Week 1 cont. – I just can’t cry

There is a God.

You want evidence? Britt is gone. I mean, she’s never gone because there is still suffering in the world. Loss and heartache. Poverty and tragedy. All of it is attributed to Britt who is just the suckiest. BUT, we don’t have to watch her bad-act for the summer. She tried so hard to muster actual tears last night but again, she’s a waitress in Hollywood which is shorthand for Out of work actress. Do you think Natalie Portman would’ve had any trouble producing tears? No, because she’s a real actress in real films, like The Phantom Menace and No Strings Attached.

Would it have been kinda fun to watch Britt and a handful of douchebags try to out mug each other for three months? I don’t know. If you’re going to watch a train wreck I guess it’s always best to see your mortal enemies inside. And yet I’m happy it’s Kaitlyn. Because I think she’s genuinely up for finding love. And I am a believer.

Let’s remember what happened last night. Oh, and a quick note that I did not watch the “This season on the bachelorette” because I hate spoilers.

Pictures to come next week when people stop being polite and start getting real.

  • J. Went from loving Britt at first sight and overprotecting her, to feeling deeply for Kaitlyn…all in the same night. J.J sucks, maybe harder than any other guy.
  • Ugly Ryan Gosling is painful. He even talks really slowly and deeply. Like, it’s got to hurt his vocal chords to push his range down that low. But the guy is really committed to Gos-slinging his game around the mansion.
  • There are a bunch of dark haired guys with really closely set eyes. Tall dark and dumb looking.
  • Ian, the Princeton runner who survived a car accident is this seasons, “I care too much too fast” guy. He’s way too into Kaitlyn and he’s gonna pay the price. We can see it happening. It’s like when Old Yeller got bitten and you just knew what would eventually happen. Yes, Ian is going to get shot in a shed in the next few weeks.
  • Could this be the first season in history with two Bens in the final four? Ben the software salesmen is objectively the best looking. And Ben Z, the crossfit guy is maybe the best suited for Kaitlyn. She’s just a blue collar gal. She needs a guy with thick arms and tribal tattoos. A guy that still listens to 311, doesn’t know much about politics but hates the Iraq. A guy that buys cologne and could build you a deck. Ben Z is most of those things, guaranteed.
  • How about that guy’s forehead? You know who I’m talking about. It’s really tall, and he chooses to wear his hair sticking straight up. It’s like there’s a body, then a neck, then that rock from Close encounters of the third kind where a head should be. He’s nice though. Nice, southern dude.
  • The dentist has some game. I feel like dentists smile with teeth a lot. I mean, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But if you can have a boring, high-paying job AND have a little fresh-and-flirty game, you could go far in this thing.
  • Kupah, the trophy-wife seeker is like at least 1 year younger than I am. He seems like the dirty uncle in a Tyler Perry movie, or a rich but abusive banker in a different Tyler Perry movie. I don’t like him but I don’t think he’ll be around long enough to fully hate him. He’s the kind of guy that collects really bad art because art collecting is something he thinks a rich person does. Like, I’ll bet he’s really annoying to drink wine with.
  • Brady the soft-speaking Nashville hipster took himself out of the game to go see about a girl. Don’t sully Good Will Hunting quotes, man! You’re a breathy douchebag and you think Britt is awesome because she’s the girl version of you. Man, if those two got married could you imagine having them as neighbors? They’d kill your property values. Still, I’m curious to see what, if anything, comes of it all.
  • Tony the Healer needed to take a second out on a bench. That seems about right.
  • It was full-on morning when the guys left. Hats off to them. That is a super long night of having to be on. I had a hard enough time getting through an hour episode of the show.

Here are some predictions. And remember, I didn’t watch the “This season on”

  1. My final four is murky but I’ll set as:
    1. Ben Z. – Crossfit guy
    2. Ben Software
    3. The Dentist
    4. Ugly Ryan Gosling
  2. J will rub the guys the wrong way.
  3. Sky’s dad won’t be there for the right reasons.
  4. Corey something from Texas is my dark horse. He’s blonde so he stands out from the rest of the guys. I feel like he has a normal job. He doesn’t seem douchey.
  5. The fashion designer will be kind of a prissy, dandy-boy who all of us wish would be punched in the stomach by the welder-with-a-heart-of-gold, aka Idaho.

Enjoy Memorial Day weekend. Get tan. Get hot-dogged. Get into those white pants (FINALLY!!!!)

Week 1 – On a scale from 1-10 you’re a billion

Hello friends. We’re back with The Bacholerette, or as it should be titled—Diet Bachelor. What better time than spring to fall in love with an amateur sex coach, a healer, or a former investment banker. Are we ready for another journey? It seems like just yesterday that  Chris (Cross will Make Ya) Soules was walking us around the brick-walled bars of Des Moins, Iowa. We invested our hearts and it was tiring.

