Week 11 – You took things from me

WE DID IIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!

Pat yourself on the back for sticking to the promise of forever love. Sure things got rough. There were poop jokes. People had pre-marital with other people. A guy almost flung himself off the cliffs of Ireland. But we stayed firm and stuck it out until the end.

And what an end it was!

Spoiler news had it that Nick was the champion and the episode completely shaped up to deliver on that. I mean, his f-wording FAMILY was in the studio audience! Why? How? Nick and the face of cyber-bully-suffering were hot and heavy all while Shawn B got no music over his awkward sitting in a vineyard and yet it was he who took home the crown. Will it fit on his high hair? Only time will tell and by time we’re probably talking what, 3 months? Will college freshman have gained any weight by the time these two break up? Will Shawn and Kaitlyn be attending the same Halloween party?

What else?

  • Kaitlyn’s family. They’re just so Canadian!
    • Her sister straight up rocking a killer John-and-Kate-Plus-8 haircut.
    • Her step dad with the bright colored button ups with even brighter accent under-sleaves.
    • Her dad with his open-mouth listening style. No words but always on the verge of a thought.
  • Nick’s speech impediment.
    • I just don’t get it. His jaw is huge and he’s lisping and there’s so much spittle.
    • Who gets invisalign while on TV?
    • Or did he get his wisdom teeth out.
    • And then put back in
    • And then taken out again?
  • Shawn wore a shirt that showed his nipples.
  • The rejection! She waited until Nick was about to get down on a knee. How cold and awesome was that? My living room was loud and tense. I’m sure yours was as well.
  • The setting. Are they pouring all of the budget into Bachelors in Paradise? Does it have anything to do with the water rationing in California? Our tropical destination was a marina in Los Angeles! That was probably Chris Harrison’s boat. I doubt they even untied it from the dock.

Let’s take one last look at how Ugly Gossling and The Other Guy did, and then let’s say goodbye. 😦

 

THE OTHER GUY

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People seem to think Nick handled himself well at the moment of rejection and during the After the Rose show. By people I mean my wife. His hair was even more uncomfortable to look at in LA. And I just don’t enjoy his jaw. But Nick will be fine maybe. He did throw his cheesy friendship ring on the limo floor. That alone won him a few points. We’ll miss Nick’s collection of TinyCoats and the way he says adorable things with his hand covering his mouth. This guy needs to go on a walkabout with Ron Swanson. Maybe strip a few layers of flimsy b1tch off himself and come back less punchable. Nick came. He wore a sombrero and looked like someone who tells male models about child labor laws. He had all the intensity of a man trying to free a Carpathian from a painting and for that we’ll never forget him…for a while.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

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Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

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The big bachelor fans saw this coming from week one. Despite a small bald spot that’s unreasonably low on the back of Ben’s head, this guy has got to be the bachelor. Emily Chen thinks he’s cute, and Emily Chen’s sister is a TV news anchor! Ben couldn’t even cry in the van after being dumped. Either he’s made of stone or he wasn’t really buying what Kaitlyn was selling. America is gonna fall in love with this guy…then slowly start to hate him. Then think he’s super boring and fake. We shouldn’t cry over Ben. He’s gonna be famous, make a killing on being the next Bach, and talk women to death in next season’s fantasy suites. We should really feel sorry for software. It’s going to miss a salesmen for the foreseeable future. See you soon, Ben H. And in the meantime, enjoy your classes at TV charm school. 

BEN Z. 

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What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

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After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Ugggh. America will take your jacket, Jared!!!!!! America will take it. What a guy. If he didn’t have moderate facial alopecia and an inexplicable haircut, and eyes that take 4 seconds to blink, this guy would be the greatest bachelor in history. He’s fun. He’s funny. He’s super nice and gracious. Probably all of this stuff is true. Maybe it’s just that in comparison to Shawn friggin B and Nick, Jared looks like the best thing ever. My buddy Evan said that Jared isn’t even an ugly crier. And Evan is a carpenter!(?) But what happens now? Doesn’t Jared seem like the kind of guy every woman in america would try to set up with her friend? You know what that means? It means nobody actually wants him. He’s a human hot potato. And as we discovered last week, he kind of looks like Nev from MTV’s Catfish. He’ll get huge cheers at the Men Tell All but will that be enough? Maybe it’s a thing where a blind woman falls in love with him. But a blind woman that can’t feel his weirdbeard. So like a blind woman with no hands. But like a really kind heart. There. I think we did it. I feel better. 

Nev Schulman

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At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag. 

JJ THE TURD

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JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

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uggh. That was awkward. And Joe, who’s already super sleepy-country did not react all that well to the news. Turns out heartbreak turns Joe into SlingBlade Guy. Joe has stroke eyes and a super high forehead. But somehow he manages to have some decent charisma. He’ll be fine. He’ll be missed. He’ll probably have a hairstyle that’s less like the climax of a mountain climbing movie the next time we see him. 

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

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UGLY GOSSLING IS THE WINNER! And what did he win? A future filled with strange cut-out dresses and bad jewelry. It also appears that he may’ve won a free nose job. An insider (my buddy Lou) has provided side-by-side pictures of mid-show Shawn and after-the-rose Shawn. Most of the bulbous from his schnoz seems to have been shaved. What he lost in cartilage he also lost in man-card after we learned that not only did he send his buddies a picture of him watching the Bachelor, but drew a heart around that picture and put a little caption on it. And yes, I realize that I’m a man and I’m writing about the Bachelorette. It’s different. How? It just is. So what’s next for Shawn? He wants to go to DunkinDonuts. No doubt he’ll be blowing idioms in a deep, monotone voice with his chest puffed out. From first impression to the last man standing. Shawn came, he uglied, he prevailed. And that’s really it. Hats off. Hair up.

TANNER

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The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

I hope you all have wonderful summers. We’ll see you in the fall, or whenever Ben H. starts filming his run for love.

 

I love you,

GRAEME H

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Week 10 – Men Tell All

You know when you’re late for a meeting and you run into an elevator and then just as the doors are closing the guy who cooks salmon in the office microwave sticks his fleshy arm between the closing doors and slowly sluffs into your personal space then pushes a button for the floor beneath you then breathes really loudly even though he isn’t doing anything more strenuous than just standing there holding his salmon and time slows so much that you can literally feel the long echo of every second ticking by in your heart?

This season is your rush to the meeting. The Men Tell All is the slovenly salmon cooker.

Gosh dang that was just a painful night of self-importance. At times, the only thing keeping me afloat was the lone guy in the audience. Why was he there? Who was he with? How can I be him?

At one point, Chris Harrison basically claimed that the Bachelor and Bachelorette programs are a means to shape society in important ways. Should Bachelors In Paradise run on NPR early Sunday mornings on stereos in living rooms of professors and librarians?

We learned that cyberbullying is bad. Finally, somebody said it! Thank you, The Bachelorette.

I’m going to do a special edition Lightening Round before this happens.

JK, it wasn’t that bad.

Here we go!

 

NICK

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He was a no-show, obviously, and still the guys talked about him too much. What power! He’s like a child worker in some other country or a strange man trying to bring a carpathian painting to life…right?

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

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Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

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The ladies love Ben H. But all the old-lady-lust in the world can’t buy him a sport coat that fits.

BEN Z. 

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Still no tears. I can make it happen. Give me Ben Z in a room with nothing but a TV and the last 6 minutes of Braveheart.

 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Didn’t hear much from Chris. But his “I’m gay and doing a bad job of hiding it from myself” smile was loud enough.

CLINT

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New Clint beard. Same Clint everything else.

COREY

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The winner for the irrelevant guy in the back row who talks too much goes to…

SAD TROMBONE

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THE BETTER COREY 

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Sat in the back doing Corey things. Good for you, the better Corey. I hope you enjoyed the backstage buffet.

