It’s hometowns everybody and we’re jumping right in! No particular order. Let’s do it!

How far is too far? That’s both; the subject of every christian middle school’s least anticipated assembly of the year, and a question I asked last night while watching Dean’s father gonging his family, at least one cameraman, and a producer.

Say what you want about Dean’s dad but he is dominating the open-concept floor plan trend. Not hard when you live in a one room shed with no tables or chairs.

Mung beans. The magic in Dean’s dad’s stew and also the thing that gives Creed Bratton his old-man smell.

If you have a tough time eating questionable home-cooking (I’m talking to the man in mirror) you’re probably making the same excuses Dean did. “Looks great Pops. I wish I hadn’t eaten just before we got here.” You know he was counting the minutes until he could get back to his hotel room, order a pizza, and then eat it in bed while watching Dateline because he can’t figure out the TV remote and it’s easier to just stay on one channel, like when you’re lost in a forrest and you hug a tree. And how fun is it that the only meal we have ever seen anybody actually eat on this show in the past 16 years is Dean’s dad’s mung bean stew?

When you’re the hero of a reality empire it gives you an inflated sense of power. I should know. Remember, I spent two and a half segments on a dating show that aired on a network that doesn’t exist anymore.

Rachel feels like she can solve all of Dean’s family issues, but Dean’s dad aint having it. And rightfully so! The poor man broke down in tears when talking about his dead wife. This is super legit stuff that he doesn’t want to work through it on a dating show. His crazy man’s beard tells me the last TV experience he had was probably texting in a vote for Kelly Clarkson. Rest easy, Dean’s dad. Your votes were not in vain.

Eric’s family is fun. I feel like spending an afternoon with them would be like living the song “Summertime”. Send his Aunt Verna to Washington and watch how long it takes her to get Jeff Sessions and Bernie Sanders to do the Macarena together.

It was surprising to hear that Eric is a super smart straight A student. And I’m ok with saying that even though it sounds racist. We just didn’t get that edit. When Eric got his rose at the end of the night my wife yelled and got goosebumps. Our little boy was startled but it’s important to teach him about excitement and pure joy.

Thank the heavens for Peter’s mom who keeps the Kate Gosslin haircut streak going. Party in the back. Different party in the front.

Thank the producers for getting both of Madison Wisconsin’s black people to say they are Peter’s close friends. Still, we did go to a farmer’s market. It is Madison Wisconsin after all.

Bryan’s dad looks like he escaped from a wax museum. Maybe that’s just what the humidity does to people in south Florida. The only time I’ve been there my cell phone screen got wet from standing outside on a clear day.

Bryan’s mom has never gotten the wrong food at a restaurant and not sent it back. I could see her signing Bryan up for pageants as a kid and then sabotaging the little girls he competed against.

We’ll take a quick look at our guys before saying goodbye. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red. And if you’re still around you’re in regular. 

Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was it in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a tee shirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

Back to the breadline. 

Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone. 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance in his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

Bryan’s mom doesn’t like his haircut and Bryan’s gonna hear about it. That’s really all we learned in Miami. He loves Rachel and now she knows. Bryan will either win this thing or he’ll be embarrassed when he isn’t chosen as the next bachelor. I don’t think I’m alone in being pretty asi asi on him.

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

Oh Dean. He’s forced to have the pain and disfunction of his entire life played out on national TV and the poor guy can’t even sit down in a chair. While horizontal in his father’s living room pillow fort, Dean tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. She says, “I’m falling in love with you too.” Then she dumps him. Dean and his father may not have much to say to each other but both have been taken advantage of by this show. The difference is that Dean can take his solid hairline and really white teeth back out to the dating world and do great things. Some wonderful woman is going to fall in love with him and he’ll go on to have a great life. It’s gonna be like a ray lamontagne song. “I’ve been saaaaaaved by a womaaaaaaan.” Ironic that Ray looks like a young Dean’s Dad. 

Guy just can’t catch a break. Goodbye, Dean. 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

So positive. You’ve gotta be rooting for Eric. None of us saw this coming but if it works out than anything is possible. If there’s any room left on the bandwagon I want a seat. Make it an aisle please, I need the legroom.

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken. 

Fathers gonna fath. 

I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible. 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy. 

Peter is questioning the legitimacy of proposing to a woman he’s only known for 8 weeks. Oh, and she’s also been dating 20 other dudes at the same time. Now, this makes Peter no fun but it can’t make him crazy. There’s something about the way he walks through a farmer’s market that tells me he’s a man who’s ready to turn his 15 mins of fame into 5 years of dating Instagram models. I think he keeps his distance and prays Rachel doesn’t keep him around. If she does keep him around it could be high drama come proposal time.

