Week 1 – The biggest race of my life

Wow. Look what happened while we were all googling crash diets and meditation do’s and don’ts. Love. Love happened.

Sidenote: Nutella goes on everything, including the largest spoon in your utility spoon drawer. Happy new year, vegetables. I’m sure we’ll grow to become friends again.

Back to what’s really important. America’s favorite racecar driver is now selling houses! It’s Arie! This time he’s bringing the type of handsome you’d find starring in a Hallmark Christmas movie. I don’t know if Arie is the prince of “Aldovia” but with that thin frame and aggregable face, he could be. A klutzy magazine writer from the big city would be all over him.

His salt and pepper suggests a certain elegance and sophistication that only comes from a man wearing a cardigan and tight denim, holding a racecar helmet for no reason. He’s like if Photoshop had a handsome filter and you applied it to a picture of Ross Gellar.

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Because week one is so crazy and I haven’t had sugar in 3 days, we’ll do this quick and try to hit the high notes as they pop into my head.

  1. Our villain looks a little like Olivia, the wide-open mouthed one from Ben’s season. She says things like “I’m not rude…” and then does something rude. Or, “I’m not a gossip…” as she’s literally gossiping. Also, she’s a mother. Whitney Houston, we need you now more than ever. Come down from on high to tell Chelsea that the children are our future. To teach them well and let them lead the way. To show them all the beauty they possess inside.

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  1. How many Laurens is too many Laurens?
  2. There’s a girl with Keri Strug hair who is so young they aren’t telling us just how young she is. Did her dad room with Arie at Racecar college? This makes me feel weird.

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  1. Lot of fabric chokers. If the 90’s really are in, let’s get the girls on the set of Home Improvement for a group date. Even if it’s just JTT sitting alone on an empty studio lot smoking cigarettes and waiting for someone to pitch screenplays to.

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  1. There’s a weird one that collects taxidermy.
  2. There’s one that sounds just like Raven and, oh what’s that now, she’s Raven’s real-life best friend? Ok. Look out for this one. She doesn’t take herself too seriously and Arie mentioned he’s pretty casual. #tinywiener
  3. One of them showed up in a racecar and had the type of long, fake looking blonde hair that would only fit on someone named something like “Maquel”. Sure enough…meet Maquel. I’m not saying Maquel is the illegitimate child of a man who’s about to get us into world war 3 but I’m not not saying that either. Maquel looks like she’s fought hard to overcome “Trump-face” and that she’s had the hush-money to do it.

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  1. A graphic designer drew a picture of Arie and then gave it to him. What are you supposed to do with a drawing of yourself? Especially if it’s you looking sexy and cool? What does it say about you if that’s sitting on an end table in your condo? I’m just saying, if you can draw, don’t draw the person you’re giving a drawing to.

Let’s leave it at that. Next week we’ll have pictures and really dig into this thing.














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