COLOR ME DANIEL

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Where was he?????? You can’t tell me he was busy. Does that look like a face that has places to be?

COLOR ME BADD

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Sadly, also a no-show (since 1994).

IAN

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Watching Ian do anything makes my entire body react like a baby eating a lemon. (Cute alert)

JARED

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It’s amazing what a lot of makeup, a little lipstick, and most importantly no more patchy beard can do for a guy. It’s nice to have Jared out of Swedish Bachelor Party Beard territory. (Gross alert)

Nev Schulman

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Hey Nev I’m a hot girl who likes you just kidding you just got Catfished it was me the whole time.

JJ THE TURD

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I feel like JJ picked up a severe Canadian accent. Why? There is no why. There is only JJ.

JOE

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The angle of Joe’s hair is slowly coming back to earth.

JONATHAN

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Jonathan raised accusations that were filled with holes. He had months to come up with something to say and he didn’t see the obvious flaws in his logic. I feel like that’s totally Jonathan.

JOSHUA

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Refreshingly quiet. His Man’s intuition treated him well there but it looks like he shops for suits with Ben H. Somebody get this guy a GQ magazine.

JUSTIN

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Still looks nothing like Matt Damon.

KUPAH

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He b1tched about Nick coming on the show despite voting for Britt AND going home weeks before Nick showed up. And yet wearing a tie as a scarf was still dumber than anything he complained about.

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Another no-show. We can only assume that he’s locked in a spot on the cast of Million Dollar Listing Wherever He’s From.

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

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We got no Shawn. And we were grateful for it.

TANNER

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Tanner gets the all new “guy in the FRONT ROW who talks way too much despite nobody caring about him at all” award.

TONY

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Tony must’ve gone to the zoo or something because he was pretty calm.

 

WE ARE SO CLOSE!!!! We finally get to paradise. Yachts, private islands, sweaty linen, poor kids, shanty markets, spontaneous street dancing, local soothsayers predicting lots of secks, sweaty brows, jeep tours, helicopters, and man tears up the butt.

Have great Mondays, everybody. And remember, the Internet is no place for bullying. That’s what elementary school playgrounds are for.

Week 9 – This is nuts

How is it that Dads always know? And I’m not talking about you young dads out there. You don’t know anything yet. I’m talking about the guys who wear thread-bare pajama bottoms around the house. The guys who troll Met Market for the free samples, wear sparkling white New Balance sneakers with jeans, watch Perry Mason. Steve B, Shaun’s dad, is one of these men and person behind this week’s quote. “This is nuts.” Steve B. cut through all the man-cat fighting. All the Irish wool. All the face sweat. And yet, the show continued.

As we head into the final weeks we’re left with a classic Evil vs Evil battle. Ben H was too good for this game. He needs his own treasure trove of of 20-somethings which he should get later in the year.

Let’s talk about who’s left. And yes, we’ll get into Nick’s mom’s hair and his brothers taste in genitals.

We’re almost home, everybody!

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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Nick didn’t do all that much douchery this week. Probably because he wasn’t the focus. But we need to talk about a few things.

  1. What’s going on with his mouth? His jaw looks swollen. He’s talking like he has marbles in there and I swear he’s wearing some Invisaline on his bottom teeth.
  2. Back in the mid 80’s a bunch of track starsstarted getting adult braces because their jaws jutted out all strange-like. Turns out they were all doing steroids and big jaws are a byproduct.
  3. Did Nick start juicing in his time off between Ireland and hometowns? Is it because of Shaun B’s arms?  We need answers.
  4. It’s only a matter of time until Bachelorette contestants get tested for performance enhancing drugs. I look forward to the purity.

Back to Nick’s family. His youngest sister is still cute and she’s a big trooper. How did she go from tears to smiles so quickly? (editing)  His mom’s LadyTrump hair still makes no sense. It’s like she walked straight out of a wind tunnel. Where does it begin? Where does it end? Her hair is like the universe. Question: Does Nick have 3 gay brothers not that there’s anything wrong with that? I just think if the family walked into the Olive Garden, you’d notice them. And maybe that’s what makes Nick think it’s ok to have that hairstyle. You’ve gotta work really hard to stand out in that family. One way to do that is to wear a large hat and talk about child labor laws. Another, is to bring to life an evil Carpathian painting.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

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Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

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The big bachelor fans saw this coming from week one. Despite a small bald spot that’s unreasonably low on the back of Ben’s head, this guy has got to be the bachelor. Emily Chen thinks he’s cute, and Emily Chen’s sister is a TV news anchor! Ben couldn’t even cry in the van after being dumped. Either he’s made of stone or he wasn’t really buying what Kaitlyn was selling. America is gonna fall in love with this guy…then slowly start to hate him. Then think he’s super boring and fake. We shouldn’t cry over Ben. He’s gonna be famous, make a killing on being the next Bach, and talk women to death in next season’s fantasy suites. We should really feel sorry for software. It’s going to miss a salesmen for the foreseeable future. See you soon, Ben H. And in the meantime, enjoy your classes at TV charm school. 

BEN Z. 

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What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

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After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Ugggh. America will take your jacket, Jared!!!!!! America will take it. What a guy. If he didn’t have moderate facial alopecia and an inexplicable haircut, and eyes that take 4 seconds to blink, this guy would be the greatest bachelor in history. He’s fun. He’s funny. He’s super nice and gracious. Probably all of this stuff is true. Maybe it’s just that in comparison to Shawn friggin B and Nick, Jared looks like the best thing ever. My buddy Evan said that Jared isn’t even an ugly crier. And Evan is a carpenter!(?) But what happens now? Doesn’t Jared seem like the kind of guy every woman in america would try to set up with her friend? You know what that means? It means nobody actually wants him. He’s a human hot potato. And as we discovered last week, he kind of looks like Nev from MTV’s Catfish. He’ll get huge cheers at the Men Tell All but will that be enough? Maybe it’s a thing where a blind woman falls in love with him. But a blind woman that can’t feel his weirdbeard. So like a blind woman with no hands. But like a really kind heart. There. I think we did it. I feel better. 

Nev Schulman

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At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag. 

JJ THE TURD

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JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

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uggh. That was awkward. And Joe, who’s already super sleepy-country did not react all that well to the news. Turns out heartbreak turns Joe into SlingBlade Guy. Joe has stroke eyes and a super high forehead. But somehow he manages to have some decent charisma. He’ll be fine. He’ll be missed. He’ll probably have a hairstyle that’s less like the climax of a mountain climbing movie the next time we see him. 

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

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What a giant tool. It is hard to be put into a room with Nick and come off as the bigger idiot. But that’s what Shaun does with every opportunity he’s given. Even his hair is dumber than Nick’s and Nick’s hair looks like he was left in a field, buried up to his neck, and a tornado is coming through. How much would this country save on energy if Nick and his mom just turned in their blowdryers? Thanks, Obama. Back to Shaun. He sucks. I mean, we could talk about how weak his short game is but I don’t want to bring golf into this. It’s disrespectful of the game. The guy is abs. If Kaitlyn was smart she would’ve picked Jared and hooked him on this. I can’t say anything else. We’ll see how it goes in a tropical environment. Maybe he’ll get eaten by a dolphin.

TANNER

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The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

It’s Men Tell All next week. How will the guys react to Kaitlyn losing her virginity to Nick just kidding she’s pretty fast and loose with her privates. Who will be the guy that talks too much from the back row? Will Corey’s face still be scary? Will the dentist cry? Have Clint and JJ mended things?

So many questions.

