Week 10 – FINALE

We did it!!!!!!

Another journey together. And one of the most amazing journeys I can remember. Never before have so many women been so awesome on one show. We’ve cheered our heroes. We’ve hated our villains. We’ve grieved (RIP Sanderson Poe).

Love took us to far off places like one of the Dakotas, Dubuque, and not-mesa-verde. We’ve been terrified of heights and then immediately had no problem flying in a hot air balloon. We drank. A lot. We had a 100% legit panic attack, needed oxygen, and recovered all in the matter of 30 minutes. They told us there was a limit to fake eye lashes yet we would not be denied the ridiculous. They said we had to be a woman to be on the show but we were Jillian. And nobody puts Jillian’s gender in a box. Actually, that’s exactly what everybody does. They put Jillian’s gender in a black censorship box. Our own brothers refer to us as a “Hot Mustang”. We are the courageous black contestant that can’t be let go on night one but never lasts past week 4.

We are a sympathy rose, an elaborate belly button ring, a canopy bed in the middle of the Badlands. We are naked pictures oh no oh my gosh a naked video! We are a pomegranate,a dead relative, a confusing cocktail dress, an outdoor shower, Chris’s oldest sister’s jawline, the Capone suite, an Iowa sunset, nighttime makeup, and a sex guru. We are all of these things, but above all we are #immeasurably blessed.

And last night, could it have ever gone any other way? Queen Whitney, our high-pitched baby maker was always the choice wasn’t she? If you had any doubts, Chris’s family confirmed it. Never before has a family loved a Whitney like that. And good for her. The things she was saying to the family at dinner. I mean EVERYONE was crying. One of the little nieces had a ,“this is the first time I’m crying tears but it’s not because I’m sad” face.

Whitney was born for this. And in the end, that is why she was sitting in that 2nd story barn door. Also, how cool was it that Chris’s parents walked over after it was all said and done. The Soules family is just the best. That’s the kind of thing that happens in real life. I just read that Chris is gonna hit Dancing with the Stars. Something tells me he’ll be headed back to Iowa pretty quickly. I know I don’t know these two but I’m happy for them.

All that’s left now is to look and see where we ended up. BUT BEFORE WE DOOOOOO,

Two bachelorettes? The best part of the After the Rose was that we got to see Britt humbled one more time. When Harrison asked for crowd applause, Britt got almost none. And God bless him, Harrison asked AGAIN for an applause check and again, the audience stayed quiet for Britt. Who are the producers that like Britt? Actually, I don’t want to know. They’re probably terrible people. Nobody knows how the Bachelorette will work with two of them but I don’t care. I’m just happy the show went out with Britt looking like a fool.

Ok, quick look at the final tally.

 

CORN

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That poor corn was HARVESTED!!! 

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I – The Badlands

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I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe. 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA’S VIRGINITY

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Still intact.

BECCA – The barn where Chris fed a pig once

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Becca got exactly what she wanted out of this show. 15 minutes of fame and a cool story to tell her gal pals while all of them date the H out of San Diego’s chiropractors, dentists, baseball players, surf shop owners, and golf pros. Gosh it looked like Chris was giving Becca every chance to throw him a bone but she either couldn’t because she’s an emotional robot, or wouldn’t because she just really didn’t want to be married yet or move to Arlington Iowa. After some intense discussions in the Capone suite it was pretty clear that Becca’s finale would be a little anti-climactic. It basically went like this:

Chris: You’re hot and I tried but, ya know?

Becca: Totally. No worries. I’m going to go back to sunny San Diego now. 

Chris: cool. I’ll friend you on Facebook. Take care. 

So where does this leave Becca? In San Diego. Despite whether she ends up alone, or whether she puts on a ton of weight later in life (am I the only one who kind of looks at her face and thinks that’ll definitely happen? I know that’s mean but what can I say, I’m a dude watching the bachelor. If we can’t talk about that here, where can we talk about it), Becca will be warm and tan. One last thing. Becca, it’s “all of a sudden” not “all of the sudden”. Thanks. 

BRITT – Des Moines

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That was perfect and so predictable. There was no way this Hollywood “waitress” was going to let her family be shown on camera and had this moment pegged from the start as the time she’d walk out on the show. I just love that, for her trouble, she got to see a country and western concert in Deadwood and take a 6 hour road trip to nowhere Iowa. The temper tantrum after not getting the rose after the Des Moins group date was spectacularly douchey and Chris’s response was brilliant. He didn’t pull her aside. He just told her how it is and left. She wanted validation and he straight up left! THEN at the rose ceremony she pulls him aside and before she can break up with him, Chris just slams the door in the best way possible. Britt then walks outside and positions herself within earshot of the girls and starts to fake cry as loudly as she can, expecting one of them to come to her aid because in her mind, she’s been on The Briitchelore this whole time. It is so satisfying to see a bullspitter called on his or her bullspit. It was like eating dessert! That said I’m gonna miss Britt. She was the perfect villain. Kesley was delusional and probably a killer. Trashley was like one of those girls from that MTV show Sweet 16. Britt was different. She was so obviously lying to all of us and after Chris had gotten as much make out time as he could, he called her on it. She thought she was using the show for fame but really, Chris was using her for a whole lotta first base action. Goodbye, Britt. You won’t be famous and if you’re approached to do some nude modeling, please don’t accept. 

CARLY – Des Moines

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I freakin’ loved Carly. Some people think she was overcome by jealousy but I think she was just a freakin’ reasonable adult. And she was reasonable without being freakin’ boring. This chick is freakin’ FUNNY! And she’s totally cute. Get her to an eyebrow technician at Gene Juaraz and I could see Carly getting a job as a host on E! or Extra, way before Britt ever sniffs the small screen. And how awesome would that be? Carly just never really had a chance. She was just sort of there, being awesome for us viewers but never really being noticed by Chris. This whole time I’ve been mentioning how I could see Carly working in Arlington at a charming diner. After seeing what’s become of Arlington I’m kind of glad Carly won’t end up there. There is no diner!!! Arlington is an hour away from the nearest Starbucks. It’s three hours from the exposed brick and art museum of Des Moins. Arlington isn’t a small town it’s a non-town. They could tear down the buildings and put in more corn and none of us would notice. Carly is just too spunky for that. I’m not worried about her at all. She’ll find a hunky piece of fireman or something. She’ll sing him songs that are actually really good. He’ll tell her he loves her and he’ll mean it. She’ll be an awesome mom and a cool neighbor. That, or she’ll go on Bachelors in Paradise, not end up with a guy, feel worse about herself, get an empowering and terrible tattoo, go back to the cruise ship because that’s all she can do, get scurvy, and die at sea.

JADE – Hometowns Sad, Nebraska

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I’m cringing just writing this. That was paaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinful! Her little house in Nebraska. Her crying father, who’s had to go through a life of accepting his daughters love for being bad. Her brother’s haircuts, each worse than the last. And Chris talking to them all about family values. The tension built by the edit was terrifying. Would one of Jade’s brothers out her before Jade could gracefully tell Chris her secret? The look on Jade’s family’s faces was priceless when Chris kept going on about how tame Jade is. And that’s the thing. This is actually complicated and messy. Sarah and I had an actual long and in-depth conversation about Jade after the show. Just so many layers! Yes she can be who she wants and yes there are consequences to our actions and yes no one has to live with the burden of shame and oh my gosh she’s going to tell him. Ok, that was painful but not the worst. Wait. Oh man. Oh my gosh. Oh please don’t…SHE’S SHOWING HIM THE PICTURES!!!!! CHRIS IS SITTING IN THE AWKWARDNESS OF SEEING JADE NAKED WHILE SHE’S NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH THIS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE. OH MY GOSH NO!!!! THERE’S A VIDEO!!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY WORSE. CHRIS’S FACE!!!!!!! I mean what in the world do you do in Chris’s position???? And is Jade coming clean? Is she bragging? I don’t understand!!!! If Chris gets a little excited is he evil? Nobody wins in that situation, including us. That was one of the most cringeworthy scenes I have ever seen on this show. Also, sidenote: If it’s nude, is it really modeling? Like, what are you modeling? You’re naked. “Jade, jade…who are you wearing tonight?”  “I mean, I’m nude, so no one?” Right? Ok, back to the scene. I thought Chris handled himself like a friggin champion. That was perfect. And for all his stumbling and mumbling he just straight up owned that unownable moment. A huge hats off from all of us dudes, to you Christopher Soules. And he did it in a way that it was ok not to give a rose to Jade. It was just perfect. Jade, I just pray that you won’t go back to L.A. Here,http://livability.com/top-10/small-towns/10-best-small-towns/2014. I’ve done the work for you. Take your pick. Rural ladies need cosmetics. Open a small shop. Find people that won’t take advantage of you. Or keep modeling naked. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOOOOOOOW!!!!! 

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN – Bali’s Most Sacred Temple (At least is was before an American reality show about 1 man dating 30 women filmed there)

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For what it’s worth I think Kaitlyn purchased her one-way ticket to Bone Town (all abooooard!) after the Costco date. She’s been ready to get freaky for a while. Her date consisted of killing time before she could finally get Chris out of his pastel clothes. And that’s exactly what happened. I think she said something like, “We deserve this”. The shades come down and we’re left to believe the two make love at each other all night long. This show is insane. Chris no-doubt-sex’s two of the women on back to back nights and then he’s supposed to propose like one week later? It sounds like a weird 70’s cult or something. Give Chris some white clothes and a middle eastern beard and he’s Jim Baker, aka Father Yod. But back to Kaitlyn. I can’t remember one gal in this show’s history that I’ve flipped on so heavily than Kaitlyn. I hated her night one and now I’m so sad she’s gone. She’s so cute and kinda sweet. She’s also the prettiest cryer in history. Her reaction when Becca came back from the dead was perfect. She knew at that moment that she was gone and she handled it perfectly. Kaitlyn’s got major Bachelorette potential and I think she could be kinda dynamite on the Women Tell All. We’ll miss you, Kaitlyn!!! Well done. 

KELSEY

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Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!  She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?

“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?

MEGAN – Des Moines I think.  Feels like forever ago

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Megan just wasn’t feelin’ it. She wanted to feel it. But it just wasn’t there. She’s a sweetheart and can turn off the dumb-blonde thing whenever she wants. Her exit speech was delivered so well. I dig Megan. I’ll miss Megan. I have no clue what’s next for her but I think she’d be super fun on Bachelors in Paradise. Quick note before saying goodbye: What’s up with her little promo picture above? It looks like her body was drawn on. There’s no definition. Was the intern in charge of photoshoping that day? Is she blonde Jessica Rabbit? Goodbye and good luck, Megan. I hope we see you soon. 

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly. 

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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The winner. The only choice. The best choice. Congrats, Whitney!!!!! You were the only person to appear on TV and not use a teeth whitening system and you still won it all. You were kind to everyone. You saw the beauty in Arlington. You remind Chris of his sisters(?). It was perfect. And unless Chris blows it by cheating with Raven Simone or whoever else they put on dancing with the stars, you should be married and pregnant in no time. Good luck out there. Keep your hand out of the harvest machinery. And maybe think about doing your banking online.

Whitney everybody!!!!!! Whitney!!!!!!

 

It’s been a fun season. I hope you all have great springs. Wear pastel clothes. Take your allergy medication. And don’t eat too much Easter ham. Bathing suit season is right around the corner. Sorry for all the typos.