I’ve updated my chart. See below.

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And then there were three. Next week looks like a blood bath at Rachel’s family home. Will anybody make it out alive? Will we finally get to see Rachel’s dad? How will producers make us feel bad for watching this show? Until we find out, foreverlove each other. Foreverlove yourselves.

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Home is where the heart is. Apparently, home is also where the red/purple drapes and matching throw pillows are. The stagers are going crazy this year. I feel like they’re painting walls. Somebody on the production team is angling to be the next ex-Mrs. El Moussa.

It was fun taking a tour of this great country: from almost the top of a grain silo, to a predominantly black church, to a mall. We even hopped the border to see how French Canadians with special needs go to school. There was heart. There were tears. And gosh dang there was a lot of, “wait she’s pretty good looking but nobody else in her family is on the same level.” Said another, more positive way, Vanessa got all the genes.

Something was different this year. The dads didn’t shy away from the tough questions. “Are you asking other dads for their blessings?” and, “what does Nick do for a job?” and, “where are you two going to live after this is all over?” It was kind of wonderful when no good answers came.

Just once I want to hear:

Woman:  Mom, chill. We’re both going to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram, gooooosh.

Mom:       Can I get Instant Gram on my Myspace Page?

What else. We learned that Corrine’s family is super Greek. Considering Vanessa’s family is the most Italian thing Canada has going, we haven’t seen this kind of competition between Greeks and Romans since Brad Pitt was yelling for Eric Bana. HECTOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!There’s nothing quite like Troy.

Finally, Andi Dorfman gets an unofficial acting audition for what I’m assuming is some soap opera work. The line this show walks between real and really bad is razor thin and anytime somebody starts mugging for the camera is more awkward than all the terrible kisses or private concerts. We’d all be better if Andi would just go back to being a fake lawyer.

Let’s see how our woman did on their home turf. Nobody went home but it’s still important to remember the color key—ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

I’m confused. I’m Corinnefused. That wasn’t good. Corinne takes Nick to the mall because that is how she spends her life, buying terrible necklaces and pants that show off her muffin top. BTW, nothing wrong with a muffin top. Ask Elaine Bennis. So yeah, it’s easy to laugh at Corinne for having no substance. And yes, you can continue to laugh at her parents’ condo with the strange porcelain dolls in the entry way display case. But Corinne’s dad grew on me in ways I wasn’t ready to be grown on. And I’m a guy that hates male jewelry! His greek dad chain was out in full force. The guy is so jovial. So likable. He confronts Nick about being a kept man but then quickly pivots like there’s nothing wrong with that. I can see how he’s some kind of businessman. So curious what he does but I’m too afraid to google it because I don’t want spoilers. My guesses are: Port-o-Pottys, Timeshares, or car dealerships. I still don’t like Corinne but I would enjoy playing golf with her dad every now and again.

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Finally, the hammer falls. 

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

That was the most rational, normal, pleasant hometown date of all time. Rachel’s family is lovely and fun. They even brought another white guy to the party to make Nick comfortable. Not only that but the dude looks like Nick if he was stung by a lot of bees, or if he broke his leg and spent 6 months watching gameshows and eating Hostess treats for breakfast. Sidenote: College was the best. We’re all sad that we didn’t get to meet Rachel’s dad but something tells me we’ll see more of her and her family soon…

If you’ve ever wondered what charming looks like in a backwater mud field, Raven is the woman for you. After that bathtub scene in Gummo I never thought I’d be able to look at dirty water again. (Don’t google it)  So far, there isn’t a scenario Raven hasn’t been able to pull off. That’s an interesting and wonderful thing to have with a life partner. Raven’s dad is cancer free? How could you not fall for this girl? Oh wait, I know it’s because you like to spend your days trying on skinny jeans and deep v sweaters in florida. If she doesn’t win, Raven deserves a spin off show. She couldn’t tell Nick she loves him and that could be the best thing for her life. If you’re a 28 year old construction worker or diner owner, you should go to Hoxie and try to win this woman over.

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Gangsta. 

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Yikes. Everything about that date was heavy. The weather, the amount of people in her grandparent’s house. The crying sister. Her brother who is both the sweetest little guy in the world and a spitting image of Seth Green in the 90’s.