Week 8 – The Other Guy

How do we even begin to talk about what just happened? We lost two genuinely good guys and we’re left with friggin tool time. And no I’m not talking about this. Ireland continues to bring us heartache, windblown faces, and desperate sweater choices. How mad are these guys for doing crossfit and going paleo leading up to the show only to be stuck in Ireland for like a month? No six pack can be seen under something so cable knit. Also, I don’t know if real life eskimos who are brothers are bummed out or happy when they’re referenced on the show. It’s just one of the things that makes this thing so complex. Another is that all the guys are wearing the same boots. It’s like when a group of ladies hangs out for a while and their menstrual thing happens at the same time. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all read the books. I don’t understand Kaitlyn’s hair part. It’s really severe. Is she putting really powerful sunscreen down that thing? It’s super white. I would be staring at it all night if it weren’t for the terrible, sabertooth jewelry. Gosh, now I’m just getting catty. We need to move on and see how the men did before this turns into the great American novel.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

Oh, I almost forgot. Britt and Brady are the worst. That’s all I’ll say about those two. They’re funnier than Kristin Wigg and Jason Sudekis trying to be the worst couple in the world.

 

NICK

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Nick sucks. There’s just no way around it. And yet, he might not be the worst guy on this show. That is amazing. And it’s not just that he has an anti-princess-lea haircut with holes wear the rolls should be. It’s not that he tucks his skinny jeans into his boots. It’s not that he looks like the dude who was trying to get the painting of Vigo to come to life in Ghostbusters II. It’s that he talks about nothing but his feelings. And he does it in the most see-through, trying-to-be vulnerable, I’m-so-adorable way possible. You just want to punch this guy in the face. The only interesting thing he’s done since coming back is telling us that Shawn B was bragging about making love to a country singer. And that isn’t even about Nick! The most interesting thing Nick has done is about another dude! I can’t keep talking about him. Shawn has done enough of that. Somebody that looks like Nick wearing a sombrero needs to tell us all about child labors laws, fast.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

DR. JANOSZ POHA & VIGO

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Soon the city will be mine and Vigo’s…mainly Vigos.

BEN H. 

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Ben is not a virgin. America knows that now. He doesn’t want to punch his ticket to HumpTown which seems to bum out Kaitlyn. Is he religious? Is he worried about what his Grandma back home will think? Does he just really like talking? Or is it that he thinks Kaitlyn would be into talking instead of love-making? If that’s the case, Ben H. doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Kaitlyn is a fast lady. She likey to get downy. Another thing about Ben H. that’s been troubling me since the beginning. He hasn’t figured out how to buy a suit. He always looks like he’s going to a business meeting instead of doing something fashiony. This week we learned that it’s not just suits when he showed up wearing a merlot colored v-neck sweater that had to have come from the “Grandad” collection in the hotel gift shop. Ben H. just needs a woman with style to help him out. One way that could happen is if, I don’t know, he becomes the next bachelor. No way in H that doesn’t happen. No way in Ben H.

BEN Z. 

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What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

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After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Ugggh. America will take your jacket, Jared!!!!!! America will take it. What a guy. If he didn’t have moderate facial alopecia and an inexplicable haircut, and eyes that take 4 seconds to blink, this guy would be the greatest bachelor in history. He’s fun. He’s funny. He’s super nice and gracious. Probably all of this stuff is true. Maybe it’s just that in comparison to Shawn friggin B and Nick, Jared looks like the best thing ever. My buddy Evan said that Jared isn’t even an ugly crier. And Evan is a carpenter!(?) But what happens now? Doesn’t Jared seem like the kind of guy every woman in america would try to set up with her friend? You know what that means? It means nobody actually wants him. He’s a human hot potato. And as we discovered last week, he kind of looks like Nev from MTV’s Catfish. He’ll get huge cheers at the Men Tell All but will that be enough? Maybe it’s a thing where a blind woman falls in love with him. But a blind woman that can’t feel his weirdbeard. So like a blind woman with no hands. But like a really kind heart. There. I think we did it. I feel better. 

Nev Schulman

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At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag. 

JJ THE TURD

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JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

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uggh. That was awkward. And Joe, who’s already super sleepy-country did not react all that well to the news. Turns out heartbreak turns Joe into SlingBlade Guy. Joe has stroke eyes and a super high forehead. But somehow he manages to have some decent charisma. He’ll be fine. He’ll be missed. He’ll probably have a hairstyle that’s less like the climax of a mountain climbing movie the next time we see him. 

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B. TRIPPIN’

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Good gracious this guy sucks. He’s turned into the highest-maintenance bachelor in this show’s history. We just need to riff for a sec. Just to get it all out. In no particular order:

  • The B in Shawn B stands for “Little b-i-t-c-youknowtherest” right?
  • He stops the rose ceremony and tells us he’s got to hear what he wants to hear from Kaitlyn or he’s walking. Kaitlyn then very clearly tells him she’s exploring other relationships and does not regret sleeping with Nick. They walk back into the room and Shawn accepts the rose. That’s what he wanted to hear????
  • We need to acknowledge the situation happening with Shawn’s face.
    • I don’t know what “combination skin” is but I feel like Shawn’s got it.
    • When Shawn talks about “the other guy” is he referring to the giant zit on his own forehead? Should that zit have to get his own rose?
    • Shawn is trying so hard not to cry that his eyes are getting closer together and the tears are coming out as facial sweat.
    • You know when Bob Costas got really bad pink eye at the Winter Olympics in Sochi? I feel like that’s what might be happening to Shawn’s entire face.
  • I love how Shawn put on his bicep’iest shirt to go confront Nick.
  • How are all of Shawn’s dress shirts like a size and a half too small even though he’s like zero percent body fat not including his nose?

Thank you for that. It’s important we allow ourselves time to heal on Tuesdays.

TANNER

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The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Next week we get a little more fantasy and A LOT more man-cat fighting! What more will Shawn’s face do? Will Kaitlyn be able to stay awake while Ben H. talks to her all night? Can Nick fit another wooden bracelet on his wrist?

Happy Tuesdays, friends.

Week 7 – This place is old and well kept. Like my soul.

A man said that. A real-life, grown up man said those words. The same real-life grown up man also crumbled into a pile and cried tears into a scarf. A different grown up man started crying for no reason and cupped his mouth with a hand that featured a tiny, delicate ring with two hands holding each other. He also drooled.

That’s just what Ireland does to men. With or Without You was written there. Bono is a sad man wearing nothing but a leather vest. Is it green in Ireland? Sure but only because it rains every day and we all know that rain is God’s tears. The country exists as it is because a guy cries when he looks down on it.

There was barely any time for dates with all the talking, crying, sitting on steps, and taking elevators from one hotel floor to another. It wasn’t one of the strongest episodes but it wasn’t bad. I mean, we saw Shawn’s giant nose at full tilt on that bus ride. But what we’re really building up to is Kaitlyn coming clean about visiting Nick in Hump town. Next week, shiz gets real. But until then, let’s remember how our guys did. Let’s live in the now.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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The world’s most life-like ventriloquist doll is starting to break. He’s gentle, despite what you might think looking at his collection of tiny coats. Nick played in the background for most of last night’s episode, until it was time to talk. That’s when the tears came. Then the drool. And did you notice that after Nick vented all his emotions, Kaitlyn was about to talk and Nick just started kissing her? That’s a sign of self-centeredness. You can’t just dump your emotions on a gal without giving her a chance to deal with them. I know this because I participated in some very non-invasive pre-marital counseling a few months ago. Even read part of a book! Kaitlyn, watch out! The signs are all there. Don’t be fooled by a man who, when he wears a sombrero, looks like Little Cletus. They’re both brainwashers!!!

