the only meal we have ever seen anybody actually eat on this show in the past 16 years is Dean’s dad’s mung bean stew?

When you’re the hero of a reality empire it gives you an inflated sense of power. I should know. Remember, I spent two and a half segments on a dating show that aired on a network that doesn’t exist anymore.

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Rachel feels like she can solve all of Dean’s family issues, but Dean’s dad aint having it. And rightfully so! The poor man broke down in tears when talking about his dead wife. This is super legit stuff that he doesn’t want to work through it on a dating show. His crazy man’s beard tells me the last TV experience he had was probably texting in a vote for Kelly Clarkson. Rest easy, Dean’s dad. Your votes were not in vain.

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Eric’s family is fun. I feel like spending an afternoon with them would be like living the song “Summertime”. Send his Aunt Verna to Washington and watch how long it takes her to get Jeff Sessions and Bernie Sanders to do the Macarena together.

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It was surprising to hear that Eric is a super smart straight A student. And I’m ok with saying that even though it sounds racist. We just didn’t get that edit. When Eric got his rose at the end of the night my wife yelled and got goosebumps. Our little boy was startled but it’s important to teach him about excitement and pure joy.

Thank the heavens for Peter’s mom who keeps the Kate Gosslin haircut streak going. Party in the back. Different party in the front.

Thank the producers for getting both of Madison Wisconsin’s black people to say they are Peter’s close friends. Still, we did go to a farmer’s market. It is Madison Wisconsin after all.

Bryan’s dad looks like he escaped from a wax museum. Maybe that’s just what the humidity does to people in south Florida. The only time I’ve been there my cell phone screen got wet from standing outside on a clear day.

Bryan’s mom has never gotten the wrong food at a restaurant and not sent it back. I could see her signing Bryan up for pageants as a kid and then sabotaging the little girls he competed against.

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We’ll take a quick look at our guys before saying goodbye. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red. And if you’re still around you’re in regular. 

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Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was it in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a tee shirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

 

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Back to the breadline. 

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Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone. 

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Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

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Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance in his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

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Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

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Bryan’s mom doesn’t like his haircut and Bryan’s gonna hear about it. That’s really all we learned in Miami. He loves Rachel and now she knows. Bryan will either win this thing or he’ll be embarrassed when he isn’t chosen as the next bachelor. I don’t think I’m alone in being pretty asi asi on him.

 

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Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

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Oh Dean. He’s forced to have the pain and disfunction of his entire life played out on national TV and the poor guy can’t even sit down in a chair. While horizontal in his father’s living room pillow fort, Dean tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. She says, “I’m falling in love with you too.” Then she dumps him. Dean and his father may not have much to say to each other but both have been taken advantage of by this show. The difference is that Dean can take his solid hairline and really white teeth back out to the dating world and do great things. Some wonderful woman is going to fall in love with him and he’ll go on to have a great life. It’s gonna be like a ray lamontagne song. “I’ve been saaaaaaved by a womaaaaaaan.” Ironic that Ray looks like a young Dean’s Dad. 

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Guy just can’t catch a break. Goodbye, Dean. 

 

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Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

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Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

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So positive. You’ve gotta be rooting for Eric. None of us saw this coming but if it works out than anything is possible. If there’s any room left on the bandwagon I want a seat. Make it an aisle please, I need the legroom.

 

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We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

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Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

 

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Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

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   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

 

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Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

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The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

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We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

 

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A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken. 

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Fathers gonna fath. 

 

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I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible. 

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“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

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Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy. 

 

 

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Peter is questioning the legitimacy of proposing to a woman he’s only known for 8 weeks. Oh, and she’s also been dating 20 other dudes at the same time. Now, this makes Peter no fun but it can’t make him crazy. There’s something about the way he walks through a farmer’s market that tells me he’s a man who’s ready to turn his 15 mins of fame into 5 years of dating Instagram models. I think he keeps his distance and prays Rachel doesn’t keep him around. If she does keep him around it could be high drama come proposal time.

 

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I’ve updated my chart. See below.

Old

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New

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And then there were three. Next week looks like a blood bath at Rachel’s family home. Will anybody make it out alive? Will we finally get to see Rachel’s dad? How will producers make us feel bad for watching this show? Until we find out, foreverlove each other. Foreverlove yourselves.

g

 

 

 

 

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