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Week 9 – Throwin’ darts in the dark

Chris Harrison has written a romance novel.

Now that that’s out of the way we can continue on with a look at the Women Tell All (Women Told All? I don’t know how to write that since it’s in the past).

As we all know, the Women Tell All is usually not all that awesome which means this Bach Cap won’t be all that awesome.

Here are a few things we can always expect from a WTA episode:

  • There’s always one woman who wasn’t on the show very long but who tries to own the WTA.
  • The random guys in the audience are hilarious. How did they get there? Were they dragged by their wives? Is this how they got a hall pass to go golfing on their LA vacation? And how much crap do they get from their buddies back home? It’s amazing.
  • The show villains never redeem themselves because yes, they really are that bad in real life.
  • You can pick the next bachelorette based solely (Chris Soulesly) on audience applause. It’s gotta be Kaitlyn, doesn’t it?
  • The bachelor will have to field stupid, stupid questions from crazy, crying women.

Because not every lady made an impression we’re gonna take a quick look at them all up to here and I’m gonna leave what’s been done below as it kind of keeps of grounded on where we’ve been this season. Make sense?

Let’s do it. Moving from left to right on the stage. Back row first. These are gonna be quick.

NIKI

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Niki held true to what we knew of her. Which is nothing at all. Are we sure we don’t have a Hellen Keller thing going on here? Sidenote: I always get Hellen Keller and Harriet Tubman confused. Now you know something about me.

TRINA(’S MOM)

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She was pretty fiery and I think she should be given this year’s back row girl who talks too much award. Thanks for defending Carly, but nobody cares what you have to say. We hope you enjoyed your complimentary chardonnay. Bye now.

JUELIA

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This year’s not-TV-level-attractive lady couldn’t control herself a few times, bashing Kelsey for how she grieves Sanderson and calling Britt the most calculated person she’s ever met. Thanks for joining in, Juelia. Leaving on a high note is the best you can do as a back row girl.

TARA 

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Tara looked distressed all night but wasn’t able to muster any words. You know when you see someone fall in public and the first look they have on their face is like, “Lord please make this so it never happened”. It’s the same look a toddler gives after hurting him/herself when they look to parents to see if, by their reaction, they should have a meltdown. That’s what Tara’s resting face is. I hope, for her sake, that a doctor can do something to help her with that. Maybe a pill, or a balm or something. A salve.

AMBER 

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Amber was quiet on the show. She was pretty quiet in the back row. I feel like producers quick cut to her a bunch just to remind us all that african americans do like this show, despite the live studio audience looking like the casting call for a Kate Gosselin biopic.

MEGAN

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Megan had big hair and got offended. Her mom got offended too.

SAMANTHA

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She blamed Kelsey for ruining her chances at a rose. Anytime Kelsey is blamed for something a kitten gets adopted from a kill shelter. Samantha, you’ve saved a kitten. Thank you.

JORDAN

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Did she ever talk? I mean, we got more Jordan than we wanted during the season so I guess there wasn’t much left to say.

ASHLEY S 

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Was she muggin’ a little bit? Yeah, but who really cares. Ashley is great. She just doesn’t care about the show at all and realizes how absurd the whole thing is. She and Carly were the most logical gals of the season, which is weird to say because Ashley is f-wording loony. What else do we know about her? She likes to ride bikes. That’s it. That’s who she is.

JILLIAN 

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How many times did Jillian fart in her chair last night? A dozen? This gal is THE WOOOOOOORST!!!! She was giant and gross on the show and nothing changed last night. So aggressive. She goes from 0-60 in like 2 seconds. There’s no way she doesn’t wear too much perfume. I could see her forgetting to brush her teeth and then justifying it by thinking “I DON’T PLAY BY THE WORLD’S RUUUUULES!!!!!” or simply convincing herself that nobody will care because she is so awesome. “Funyun breath isn’t a real thing.” Jillian gets my heart beating fast, and not in a good way. I really can’t wait to never see her again. No more.

KAITLYN

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Moving to the front row. Kaitlyn is a fan favorite. She wore that confusing midriff outfit. She asked Chris really dumb questions that don’t matter:

Kaitlyn: Why did you break up with me?

Chris: Because this show is ridiculous and I didn’t know any of you so I was basically throwing darts in the dark. I mean, be real. I did the best I could. Again, I m just a normal farmer guy and this show is insane.

Kaitlyn: Tue. Emkay, good enough for me.

See you soon, Kaitlyn.

CARLY

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Carly was straight up attacked from the get go by the worst human beings in the room, and that’s saying something because there’s another person who murdered her husband! Britt goes off about how Carly sabotaged her chances with Chris, only to have Chris say that it wasn’t Carly’s fault and that it was because Britt sucks at everything. And then Jillian roid-rages against Carly because somehow Britt is still manipulating her. I get that Carly is kind of polarizing. Some people think she’s jealous. I think she’s honest. She says what all of us are saying on our couches every Monday night. And I think she represented herself pretty well on the WTA, despite not being able to complete a thought because Britt wouldn’t let her. Here’s hoping the best for you, Carly. Nice work.

JADE

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Jade was another gal who asked Chris really dumb questions and accused him of dumb things. She was hurt because Chris called their couch/porn experience “awkward” but it WAS awkward. It was cringe-worthy. And when Chris told her, “But it was awkward” her response was, “yeah”. I wish Jade would’ve come out without the tears and just said, “Man, that was awkward. Maybe posing in Playboy wasn’t the best. But I’ve gotta move on and I’m hoping to find a dude who will do that with me.” Mic drop, Jade wins. That would’ve been the Wild Mustang move.

(TR)AHSLEY I 

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So many eye rolls! I’m actually kinda glad she was wearing those fake lashes. Really exaggerated everything. She didn’t really say a ton but she didn’t have to because she speaks with her face and body. I mean, Trashley was paaaaaaainful on the show. But she was also awesome. And last night I found myself really kind of liking her. Or at least, enjoying what she brought to the table. And I never thought I’d say that. Maybe it’s because she was an outlier. She stood alone, and when pressed, she sided against Britt. Gosh dang I hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise. You would own that thing.

MACKENZIE

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I always thought Maple Valley was just off of 405, east of Renton. But then this weekend I went golfing out near Covington and saw sings saying, “Welcome to Maple Valley”. And that’s all I have to say about Mackenzie’s performance last night.

BRITT

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Britt Sucks. Somebody make that into a bumper sticker. You know how in the early 1900’s, the name Adolf was popular? And then ya know, Hitler did his thing and after 1940something, no little dude was ever named Adolf again? One man killed the name forever. I feel like Britt has done the same. No little girl should ever be named, “Britt” again. She’s the Hitler of the bachelor. I can’t understate how much I hate this person. The fake crying. The forced tears. She’s trying SO HARD to be real but she’s just a terrible, terrible actress. And even if she’s legit upset, it’s only because she’s lied to herself about having feelings for Chris, wanting kids, thinking she could move to Arlington. Britt, we don’t believe you! Stop trying so hard!!!! Best case scenario  Britt trys out to be on the shuttle to Mars and an Alien type thing happens where, mid-flight  one of those things attaches to her face, she’s impregnated, and a few hours later a little alien bursts through her stomach, killing her instantly. And that’s best case scenario. She’s the Sarah Palin of the show. She’s a total phony and she won’t go away. She’s Justin Bieber claiming he’s all about the music. She’s making me angry. I have to move on.

KELSEY

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Fantastic. Kelsey can’t help but be totally calculated in everything. The way she speaks. The way she sits. Even the way she cries. It’s amazing to watch and she was on her A game last night. It started even before Kelsey said a word, when the studio audience didn’t clap for her when she was introduced. That’s awesome. And then, when Kelsey tried to defend herself, the women were just chomping at the bit. They just straight up were not having it. Unlike Britt, I could do with way more Kelsey in my life. Like, start a really pretentious blog. Get a hosting gig on The View. I don’t even know where she’d fit but I am not done with her. It’s so rare that we can witness a sociopath from a safe distance. To me, Kelsey is really interesting. She is genuinely like an evil movie character and I’m not 100% sure she even knows it. If I had unlimited resources and wouldn’t get arrested for it I would fly to Texas and watch Kelsey interact with her friends just to see what it’s like. I just cannot picture it. I’m gonna miss you Kelsey. Don’t change. And don’t kill anybody.

 

OK! That was looong. Next week it’s all coming to a head back on the farm. Prepare for beautiful sunsets and no banking.

Week 8 – Emotional Turmoil

How sweltering is Bali? All of the non-natives looked like they were being baked inside a Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe Classic Yellow Cake. Ya know?

It was a little disappointing because we didn’t get to see them flown to a remote island and forced to sit and try to fill an entire day. We didn’t get any horseback riding. I don’t think we got the fake impromptu dancing. In fact, Kaitlyn’s date and Becca’s date are totally blended together in my mind. It’s just a haze of monkey piss and sacred temples with horny fortune tellers.

But maybe that’s because everybody associated with this show except for 1 person had already moved on in their minds to the fantasy suite. Seriously, we’ve never seen Chris this bold about anything. I guess when it comes to farming and suggesting coitus, Chris does not mess around. And here’s the thing, THE WOMEN WERE INTO IT! No more wasting time. No more cute Indonesian kids. No more untouched dinners. Maybe it was because they were already so sweaty.

I’m getting sweaty. Let’s see how the ladies did.

 

DUNCAN HINES MOIST DELUXE

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Turns any kitchen into a fantasy suite.

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I – The Badlands

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I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe. 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA’S VIRGINITY

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Still intact.

BECCA

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The first two dates last night seemed to go ok, until we saw Chris catch a glimpse of Becca. It was obvious that he’s way more into her than he is the other women. Becca’s giant hair has a hard time in tropical environments. It’s just really really big, but not in a great way. It’s like when you think you can save money by buying a tee shirt at H&M but then you try it on and it’s too short and really boxy. There’s just way too much shirt and none of it is in the right place. She also decided to invest in some ridiculous Trashley eye lashes. But again, none of that mattered to Chris. He’s a smitten kitten. In fact, watching them run around town it felt like Becca was the Bachelorette and Chris was just another contestant trying to win her heart. They go to the village soothsayer and what sooth does he say? “Hump”. As we know, this is a problem for Becca because she doesn’t get down like that. The tension builds as the fantasy suite card is presented. Will she say yes? Will she tell Chris? Will it be a deal breaker? And of course, she does, she does, and no. This season of the Bachelor should be shown in 8th grade health classes and at church youth group conferences as a tool to teach abstinence. Being a virgin is not a big deal! And these women are showing us that. What a wonderful teaching moment. Things go well at night but the next morning, Becca drops the bomb that San Diego is nicer than Arlington Iowa and that she doesn’t want to have Children Of The Corn with Chris right away. Chris no likey. But he’s “falling in love” with Becca, which is just a way to say “I like you” only that would be offensive because I should feel more for you at this point. He pulls Becca aside at the rose ceremony and of course, she prevails. For her troubles, Becca gets a rose and the chance to be grilled by Chris’s tough-farmer mom. This could get predictable.