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

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I was worried for Ben H this week. After spending an hour learning that Kaitlyn was getting tired of the guys needing validation, we had to watch Ben H ask for his own. Thing is, he did it in the only way that works in this Hunger Games of love. “I don’t want to hear details. Just tell me I’m not wasting my time.” That’s basically giving Kaitlyn license to heavy pet her way around the world, which is exactly what she wants. This is a fun girl, guys! You need to remember that. I feel like we haven’t had a fart, poop, or sex joke in weeks. You need to get back to the movie quotes that sent Ian on his way. Somebody shotgun a beer. Do a body shot, even if it’s off your own body. Judging by Ben H’s catalogue of blazers, I don’t know if he has it in him to cut loose. Still, he’s just the vanilla America needs in a Bachelor. I just realized that could be read as an ethnic joke.

BEN Z. 

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What the frick? America’s meathead is gone and the Dentist remains??? Who will protect Kaitlyn when King Longshanks comes a callin’? Ben Z. is not funny. He even dresses in black. But what he lacks in lols he makes up for in brow-line. The guy’s got a warrior’s head. He’s settin’ nasty picks in rec-league hoops. All you guys know what I’m talking about…All 6 of you who read this thing. And yet, I guess in this day and age a man’s pick game just isn’t enough to win a reality dating show. If Ben H doesn’t get a little more dynamic there’s an outside shot they could give the gig to Ben Z. Maybe send him to charm school. Enroll him in Toastmasters or something. I could see Ben Z doing a lot of things. He runs a cross-fit gym in los angeles and he’s reality-show famous. That’s the best Match.com profile starter ever. I could also see him on Bachelors in Paradise. Maybe hooking up with some nice woman from seasons past. Someone who can loosen him up a little. Maybe explore some ruins with the guy. Drink rum with him. We’ll miss you Ben Z. But we will not worry about you. 

KING LONGSHANKS

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After the beheading, William Wallace’s body was torn to pieces and sent to the four corners of Britain as warning. It did not have the effect that Longshanks planned…. 

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Good gracious this guy is a real person. I feel like Chris is living out one of those movies where a 12 year old kid and a grown up trade bodies. I’ve always been fond of Vice Versa.Fred Savage does some great things in that one. I feel like what’s-her-butt was in one with Jamie Lee Curtis. Didn’t do much for me. Anyway, back to Chris. He’s like every 11 year old girl’s dream guy. So tender-hearted. So wholesome. I bet he really wants to see Divergent and Insurgent but he’s just not sure he’s ready for that kind of thing. He sings a LOT of Disney songs in his shower back home. And in full voice. Somewhere out there is a young girl living in a woman’s body that’s just perfect for Chris. In fact, I’m gonna go set up a dating website exclusively for kids who’s traded places with there parents and haven’t figured out how to trade back. It’s niche but so are J-date, Blackpeoplemeet, and Grinder. Chris I hope you’ve recovered from your heartbreak. It was awkward and kind of funny to watch you cry into a scarf over a girl you went on one date with. Thanks for the memories. You’re very sweet (dentist joke). 

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Who’d a thought that this guy, pictured above this sentence, would be running things this late in the game. Jared is the only fun one in this group. He’s charismatic. And he’s little so I guess the energy has fewer places to seep to? It’s probably science. He could win this thing. Jared is like every sports movie ever. He is the Cool Runnings of this season. Total underdog. Has no business being there, and yet Jared could really win. And why not root for him? He looks and sounds like Nev from MTV’s hit show, Catfish. They could be brothers, only Nev is the one that got all the looks. And let me be clear here, Nev isn’t all that good looking. I mean,…

Nev Schulman

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At least he loves America. You can tell by the flag that is behind him. It’s the American flag.

JJ THE TURD

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JJ’s time was up, but not before he confessed to America that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago. Now, we know his daughter is 3 years old. That means JJ cheated on a) a very pregnant woman or b) a woman who’d just birthed his first child. That’s not very awesome, even for a turd. Man, the countryside of Ireland is just a killing field. If you’re ever dating Kaitlyn and she suggests heading out to see the cliffs, just fake a panic attack. Do anything you can. Go full-on Sanderson Poe if you have to. Just don’t get in that helicopter or black van, or whatever Kaitlyn has access to. JJ gave us so much this season that it’s kind of sad to see him go. He fell in love with Britt AND Clint. Became a villain for like 2 days. Regretted it. Bragged about being hilarious and then wasn’t funny on stage, failed at rapping, failed at mariachi singing, and finally he told us he listens to musicals, “exclusively”. There hasn’t been a bigger heel on the bachelorette in a while. Where does JJ go from here? Europe? The middle east? I feel like it’s gotta be somewhere without TV or the internet. I’d say ISIS but I don’t think they’re big on musicals.  

JOE

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Joe is growing on me. Maybe the five head and the straight up hair can work. I just love looking at the guy. His hair and his eyes are running away from each other. It’s like he’s got opposing magnets pulling him up and down at the same time. He’s like Jonny Knoxville if he had a super minor stroke. And yet Joe is kind of charming in that slow, southern kind of way. You just gotta love the guy. And yet, I almost marked him blue because with only 3 men going to the fantasy suites there’s no way in H he can keep up. That’s assuming Kaitlyn doesn’t tell the guys about sleeping with Nick and they all decide to leave. But that would never happen…

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

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Gosh dang. Shaun’s best moment was him snoring in a bus. That about says it all right there. Tough week for our ugly Gossling. He’s a totally normal dude who is falling in love with a woman and has to watch her make out with a bunch of guys. There’s nothing wrong with that it’s just more than Shawn can take. He’s a dude that overshaves his stubble beard so the line rides too high up his face. That’s about as everyday as  you can get and everyday doesn’t work in this format. Everyday has you taking multiple elevator trips to confront Kaitlyn. It has you sitting on steps and looking out at Ireland and thinking. What everyday doesn’t have you doing is winning this show. I think Shawn gets to the fantasy suite because Kaitlyn wants to explore him…and he might make it to hometowns but I think that’s where it ends for Shawn. He was made for Bachelors in Paradise. There are so many unstable ladies that would swoon over him. He’d start so many catfights and would have no idea how to stop them.

TANNER

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The only surprise here was that they didn’t shake hands or high five on his way out. See ya, Tanner. Don’t be the guy in the back row at the Men Tell All that talks too much. We don’t care. 

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

We’re getting down to the end here and it looks like our dedication will pay off with an electric episode next week. In honor of telling the truth and being open, I’m going to tell you all a poop joke. “What’s brown and comes out of your butt? Poop.” I just came up with that on the spot because I’m a storyteller.

Week 6 – It was…intimate

One time when I was a kid my dad took me hiking. Everything was ok except when we came across a dead animal. It freaked me out and I felt so sorry for the little thing.

I tell you this wonderful story not to inspire you to hike, but it’s because I’m feeling sorry again. I feel sorry for the people who aren’t watching this show. Is it hard? Sure. Staying up late on a Monday night isn’t easy, especially if you have children to tend to in the morning, or reality show recaps to write. Still, this season is giving us so much gold. I feel rich. This show is enriching my life. And yours I’ll bet. If you know somebody who’s missing out (Will Raunig), talk to him or her. Don’t let them ruin their lives.

What didn’t last night give us? We got as much Ian as we could stomach. We got Jared’s unfathomable facial hair. Joshua was mercy killed. One man is bringing brought to his knees while another is soaring like a bald cowlick’ed eagle. Walls be goin up while panties be droppin. And of course, it all started at The Alamo. Now, I don’t know as much I should about Texas history, but I can only imagine that while the brave men died to defend America, they did so gripping to the hope that one day, one day a reality TV show would film a rose ceremony on the very site where they bled out.

