Men Tell All

Like many of you I woke up feeling relieved, knowing that finally, racism was over. Thank you, The Bachelorette.

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You should be on PBS. You should be taught in schools.

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The studio was swelling with self-importance last night. People stood up. People shook hands. There was much applause. Iggy’s gold pinky ring kept finding its way into frame.

But before all that, we went back in time to see all the wrongs this amazing force for good has righted. We remembered something called “Cyberbullying” and how Chris Harrison, with Caitlyn’s help, put a stop to it.

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Who could forget how painful it was to live in a world where we didn’t know the sex of JP and Ashley’s first born? Thanks to Chris Harrison and a lubed-up wand, we were there to see young JP junior swimming around on that ultrasound. “You’re going to feel cold pressure”. Yup.

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Back to the present, where 19 guys and Dean’s haircut went to battle with each other. That’s really the magic of the Men Tell All. We expect catty stuff from the ladies on the Women Tell All (not a sweeping generalization of all women. I’m talking about the women who try out for the bachelor. And even not all of them are crazy) but when a bunch of dudes wearing suits and tennis shoes start standing up and yelling about nothing, it’s just fascinating. Watching men reduced to whatever you would call what we saw Monday night, is like when the Devil watches people eat cookies for breakfast.

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Much of the night was spent trying to drag Lee through the mud. The only problem with that is that you can’t drag mud through mud. And here’s the question everybody outside of that studio was asking—who was aware of Lee’s racist, anti-women past? Maybe the producers who took 3 minutes to comb through Lee’s past tweets.

Like Homer says about alcohol, “To The Bachelor/Bachelorette producers! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Screen Shot 2017-08-02 at 9.30.42 AM.pngFinally, we got to see more of life’s truths slamming down onto poor Dean. When last we saw him, Dean was getting dumped immediately after Rachel told him she was falling in love with him. Dean wanted answers and they went something like this.

Dean:  I guess I was just confused because you told me you loved me and then dumped me.

Rachel: Yep. (tender, pretty smile)

Dean: Thanks for the clarification I feel way better now and am able to move on.

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Guys are suckers for sad, pretty women. When did it hit Dean that Rachel gave him no new information? Was it back in his chair with the guys?

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Was it when he was in the back of his Uber on the way back to the DoubleTree? Did people on a plane to Denver have to witness the moment and sit there helplessly as Dean started crying? “I don’t know honey, he just started crying. Should I call for a flight attendant? Should I just open the emergency door and jump out to the cold throws of death? At least they aren’t crying next to me while I’m trying to watch Sisters on this digi player.”

Let’s take a super quick look with one or two sentences each for each guy that dared to show his face last night.

 

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Took the past 3 months to come up with a few catch phrases. Comedy isn’t for everyone. Sadly for Adam, neither is Romance.

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Fashion forward. The ladies love him.

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After the third time Anthony spoke I wanted someone in the studio audience to yell out, “Why are you standing up?”

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Blake’s hair was a touch better. I thought we’d get more from him but he sat back and didn’t eat any carbs.

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Didn’t show. With hair like that you don’t get many open nights on your calendar.

 

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Still harmlessly cheesing it up in Spain. We’ll see him next Monday.

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We didn’t get any Bryce. This picture is all we need.

 

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Dean’s hair looked like the slow motion caramel being poured into a Werther’s Original in one of those commercials we’re pretty sure is European and dubbed for America.

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Demario lacks common sense. Like, to the point where there’s a sticky note on his stove that says, “Don’t touch me when I’m hot. Dude, trust me, it hurts.”

 

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Diggy straightened his bowtie.

 

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We’re rooting for you.

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Fred wrote a speech and practiced for months. But because it’s Fred, Rachel kind of cut him off. Once a lil’ camper, always a lil’ camper. Fred’s gotta be walking out of the studio wanting to shake it all off, like when you walk through a spider web and kind of have mini convulsions for the next hour just to be sure that spider is off of you.

 

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There’s just something about this guy that drives me insane. The gold chain. The gold pinky ring. The glasses you absolutely know have zero prescription in those lenses. There’s never a time when Iggy hangs out with his friends when one of them doesn’t sigh loudly.

 

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There were no need for words with that face.

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Jamey piped up and was immediately called out for being irrelevant. Valid, but he turned it around pretty well on Demario saying, “You’re only relevant for being a $%*@!” Not bad, Jamey.

 

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In a meeting yesterday a guy said that Facebook was working on some artificial intelligence with two computers. But the computers started speaking to each other in a language none of the programmers could understand. The computers made up their own language so humans couldn’t listen in on them. That’s scary. Now look at Jonathan’s cyborg face and tell me you aren’t terrified.

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Thankfully, we didn’t get much from Josiah. Oh I’m sorry, I forgot the quote marks around that first sentence. It’s just that Josiah speaks in the third person so much I get tired of adding them. Even this last sentence, I’m not sure if Josiah said it or it’s just something I wrote.

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People love Kenny. He’s pretty harmless. Still can’t dismiss Lee for the pile of garbage he is.

 

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A racist prick just isn’t going to admit to being what he is on national TV and then change. He’s slippery so he’s going to be slippery until the night is over then he’s going to go home, and say something like how Leo Dicaprio’s character in Django Unchained is super misunderstood. If Iggy makes me want to put my head in my hands, Lee makes me want to run away in the opposite direction.

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Waboom got riled up but Chris Harrison was more concerned with social impact so we moved on from the hi-jinx pretty quick.

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Matt did something strange to his already sad hair. Dyed it? Used some of that fake hair you shake out of a can? He looked like Justin Theroux on Parks and Rec.

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Currently sitting on a bench in Spain making Rachel cry.

 

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Great suit. But look lower and it’s like, “Hey man, I hear your grandmother is doing well.” “Yeah, she’s actually in a jogging group at the home. They kind of just move a little to 80’s Whitney Houston songs but it’s cute.” Hashtag Grandma’s Jogging Shoes.

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