BRITT – Des Moines

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That was perfect and so predictable. There was no way this Hollywood “waitress” was going to let her family be shown on camera and had this moment pegged from the start as the time she’d walk out on the show. I just love that, for her trouble, she got to see a country and western concert in Deadwood and take a 6 hour road trip to nowhere Iowa. The temper tantrum after not getting the rose after the Des Moins group date was spectacularly douchey and Chris’s response was brilliant. He didn’t pull her aside. He just told her how it is and left. She wanted validation and he straight up left! THEN at the rose ceremony she pulls him aside and before she can break up with him, Chris just slams the door in the best way possible. Britt then walks outside and positions herself within earshot of the girls and starts to fake cry as loudly as she can, expecting one of them to come to her aid because in her mind, she’s been on The Briitchelore this whole time. It is so satisfying to see a bullspitter called on his or her bullspit. It was like eating dessert! That said I’m gonna miss Britt. She was the perfect villain. Kesley was delusional and probably a killer. Trashley was like one of those girls from that MTV show Sweet 16. Britt was different. She was so obviously lying to all of us and after Chris had gotten as much make out time as he could, he called her on it. She thought she was using the show for fame but really, Chris was using her for a whole lotta first base action. Goodbye, Britt. You won’t be famous and if you’re approached to do some nude modeling, please don’t accept. 

CARLY – Des Moines

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I freakin’ loved Carly. Some people think she was overcome by jealousy but I think she was just a freakin’ reasonable adult. And she was reasonable without being freakin’ boring. This chick is freakin’ FUNNY! And she’s totally cute. Get her to an eyebrow technician at Gene Juaraz and I could see Carly getting a job as a host on E! or Extra, way before Britt ever sniffs the small screen. And how awesome would that be? Carly just never really had a chance. She was just sort of there, being awesome for us viewers but never really being noticed by Chris. This whole time I’ve been mentioning how I could see Carly working in Arlington at a charming diner. After seeing what’s become of Arlington I’m kind of glad Carly won’t end up there. There is no diner!!! Arlington is an hour away from the nearest Starbucks. It’s three hours from the exposed brick and art museum of Des Moins. Arlington isn’t a small town it’s a non-town. They could tear down the buildings and put in more corn and none of us would notice. Carly is just too spunky for that. I’m not worried about her at all. She’ll find a hunky piece of fireman or something. She’ll sing him songs that are actually really good. He’ll tell her he loves her and he’ll mean it. She’ll be an awesome mom and a cool neighbor. That, or she’ll go on Bachelors in Paradise, not end up with a guy, feel worse about herself, get an empowering and terrible tattoo, go back to the cruise ship because that’s all she can do, get scurvy, and die at sea.

JADE – Hometowns Sad, Nebraska

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I’m cringing just writing this. That was paaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinful! Her little house in Nebraska. Her crying father, who’s had to go through a life of accepting his daughters love for being bad. Her brother’s haircuts, each worse than the last. And Chris talking to them all about family values. The tension built by the edit was terrifying. Would one of Jade’s brothers out her before Jade could gracefully tell Chris her secret? The look on Jade’s family’s faces was priceless when Chris kept going on about how tame Jade is. And that’s the thing. This is actually complicated and messy. Sarah and I had an actual long and in-depth conversation about Jade after the show. Just so many layers! Yes she can be who she wants and yes there are consequences to our actions and yes no one has to live with the burden of shame and oh my gosh she’s going to tell him. Ok, that was painful but not the worst. Wait. Oh man. Oh my gosh. Oh please don’t…SHE’S SHOWING HIM THE PICTURES!!!!! CHRIS IS SITTING IN THE AWKWARDNESS OF SEEING JADE NAKED WHILE SHE’S NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH THIS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE. OH MY GOSH NO!!!! THERE’S A VIDEO!!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY WORSE. CHRIS’S FACE!!!!!!! I mean what in the world do you do in Chris’s position???? And is Jade coming clean? Is she bragging? I don’t understand!!!! If Chris gets a little excited is he evil? Nobody wins in that situation, including us. That was one of the most cringeworthy scenes I have ever seen on this show. Also, sidenote: If it’s nude, is it really modeling? Like, what are you modeling? You’re naked. “Jade, jade…who are you wearing tonight?”  “I mean, I’m nude, so no one?” Right? Ok, back to the scene. I thought Chris handled himself like a friggin champion. That was perfect. And for all his stumbling and mumbling he just straight up owned that unownable moment. A huge hats off from all of us dudes, to you Christopher Soules. And he did it in a way that it was ok not to give a rose to Jade. It was just perfect. Jade, I just pray that you won’t go back to L.A. Here,http://livability.com/top-10/small-towns/10-best-small-towns/2014. I’ve done the work for you. Take your pick. Rural ladies need cosmetics. Open a small shop. Find people that won’t take advantage of you. Or keep modeling naked. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOOOOOOOW!!!!! 

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN – Bali’s Most Sacred Temple (At least is was before an American reality show about 1 man dating 30 women filmed there)

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For what it’s worth I think Kaitlyn purchased her one-way ticket to Bone Town (all abooooard!) after the Costco date. She’s been ready to get freaky for a while. Her date consisted of killing time before she could finally get Chris out of his pastel clothes. And that’s exactly what happened. I think she said something like, “We deserve this”. The shades come down and we’re left to believe the two make love at each other all night long. This show is insane. Chris no-doubt-sex’s two of the women on back to back nights and then he’s supposed to propose like one week later? It sounds like a weird 70’s cult or something. Give Chris some white clothes and a middle eastern beard and he’s Jim Baker, aka Father Yod. But back to Kaitlyn. I can’t remember one gal in this show’s history that I’ve flipped on so heavily than Kaitlyn. I hated her night one and now I’m so sad she’s gone. She’s so cute and kinda sweet. She’s also the prettiest cryer in history. Her reaction when Becca came back from the dead was perfect. She knew at that moment that she was gone and she handled it perfectly. Kaitlyn’s got major Bachelorette potential and I think she could be kinda dynamite on the Women Tell All. We’ll miss you, Kaitlyn!!! Well done. 

KELSEY

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Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!  She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?

“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?

MEGAN – Des Moines I think.  Feels like forever ago

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Megan just wasn’t feelin’ it. She wanted to feel it. But it just wasn’t there. She’s a sweetheart and can turn off the dumb-blonde thing whenever she wants. Her exit speech was delivered so well. I dig Megan. I’ll miss Megan. I have no clue what’s next for her but I think she’d be super fun on Bachelors in Paradise. Quick note before saying goodbye: What’s up with her little promo picture above? It looks like her body was drawn on. There’s no definition. Was the intern in charge of photoshoping that day? Is she blonde Jessica Rabbit? Goodbye and good luck, Megan. I hope we see you soon. 

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly. 

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Whitney is way into Chris. In fact, after being presented with the fantasy suite card and Chris says, “I think we should take things to the next level” Whitney shows no hesitation. When Whitney says she’s ready to move to Arlington and have a family, immediately, I believe her. And not just because I’ve been a believer since the first night. Chris, if you don’t pick Witney you are insane. This is your one and only chance to find a women like her if you’re going to live on your farm. Becca will string you along for a few months. She isn’t moving, man. Whitney is in. She’ll bring a nice energy to that quiet farm. Just do it, man. Now, all that said, does Whitney look different than she did even last week? She’s walking like a gymnast and her face looks kinda manish. I don’t get it. Has she gained some lb’s? It didn’t appear so when she was in her bikini. Was she walking with hear arms way out to her sides because she wanted to let the breeze dry her soaking arm pits? Maybe. Did she get giardia from the water and have really, really bad diarrhea the night before? It’s a bit of a mystery. How will Whitney feel as second fiddle? If she does win this thing will it be weird when the two of them are sitting on the couch at the After the Rose having just watched Chris and his family talk about how Becca is the one he wants but Whitney is the safe one? It’s like, “Well I applied to Stanford but my safe school is Wazzu.” Whitney aint no Wazzu! Chris, she’s as close to Harvard as you’re ever going to get. Don’t blow this. (appologize to all the Cougs that read this. I still love ya.)

 

Next week the women tell all. This show is like 50/50. Sometimes it’s epic. Sometimes it sucks. I’m betting with Kelsey and Trashley, it’s gotta be pretty good. I can’t wait.

Before I go, here is the best Bachelor tweet I read last night:

“Chris falling in love looks a lot like him trying to talk over a fart.”

Happy Monday, friends.

Week 7 – I was approached to do some nude modeling

Today I woke up especially sad for North Korea. I mean, I’m always sad for North Korea. Their food is fake and their leader, Kimberly Jong-un has a haircut you’d see on Orange is the New Black. Not a pretty woman. But that is not why I’m especially sad today. I’m especially sad for North Korea because they don’t get to watch The Bachelor.

This show is just the absolute best! And we got four hours of it (the Chris Tells All thing was unwatchable and does not count) in two days. I don’t remember a season where the heroes were so heroic and the villains so villainous. Where idiocy has been so blatantly combated with logic.

Britt: Guys, I’m definitely going home. There’s nothing that could change my mind so miss me lots and cry for me right now emkay?

Carly: I don’t believe you. You change your mind every five seconds.

Britt: Guys, it’s been literally 5 seconds and I have an update. I’m probably going home unless Chris begs and tells me I’m the prettiest and promises me a correspondent job on Extra.

Carly: [Eats hair in frustration]

And it’s not just the girls. It’s Des(perately wanting to be a real city) Moines. Come live here! We have exposed brick everywhere!!! It’s Arlington, whose welcome to sign reads “Where the Hills Meet the Prairie”. I would’ve gone with “The Badlands of Iowa” or “Simply Corn”. And it’s Chris who just stays out of the way and lets the stars of this show, the women, do their thing. Chris is a great straight man. He shows up wearing at least 4 layers and either stares blankly or giggles.

There’s a ton to cover and I know most of you work for a living and either read this thing while your boss is getting lunch, or while you’ve taken your phone into the office bathroom. I don’t want any legs to fall asleep while you’re sitting there. So let’s get right to the ladies and see how they survived.

And remember, the latest to get voted out will be in blue text. Blue because they are sad. 😦

 

KIMBERLY – Pyongyang

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Sure, a life on the farm is going to be a lot of work, but girl you gotta try a little harder. Let the sides of your hair grow down. You get points for never wearing a bra because that’s pretty sexy but it’s not enough to get you a rose. Be kind to your people, Kimberly. Be a better woman. 

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I – The Badlands

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I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe. 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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Let’s start in Iowa where Becca gets a 4 minute 1 on 1. They sit on a couch in a trendy looking loft. Things seemed fine. I think they kissed in front of a sunset. But nothing really happens when Becca goes on dates. On the other hand, I think we’re witnessing a full on Becsual awakening. Listening to her family you’d think Becca is either a closeted lesbian or a sociopath, incapable of human emotion. Is it just that her sister is basically a version of Becca that’s been pumped full of Chick-fil-A? Wracked with jealousy, Becca’s sister threw poor Becca under the bus, big time. The basement of her parent’s place is where joy goes to die. Becca’s mom followed up BiggerBecca in the trashing of our gal, leaving Chris to wonder what the heck was going on. Why were there gym lockers behind the couch? And sure, Becca’s mom made some decent points but still. If I were him I’d want out of there, fast. Get me to a ferris wheel for some elevation frenching. Becca moves on to what will probably be a non-event virgin conversation before entering the fantasy suite. I don’t know where to put Becca. I’d say she’s too vanilla to be the next bachelorette but Chris is doing just fine as a safe bet. I don’t know if Becca will win this thing either. I’m still confused about that terrible shirt she wore in Shreveport. Were those wings for sleeves? Was that a cape? I was so confused.