It’s a classic American tale of survival. It was beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful, let’s get to the gentlemen.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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Nick knows this game. Even if he looks like he should be sitting on a ventriloquist’s knee with a hand up his butt. He close talks. He consoles like a champion. He turns Ian’s outburst into a humblebrag about his own sensitivity. He owns more TinyCoats™ than GapKids. He can talk about a one week relationship 20 different ways for hours at a time. It’s the stuff that could lead to the final rose and it’s the stuff that got him into Kaitlyn’s fantasy suite. He knows how to tell the other guys just enough to torture them. He isn’t kicking people out, he’s making them think it’s their own ideas. Nick was made for this game. And to star in videos about child labor laws.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

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Ben H had a bit of down week. His suit-no-tie thing looked frumpy, like a tired businessman. Maybe he was jet-lagged. Where’s the dynamism, Ben? Where’s the charisma that moves software in your town? Nick is taking your lunch, Ben. And while you aren’t crumbling like a dry biscuit, or a poor man’s Gossling impersonator, you aren’t taking any steps forward. Pick it up, man. Or at the very least, stop shopping at Men’s Warehouse.

BEN Z. 

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Ben Z. might not have what it takes to be with Kaitlyn. Does he poop-joke? Does he fart-joke? Does he sex-joke or movie-quote? He’s a big guy with a sensitive side. And that’s great for most women. Kaitlyn is not most women. I mean, she’s like most women only she as terrible, terrible taste in rings and she dates 20 guys at the same time. And she makes love at the one who looks like Little Cletus from Zoolander.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Chris sings whenever he has the chance. And not in the straightest way possible. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…unless you’re on a show about dating a woman. Chris is a classic triple threat. He sings, he dances, and he wears crushed velvet sport coats. I didn’t have what it takes to watch all of Behind the Candelabra but I feel like Chris was all over it. On the plus side, he’s a dentist who likes to tell teeth jokes. And yeah, with Chris, that is the plus side. I think Chris would make a really good Gay Bachelor Only By Bravo.

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

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Is it me or is Jared still wounded from the fight in week one? It’s either that or he’s severely jaundiced. In a world where Nick is pre-maritaling Kaitlyn and Shawn B is dying a slow death, Jared is barely mentioned. He’s like the afterthought of the afterthought. You know the bigger cheerleader on the bottom of the pyramid? Jared is the cheerleader behind the pyramid making sure the cutest girls don’t fall on top of him. He’s that one in every email that gets left off. “Oh, and apologies for forgetting Jarel. He was integral to the project’s success.” “Oh, and apologies, I’ve been told his name is Jared and there are leftovers from the finance meeting in the kitchen.” How hard have the producers tried to politely get Jared to shave? He’s like that guy you know with spinach in his teeth right now. Who’s gonna step up and tell him there’s something wrong?

JJ THE TURD

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Somehow this guy keeps holding on. I mean, with dudes like Joshua getting desperation haircuts it’s not all that hard to see. JJ walks like his frat brothers drugged him, walked him down to the gymnasium and duck taped him to a pommel horse for a night. My theory is that it’s because he’s trying to compensate for having a child-sized peen. Maybe he just needs some orthopedics shoes. You know those tan things you see on the wall in every podiatrist’s office. The ones with velcro. Do podiatrists keep them on the walls so you’ll buy expensive orthotics as an alternative? And that’s JJ. He’s so interesting we’re talking about tan orthopedic shoes right now.

JOE

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Does Joe come to the Men Tell All with the same haircut? That’s about all I need to know about him at this point.

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

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In the Hunger Games love, UglyGossling is the little african american girl who I think is played by Lenny Kravitz’s daughter. You root for her because she’s delicate and kind but in the end you know she doesn’t have what it takes to be out there in the wild. Shawn B is getting destroyed by feelings. And that’s really what separates him from real Gossling. That and good looks, charisma, wealth, good fashion sense, and game with the ladies. Will Shawn B leave next week? And if he does, can anybody else stop Nick? So many questions!

TANNER

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Even Tanner doesn’t know why he’s still getting roses.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Next week we get the full fall out of Kaitlyn and Nick’s love-making. It looks like everybody cries and says they want to go home. Everybody but Nick. If he’s left standing as the lone cast member, will the show go on? He seems like the kind of guy who’d be happy dating himself.

Week 5 – We’ve all read the tabloids

Wow.

That was amazing. When I woke up yesterday I did not think I’d get to enjoy a cocky, child-mariachi singer. But that’s what this show does. It opens up the world. It educates. It’s basically this without that amazing mullet.

This episode had drama, a river, giant hats, desperate haircuts, professed love, brow sweat, the most adorable old lady dancer in history, walls going up, walls coming down, scarves, extreme cold, extreme cold faces, 6 seconds of Chris Harrison, male intuition (who knew that was a thing?), lots of hair product, a whole bunch of guys on one couch while another equally large couch went unused, cowlicks, car accidents, and finally and most importantly, poop jokes, fart jokes and movie quotes.

The only thing we didn’t get last was time to grieve. We lost a few unforgettable guys who I will try to remember as we take a look at how everybody did.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

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Nick don’t front. He’s been around this game before and he knows what it takes to almost win. He answered the ridiculous questions thrown at him upon meeting the other guys. He got Kaitlyn alone for some PG-13 song singing. This guy is a force and now that the majority of the house has stopped hating him, it’s kind of a clear path to the finish line. He’s the only guy with any kind of swagger. And swagger is what Kaitlyn wants. Does he kind of look like Giovanni Ribisi when he’s wearing a mariachi hat? Yeah. He’s half Ribisi and half Little Cletus. Neither of those are good. But that’s ok because Nick knows now that the mime paint comes off. He can be silly for an hour if it means another week on the show. Nick could singlehandedly bust all of the country’s Bachelorette brackets. America could hate him for it. Still, I say, welcome back, man.

LITTLE CLETUS

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My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

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He two-stepped his way closer to being the next bachelor. I hope nobody needs to buy any software in the next 8 months because Ben H will be busy pursuing forever love. And one more thing. I’ve tried to dance competently after having one, 45 minute lesson. It’s tough! And I own the shirt Ben H was wearing last night. He deserves a pat on the back for how well he moved.

BEN Z. 

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I’m beginning to worry about Ben Z. Is he funny? We know he’s a whole hunk of man meat but can he crack a joke here and there? Does he join in the poop stuff that Ian was complaining about? I’m not so sure. This guy might not have the depth you normally find in a Cross-fit gym owner. Make us laugh, Ben Z. And fast.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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We didn’t get much Chris this week but I’ll bet he was super creepy and eager at whatever he did behind the scenes. Chris is not long for this show.

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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That was about as good as this show gets. When Ian was talking himself up as a performer and a wonderful singer it was like I just wanted more. Just feeeeeeeeeeeeeed us all the ways you are the best. Keep it coming my good man. It just made his performance that much sweeter. I imagine the editors of the show looked something like this as they were putting together the sound bites of Ian leading up to the moment he started to mariachi sing. I know the reaction in the Hanson house was just as powerful. I’m really gonna miss this guy. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. And I hope your exit is grand next Monday. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift.

JARED

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Jared professed his love but it was too little, too late. When Ryan Schnozling beats you to the punch there’s no coming back. Still, Jared is doing all he can in this thing. I could see him making the final four and then getting crushed when he’s let go. He doesn’t have the facial hair of a future Bachelor. He’s like the guy you want your friend to date. I bet Jared gets set up a lot and disappoints a lot of women. I guess there’s a job for everyone.

JJ THE TURD

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Kudos to JJ for sticking around this long. He even did something charming in NYC. Was there a comment to Ben H that had major homosexual undertones? Sure. But JJ is a guy who’s told us he listens to “Broadway showtunes, exclusively.” If he didn’t say gay things every once in a while we’d be confused. Keep on shocking the world, JJ. And keep on awkwardly leaving on to many dress shirt buttons unbuttoned.

JOE

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You know when you pause a video in the wrong place and whoever it is in the video looks really weird? Like, an eye might be closed or a mouth might be half opened? That’s what Joe looks like all the time. He’s got UnfortunatePauseFace. And it’s too bad, because the guy has some swagger and he likes to make out which is probably number one on Kaitlyn’s wishlist. Still, I think Joe could be gone soon. And all of us will miss what he does for this show.