It sounds like Vanessa was hurt pretty bad following her last break up that, unless I heard wrong, was like three years ago. Seems like her family is still processing it. If Nick isn’t at the dinner table in Montreal every Sunday than he can’t win with Vanessa’s family. It feels like Vanessa is breaking under the pressure too. Could she leave on her own? Will she even last until the rose ceremony? So many questions.

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Oh crap.

Next week we start off with some Dorfman. It’s good to have 6 days to prepare for the lameness. On the plus side, Nick finally got a balcony to fake-drink coffee on while he looks out at the distance. Hopefully that will help lead him to a decision in the coming weeks. For now, hold the ones you love and I’m sorry if you googled “Gummo bathtub” even though I told you not to.

Foreverlove,

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Lights. Camera. Fart noise. It’s the Men Tell All!!!!!!

It’s also the Men Think It’s a Good Idea to Crash a Girl’s Trip to LA and Get Tix to The Most Female Show in History.

Since this is kind of a non-show and there might be more people on the stage than reading this blog right now, I’ll paint with a broad brush. Focus on the high(low) points.

Leave it to a show steeped in thousands of candles and roses subtlety, to gently hint at Chad being a villain by putting him in a black suit with black dress shirt and,…dyed-black beard?

Chad is dating Robby and Grant’s ex-girlfriends? Who looks worse in this situation? All of us do.

Saint Nick wins this year’s award for, back row guy who talks way more than he should based on how long he was on the show. He uses an empty threat to call out Chad’s empty threats.

Derrick’s pocket square doesn’t match his shirt. Somebody needs to punch somebody, please. This guy wants bloodshed.

Evan is a pusher. The audience confirms.

Vinny the barber has ditched the worst hairline in history for what should be the death blow the high side-part. We’ve seen it happen before, when something cool dies because one too many people, or the wrong person picks it up.

The campaign for Luke as the next bachelor begins. Looking back at the breakup footage, he’s doing his best Chris Isaac. What a wicked game indeed.

Gosh, that video. Was there anything more titillating in 1991?

1992: Basic Instinct

1993: When David pulled the towel off of Tami.

1994: Johnathan Taylor Thomas in a flannel

1995: Randy Johnson’s sweaty mullet

1996: Kerri Strug limping

1997: Kerri Strug’s cameo on Beverly Hills 90210

1998: Felicity

1999: Y2K

2000: The popular vote

2001: Alan Rickman saying, “Mr. Potter”

2002: The Eye of Sauron

2003: That one documentary on Michael Jackson with the super creepy, life-size dolls

2004: A flip phone

2005: Tom Cruise jumping on a couch

2006: Gay Lance Bass

2007: Leave Brittany alone!!!!

2008: Sarah Palin’s glasses

2009: Paul Blart Mall Cop

2010: BP oil spill in the gulf of mexico. Anything oily is titillating.

2011: Kate Middleton’s lacey sleeves

2012: McKayla Maroney is not impressed

2013: Blurred Lines – Paula Patton was not impressed

2014: John Travolta’s pronunciation of Idina Menzel

2015: Rachel Dolezal’s ethnicity

Man, that was hard.

Back to the show:

One by one the guys thanked JoJo for being amazing. These guys have all the edge of a volleyball.

Chris Harrison gauged the applause for Chase to see if he’d make a good back up bachelor.

Vinny’s mom piped up because that seemed like a good idea.

Bloopers and we’re out!

Everything comes to a head next Monday night. Don’t miss the chance to see how JoJo’s dad’s head does in the sun of Thailand.

I know someone who will for sure be watching.

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Gosh dang that was bad. Does it get worse than watching a guy pouring his heart out and trying really hard while knowing he’s about to get dumped? Yes it does. Put him in a comically bad outfit, make him lay down on a horse, and then dump him. I feel like JoJo was 5 more miles in the SUV away from giving up and asking Alex to help her discuss whether to chose Jordan or Luke. The kissing with the chips in his mouth thing. It was just…Alex is every guy who’s ever liked a girl who’s liked somebody else. Put this guy on Bachelors in Paradise and I could see him falling hard for one of the twins from Ben Higgins’s season. Good luck in love, sweet Alex.

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 

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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 

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Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 

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Chase has a fun side? He refers to JoJo as “unstoppable” then starts talking in lists: Saltwater, fisherman, monkeys, fish. JoJo gives the “you’ve been so great” which is code for, “thanks for being a safe distraction on my journey to foreverlove with someone who is not you. I’ve really enjoyed our time. Have a rad summer-JoJo”.