BRITT

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That was perfect and so predictable. There was no way this Hollywood “waitress” was going to let her family be shown on camera and had this moment pegged from the start as the time she’d walk out on the show. I just love that, for her trouble, she got to see a country and western concert in Deadwood and take a 6 hour road trip to nowhere Iowa. The temper tantrum after not getting the rose after the Des Moins group date was spectacularly douchey and Chris’s response was brilliant. He didn’t pull her aside. He just told her how it is and left. She wanted validation and he straight up left! THEN at the rose ceremony she pulls him aside and before she can break up with him, Chris just slams the door in the best way possible. Britt then walks outside and positions herself within earshot of the girls and starts to fake cry as loudly as she can, expecting one of them to come to her aid because in her mind, she’s been on The Briitchelore this whole time. It is so satisfying to see a bullspitter called on his or her bullspit. It was like eating dessert! That said I’m gonna miss Britt. She was the perfect villain. Kesley was delusional and probably a killer. Trashley was like one of those girls from that MTV show Sweet 16. Britt was different. She was so obviously lying to all of us and after Chris had gotten as much make out time as he could, he called her on it. She thought she was using the show for fame but really, Chris was using her for a whole lotta first base action. Goodbye, Britt. You won’t be famous and if you’re approached to do some nude modeling, please don’t accept. 

CARLY

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I freakin’ loved Carly. Some people think she was overcome by jealousy but I think she was just a freakin’ reasonable adult. And she was reasonable without being freakin’ boring. This chick is freakin’ FUNNY! And she’s totally cute. Get her to an eyebrow technician at Gene Juaraz and I could see Carly getting a job as a host on E! or Extra, way before Britt ever sniffs the small screen. And how awesome would that be? Carly just never really had a chance. She was just sort of there, being awesome for us viewers but never really being noticed by Chris. This whole time I’ve been mentioning how I could see Carly working in Arlington at a charming diner. After seeing what’s become of Arlington I’m kind of glad Carly won’t end up there. There is no diner!!! Arlington is an hour away from the nearest Starbucks. It’s three hours from the exposed brick and art museum of Des Moins. Arlington isn’t a small town it’s a non-town. They could tear down the buildings and put in more corn and none of us would notice. Carly is just too spunky for that. I’m not worried about her at all. She’ll find a hunky piece of fireman or something. She’ll sing him songs that are actually really good. He’ll tell her he loves her and he’ll mean it. She’ll be an awesome mom and a cool neighbor. That, or she’ll go on Bachelors in Paradise, not end up with a guy, feel worse about herself, get an empowering and terrible tattoo, go back to the cruise ship because that’s all she can do, get scurvy, and die at sea.

 

JADE

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I’m cringing just writing this. That was paaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinful! Her little house in Nebraska. Her crying father, who’s had to go through a life of accepting his daughters love for being bad. Her brother’s haircuts, each worse than the last. And Chris talking to them all about family values. The tension built by the edit was terrifying. Would one of Jade’s brothers out her before Jade could gracefully tell Chris her secret? The look on Jade’s family’s faces was priceless when Chris kept going on about how tame Jade is. And that’s the thing. This is actually complicated and messy. Sarah and I had an actual long and in-depth conversation about Jade after the show. Just so many layers! Yes she can be who she wants and yes there are consequences to our actions and yes no one has to live with the burden of shame and oh my gosh she’s going to tell him. Ok, that was painful but not the worst. Wait. Oh man. Oh my gosh. Oh please don’t…SHE’S SHOWING HIM THE PICTURES!!!!! CHRIS IS SITTING IN THE AWKWARDNESS OF SEEING JADE NAKED WHILE SHE’S NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH THIS CANNOT GET ANY WORSE. OH MY GOSH NO!!!! THERE’S A VIDEO!!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY WORSE. CHRIS’S FACE!!!!!!! I mean what in the world do you do in Chris’s position???? And is Jade coming clean? Is she bragging? I don’t understand!!!! If Chris gets a little excited is he evil? Nobody wins in that situation, including us. That was one of the most cringeworthy scenes I have ever seen on this show. Also, sidenote: If it’s nude, is it really modeling? Like, what are you modeling? You’re naked. “Jade, jade…who are you wearing tonight?”  “I mean, I’m nude, so no one?” Right? Ok, back to the scene. I thought Chris handled himself like a friggin champion. That was perfect. And for all his stumbling and mumbling he just straight up owned that unownable moment. A huge hats off from all of us dudes, to you Christopher Soules. And he did it in a way that it was ok not to give a rose to Jade. It was just perfect. Jade, I just pray that you won’t go back to L.A. Here,http://livability.com/top-10/small-towns/10-best-small-towns/2014. I’ve done the work for you. Take your pick. Rural ladies need cosmetics. Open a small shop. Find people that won’t take advantage of you. Or keep modeling naked. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOOOOOOOW!!!!! 

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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Kaitlyn continues on. If there’s one gal that I hated from the get go that’s grown on me since, it’s Kaitlyn. She’s spunky without being annoying. She barely mugs for the camera anymore. She uses humor to hide feelings but you can see her walls breaking down and it’s kind of adorable. Even the way she told Chris she loves him. She couldn’t say the words. Instead she bought a sad, electronic billboard in an abandoned lot somewhere in Arizona. Kaitlyn’s family seems super nice. Even her sister’s John-and-Kate-Plus-8 haircut was sort of charming in that, “Canada adopts the worst of American fashion like 8 years after it sweeps our midwest” kind of way. It would be a shock if Kaitlyn wins but she brings something so nice for us when pitted against Whitney’s stateliness and Becca’s blandness. Could Kaitlyn be the next Bachelorette? She’d be really fun on camera. I don’t know. Again, this friggin show just has my brain in knots. Who saw that coming? Regardless of what’s next for Kaitlyn, you can really root for her. Just please stop rapping. Please, no more. Just, don’t do that.

KELSEY

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Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!  She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?

“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?

MEGAN

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Megan just wasn’t feelin’ it. She wanted to feel it. But it just wasn’t there. She’s a sweetheart and can turn off the dumb-blonde thing whenever she wants. Her exit speech was delivered so well. I dig Megan. I’ll miss Megan. I have no clue what’s next for her but I think she’d be super fun on Bachelors in Paradise. Quick note before saying goodbye: What’s up with her little promo picture above? It looks like her body was drawn on. There’s no definition. Was the intern in charge of photoshoping that day? Is she blonde Jessica Rabbit? Goodbye and good luck, Megan. I hope we see you soon. 

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly. 

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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What’s to say? Whitney was just Whitney’ish for two straight nights. She never gets angry at anybody. She rises above the drama. She’s cute and nice and smart and spunky. I mean, look at Whitney side-by-side with Britt. Whitney is a mature, real, person. Britt is a fake, narcissistic child. Whitney takes showers like a normal human. Britt is a dirty hobo. I almost think Whitney is too good for Arlington. I worry about her there. She’s got too much light to shine and there’s almost nobody in Arlington to enjoy it. Whitney is perfect for Des Moins. Small town. Leaves falling. She looks dynamite in a lady pea coat. Her uncle John is just the right amount of portly. He’s got a cherubic face. Even Whitney’s less dynamic, older sister was making good points. No I will not give my blessing to a man who’s dating 4 other women. Have him call me when you’re the one and we’ll go from there because I’m a logical person who cares about you. And who is Whitney’s dad? Who’s the guy that walked out on someone so charming? By now you might be thinking, “But dude, what about the voice???” Here’s the thing, I don’t even hear her high-pitched voice anymore. I’m desensitized or something. Whitney just makes way too much sense not to pick. If you’re Chris and you really want to stay in Arlington Iowa, this is your one and only chance to find someone like Whitney. Do not blow this, man. You can’t parlay your fame into a bunch of meaningless flings because you’re related to everyone within 3 hours of your little house with the updated kitchen. Snatch this girl up and thank your lucky stars Andi dumped you last year. I’ve called it from the beginning, Whitney is gonna win this thing.

 

Next week we finally get into some tropical stuff. The boat date. I’m sure someone will get the walk around/happen upon a peasant band and spontaneously start dancing date. Maybe we’ll get the fly to your private island and sit there with nothing to do date.

Week 6 – Immeasurably Blessed

It’s bach cap time. And yes, it’s a day late. Like this season has done, I’m re-writing the rules. Rose ceremonies to start the show? Check. Bach Caps on Wednesday? Why not. Don’t expect it again because unless I’m in the hospital, the emotions felt during an episode need to come out as soon as possible.

So let’s talk about em.

South Dakota!!!!  South Dakota has it all! Except civilization. It does not have that. Civilization and hope. There is no hope in the badlands of South Dakota. There is only an oddly placed canopy bed, some serious side-eye, and hearsay…so much hearsay.

But before we got a 2 on 1 to end all 2 on 1’s, it was Becca’s time to cement herself as a serious contender. More on that later. Next came a group date that gave us open mic night, the awkwardness of aging country musicians, a stupid, stupid, stupid and liberating run down an empty street, fake-Britt, hurt feelings, crying Carly, queen Whitney, and more shyness from the girl who gets naked for a living.

This really was a wonderful night of television. Let’s take a look how our ladies made it happen.

And remember, there’s a format change. Now, the latest to get voted out will be in blue text. Blue because they are sad. 😦

 

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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I mean…I just…I don’t even know. That was incredible. The cockiness. The lack of any self-awareness. The outfit with dangly belly button ring set against the stark simplicity of South Dakota. The “WE BOTH GOT OUR MASTERS, KELSEY…AND MINE IS FROM A GOOD PLACE OKAY!!!!” When she was dumped and started crying and sort of threw a temper tantrum and yelled “I can’t believe you told her!!!” Then ran away, then stormed back to Chris, then ran away a little, then stormed back then blubbered a weird laugh-crying type thing. Trashley is just amazing. And how incredible was it that the least in-touch person on the show delivered the realist thing we’ve seen all season when she answered Chris’s suggest that she wasn’t ready for farm life with the truth bomb, “AND BRITT IS!!!????” That was beautiful. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to hear if Trashley has changed. To see what she’s wearing. Is she gonna take the Kardashian wannabe thing a step further or will she realize how pathetic that is and tone it all down? How long will her eye-lash extensions be??? I’m so sad to see her go and yet my life is a little cleaner because she’s gone. And how to the guys back in Jersey feel about her? There are just too many questions. If Trashley doesn’t get a spot on the next Bachelors in Paradise it will be a public tragedy on the level of Sanderson Poe. 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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Becca rode little Butternut, or whatever that horse’s name is right into Chris’s heart. These two are the type of couple that looks like brother and sister. I don’t know a ton about rural life (Iowa) but I think that’s a good thing. Chris laughs at Becca’s non-jokes. Becca laughs at Chris laughing. It’s an endless circle. Yeah she lives in San Diego which is like the best place on earth but I feel like she’s got a southern accent and a voluminous Texas-sized haircut. I think she could do ok on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I’ve got Becca in my final four and wouldn’t doubt if she made the final two!

