I feel like a fake eyelash right now, cried off and left to gather dust on some old-timey Spanish BNB’s oaken floor.

The last time I was this confused and emotionally spent was a night back in November, when friends gathered and spent 3 hours looking at each other, speechless. The question, “WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!” just sitting there on our faces while 7-layer dip went unpenetrated.

Last night delivered every emotion I knew I had and some I didn’t. Every 15 minutes my rooting interests changed. It was the least interesting finale ever. It was the most interesting finale ever.

Am I alone in wanting to walk into the ocean and just bob up and down for a while? I feel like that might provide a fun texture to my levis 513s but that’s for another blog.

Here’s what we know. We ended up with Bryan cheesing his way to a victory despite Rachel practically begging Peter to propose to her THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOT ENGAGED TO ANOTHER GUY!!!!

This season had a lot of crazy along the way but it was really only about one thing. One man pursued while another was pursued.

It came down to the wire, with Peter doing everything short of saying to Rachel, “Can I walk you out?” after the strangest breakup/non-breakup EVER. Rachel could’ve let herself be escorted into a waiting SUV and talked to camera about how she thought Peter was the one before realizing, “Wait, I’m the Bachelorette! He’s the one who’s supposed to be in this SUV, crying over chardonnay. Stop the van, I gotta live my best life.”

When they brought Peter out, didn’t we all expect them to announce that they were actually engaged??? But that didn’t happen. Instead, they watched the horror of whatever that was in Spain, while Bryan sat backstage ALSO WATCHING IT while plotting out his calculated lip-licking and stupid re-proposal!!! This show is going to break me. But that’s why we’re all here, to work out the insanity together. Press on, press on.

Bryan isn’t evil. He’s just the kind of cringe-worthy that rolls the “r” in “Rioja”. Red flags and red henleys all over that wine country. He thinks he’s got this in the bag. The D-bag.

His suit jacket at the rose ceremony looked like something someone with poor judgment would buy at the MGM Grand after an inexplicable 3-hour run at the craps table.

By the time he took a short day hike up to the Proposal Villa, we had nothing left. The live studio audience wasn’t clapping. We were witnessing a woman compromising while chasing a ring. Even the wind tried to stop the shenanigans.

But mother nature is nothing compared to the power of a Neil Lane diamond. Surely now, there will be a wedding planned wait what’s that? Nothing in the near future because it would be silly to rush into something so large as marriage? It was at that moment we realized that yes, Rachel was in it for the ring. Will she be happy now that she is a fiancé? I don’t think any of us will ever be happy about anything ever again. I really need to go bob in the ocean.

Let’s take a final look at the last night’s main players and how they came out of this thing.

 

1. Eric

• So many were rooting for him.
• He handled his departure with grace.
• Twitter liked his beard. Ladies be horny for it.

 

2. Peter

• Maybe the first “real” person on this show, ever.
• He has Resting Brooding Face. Every time he’s not talking the guy looks like something out of a Lamonts Catalogue.
• Twitter wanted Peter to win and when he didn’t, Twitter erupted.
• Women will flock to Wisconsin to throw themselves at Peter. He wins the show.

 

3. Bryan

• Because how can you say no to this?
• He is the human embodiment of a consolation prize.
• One of the cheesiest people in this show’s history.
• When asked where they would live, Bryan threw out Los Angeles as an option. He doesn’t realize that his thirst for fame is also super painful.
• Bryan should not google his own name for like, months.

 

4. Rachel

• Rachel had a Ronald Miller type run on this show. Her star burned brightly for weeks and then, it all came crashing down at once.
• When someone you think is smart does something you think is stupid it makes you want to bob up and down in the ocean.
• I’m ok if she fades into the ether just so I don’t have to see Bryan anymore. I mean, if you do one thing today, go and experience his Instagram account. https://www.instagram.com/p/BXhT9_pH5cU/?hl=en&taken-by=thebryanabasolo

 

5. Chris Harrison

• He’s done it again. Made us look deep within ourselves, daring us not to watch anymore knowing we are powerless to resist him.

I’ll leave you with two things to think about and a quote that sums up my feelings.

1. Juan Pablo is married. These are the times we are living in.
2. Bryan has more than one black leather jacket.

“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

– Eleonore Roosevelt

Foreverlove our time away and we’ll meet again once The Bachelor is back. I will miss our time together. If you need me, I’ll be in the ocean with these losers.

Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was it in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a tee shirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

 

Back to the breadline.

Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance in his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name.

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave.

 

 

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head.

 

Oh Dean. He’s forced to have the pain and disfunction of his entire life played out on national TV and the poor guy can’t even sit down in a chair. While horizontal in his father’s living room pillow fort, Dean tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. She says, “I’m falling in love with you too.” Then she dumps him. Dean and his father may not have much to say to each other but both have been taken advantage of by this show. The difference is that Dean can take his solid hairline and really white teeth back out to the dating world and do great things. Some wonderful woman is going to fall in love with him and he’ll go on to have a great life. It’s gonna be like a ray lamontagne song. “I’ve been saaaaaaved by a womaaaaaaan.” Ironic that Ray looks like a young Dean’s Dad.

Guy just can’t catch a break. Goodbye, Dean.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber.

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario?

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show.

 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like.

 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody.

 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried.

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose.

 

A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken.

 

Fathers gonna fath.

 

I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible.

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring.

 

Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy.

 

 

I’ve updated my chart. See below.

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