Happy Valentines Day!!!!!!! Today marks the 30th anniversary of the day a 5th grade girl broke up with me using Sweethearts that said, “It’s over.” and “Don’t call”.

I hope all of you have better days than I did back in 1988.

Welcome to life after Krystal. It’s less annoying but just as baffling. We begin with Arie’s one on one with Janet.

Becca K is just as loveable as everybody’s favorite non-human from The Good Place, the show that not enough people are watching. Like The Good Place, Becca K is wonderful and overlooked. Sure they have a good time strolling through Tuscany. She has fun things to say but it’s looking more and more like her story will end with a turn as the next Bachelorette. And that’s just fine by us. Let Arie have what Arie wants while we all shake our heads.

Sienne goes hunting for fungus and then back to lunch with Italy’s most charming little family. This was like the second season of Master of None only without the weird Aziz Anzari sexual harassment(?) stuff. Truffels are pretty tastey but they are murder on the breath. Looks like it made for tough kissing. Things don’t end well for Sienne…or do they?

Next we get a Lonely Planet guidebook come to life as Lauren offers her take on Italy. “It’s so Italian.” Thanks Lauren.

Later, somehow, the mere suggestion that she’s falling for Arie makes him get up and leave because he’s so overcome with emotion. I worry for their future pets because there’s gonna be so much awkward silence in that house.

I mean, wouldn’t the producers want to edit Lauren to be wonderful? To give us the love story we all want and need? If they’re pulling the best stuff and that stuff is her walking silently, what does the worst stuff look like?

This season would be immediately forgettable if not for Krystal’s voice, Bekah M’s Ferris Bueller haircut…,

…Annalise’s fear of puppies, and bumper cars, Kendall’s reality TV breaking empathy…Gosh, it’s actually been a pretty good season despite Arie’s mild sauce charisma.

 

Jacqueline wants something a little spicier and she peaces out in a hail of tears and french kissing. Her mind knows to run but her body wants all of whatever it is Arie is offering. Because she’s super smart, the brain wins and that’s all the Jacqueline we get. Many of you saw something in her from the beginning. I came later but I loved what I saw. Jacqueline will be missed. I will go to a drugstore, by some Herbal Essence shampoo, and pour some out for Jacqueline. #shampoocommercialhair

The episode closes with a 3 woman group date where Kendall, Tia, and Ferris battle for the final two roses. Bekah cries the blackest tear in history. Tia gets real in a way that somehow doesn’t make her seem mean. Tia is legit. If Bekka K turns down the Bachelorette, Tia’s gotta be the choice. She looks like the amalgamation of every brunette TV actress on the CW right now. She’s got the look of someone you’d see in a Los Angeles coffee shop and you’d want to go up and ask her for her autograph but you’d be too nervous because you don’t know her name so when you’re asking it’s like you’re also asking yourself.

Kendall cruises to a daytime rose leaving Tia and lil Ferris to battle it out after dark. But nighttime is no time for children and Bekah’s interesting run on the show ends with a quick walk to the van and more tears on her way back to America where she’ll go missing on a pot farm leaving her poor mother to call the authorities.

We’ve made it to Hometowns!!!! A final four of Kendall, Becca K, Tia, and Lauren B Sayin Nothin. It looks rough next week with some angry parents. Before we get into that, let’s go deeper and see how everybody did. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

Becca does Italian things with the whimsey of…well, an Italian. But something just seems off with them. It’s like two people enjoying each other but also recognizing that while great, they aren’t a perfect fit. This looks like two people who would be OK repopulating the species if they were the last humans on earth. They’d even high five when it was all said and done. But if any other person came wandering up in that post apocalyptic scenario, both of them would be ready to bolt. This is maybe like if you have to travel with a co-worker you don’t know super well and you manage to get through it without too much awkward silence. You both feel like you’ve won and you’re happy going your separate ways when it’s over. Sure you’ll always have the Enterprise rental car waiting line, but it didn’t have to be more than that. I stand by wanting Becca K to be the next bachelorette and if not that, my new neighbor.

She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck. 

Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD. 

Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine. 

We’ve been seeing it for weeks. Arie is into Kendall. You can see it in the way they smooch. Plus, Kendall is awesome and a little weird which is perfect for Arie who, despite living in the least weird city and doing the least weird job, is somehow kind of a weirdo. I feel like a lot of us are rooting for Kendall. Does that mean we want her to win or do we want her to lose but go on to better things? This show really does make us ask the tough questions.

A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it. 

Lauren is statuesque in that she’s pretty and she MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A STATUE. She’s impossible to read because she has no expression and also because THERE ARE NO WORDS ON THE PAGES OF HER LIFE. I would say Lauren would pass any polygraph test but I think the machine would get bored during questioning and just fall asleep. And yet this is the woman that has driven (racecar pun intended) our man Arie to breaking the Bachelor rules and admitting his love for her.

You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun! 

Tia keeps it real and keeps herself in the picture. Looking forward to hometowns, she also sparks the controversial conversation around interesting looking parents who somehow produced next-level attractive children. Judging by the clips for next week, all of the women fall into that category this year. We’re all thinking it but should we be talking about it? People age, we all age. And, these parents didn’t sign up for the show. They didn’t ask to be critiqued but it’s really interesting. Again, this show forces us into the depths of ourselves.

While you look at yourself in a mirror, please know that I Foreverlove you. Till next time.

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