BRITT

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We all know Britt is the absolute worst. But just what-if with me for a second. What if Britt knows she isn’t real. Has she lied to herself so often that she believes this whole journey of love is an actual thing? Or does she just show up, not shower, put on a ton of makeup and let Chris do all the supposing. Come to think of it, Britt hasn’t been overly proactive in professing any feelings for Chris. She hasn’t told us how much she wants to live on a farm. Maybe Chris knows that Britt would never work on a farm and he just wants to make out with her for as long as the other, wife-material women will let him. It’s like Britt’s the only contestant in a totally different show that’s happening in parallel. And here’s the thing, she’s winning that competition. Part of me wants to see her go because we all know this isn’t real and Britt sucks as a person. But part of me wants to see Chris keep her around and propose, just to see what Britt does. It’s like she’s playing with fire a little bit here. Let’s watch her get burned. Or let’s watch her stick around, hoping to finally get a free trip to a tropical location, only to remove herself from the competition before any awkward proposal goes down.

CARLY

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Carly was made for this. And I mean all of this. She has a Face for Farming™. But she’s also so good on camera! So natural. Carly is cool and funny. In fact her greatest weakness is herself. She has a self-esteem problem. That “problem” is that 10 other women are now dating the man she’s falling in love with. We can’t blame Carly for being sad so much. She’s a normal, awesome person and her boyfriend is basically cheating on her in front of her at almost all times! Carly either needs to become the next bachelorette where she has all the power. Or she needs to be dumped by Chris, move off the cruise ship and into a small town, and start dating the local high school football coach. Where are you, Young Eric Taylor?

Eric Taylor

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Oh, there you are. Look at you. Jason Street is still walking. You’re taking over a powerhouse high school program. You don’t know about all the tears that will be shed over the years. You don’t know how your daughter will get super chesty. You aren’t thinking about East Dillion. Young Eric Taylor, your entire life is still ahead of you and you don’t even know it yet. God bless you for all you’re about to give us.

JADE

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Last week Jade got cold in warm weather. This week she needed to run down the street in a ghost town to rise to the occasion. When it comes to whitewater rafting and writing/singing her own country song Jade needs a lot of hand holding. And that’s all love is, really. Whitewater rafting and writing/singing songs. With this logic, which is air tight, it appears Jade might not be ready for marriage. And yet she kind of rose above her fears and delivered a pretty gutsy performance. Still, it wasn’t enough to keep Chris from disappearing with Britt for over an hour, leaving the women to sit in the most depressing bar in the most depressing town in the most depressing state in America.

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and Sante Fe

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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Kaitlyn rapped her country song and I think it may’ve been the first time the word “beaver” was bleeped by the censors at ABC. I feel sorry for beavers. They’re just out there building dams and being eager. What did they ever do to become a bad word? Keep beav’in, beavers. It’s not your fault.

KELSEY

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Monday night, Kelsey told us all that she is immeasurably blessed. I contend that it is not Kelsey but all of us who are blessed. Blessed for having known Sanderson Poe’s widow. Blessed for witnessing one of the greatest all time bachelorettes in history. In fact, Kelsey’s crazy face should most definitely be etched into the mount rushmore of bachelorettes along with Courtney the evil model, Tiara the one who would not be robbed of her sparkle, and whoever else you want. The smugness!!!! What Kelsey thinks is elegance, the rest of humanity recognizes as murdery. She speaks about the journey as something she wants to win and then chastises Trashley for playing it like a game. She triple ties her scarves. She self-diagnoses a panic attack and then reveals she’s never had one before. How would she know what a panic attack was like? That’d be like if she said, “I know what it means to have a human soul”. She’s never had one so how would she know. When the date cards are written, Kelsey is overjoyed at the notion of a 2 on 1. It’s the perfect! The arrogance begins, and then takes constant leaps as she brags about her knowledge of the badlands and names the presidents as they’re flying past mount rushmore. Things get even creepier when they touch down.She’s confronted by Chris about being a giant B-word and manages to throw Trashley under the bus. Then, after Chris dumps Trashley, Kelsey consoles him as a wife consoles her husband. Her arrogance had grown to the highest of highs the second before Chris dumped her. IT WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!  She was then, left with her nemesis in the middle of nowhere. The only better outcome would’ve been if Chris, Ashley and Kelsey had to fly back to town together after Chris dumped them both. I would watch a spinoff show where Ashely and Kelsey fly around in helicopters and tell viewers about historical events. Is the Travel Channel reading this? How is it that hard to get these two into a helicopter and flying around the Statue of Liberty! We will miss you Kelsey. Good luck in your job as a….wait. WTFTHISWOMANISAGUIDENCECOUNCILER?????? Kelsey is in charge of shaping young minds?

“The Emperor has already won”. – Obi Wan

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Kale! Mommy is coming home! Mackenzie, you came, you talked about aliens and how men love to deflower virgins more than life itself. I’d call that a successful few weeks. All of Maple Valley, Washington is your oyster so…go to it?

MEGAN

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When Megan travels internationally (New Mexico) good things happen. Thank the Lord she hung around for another week. Megan is just a delight. She’s the sideshow in this brutal game of love. She’s like the jester at a Medieval Times restaurant. There’s a jester at Medieval Times, right? Keep being you, Megan. Keep doing Megan things.

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Finally, the run is over. The quietest woman in bachelor franchise history goes quietly. What’s next for Samantha? Who knows!! I have no clue where she’s from, what she does, or who she is. Here’s better whatever Samantha will do, she’ll do it quietly. 

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Last week I referred to Whitney as princess Diana-like. This week she rose to queen status. She’s like the official spokesperson for all the women. She’s the one who confronted Kelsey. She sort of stood for all the women who where ditched in the dive-bar while Chris and Britt awkwardly danced at the country show. We all know Britt won’t win. I think Whitney is the front runner of the realistic ladies who are left. You know when you go to Spaghetti Factory really excited about mazithra but you get there and the waiter says they’re all out of mazithra so you’re bummed but it’s not that bad because the bread is bottomless and the creamy pesto is the best salad dressing of all-time, the spumone ice cream is free, and you can still get meat sauce at a reasonable price? Whitney is mazithra. Carly is meat sauce. Kaitlyn is the buddy you go with after 18 holes of birthday golf. Megan is the girl who wonders how they got the train car in the restaurant. Becca orders vanilla ice cream. Whitney is just where it’s at. Whitney will always be, every woman.

 

Now I’m really hungry. Next week I don’t know what happens because I don’t like spoilers.

Week 5 – My Story is Amazing

Hi. It’s only fair that you all know that my heart was broken on Sunday and writing about foreverlove is hard. But, I’m gonna put on my bigboy pants and tough out this bach cap. Just know that this is what I look like and sound like.

Siiiigh. OK! You can do this!

Wow. That was an episode for the ages!it had everything:

  • Fear of heights
  • Fear of showering
  • Fear of bad breath
  • International travel?
  • A slow-talking love (sex) guru
  • A panic attack
  • Night makeup
  • A group-date hijacking
  • Mean girls
  • Hypothermia
  • A “nap”

Oh, and a probable murderer! I honestly don’t remember enjoying an episode this much since Tiarra’s ham-smelling @ss was booted by Sean Lowe.

Even without a rose ceremony, that was just a thousand times amazing.

I’m getting ahead of myself. On to the ladies. Oh, there’s a format change. Now, the latest to get voted out will be in blue text. Blue because they are sad. 😦

 

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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It just gets worse and worse. Trashley is a mean girl, like the movie Mean Girls. It’s 100% who she is and she has 100% no clue that it makes her so unlikeable. Britt is manipulative and dirty. Kelsey kills people. Trashley just has zero self awareness. She’s like Michael Scott only with no appeal whatsoever. She’s not writing Threat Level Midnight. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to see if she’s learned anything from this show. Because someone as on it as Trashley is definitely looking at this as a teachable moment. Could you imagine driving cross country with this person? Or even sharing an elevator ride with her? If ever you run into Trashley I suggest you take the advice of Dr. Jack Sheppard.

 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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Not a big night from Becca but we saw her handle the Jordan situation with grace. She’s clearly a good person and one to watch in a major way. Keep being you, Becca.

BRITT

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What in the world? On a show with a dirty sex guru, Britt is the one that doesn’t shower? She puts makeup on to go to bed? I just don’t understand. But she’s got a power over people. More and more women are wearing her pink lipstick. It’s a sign that she’s running things. It’s a sign that she’s a master manipulator. When the date cards were read, Britt somehow had all the women rooting that she would get the one on one. AND we learn that she doesn’t want kids or to get married. The biggest red flag girl from week one is beginning to show her true colors. Britt’s on the wrong show. She belongs on Bravo, having scripted conversations about backstabbing and shoes. Also, she belongs in hell.

CARLY

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Oh the awkwardness. White burlap clothing. Exploratory touching. Breathing into each other’s mouths? Good gracious I hope neither of them had the onion bagel at the continental breakfast.There were so many moments I had to cover my eyes during their date, and yet Carly came out like a champion! Good for her! She deserves a horny lover. And we all know Chris likes to ho. (The farming kind. He likes to use a hoe to till the earth. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.) Carly is so lovable. She would rule on the farm and be such a fun family addition. It’s all so perfect…BUT, will it work out or is Carly being set up to become the next Bachelorette? She’s a little eyebrow help away from being America’s Sweetheart. Either way, Carly’s gonna come out of this journey smelling like roses. Unlike say…

SEX GURU

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Wow. Wow. This is a sex guru who’s sex guru friends probably describe like, “I mean River is nice and I enjoy hitting the mall with her and stuff but if I’m being honest, she can be a little “sex guru’y”. And that’s coming from me, a sex guru!” That gal was committed to the process. She spoke in a way that suggests she feels the universe with every syllable that escapes her mouth. And I mean, what’s that gotta taste like? There’s no way she isn’t eating garlic hummus right now. And I dare any of you to tell me she uses anti-persperant. But, I’ll give her something. By sitting closely to Carly, the Sex Guru made our girl look and smell so much better! Just by being super weird, she elevated Carly’s game in comparison. The sex guru knows. Words to live by.

JADE

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Jade got cold in warm weather. I just, I can’t figure her out. She’s in porn…she’s super sweet and shy. She grows up on a farm in Nebraska…she gets cold when it’s warm outside. Could she survive in Iowa? Is that why she moved to Hollywood? To get feeling back in her feet and hands? Jade isn’t the worst, but she’s not the best either. Expect an exit just before the hometowns, after the final fat has been trimmed.

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and last night

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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A really quiet night from Kaityln too. She handled the Jordan thing pretty well. She had pouty lips 24/7. Most importantly, she didn’t implicate herself in a murder and then immediately start kissing someone, then 2 hours later, fake a panic attack to get out of a rose ceremony….

KELSEY

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Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Kelsey is frightening. Is there a soul in there? She’s walking around trying to mimic human emotions like Dexter, from the hit show Dexter. First she tells her story in as cold a way possible and forgets how her husband died. THEN she talks about girls getting in “her” way and goes to see Chris where she tells her story again, fakes tears and without skipping a beat, before Chris can even say anything, Kelsey starts making out with the guy!!!!  My husband died a year and a half ago french, french, headgrab french. I mean, there’s no period in that sentence because there was no pause. So it’s one of 3 things. 1) Kelsey’s husband (who has the most made up name in history by the way) really did die of something heart related. 2) Kelsey poisoned him and has no emotions so she forgets her alibi because she feels nothing. 3) Kelsey is lying about everything. Having a husband, being a widow. After the makeout, Kelsey looks dead at the camera and says, “My story is amazing”. HER STORY IS THAT HER HUSBAND DIED AND SHE THINKS THAT’S AMAZING. I can’t do her justice. She is just one-of-a-kind crazy. THEN, she acts WAY over confident while the girls are sitting around waiting for the rose ceremony. She gets sad and says something like, “It’s just so hard, and that’s why I have to say goodbye. (full stop) Oh, to somebody who’s going home. I know I’m not but, it’s just so sad, guys.” AND THEEEEEEEN she either fakes a panic attack or really has one because she realizes her pathetic attempt to get a last second sympathy rose isn’t going to work!!!!!!! Kelsey has GOT to be a first ballot inductee when they finally make that dream a reality and open the bachelor hall of fame. She is everything! Even looking at her little picture is chilling! I cannot wait for next week.