Somehow Chase survives a dinner date with ominous tones but we all know the axe is about to drop. JoJo does what JoJo does and leaves to get some air. Was JoJo the girl in middle school that was always crying by her locker, forcing everybody to worry about her? I feel like she ruined a lot of 13 year old dudes.

But that’s beside the point. Chase is shattered. He uses his math skills and aks JoJo if love = get the eff-word out. Crack a brew and hop in a minivan.

It’s over, Chase. Or is it? This break up just will not die. It’s begging for mercy, like Dutch interacting with the Predator: KILL ME NOW!!!

Only this isn’t a trick. We really want this thing to just end. JoJo cries and we’re back on track. Bye Chase. See you tonight at the Men Tell All.

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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.

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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.

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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 

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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 

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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.

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James T niced his way to the top 6 but that’s as far as this thing was ever gonna go. It was just his time. He pulled the desperation card and dragged others under the bus but it wasn’t enough. James was gracious in his exit and I’ve gotta believe he’ll have a bunch of ladies back in Texas lining up to set him up with their friends. It’s a tough road but he’ll end up with a great gal. 

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JoJo’s got her choker and ripped yoga shorts on, must be time for a…yep. It’s a hike. No kissing in the temple. They should’ve had a sign that says, “No stupid conversations inside the temple.” Jordan expresses sadness because, something about staring at JoJo’s dad. He’s also unwilling to talk about the next 6 months but he wants to spend the rest of his life with JoJo.

Jordan starts talking and gets lost easily. You can almost see the happiness on his face when he finds a way to close a thought, like David Brent…

Or 4 year old who’s managed to tie his own shoe.

The next morning, Jordan does a few situps, they walk out, JoJo repeats her line she used on Robby, “This is our first breakfast”. Then, Jordan does his best bachelor impression by looking out over a railing and puts the exclamation point on this thing by wearing women’s capri pants to the rose ceremony.

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Who saw this coming??? Luke can’t not be the next Bachelor, and so we’ll push past our surprise and focus on that. He will be back.

Luke has a way of talking that reminds me of an early 90’s slow jam where the one dude in the group starts talking tenderly. Like each of Luke’s words never hit that last sound. The words Luke says are so precious that they fade into the air before he’s even done saying them.

And that’s Luke—severely bowlegged and precious. Fading into oblivion.

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Storms a-brewin! He’s started calling her, “Joelle”. It’s the kind of cheese you can only get from somebody who drinks out of a plastic wine glass in a plastic up.

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Robby shows up to dinner in a thick t-shirt and sport coat. Then, “Joelle” starts getting real. Robby’s face looks like a tomato at the grocery store right after it gets spritzed by the mister.

I feel like the producers have been keeping Robby around all season so they could laugh at his lisp when he says “fantasy suite”. JoJo tells us she loves Robby and that she’s ready to be intimate with him. She even real-cries! Could this guy actually win this thing????? This guy in the photo up there???? Think of how pissed off Chad would be if a guy like Robby won this show? JoJo sends him away with zero assurances but he’s still around because there has to be at least two dudes left at the end.

Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 

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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville. 

After two weeks in europe, I’m back. Fought through severe jet lag and watched the most recent episode on Hulu. I’ll do my best to quickly recap before we get another episode tonight!

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First though, I’d like to reassure my friends that unlike the last time I was in Europe in 2000, I have not returned wearing tight jeans and a scarf. And I don’t need to get all my pictures developed at Safeway and then organize them into a leather bound album.

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Now that that’s done. Let’s talk Bachelorette.

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We’re in Argentina which is not the place to feel any stress. It’s too hot. There’s already constant sweat. You can’t shower away the awkwardness of a looming first kiss. This brought back memories of doing all I could to avoid making out in high school because I was basically a middle part with zero game.

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You can’t compete with community college guys. They know everything. They drive cars with tinted windows and they have Kicker 10’s in the trunk.

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What else.

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We got to see what happens when a one on one date goes poorly. JoJo attends a show by herself and isn’t sure whether she’s supposed to have fun or look sad.

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We had another two on Juan (spanish language joke) where an overconfident guy went home after professing his feelings to JoJo. Side parts 1, funny ears 0.

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And the nice guy finishes last…but still gets a rose. .

Not a lot from Alex this week. He’s changed the part in his hair and it’s getting more aggressive. It’s like how when women get together they all start having their periods at the same time. All the guys on this season are getting the same, really tall side part. In Alex’s case that gives him a few extra inches which is great until JoJo sees him after swimming and his hair is flat. Does Alex wear lifts in his aqua sox?