JONATHAN

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Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

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Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. That was some awkward stuff. Joshua doesn’t have a lot of experience with the ladies which means he’s pulling off the kind of desperation usually reserved for high school dudes. The “give me a haircut” is like one step beyond, “Here, I decopauged this van gogh picture of Starry Night” and one step away from “buying parchment paper at an art store, burning the edges to make it look old, writing a poem on it with a calligraphy pen, rolling it up, tying it with rafia, and leaving it at a girl’s doorstep”, which is something I know nothing about. Kaitlyn toasted to honesty before last night’s cocktail party. That did not bode well for Joshua. Looks like it’s back to the farm for this guy.

JUSTIN

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Justin’s hair is longer in the front and shorter in the back. I feel like it’s something Anne Heche would’ve rocked back in the 6 days 7 nights era. So not only is this guy’s haircut dated, but it’s also for ladies. And yet, he’s still going strong with no end date in sight. What a world we live in, ya know? It’s really great.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

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UglyGossling has got to be the leader in the clubhouse. But is he more than just good-smelling? Does he have a sense of humor? And, most importantly, can he keep it together while Kaitlyn goes to frenchtown on every dude’s face? I don’t think so. Despite surviving an epic car accident, Shaun B is fragile. And he’s going up against Nick, a seasoned veteran. Nick knows that even if you don’t get picked, there are still tight jackets to buy and friends to hang out with back home. Shaun is all kinds of twisted up over Kaitlyn. It’s danger time.

TANNER

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Tanner reads the tabloids. This is not great. But is it worse that he assumes all the other guys have subscriptions to US Weekly? And I ask this as a guy that writes a weekly recap of The Bachelorette. If you were going somewhere with Tanner and you got on a subway and he missed it by just that much I feel like you wouldn’t really care. He just feels like a guy you could take or leave and, in the end, mostly just leave. Stranded. On a subway platform. Tanner is every annoying little brother character from every teen movie, all grown up. I feel like if I was one of the guys I would interrupt Tanner all the time because I just wouldn’t care at all what he was about to say. We already don’t care, man. Even before you open your mouth again. So just, don’t.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

Next week we get possible coitus and the ramifications that come with it. Abstinence is always best all you middle schoolers and Bachelorette contestants out there. Safety first. See you next time.

Week 4 – I love Aladdin. I am Aladdin.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Let’s let that sentence wash over today’s Bachcap. We need to start with some kind of caveat because for a show about men falling in love with a woman, things got awfully “theater’y”. And much of the drama started well before the Broadway stage.

What in the world is happening with Clint and JJ? How close could their faces get during that little lover’s quarrel? We haven’t seen that type of frustration since maybe this. Sparks were flying with the final crushing blow, “…and JJ, that tie really goes with that jacket.” Friends don’t sarcastically make fun of tie/sportcoat combinations. It’s rule number 1 in guy code, just ahed of 2) Don’t sleep with my wife, and 3) Don’t literally stab me in the back, like with a knife, while I’m walking away.

We went to the big apple where Bachelor royalty sat in the back of a hiphoprapmusic club. How does Trashley get special treatment in public??? Didn’t we just determine that she’s terrible like 4 months ago? Remember the crying and the fake eyelashes and the weird kissing? And now she’s sitting in the VIP section at a Dougie Fresh(?) concert(?)? I just don’t know.

Nick is one of the worst/best things to happen in Bachelor lore. And it’s not just because he goes and sits with the other ladies on a Friday afternoon at the Blow Out salon. Welcome to the Jungle.

One last note before we get to the fellas. Does it feel like Kaitlyn is kind of getting owned on this thing? Out of 18 guys left I’d say there are 4 who actually like her. At least 3 are gay (read the first sentence of the BachCap again). Ben H is miles ahead of the gang in the race to become the next bachelor. Joe and Joshua have no shot. And that leaves 8 guys who are just along for the ride, enjoying a free vacation. Kaitlyn is turning men gay. The entire house is against her now, except for Justin who thinks he looks like Matt Damon. Does that really count? And when the H are we gonna get a rose ceremony??? The formula is dead. We are so far gone I don’t know if we’ll ever find our way back home.

But it’s not about us. It’s about these guys.

Let’s take a closer look. And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

BEN H. 

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Ben H has confidence. While all the other guys are freaking out about Nick, Ben H just sits back and asks, why all the fuss? He’s calm, cool, and collected. He is your next bachelor.

BEN Z. 

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Ben Z belongs with Kaitlyn. He’s beefcackey. He has just the right amount of tribal tattoo. Just kiss her from time to time and let the weirds and wussies determine their own fate. Ben Z you need to take the words of toughguy, construction worker on his break Ray Pruitt to heart.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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I can show you the wooooorld. Wow. Chris is a special breed. The kind of breed that really loves to dress up like Aladdin and then asks for a moment of silent appreciation. A moment so awkward that the only way to stop it is to kiss him, while he’s wearing full lipstick. Chris seems like the kind of guy that wears satin pajama pants to sleep. And not in a good way.

CLINT

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I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

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Man. CoreyFace is just a riddle wrapped in a mystery. He was the last guy I thought would get gangsta on that hiphop date but he did. He was over-the-top feminine for a few scenes. He still has the face of someone who has no feelings and fakes them. He’s the Dexter of this show. I’m worried about Corey when he goes home. I don’t see a lot of love in his future. Like, if you’re a cute girl with cute girl friends and you’re out at a bar in whatever city Corey is from, and you overhear someone say that a dude from the Bachelorette is there, and you get all excited, then you see that it’s Corey S. How would that make you feel?…

SAD TROMBONE

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This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad.

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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Who knows a guy that talks a lot about what a great singer he is but then turns out that he isn’t a great singer? You’re constantly waiting for him to sing and you know you’ve gotta compliment him but that makes you a liar. And when you lie to that person you lie to yourself. And even when he isn’t singing you’re super anxious because you know it could come at anytime. The waiting is almost worst than the singing. Thanks for nothing, Ian.

JARED

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Has Jared shaved and changed his hair? With this group of guys it wouldn’t surprise me if he got a lot of fashion and beauty tips (read the first sentence of theBachCap). Who thought there was no hope for lil’ J? Kaitlyn was coming straight from the Nick decision and she was so distracted. And yet Jared found a way in. He really likes Kaitlyn and I’ll bet he will keep surprising her with his courage. BUT, I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. Kaitlyn needs a giant man and Jared is too much of a puppy dog. He’ll make some woman happy. It just won’t be Kaitlyn.

JJ THE TURD

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I’ll say it again. This guy is a father. A little 3 year old girl is depending on this guy to teach her how to be a person. That baffles me. He slaps his own face. He cries when Clint leaves. He wears a zip up sweater with no undershirt. It’s just a trail of bad decisions. He even got booed at the rap show. The only thing keeping him around is the fact that ABC has forgotten what rose ceremonies are. At this point though, he’s so dead weight. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got Home Alone’d and the crew just forgot him at the hotel before flying overseas. JJ didn’t come here to make friends. He’s doing an awesome job of it.

JOE

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Joe is real song and dance man. He might be my favorite guy on the show. The dude is just so beyond is depth and yet he keeps rolling with the punches with the same look on his face. Joe looks like his forehead and hair are being called up in the rapture but the rest of him is being left behind. #Hairpocolypse

JONATHAN

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Jonathan wears a beanie under a hoodie, indoors. That’s cold.

JOSHUA

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I like Joshua but he has zero chance of winning. He seems like a man who’s totally ready to be in a relationship though. Nice guy. He’s got his stuff together. But he needs a woman’s touch. And I hope he gets it back in Idaho. Move to Boise, man. Take the leap. You’ve been on a Broadway stage you can do anything now!