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Mackenzie is just a straight up idiot BUT she did call out Trashley for being catty. Hat’s off there.Other than that, it was a quiet night for the disgrace of Maple Valley.

MEGAN

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There’s good. There’s evil. And then there’s Meagan. I mean, she’s just adorable. Sombreros? Native American chanting? New Mexico Old Mexico? Beach resorts? This gal is delightfully dumb. Don’t change a thing, Meagan. You have no shot to win but you bring a fun sideshow to the hunger games. You’re like the Kimmy Gibbler of the show, always there to lighten the mood when things get a little murdery.

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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She speaks! We got 2 sentences from Samantha. I was beginning to think this was some kind of Sixth Sense thing where I was dead and so was Samantha. Nobody else could see her sitting there. But no. We’re both alive. Hurray! With this second chance at life I’m going to really live. Gonna dance like nobody’s watching.

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Whitney is like princess Diana with a lady’s haircut and a high-pitched cartoon voice. She just rises above the fray. She’s compassionate even to those who would threaten her. Whitney is the kind of woman that would be honored at a small town ceremony. If she moves to Iowa she’d have a bench dedicated to her after she dies. If Carly is Kit from A league of Their Own, Whitney is Dottie. She’s stately. Beautiful. Tall. And probably a hell of a catcher. I think Whitney might be too much/too sophisticated/too good for Chris. I think she’s better. But is she better for Chris? It’s the question women (and like a handful of dudes) around the country will be asking ourselves in the weeks to come.

 

Next week we get a humiliating 2 on 1. And, spoiler alert…Trashley cries.

Week 4 – Sponsored by Cinderella in theaters soon!

Hello again. And welcome. This week, the annual painful product placement episode meets the annual painful dress a girl up in fancy clothes like a princess episode. Throw in some tough-mudding, and “lake” camping and you’ve got a fun 2 hours of television.

I know this is about the women, but we can’t have this show without the man. Our bachelor, Christopher Soules. Here’s the thing about Chris Soules. He sucks at dating. It’s amazing and you’d think this would hurt the show. But it doesn’t. Chris is the stammering’est guy I’ve  seen on TV, maybe ever. Apart from really voluptuous man-pecs, Chris has no business being the bachelor. The guy can’t express himself with words. And you wonder why he’s always kissing these chicks. It’s all he knows. He’s a touchy feely guy.

This was his rebuttal after Britt completely owned him before the rose ceremony:

“I mean,…it’s just that, and then…I guess what I’m trying to say is….you know what I mean? Ummm…..There are many facets to Kaitlyn. And, then…you know?”

It was really something. There’s starting a sentence and halfway through not remembering where you were going. And then there’s 16 year old me trying to teach myself how to drive a stick on the way to my job at Fabric Land. Just a fumbling mess of stalling the car at traffic lights. All sweat and shame and not really getting anywhere. And that is our man, Chris Soules having a conversation.

Few other quick things sticking with me this morning:

  • There’s a right way to be a virgin and there’s a wrong way to be a virgin.
  • When a rose is on the line, the bottoms come off before the top.
  • Have a 5 year plan.
  • Be from a small town if possible.

OK, on to the ladies.

 

ALISSA

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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How many red flags does the world have? Every time Ashley does anything I picture a million Chinese people standing behind her in a large city square, waving tiny Chinese flags. Just a see of red flags. A sea of warnings. This week Trashley called Kelsey “Phony Bologna”. She did this while adjusting her hair extensions, and just minutes after applying a 10th coat of lip gloss at dark campfire. She was pissed that Jade was chosen to be a princess because Jade wasn’t princess material. Ashely has always identified with Disney princesses. Her dream is to be a princess. SHE IS AN ADULT WITH AN UNHEALTHY LOVE OF DISNEY! Cue a million Chinese people. She woke up Chris and told him super random stuff about being conservative despite dressing like a ho. And then she made out with him as he was literally falling asleep sitting there. She broke down into tears after telling Chris she’s a virgin. As if he cares at all. And yeah, we’re all either virgins or have been virgins in the past. It can be hard, and isolating. And awkward to talk about. But nobody cares! Ashley I’s virgin story has taken up like 45 minutes of air time. Brooke’s virgin time has taken up 6 seconds. Living with Ashely would be a nightmare! And yet, some dude out in Trenton or something is gonna love this girl. And I guess that’s a great thing about this world. No matter how sucky you are at everything, there’s somebody who will love you for who you are. I could write a book about Ashely I but I’ll take my own advice and….

ROSS G

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ASHLEY S

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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See, Becca is a regular virgin. She doesn’t have to cry about it. She doesn’t wake up Chris in the middle of the night to talk about it. She just acts like a normal person. It can happen. Somebody needs to sit Ashley I down and watch this episode like football players watch game film. Becca is stable. Is she a little too stable? We need to see some silliness. If She can show that she’s got some silly, Becca can find herself choosing to forgo her separate room and instead, staying in the fantasy suite as a couple. A couple of cuddlers.

BRITT

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Britt, you are a bad actress. It’s why you’re waiting tables in Hollywood. Did you really think you could fool Chris’s sisters into thinking you’d fit in Iowa? These are salt of the earth people! They fill America’s breadbasket. You probably don’t even eat bread do you, Britt? And then, you master-manipulated Chris into questioning your biggest rival, Kaitlyn. And that’s really what she is to you. A rival. Because in your mind this is a game how dare you not treat this like the honest to goodness search to find forever love you’ve got me so incensed I’ve stopped using punctuation I can’t imagine what you’d even look like without make up your whole world is made up. Respect the journey, Britt. This is super real.

CARLY

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If there was ever any doubt that Carly has a face for farming, just look at Chris’s sisters. Carly fits on a farm. She’s kind of dolled up. I don’t understand her eyebrows at all. They’re like two C’s turned downward. But that kind of stuff is ok on a farm I think, because why not? Seriously, look at that face and tell me she couldn’t convince you to get a side of bacon with your flap jacks. Carly was made for this.

JADE

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Jade. The perfect girl to be made into a princess. She isn’t expecting anything. She doesn’t already see herself as a princess. Jade is made for the farm. She’s a small-town Nebraska girl who moved to Hollywood, fell in with the wrong crew, got some really bad tattoos, may’ve been taken advantage of, and ended up in Playboy. It’s like a Gun’s and Roses song. But there’s still so much Jade left after whatever happened to her, happened to her. She isn’t beyond saving. And what better place to be saved than in Iowa? It worked for Terrance Mann in Field of Dreams. I’m rooting for you, Jade.

JILLIAN

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN

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Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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On the one hand, Kaitlyn took her bottoms off and got drunk at a roadside “lake”, then told us all that it was the perfect setting for her. Ladies I hope your daughters were watching. On the other hand, she was the only one who actually tried to get deep with Chris. He reciprocated by pointing at the moon and saying, “look at that”. Men, am I right? But then back on the other hand, Kaitlyn is muggin’ for the cameras back at the campfire. I feel like she is constantly keeping stock of how well she’s doing at being on The Bachelor instead of developing true feelings. Muggin’ isn’t a good reason to propose to somebody. Kaitlyn could be this year’s girl to get kicked off and not care at all. She’ll be fine. She’ll go on some late night talk shows that she will enjoy but won’t get paid for, move to Vancouver, become a bartender and love it. But I just don’t see her winning this thing. And if she does, I give the engagement 3 months.

KELSEY

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Once when I was 12 years old I got to meet Ken Griffey Junior. It was after a game in the Kingdome and I was in the tunnel where only  family and friends are allowed. I went to the game with Henry Cotto’s best friend’s daughter. I was standing there, next to 4 or 5 other kids. I was the only white kid. And yeah, I was wearing a turtleneck under a t shirt. Griffey came out of the locker room. I was in awe. This was my hero! He looked at all of us kids, one at a time and came back to me. He stared right at me and said, “Who the hell is this? Who let this kid in here? Who you with, man?” I was frozen. Then, annoyed, he pointed at all the other kids and said, “You, you, you, you, come with me.” and he took them into the locker room with him to meet the other players while I was left to stand there holding my Uperdeck rookie card and a pen. I had not felt that confusion and sadness again until last night, watching Kelsey. What the heck????????  Kelsey! What the heck was that????? Your normal sweetness turned sour. I mean, sure that wasn’t a lake. And  yeah you were stuck with 7 other women in bikinis, all yelling at nothing in particular and drinking hard A in the middle of the day. And yes you got stung just inches from your lady bits but come on! Find a way to have a little fun. We were all rooting for you! You were america’s sweetheart! The widow with a heart of gold. And now you’re the show villain? How does that happen? What are we supposed to believe in? And next week’s scenes look like a friggin train wreck! I don’t even know. I just…I… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiZNSzWIaLo

KIMBERLY

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Whatever. I think Mackenzie was wearing this same dress in last night’s episode while she tried to console a crying virgin.

 

MEGAN

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Megan did precious little last night. She lost her train of thought once because she isn’t very smart. And that’s Megan.

NIKI

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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Amazing. Samantha hasn’t said I a word in what, a month since this show started? And yet she’s still in the hunt. Yo go girl?

TANDRA

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM)

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Whitney used the tried and true method of looking great in a wedding dress to get the first rose at the rose ceremony. Whitney is gonna be tough to beat in this thing. I’m telling you! Like, if Carly is serving a really friendly cup of coffee in the small-town diner, Whitney is running her own midwest-dress shoppe and coaching the high school cheerleaders to an improbably run at state. She’s got the bone structure and the height to be farm royalty. Britt should be more worried about Whitney than Kaitlyn. You watch.

 

Next week we go to Santa Fe and things get hot!(air baloon’y).

Week 3 – I’m a woman and you’re a man

I couldn’t be the bachelor. I just could not be the bachelor. And it isn’t about the outdoor plumbing, the oiled-up crunches, or the need to constantly be giving speeches about my feelings. I couldn’t be the bachelor because being made out with by women that taste like whiskey and pepperoni, with dry, stupid mouths, and arms like Channing Tatum is just too much for me to bare.

Poor Prince Farming. He’s getting mouth violated on the regular. It’s painfully awkward for us to watch. Imagine what it’s gotta be like to live it! To be trapped in a hot tub with Jillian’s man-hand clutching your thigh. To have to sit there while Kim Kartrashian (not my nickname) sobs and laughs historically before wrapping her Jersey mouth around your entire face. I don’t know if Chris Soules is a stronger man than I or if he just really likes the taste of desperation.

Speaking of, gosh this show is full of dumb. Like, I don’t mean to be negative but man, this is some awful shiz. These ladies are terrible, save for less than a handful of normal. Jimmy Kimmel joked about getting dumped but honestly, he is borderline as desirable as most of these women. And before you think that’s gay of me to say, look again at Jillian’s shoulders.

It feels bleak, but we must press on. For love. Let’s see how the ladies did.