If I had to guess I’d say you’re probably one of the following:

  • I didn’t realize it was on because I don’t have a DVR. Instead I spend my money on kayaks, festivals, weekend hikes, and literature. I can wear a v-neck tee-shirt and not look like I have man-boobs. I have that freedom.
  • I did realize it was on but I just couldn’t. I just didn’t have it in me. I’m only one (wo)man and two hours of this stuff just felt like too much.
  • I watched it but multitasked because I’m an important person with things to do.
  • I popped some corn and watched with wrapped attention.
  • I went out and got my nose pierced at Claire’s in the mall because I am on team Kaitlyn.
  • I haven’t showered in 2 weeks because I think Britt is the best (even though she’s worst. If you ever see her, do what the Bible says and “turn and flee!”) Britt is like Medusa. If you look at her you fall under her spell and it’s over. Your life is over.

Whoever you are, know that I love you.

Oh, and remember that I am an idiot and will probably say something that offends you. If I make fun of a man for having a stripper face and your dad has a stripper face, I’m sorry. I’m just a man, trying to wade his way through, trying to work out what he’s seen. We’re all in this together.

Let’s try to remember some things. More bullets!

  • HOW DARE YOU, CHRIS HARRISON! HOW DARE YOU TO BE CONTINUE US LIKE THAT. WE GAVE YOU TWO HOURS. SOME OF US STAYED UP LATE AND NOW WE’RE TIRED AND OUR WORK PLACES WON’T GET OUR BEST.
  • That felt good.
  • Britt and Caitlyn…Katelyn? Kaitlyn? I don’t know. Not much has changed with our ladies. Britt isn’t wearing as much turquoise jewelry and the pink lipstick is gone. Kaitlyn looks the same.
  • I feel like we’ve got a high level of douche, which is good for us.
  • What’s up with all the solid silk ties, tied with giant knots? These guys are reaching, deep into the 2000’s. Somebody put an issue of GQ on the toilet in the mansion. Give these guys a hand!
  • Was anybody fooled by the fireman turned stripper? He just has a face for stripping and that’s not a compliment. If I’m on trial and facing jail I don’t want my lawyer to have dumb-face. I don’t want him wearing bedazzled jeans.
  • There’s a dentist who looks like a dentist.
  • There’s a guy that looks like if Ryan Gosling fell into an ugly machine. Like, at some point he heard somebody tell him that he kind of looks like Ryan Gosling and then he decided to just go for it with Ryan’s clothes and his haircut. It’s like Trashley trying to look like Kim Kardashian. It just makes you look like a homelessman’s celebrity. Don’t do it.  I know this. I went through it myself in college when somebody told me I Iook a little like Seal. hashtagkissfromarose
  • There’s a guy named Ben. I think he sells software. He could be the best looking guy there. I’m calling final 4 regardless of who the bachelorette ends up being.
  • Tony is a sensitive healer. He talks to plants. He has a delicate middle part. He showed up with a black eye that he couldn’t heal in time for the show which is the definition of irony.
  • There was a super drunk guy that kept saying, “this place is dead anyway”. That’s a quote from Swingers which came out 19 years ago. It’s like that awkward friend of yours that still quotes Austin Powers. You gotta move on, drunk guy. If you’re going to have a drunk catch phrase, make it way better and more current. And make it something about Harry Potter because those movies are awesome! “PATRONUS!”
  • There’s a guy who calls himself “Love Man”. I can’t understand his hair. It’s like a Dark Donald Trump kinda thing. Where does it begin? Where does it end?
  • There are a few personal trainers that look exactly the same.
  • There’s a guy who said he’s looking for a trophy wife and he looks like the kind of guy that would think it’s ok to say something like that on a show like this.
  • There’s a runner from Princeton that got hit by a car. He seems like a really nice fellow, a guy you can root for.
  • J. Saw Britt, told her that he didn’t think he stacked up against all the other guys, then told us he fell in love with Britt. There’s always a J.J. He’ll be super painful right from the start and I kind of can’t wait.
  • One guy is from Idaho. He’s way too nice to be on this show. He’s like what you wanted Chris Soules to be, only for real. He definitely shops at Old Navy.
  • There’s a singer from Nashville that talks really breathy and doesn’t pronounce some consonants because he might hurt them? I don’t know. I could see him and Britt hitting it off because they’re equally fake and self absorbed.
  • There’s a kid named, “Sky”.

And we’ll leave it at that. I mean, we have 2 more hours to go tonight. We’ll have pictures soon, either tomorrow or next week.

Happy watching.