JUSTIN

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Even more annoying than a guy who tells you he’s a good singer all the time is the guy who thinks he looks like a celeb even though he doesn’t. What do you do? Do you just nip it in the bud and say, “Dude. You don’t look like Matt Damon and it’s weird and kind of arrogant when you say things like that. At best you look likeMichael Pitt if he was raised on a chicken farm and pumped full of water and steroids and average-face.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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This guy came a season too late. There isn’t a situation where he won’t rock a scarf. Even in the hotel room he’s in full coat, scarf and glasses. You know how you see someone and his or her style kind of speaks to you and inspires your clothing choices? You can look at Ryan and just know that he watches a lot of Million Dollar Listing. He’s the guy on the show that won’t get a rose but won’t be bummed out at all when he leaves.

SHAWN B.

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UglyGossling is not in a good place. He was sure Kaitlyn was ready to marry him. And now Nick is in the fold? I kind of feel for Shawn but apparently, women think he’s good looking so I bet he does just fine when he gets back to Nashville. Unless he does win this thing. If he can stay the course it might come down to him and Big Ben Z. It’s time for Shawn to dig deep. Go look over a railing while doing a voice over of how you’re feeling. It really clears the head.

TANNER

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Tanner is such a little whiney B-word. He is totally thrown by this Nick thing. But here’s what Tanner doesn’t understand. He has no chance. None. Tanner should just chill out and enjoy the ride. Do just enough to get a rose (if they ever have another rose ceremony) and just live easy. It’s like the lazy river at Wild Waves. Hop onto that KUBE93 inner tube and just float, man. When it’s time to get out of the pool at the bottom, get out of the pool at the bottom. There are plenty of other attractions. Head over to Corkscrew, or do a can opener off the little ledge by that hot tub the teens hang out in. Get em’ all wet with cold water.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

It was a weird week and things are only gonna get better. Stay strong everybody. Let’s go out with a little more from Ray Pruitt. How do you talk to an angel, Ray? This is how.

Week 3 – I didn’t expect to fall in love with a man

These are confusing times we live in.

Why does Jessica Lang want us to call her Caitlyn now? Because that’s not Jessica Lang. It’s the artist formally known as Bruce Jenner.

What the heck is going on with Clint and JJ? We thought we were confused when we couldn’t tell if Clint was good looking or not. Now he’s popping JJ’s back zits in the shower? I don’t know about you but I kept waiting for the punchline to land. Instead, all we got was close-guitaring, hot tubbing, jawline flattering, and much much more.

Add in some drunk Kupah, 1/3 full frontal nudity, incoherentTony, and Joshua talking to young people about the shedding of uterine walls. It was a jam-packed 2 hours.

Let’s take a closer look. And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

BEN H. 

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Ben H has a knack for telling young children about sperm. And here we thought he was just a pretty face. I’m calling it right now, Ben H. will be the next bachelor. He isn’t Jersey Shore enough for Kaitlyn and he’s got the kind of milquetoast charm that America loves. He’s that guy you knew in college that couldn’t go steal a crew boat and paddle naked under the Fremont bridge because he was taking swing dance classes. He knows how to dip a girl without hurting his back. He’d probably enjoy going to a musical and not just say he would enjoy going to a musical.

BEN Z. 

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BraveBen also had a great week. Apart from a bench press convention, this was the best thing to showcase Ben’s Benness. Somehow he managed to stick his hand in a dirty toilet and then almost immediately put that hand on Kaitlyn’s face while they frenched. We also learned that Ben hasn’t cried in 11 years. So we’re now officially on cry watch. Exciting! If I was Kaitlyn I would make up really sad stories every time I was with Ben just to see if I could crack him. Like, maybe start with what JJ was thinking when he got that giant shoulder tattoo. Whatever made him do that was probably the saddest thing in history. But enough about JJ for now.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Is Chris more than a good head of hair and a really white set of teeth? I bet we’ll find out soon. He seems to gentle and innocent for Kaitlyn. Like, if you tried to give Chris an edge by throwing him into a leather jacket he’d look like he was playing dress up in a real man’s clothes. Chris looks like he pronounces apple juice like, “appah –jew”. He’s like the oldest pre-schooler you’ve ever seen. So safe.

CLINT

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This guy can’t be real. I’m not buying it. Here’s my theory. He and JJ got together and figured out that neither of them are really into Kaitlyn at all. But they both like the extended, free vacation. They also like the camera time. So they openly decided to become villains on the show. I don’t know if we’ve ever had someone openly refer to themselves as a villain. He’s sullying this sacred adventure and it looks like he’ll be thrown out next week. How will JJ take the news? From the scenes it looks like he’ll smack his own face a few times. JJ is a dad. But that’s enough about JJ for now.

COREY

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Corey’s face continued to be just on the wrong side of weird. He didn’t do a ton last night but Kupah dropped an awesome hammer in his rant when he yelled (to no one in particular) “I mean, Corey S. is still here? Really???” That just about sums up Cory S.

THE BETTER COREY 

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Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

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It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

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Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

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Ok, I’m just gonna say it. Ian’s kinda soft for a former college track star. Even one that’s been hit by a speeding car. That or maybe he’s just got a lot of extra belly skin so when he sits down his 6 pack disappears. I suffer from that affliction. That isn’t too many donuts. It’s just how God made us, Ian.

JARED

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I’m going to say something about Jared that will change the way you see him. If you don’t want that to happen, stop reading now. Ok, those brave enough to read on, here it goes. Jared has super lazy eyelids. It’s like he blinks in slow motion. He always looks really tired. It’s the the weight of his hairline is pushing his eyelids shut all the time. Maybe that’s why he has brutal eye contact. Still, he isn’t a jerk. He’s like this season’s Cody–the bodybuilding douchebag with the ducktails haircut who made friends with Chris Soules. Harmless, but kinda dumb. Also, Cody could wear Jared like a backpack.

JJ THE TURD

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Man this guy is hateable. The way he was standing in that sumo outfit–gut out, drinking a beer. He has all the self unawareness of Michael Scott with none of the heart. He tried to back down Tony and if there’s one you don’t do, it’s that. It’s also, getting a shoulder tattoo that bad. Oh, and it’s everything else he does. I can’t believe this guy is a dad. The only redeeming quality he has is that if you sit kind of far away from your computer screen right now and let your eyes go cross-eyed, he kind of looks like Dr. Jack Sheppard M.D. “Kate! We need to go back! We were never supposed to leave this island!” Gosh, who am I kidding. JJ looks like this.

JOE

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Joe let it all hang out last night and no I’m talking about his feelings I’m talking about his left ball. What’s weird is that Joe’s face kind of looks like a ball. So there you have it. Joe is consistent.

JONATHAN

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Jonathan made facial expressions this week. That’s about it. He’s fat to trim from the real contestants.

JOSHUA

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Joshua owns 3 shirts. I think we’ve seen him in the one he’s wearing in this picture, like 5 times already. He’s such a nice guy though. He needs to move off his farm and into a city. Start small with Boise or something. You’d clean up in Boise, man. If there’s one thing I know about women in Idaho it’s that they love to hear about how periods work. You’re already one step ahead of the game. Enjoy it, Joshua.

JUSTIN

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Justin’s the one guy who still has a shiner from the boxing match. He’s soft. Like, literally. I feel like he uses way too much facial lotion. But, he did make out with Kaitlyn this week. Actually, how hard is that? She’s kissing everybody. The crazy haired producer that was trying to interview Kupah has probably enjoyed some lip on lip. Justin seems destined to be lost in the shuffle. Stuck in the middle between the crazy dudes and the guys with a shot to win.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

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How is it that there’s a gay scandal on the show and Ryan B(RAVO) isn’t a part of it? You’ve gotta assert yourself, man. Get up in there and be you. Throw those fake glasses to the side and dive headfirst into some Clint. The water’s douchey.