 

ALISSA

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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You know when you’re in somebody else’s car and they like to have the heat on and it smells like car-heat and everything is stuffy? You know when a TV is like two volume clicks too loud and it just sort of eats at you? You know when you take a giant handful of popcorn and there’s a hair in it and as you chew the hair just gets all tangled up in the mushy popcorn in your mouth and you just want to get everything out of there and stick your face under a waterfall? Put way too much makeup, fake lashes, and stupid accessories on those experiences and you’ve got Kartrashian. Every time she’s on screen I just want to dim the picture, kill the volume, and move my couch back a foot or two. It’s like, I can’t look directly at the screen. And I know my face looks like I just smelled a fart–even writing this my face has the “somebody just farted” face. Chris needs to give Ashley the “Ross Gellar tone it down a little” hand gesture. In fact,…

ROSS G

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All the roses.

ASHLEY S

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Ashley S was 1 minute away from going an entire episode without doing anything crazy. Then, when she received her rose her eyes just went insane. It was like she was looking through Chris, through the mansion roof, through the clouds, and the atmosphere, and into space. Ashley S was contacting her alien race and signaling a go for attack. Shoot. It’s happened. Ashely S has turn me insane. I’ve caught it like a cold. 😦

BECCA

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Becca rules. She’s normal. She’s cute. And she didn’t try to force a kiss. In fact, when the perfect kissing opportunity presented itself, Becca shot Chris down because as she said, “I just wouldn’t do this in normal life and I don’t want to be someone I’m not.” Becca is the exact opposite of almost every other woman on this show. She’s zigging while everybody else zags. In two hours of nasty it was so refreshing to see five minutes of nice. I am behind you, Becca!

BRITT

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Every season the weaker women start dressing the same. They wear the same terrible accessories. They wear the same lipstick color. But all of this has to start somewhere. It has to come from someone. And that someone is usually the most manipulative, emotionally unstable woman of the bunch. On Bachelors in Paradise it was closet organizer Ashlee. I’m calling Britt as this season’s patient zero. She is the one handing out those terrible headbands. She is the one making others wear bright pink lipstick. She may look all calm and collected but I think Britt is a closet train wreck. And she’s always mugging for the camera. Britt thinks this show is about her. Britt, you suck.

CARLY

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Carly! She comes at us with the line of the season! She is a woman and there’s no way she’ll let Chris forget it. And I guess when you’re in the same troop as Jillian, it’s probably worth clarifying. Carly is charming and peppy and apart from being a cruise ship singer, she seems normal. She also has a face for a farm. Look at that face and tell me you can’t see her serving coffee with a smile at the local pancake place. Will Carly win? Probably not. But she’s way better than most of the gals on this thing. You go farmface!

JADE

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Jade is the super-shy, coy one who somehow tricks Chris into a little in-bed make out. How does Jade do this? Could it be that she’s not all that shy and is instead a Playboy model? Fake coy!!!!! She fake coy’d Chris! If he’d only looked down at her giant white heels. That’s a lot of heel to wear to a pool party in your own back yard. You’re crafty, Jade. I’m watching you.

JILLIAN

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I mean, c’mon. The working out. The flexing. The aggressive hot tub clutching. I can’t even. I need a week off.

JORDAN

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Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

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Juelia has a sad story. She does. And we should all have sympathy for her. And we will, for this week. Juelia gets the sympathy rose after interrupting a french-kissing pool party to tell her story to Chris. And poor Chris. He’s expected to hear this story and then immediately go make out with another woman on a bed, then another “woman” in a hot tub, then a train wreck of makeup and tears dangerously close to a rooftop. Where were we? Oh yeah. Juelia. Here’s the thing. She is one of the weaker women who is wearing Britt’s second-choice clothing. And I know this is bad but Juelia is just not TV attractive and the way she pronounces words (feelings as fillings  and help as hewp and things as thingas) suggests she might not be the sharpest tool in shed. And again, she has a sad story. (And again she kind of has a dumb-face. Like, a dumb looking face.) In any other situation, this would be super mean to talk about, but this is the hunger games of forever love. There is no mercy here. Ok, there’s one week of mercy.

KAITLYN

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I didn’t understand Kaityln’s outfit. Was her bellybutton hidden by her white tube-tank top thing? Or was it hidden by her fashion sweatpants? I don’t know anything. I’m just a regular guy but I feel like if you’re going to show some torso, don’t make it a guessing game. Guys don’t want to have to wonder if you’re a robot working with SkyNet. Show us you have a belly button. Does anybody else feel like Kaitlyn needs an audience? That she’s sort of auditioning for some kind of role in showbiz? Call me crazy but I just can’t see Kaitlyn doing well with Chris’s super-sweet farm family. She’s too rough and tumble. Short story long, Katilyn comes from Vancouver. So does Nickleback.

KELSEY

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Not a ton of Kelsey this week. Next week looks like she finally gets her due. I’m expecting big things from her. Don’t blow this, Chris! She drank goat’s milk for you!

KIMBERLY

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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I don’t know if Mackenzie is young, stupid, or young and stupid but she just continues to embarrass the North West. Cracky like a crack whore? Why are you kissing any of the other women when you kissed me a few days ago? What is Mackenzie thinking? Actually, strike that. We know exactly what Mackenzie is thinking because she has no inner monologue. Whatever comes into her brain (which isn’t much) is spewed out into the world. I feel like the moderator of the academic bowl in Billy Maddison. “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to you. I award you no points. And may God have mercy on your soul.” In fact…

BILLY MADDISON MODERATOR GUY

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This guy gets it! He understands!

MEGAN

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Megan, the Grand Canyon date girl, didn’t have much to do this week. She did ask Trashley I, “Do I look good?” That’s troubling. That means Megan has low self esteem AND that Trashley I is having a big effect on the other women. She’s co-manipulating things with Britt. Megan, you show flashes of brilliance. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. And get as far from New Jersey as possible.

NIKI

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Who in the world is Niki? We got a few bites from her and she seemed normal. Sure her job is, “Former NFL cheerleader”. But you can former NFL cheerlead from anywhere in the country. A farm is as good a place as any. With my dark horse school teacher Tracy out, Niki has the chance to take that normal-woman spot. Good luck, I guess.

SAMANTHA

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Samantha does nothing. But again, she has dark hair and nice eyes. That might be enough when compared to the crazies and the manlies. Maybe she’ll do more next week.

TANDRA

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM)

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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I’ve been on team Whitney since night one. Does she have the voice of a child or a cartoon lady-mouse? Yes. But if you can just get past that there is so much to love. She’s smart, she’s pretty. And she’ll crash a wedding! I had such high hopes for Whitney going into her one-on-on but things looked bad early. Awkward silences. Windy hair. Luckily, Whitney can think on her feet. She rocked the wedding, saving Chris’s bumbling a$$ more than once. And that is attractive. When a woman “rolls the cobb”. Smart and witty is good. Giant lats are not good. It’s not that hard.

 

I’m glad we’re through this week. It was rough. It looks like next week we’ll get some good girls on dates and some evil girls looking jealous. Oh, and some trampy girls getting naked. Bring it on.

Week 2 – MESA VERDE

Hello again you lovers of love. You believers. You dreamers. Despite a world filled with menstrual cramps, people who smoke cigarettes in the rain and then get onto city busses and sit right next to you, and terrorism, we choose to accept that 20 something, super makeupy train wrecks would jump at the chance to live in the middle of Iowa. Like, in a town that people from Iowa don’t even know exists.

And there’s beauty in that. There’s hope. We choose to believe that the world is amazing and mysterious and wonderful. Or, we just love making fun 24 year old hair dressers who willfully drive tractors in bikinis. Either way, all of us rule.

But this isn’t about us. It’s about the women. We’re still so early on that many will only get a minute or two of screen time. Some will take advantage. Some will fade into the background. Take a fake outdoor shower if you’ve got one and let’s take a look at how our ladies did.

 

ALISSA

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER

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Ohhhhhhh, Amber. You’re kind of falling for Chris which is going to make this so hard in like 2 weeks. Sure, The Bachelor might be modern in some areas. It was the first to realize that an accurate barometer to measure the feasibility of a successful, life-long marriage is to have two strangers repel down a building together. But sadly, The Bachelor is the most painfully racist show on TV. And HOCKEY is on TV. I just hope you can parlay your time on this show into real love, Amber. Sweet, Amber.

ASHLEY I

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The Bachelor isn’t The Bachelor without at least one Ashley. This lady is like 1.5 of them all by herself. We could make an “Ashl” out of Ashley’s fake eye lashes, hair, tan, her makeup, giant fake earrings, her dangly belly button ring, her belly button chain, and all the rhinestones on her belly dancer cocktail dress. Judging on Chris’s tastes, Ashl would totally get a rose, despite not having hands to hold it or a mouth to accept it. I don’t get how Ashley is still here but I guess if you’re a guy living on a farm in Iowa you don’t get a lot of Jersey Shore in your day to day life. We can’t blame Chris for experimenting? Oh, and Ashley is a secret virgin. Whatever that is.

ASHLEY S

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Is Farmer Chris being Punk’d? Are we sure we didn’t see Ashton Kutcher or Dax Sheppard in that Zombie paint ball maze, sitting behind hidden monitors, overly cracking up and feeding lines to Ashley S? She can’t be real. It’s impossible. The show may’ve finally gone too far in planting crazies. And on top of that, she got a rose! I mean, can we still debate whether or not the producers get to keep at least 2 or 3 disasters for the first few weeks? We need to Get Jesse. You’re too much, Ashley S.

BECCA

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Becca hasn’t gotten a ton of screen time yet but I think there’s something there. Chris was wow’d when she got out of the limo. She keeps getting roses despite never talking. Keep an eye on Becca, if you can pick her out of all the other women on the show. Seriously, it’s like a hurricane of delicate necklaces, hair extensions, vacant eyes, and dead loved ones. It’s almost impossible to stick out of this show unless you’re crazy/high on drugs, or you have an unnaturally hairy butt crack. More on that later.

BRITT

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WRONG REASONS ALERT!!!! Britt is an out of work actress who lives in Hollywood. And I know what you’re thinking, “Britt seems kinda into Chris”. Yeah, she does. Because she’s an out-of-work actress who lives in Hollywood. If she was a better actress she’d having us really believing it. What better way to make it in showbiz than by going on The Bachelor and trying to get America to fall in love with you? We all know how that worked out for Aly Feditowski. She took her fame and made it as one of those really annoying people on Comcast On Demand that tells you about upcoming movies while you’re searching for something to watch.

CARLY

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Eep. This is an unfortunate picture of Carly. She hasn’t stood out at all yet. Did she go on a date last night? No matter. She’s still in it and I’m sure she’ll make a splash next week. Or she’ll go home. Either way. We don’t care because we don’t know her yet. Carly is like a make-your-own-salad place. Salad never really sounds good for lunch but you know you have to do it sometimes to stay within striking distance of being fit. It’s just not gonna get the juices flowing. And that’s Carly.

JADE

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Nothing against the name, “Jade” but are we really surprised that Jade is the one in the group who wore a see-through dress out of the limo and who has naked pictures on the internet? Parents. Please, if you have a daughter name her something safe, like Jillian. Nothing bad every happens with a Jillian…

JILLIAN

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Jillian had a rough night. She wore a skimpy bathing suit, exposing what one woman described as an unnaturally hairy butt crack. Like, not peach fuzz that everybody has. We’re talking Super Mario’s mustache turned on it’s side. And look, I’m not suggesting she go and get that waxed. You ladies go through so much stuff to look like you do. It’s already unreal how lucky we guys are. Maybe though, you should just wear a normal-sized bathing suit if you have Robin Williams’ style body hair going on down there. To make matters worse, Jillian jumped the gun at the rose ceremony, then fell down. I would have felt worse if Jillian wasn’t terrible. But she is. She’s the worst.