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 

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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 

.

Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 

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Chase beats Derrik in the tango’iest 2 on 1 we’ve ever seen. After he “opens up” and “reveals his personality” it’s clear that JoJo is keeping him around because of his looks. I’m seeing Chase as a 3rd place contender and I’ll bet his family is super vanilla.

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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.

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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.

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.

Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 

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.

I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 

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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.

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James T is way too down on himself. He even pulled the desperation card of trying to take down the lead dog. It never works, James T. I thought you were a dark horse to be the next bachelor but your self-deprecation is just too much. There are only so many pity roses to go around and I feel like you’re not long for this game.

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The guy says he’s ready to start feeling like he could fall for JoJo and that’s enough for her to fall all over. The guy is a clear favorite and it’ll take something dramatic to change that. Could we see JoJo falling in love with both Jordan and Luke??? How appropriate would that be?

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It cracks me up to see JoJo and Luke have a conversation. He tries to tell JoJo how he feels but she’s always staring at his lips. She doesn’t hear a word of what he’s saying. In fact, if you blindfolded her, I don’t think she’d be able to pick his voice out of a 3 man lineup. You can tell by the way she kisses him, it’s like she wants every square millimeter of her mouth to be touching every millimeter of his. I think it’ll break her to say goodbye to him, and seeing him at the Men Tell All should spark the same feelings. I’d say Luke is a shoe in to become the next Bachelor.

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Robby’s hair is getting ridiculous. I mean, even more than it already was. He’s gone from George Michael to full-shriner.

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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 

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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville. 

I am away from the show, doing European things. 

But that doesn’t mean I’m not writing about the bachelorette. While away I thought I’d take this as an opportunity to answer some reader’s emails. I hope that tides us over. Never underestimate why our American forefathers risked so much. They risked it for Hulu access. 
Here we go. 

Joe G. from Seattle:

What is the tune that Chad whistles on repeat.

Hi, Joe from Seattle. The tune that Chad whistles on repeat is a coping mechanism for having a tiny wiener. Thanks for asking. 🙂

Susan H. from Edmonds:

Are you jealous of Jordan’s haircut? 

No, Susan. I haven’t used a blow dryer since the ’90s. I’d have no idea how technology has changed the game since then. Also Jordan’s hair looks like a very tall toupee or that he could be controlled by a tiny rat who hides in there and also makes delicious meals. 

Marly A. from Tacoma:

As a reality dater yourself, is foreverlove possible? 

Marly, I was on a dating show (true story. It was called Holidate) and I lost to a guy wearing an Ed hardy t-shirt so I guess I’d say, yes foreverlove is possible if your clothes have bedazzled wings. 

Steve D. From West Seattle:

What happens to the food after the contestants don’t eat it? 

They Five-loaves-and-two-fish that food for all the folks who show up to watch 2 people awkwardly dance at semi private concerts. 

Linda S. From Houston:

Why is the Mansion driveway always wet only it never rains in LA? 

Well Linda I believe God cries where he knows the greatest of the world’s injustices occur. So, not technically rain.

Barack O. From Washington D.C.:

I’ve been to Pennsylvania and it’s not that romantic. 

Well, that’s not really a question Barack but I’ll address it. I think they had to spend more on JoJo’s dresses this year because they seem really bejeweled. You’d think that because they’re revealing around the upper torso area that they’d be cheaper. Less fabric. But you’d be wrong. More cash on dresses means less in the budget for exotic destinations. So, Pittsburgh. 

DDS Jeremy J. From Pawnee:

How come no Asian chicks on this thing? 

Hello Jeremy. Thanks for being ethnically aware. There are no Asian chicks because there is only one woman. Her name is JoJo. I think she’s some kind of Eastern European. It was hard to tell if her mom had an accent or just drank too much wine during last season’s hometowns.

Erin S. From Bellevue:

You recently took some very long flights. Which one of the guys would you least like to sit next to on a plane

Great question, Erin. I feel like sitting next to Luke would be annoying. He seems like the kind of person who would wear headphones and kind of act out the songs he’s hearing with his eyes closed like they are really moving him emotionally. Lot of hand movements and in a plane, space is at a premium. Also, he seems like a bigtime farter. 

And that’s all the time I have this week. I look forward to watching the show soon. We should be at the all important, “I don’t want to do thiiiiis :-(” point pretty soon. 

Don’t for(everlove)get me while I’m gone. 
-g