SHAWN B.

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UglyGossling seems like a nice enough guy. He’s like that white guy that was really into hip hop in high school. He was probably pretty good at hoops. Maybe he drove a Honda CRX with Kicker 10’s in the back. He wears Cool Water cologne. There’s no way this guy didn’t spend a ton of time at the mall during middle school. He strikes me as the kind of guy that was really excited to grow a beard.

TANNER

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Tanner remains a non-factor. He isn’t going to win but he isn’t going to offend. Despite wearing a black v-neck undershirt in this picture. Who goes to Fred Meyer and looks at the underwear section and decides to get the black undershirt? It’s guys like Tanner that keep black undershirts on the shelves. Fascinating.

TONY

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Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Till next week when JJ slaps his own face and the fantasy suite exposer, Nick returns.

Week 2 – Love is as perennial as the grass

Apologies for the late BachCap. ABC.com didn’t allow me to watch the final 45 mins of the show that I missed on Monday night. Sometimes the Internet really lets you down. When it does, restore your faith with: https://html5zombo.com

Ok, you’re back? Let’s continue. That was a pretty solid ep. We got a Hunger Games-like death match for love. When (he went to)Jared stepped into the final match with giant Ben Z I stood up and yelled, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!” not really.

We were all engagement-photoshoot-shamed. Because the only way to demonstrate true love is to do it underwater.

The guys got to try their hands at comedy which, looking back, might be the thing that broke abc.com.

And we got to see Britt bad-act her way to a fake boyfriend. A boyfriend with unexplainable style. Seriously:

  • Where does a tall man buy tights long enough to fit him? Is he walking into a Lane Bryant and trying these things on?
  • The shirt. It went down to his knees and the neck hole was huge. It’s like if you turned his shirt upside down, tied the bottom, attached a wicker basket, and burned some helium, you’d get this. Also, you put a picture of Jonathan Taylor Thomas on that thing and it’s like what middle school girls sleep in.
  • The beanie. Are you cold? You’re wearing a tee-shirt and you have a long sleeve shirt tied around your waist. I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand.

But enough about Britt and Britt The Man Version. Let’s get to our fellas! And remember. Black is still in it. Red is gone long ago. Blue is the most recent to go.

 

BEN H. 

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Despite being pretty tall and not all that skinny, Ben sucks at boxing. He also sucks at wearing a shirt under a v-neck sweater. But he’s got a good looking mug and people like that. It allows him the freedom to sit back and be good looking while the crazies do crazy things. Watch for more of Ben H to come.

BEN Z. 

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BigBen did the only thing BigBen knows how to do. Concuss delicate Jared. But he did so with grace. This guy is a player in this race. You watch out for Ben Z. In fact, I could see a late-season two on one date with both Bens. This thing is gonna get real.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

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Chris realized that he isn’t funny.

CLINT

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Is Clint one of those people that is supposed to be good looking? Like, you look at him and think, “he’s good looking, right? He’s gotta be. But is there something wrong with my TV? Do I need an antihistamine?” He kind of looks like college-Brian Bozworth. Not many of you will know what that means but I feel pretty ok with the comparison. Clint did some pre-underwater yoga. He dressed up like Bill Compton from True Blood. Then he jumped into a pool at a mansion that you know a whole bunch of of soft-core pornos have used as a set. Clint frenched Kaitlyn in the pool a little. I think she digs him. He’s also strange in that he doesn’t really tease anybody back at the house but he doesn’t really have a problem with the guys who do. Is he good looking? Is he mean? I don’t know. Maybe he’s, Simply Clint™.

COREY

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There’s something not right about this guy. He looks like he’d invite you over to his place and then try to sell you Amway. Or lock you into a timeshare or something. I feel like if you went to his house it would be the kind of clean that makes you nervous. Like, that something really strange happens after dark. I wouldn’t feel comfortable using his silverware. And that’s Corey.

THE BETTER COREY 

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The better Corey didn’t do anything. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t on a date but I could be wrong because it’s still early and most of these guys look the same. He could’ve boxed and lost but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he spent the day at the mansion doing Coreythings.

DANIEL

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Daniel follows friend-of-th-BachCap, Evan Cook on Instagram. Evan Cook is a woodworker.

IAN

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The Princeton came out of Ian on Monday. He told his story and had a super smooth segue into makeout territory. He is so the good guy this season. If he had a better hairline, he could be in line to be the first minority Bachelor. But I see him getting booted, with grace, and finding love fast in L.A. No matter how this turns out, Ian will be a winner.

JARED

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Jared talks a lot about being a weenie but he’s like 6’0 and not that light. Maybe it’s the super skinny neck combined with the jawline implants. Seriously. Does that thing set off the metal detectors at airports? Does he look even weirder without the terrible goatee? And with all that, you kind of have to root for him. He didn’t waste any time with Kaitlyn and just made out at her something fierce. Hats off, Jared. Or maybe with that hair, hats on.

JJ THE TURD

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Oh! Amy Schumer you called it! This guy is just a flat out TURD! Look at that stupid face with the stupid deep V tee shirt. Did this guy tell all his buddies he was going to hollywood to be a reality show villain? Does he realize that you can be a normal person that has friends and people like that? This poor guy’s daughter. Does she have a chance to not be hateable when she grows up? I feel like JJ has something strange going on with the buttons on his dress shirts. Like, he’s only leaving two unbuttoned but they look like really bad. Like, New York Wall Street No style but a lot of money bad. Is his neck really long? Are his shirts really bad? It’s something to watch. I can’t wait until he goes down. I hope it’s epic. Maybe he’ll fall out of his harness while scaling a building for love.

JOE

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Joe is a nice guy that would fill out a Pharrell hat.

JONATHAN

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Do we really care?

JOSHUA

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He’s pretty Idaho but I think the dude has a chance to go far in this thing. I feel like he’s gonna straddle the freindzone so he’ll need to do romantic things, fast #Butttouches.

JUSTIN

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Justin’s face gives me the same creeps as Corey’s. I look at Justin and wonder if we might be in the early stages of a Bruce Jenner situation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just think if you’re Kaitlyn you deserve to know that Justin was either born a Jessica, or is transitioning to a Jessica. It’s only fair. This is foreverlove.

KUPAH

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HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B. 

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Is Ryan B. more than a sensitive haircut and glasses I’m sure have no prescription lenses in them? We’ll find out soon. Ryan looks like he should be hosting a show on BRAVO.

SHAWN B.

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Didn’t get much UglyRyanGossling this week. And I’m just fine with that. I didn’t watch the this-season-on but I’ll bet we get a ton of this friggin dude. It’s going to be unpleasant.

TANNER

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You know that cool guy you know? Tanner is like that guy’s younger brother. Maybe you’re kind of excited to hear that Zane has a brother and then you see him and you go, “oh…huh…”. I’ll bet Tanner’s mom has a photo album of Tanner’s childhood that she leaves open on the living room table for guests to see when they come over for coffee. Tanner, you have no chance in this thing. Not against the Bens. Not against Simply Clint™. And sadly, not against UglyRyanGossling.

TONY

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A real up and down week for Tony. Something tells me he has a lot of those. His comedy routine was somehow the funniest of the night. But then he got his feelings hurt back at the mansion. Tony needs to go on one of those hikes that middle school kids do to toughen them up. He needs to face some challenges and overcome some fears. That or just a swift kick to the junk. He’ll probably get a metaphorical j-kick at the next rose ceremony, which should come on Monday but who the heck knows! They’re really flying fast and loose with the format these days. No rules. We need more order to this thing. I can’t be ToBeContinued anymore. Gosh, I sound like…..

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

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He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn.

 

Till next week.