JORDAN

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Did Jordan look at this as a free trip to LA or do we think she has a legitimate drinking problem? Her bio says she wants to be Brittany Spears for a day. Can we get somebody to check in with Jordan once she gets back to Colorado? Just to make sure she eats before she drinks? Maybe buy her some bread? Nothing fancy. No 9 grain or anything. Just something white and processed to soak up all the alcohol. Buy her the Jordan of breads.  

JUELIA

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Gosh dang. We’re introduced to Juelia as she’s telling a story about her daughter’s baby daddy who ended up killing himself shortly after the baby was born. Not surprisingly Juelia is still broken up about the event. We’ve gotta hope for good things for Juelia. That’s just sad stuff. In happy news, she waxes lady bits for a living and one of her new roommates is walking around with a mink coat between her butt cheeks. Juelia should get to that before some animal rights activist throws red paint on Jillian’s backside in protest.

KAITLYN

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Something about Kaitlyn has rubbed me the wrong way since she got out of the limo. It wasn’t the unfunny, super-forced jokey stuff. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until last night. She’s got a real Miley Cyrus thing going on. That kind of pouty lip, dumb-voice thing. The open-mouthed breathing. The forced party girl vibe. The awareness of where the cameras are at all time. And the general suckiness. It was no surprise that Kaitlyn wasn’t graceful when the yoga instructor was invited back. Because Kaitlyn is in a three-way tie with Jillian, and Jersey I… sorry, Ashley I as THE WORST.

KELSEY

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And then there’s Kelsey. Nice. Normal. Sweet. I mean, she’s a guidance counselor. The only thing we saw from Kelsey was her being happy’ish for the yoga instructor to get another chance at love, and being confused by Ashley S.’s insanity. But that’s ok. This wasn’t a week for the normal ladies. We’re still investigating the strange. Kelsey will shine in the weeks to come. I know it’s early but if Chris doesn’t pick Kelsey his life will be ruined and farming as we know it will never be the same.

KIMBERLY

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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That was no way to represent the Seattle area! Mackenzie was drunk/nervous/spazzy from the word go. First she gave us a super awkward first date, calling Chris a big-nosed freak and talking about aliens. Mackenzie thinks she’s been contacted by an alien. Then she went crazy over Jersey I being a virgin, saying that guys love to take girl’s virginity. That’s the kind of thing you hear sophomores in high school say before social studies. Mackenzie is young. She’s 21. But she acts like a 15 year old. It’s incredible to watch. Telling the other woman about the number of times Chris kissed you? We need more Mackenzie. I want more teen angst. I need her to tell me how the Twilight series ended. And began. And what happened in the middle.

MEGAN

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I had no idea who she was when she got the first date card. She didn’t understand the concept of date cards. That’s not a good sign. But things got underway and clicked in a hurry. First of all, they took a plane to a helicopter. Then took the helicopter to the Grand Canyon. I mean, that’s elaborate! For somebody who seemed so dumb, Megan turned on the smarts pretty quickly. She was eloquent and charming. Then we got the story of her dad dying like just a week before she flew to LA to be on the show. I’m rooting for Megan. That’s sad stuff and she could use something good in her life. Plus, she’s from a small town and would look good on a farm. Go Megan!

NIKI

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No clue who Niki is. She’s one of many dark-haired ladies who don’t seem to be crazy. They could’ve snuck her into the cast after the first night and nobody would even notice. Like, she could’ve been hiding in the ravine behind the mansion and just climbed up onto the set wearing a cocktail dress. I’m sure we’ll see more of her in the coming weeks. I just hope she packed clothes and a toothbrush.

SAMANTHA

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SEE NIKI.

TANDRA

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY

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Another slow week for my number 1 dark horse. I didn’t know her name until halfway through last night’s episode. But she got a rose, she’s got the best headshot of the bunch and she seems normal. The only knock on Tracy is that her face was a totally different color than her neck. Like she was wearing orange foundation or maybe she sunbathed in a turtleneck sweater. That’s probably it. The turtleneck thing. Don’t let me down, Tracy! I’m the only one who even knows you’re alive.

TRINA

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Who let Trina’s mom on set?? Trina didn’t say a single word last night and yet somehow, she aged 20 years. I guess Chris likes olds because Trina got a rose. My guess is we’ll be annoyed by her a ton next week. Prove me wrong, Trina. Prove me wrong.

WHITNEY

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Whitney had a real up and down week in that the pitch of her voice was up…like, all the way up while her screen time was down. She handled not getting a date with class and grace. There’s something about Whitney. I really see them working together. Don’t sleep on Whitney. I think she’ll go far.

 

And oh my gosh that took forever. Hopefully next week we can go without Chris wearing a sweatshirt with no tee shirt underneath. It’s a cardinal sin, guys. Never wear a sweatshirt or a sweater without something underneath. Also, if you’re going to shave your chest, either keep it long’ish or go all the way. No five o’clock shadows. No stragglers. Chris’s chest looks like a really old lady’s chin.

Week 1 -Make the girls stop coming!

Hello, and welcome again to the continuation of one straight guy’s journey to understand all that makes up the modern woman–strange cocktail dresses, fake eyelashes, and a diet of chardonnay, red bull, and that gel that gets all over your mouth after using teeth-whitening strips.

For the next few months, we will be on another quest to find forever love. This time, with a self-deprecating farmer who also probably just learned how to ride a motorcycle, because that’s not at all the most cliché thing producers could do to sell us on Chris having a bad boy side.

Because last night was a three hour celebration, and because I’m sick, I’ll be providing this recap using bullets. Pictures will come next week. It’s just too much right now for one man to bare. Oh, and remember that I am an idiot and will probably say something that offends you. If I make fun of the family of ladies in last night’s studio audience who had John-and-Kate-plus-8 haircuts, and your aunt also has that haircut, I am sorry. If your sister has crazy eyes, I am sorry. I love all of you. You are all wonderful. And I’m sorry. Also, please feel free to forward to everyone you know.

Ok, let’s get deeper. Let’s get intimate.

  • An hour long red carpet show are you kidding me? The same people who made fools of themselves on TV are now back to try and sell us on their celebrity?  can’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Fast forward.
  • Gratuitous outdoor shower scene of our bachelor? Check. Does Chris get to keep the shower? Or do producers tear it down immediately after filming?
  • The girls start arriving and first out of the limo is Britt. She’s overly emotional in that way that suggests she’s banking on meeting her husband in that moment. It’s a little awkward until Chris is overcome by the same feelings. This could get interesting…
  • Kelsey is the widower from Austin. How can you not root for her? She has so many things going for her, like an appropriately-pitched voice and,…actually I’m just gonna stop right there. With this crop of women, that’s all she should need to win. But we’ll see.
  • On the other end of the spectrum is a woman with crazy eyes who doesn’t like to work or cook or clean so she lives with her mom.
  • If there’s one thing I know guys like it’s a giant, mannish weightlifter lady who admits to being overly-competitive and flexes her biceps to convey any and all emotions. She is the worst. I’ll bet she eats a lot of garlic before workouts. The thought of her talking too closely and too loudly makes me want to run into the ocean. You know when you walk into a house immediately after somebody has showered and the place smells like soap and shampoo? She is the exact opposite of that.
  • The girl got out of the limo in shorts and a flannel. Right then it was the best limo gimmick of all time. THEN, she changed, snuck back into the limo and came out again! It was genius! At that point she was one bad back tattoo away from being perfect. But she started drinking whisky in that way that girls sometimes overdue something they think guys like. That lead to one of the most intense rose ceremony performances of the ages. Was she going to fall over? Would she barf on the woman in front of her? I really thought Tara would be the first woman to poop her pants on reality TV. We almost witnessed history. The fall of the Berlin Wall. OJ Simpson in a white bronco. Tara pooping her pants. So close to something truly special.
  • The lucky penny girl got out of the limo and acted like a blind person who was seeing for the first time. Like Val Kilmer in that one movie. Val Kilmer, am I right? The Saint? McGruber? He had it all. But back to the lucky penny girl. She is spectacular. The whole onion thing was on another level. Her bucket list story about sunflower fields and horses. The way she stood 5 feet away from everybody else but was always the only person to comment on stuff. Where does a person like this come from? How does she get a job, get dressed in the morning, not burn herself on a hot stove or drown in the shower? She might be my favorite lady in the franchise’s history. She really is like an onion.
  • Kaitlyn sucks. She was the gal who told Chris that he could plow the eff out of her. Then inside, she said “Hey, how about I tell a joke because when I tell jokes people laugh.” Then she kept telling unfunny, dirty jokes. She really, really wants us to think she’s funny. Like, something bad happened to her in life. She’s the kind of gal that keeps telling people, “this is who I am. Love me or hate me.” and we’re all like, “yeah we hate you. Please just go away and stop telling us that. We’ve chosen. You suck. Don’t teach us how to breakdance. Don’t tell us jokes and then tell us to laugh. Just. Stop. You smell like when a kid eats a Slim Jim and then burps.”
  • [30 minutes discussed about how there are only 15 women]
  • Oh my gosh did Britt and Chris almost kiss? That would’ve been nuts! Wow!
  • Trina is this year’s most likely to: refer to minorities as “those people”. I’m not saying she’s probably a racist. I’m just saying she probably thinks black people are less than. And also asians, latinos, women, liberals, and dogs that don’t fit in purses.
  • There’s a lady named “Tandra”. That is stupid.
  • Brittany is a giant wrestler with pink eye in a tiny white dress with a cardboard sign that has a hashtag on it. She makes the name “Tandra” sound like a good idea.
  • Windsor got a rose. She was either drunk or having a stroke. Either way I think we need to call a hospital.
  • I don’t understand Jade’s dress. It’s see through. Isn’t this a family show? Oh, it’s not? Oh, then yeah. I get it. B00bs.
  • The flight attendant looks like she has bitter beer face from those Keystone Light commercials from the ‘90s. And not in a good way.
  • OH MY GOSH CHRIS AND BRITT JUST KISSED AND THEY’RE TALKING LIKE IT’S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AND THIS THING COULD BE OVER BEFORE IT STARTS!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Kara the high school girl’s soccer coach looks a little like Judith Light from Who’s the Boss. Judith Light now, in 2015.
  • Becca is a 4th grade teacher who didn’t get a ton of screen time tonight but I’m calling her my official dark horse. She came with a sweet letter from a fake student. She seems totally normal and likable. Definitely one to watch.
  • Finally, the sad yoga teacher didn’t get a rose but decided to go back into the party?????  What happened? I guess they ran out of broadcast time to let us know. 3 hours just was not enough.
  • My, It’s-way-too-early-to-guess final four is: Britt, Whitney the high-voiced fertility doctor, Becca the teacher, and Tara the Onion. Because she’s an onion and “when you have an onion you stab it and peel it em kay?” OK fine, we don’t like in a dream world where something that great could happen. I’ll go with that random gal in the shimmery dress that got almost no time but really impressed in the looks department.

Next week things get real. And we only have to watch for two hours.