The Finale! – I’ll miss you. I know.

Kids are cute. Kids are also kind of scared. It’s not their fault, really. The world is pretty big when you can’t see over the counter at Godfathers Pizza (good Lord I miss that place). When kids get scared they cling to things, like a blankie.

I believe this, right here, is the story of this season.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 8.51.21 AM.png

From the second rose ceremony on, Nick was terrified because he knew that he was falling in love with a French Canadian who cries a lot, confuses confrontation with honesty, and whose family looked like caged animals at the world’s saddest zoo while they sat there in the studio audience last night.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.22.50 PM.png

So Nick did what kids do, he grabbed a sweet, southern blankie who he could hold onto for courage. Only unlike a child, Nick laid his blankie down in a swamp and made out with it. He slept with that blankie and then that blankie skipped all over some strange Finnish village. The Brian Boitano within was released on the ice and he danced, ohhhhh how he danced, in close proximity to that blankie and then he laid that blankie down on the frozen pond and kissed it awkwardly.

Finally, when he could no longer hold onto the blankie because the rules of reality TV don’t allow it, Nick tossed that blankie aside and ran headlong into a life filled with pure…what’s the opposite of joy?Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.24.00 PM.pngah, yes, that’s it.

And how was Nick’s goodbye with Raven? Awesome.

Nick:       I’ll miss you.

Raven:

Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.25.19 PM.png

Raven will be ok if she survives the carbonite freezing. A Mexican beach should help thaw her out. Look out Paradise! Who do we see Raven falling for on B’s in P’s? Maybe Luke from JoJo’s season. I could see that being a thing.

So, what do we do now? It’s been a long season. For those who stuck it out, give yourselves a pat on the back. For those who read this blog without watching the show, give yourselves a foreverhug. My basement is no closer to being finished from the proceeds of this thing which are zero but I will continue to write. It helps to have an outlet and it’s nice to know there’s somebody on the other side. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here and I look forward to seeing you all back for the Bachelorette.

I’m going to do two things.

  1. Go on a nice long walk.
  2. Shop for a hat that makes me look like a hummel figurine.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 1.55.40 PM.png

To make it all official, let’s look at how the final two ladies ended. And remember —ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. Oh, and new this week, ladies who are the next bachelorette are purple!

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.53.28 AM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.14.16 AM.png

Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.01.44 AM.png

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Finally, the hammer falls. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.35.37 AM.png

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.59.56 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.04 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.15 PM.png

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.45.02 AM.png

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Rachel comes out wearing a winged pantsuit that confuses me. But she’s pretty gracious and she had a certain glow about her. I know it’s probably the realization that she’s the next bachelorette but man it would rule if she was preganant with Nick’s baby. And I know what you’re saying, they wrapped on this show months ago. But believe with me, just for a moment! “Life…finds a way.” It always goes back to Goldblum. 

Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.29.54 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

You left with the best goodbye of all time. You HanSolo’d the Bachelor and, in a way, you made him lose for the what, 4th or 5th time straight? So poised. So fun. So southern. A country singer will write a song about you, Raven. And it will sound exactly like every other country song because all country songs sound the same. All but one. Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.33.05 PM.png

Here’s to you, Chip Mcapp. I’ll bring the beers, you bring the girls, and the troops will bring the freedom. Goodbye for now sweet Raven. We’ll see you in paradise. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Vanessa wins!!!!!(?) Sure it felt like there was a producer in the rafters holding cue cards with sappy stuff for her to say to Nick but that’s just how proposals go, right? What happens when two people who think a relationship has to be hard to be good get together? Vanessa went from almost leaving the game to getting engaged on the walk from the final limo to the proposal shed. She used the word “tough” to describe her time with Nick. I know everybody’s different but when I got engaged it was awesome and it’s still awesome 2 and a half years later! Yes Venessa is realistic. But you can be realistic and still be happy. Maybe that’s why all of us read about the Bachelor instead of trying to date him. We can enjoy it all and still have our lives. Vanessa has been swallowed up by the beast. I picture Nick and Vanessa’s relationship like living a Charlie Day sitcom. The guy doesn’t stop yelling. It’s loud and you just want it to stop. Apart from that, congrats from all of us.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Oh crap.

I foreverlove all of you. It’s been a fun, grinding season. Kiss the one you love today, with full tongue and a hand on the butt.

g

Advertisements

3 Hour Bachelor Event – Too much.

Goldilocks. It’s a children’s story and yet it’s so poignant. One hour of The Bachelor just isn’t enough. Three hours makes you go to bed angry. Two hours is juuuuuust right. Who knew we could learn so much from porridge?Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.25.03 PM.png

For those who survived until 11:00 last night, I salute you. It was like Andy Dufresne crawling through 500 yards of poop to come out the other side and wash in his own freedom, only we just got to go to bed.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.25.58 PM.png

 

So many conversations we don’t care about. Logic is like Hotmail. We remember it fondly. We’re pretty sure it still exists. But we rarely see it anymore. And that goes from the Whitehouse to the Women Tell All studio. More on that below.

Let’s focus on Finland. For the past week we’ve been steeping in awkwardness, like a teabag you forgot about for a while. The water is cold. There is no life left in the bag. 7 long days wondering, “would Raven be opened to new sensations?” I typed that knowing my mom reads this blog. We are all suffering.

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.06.06 PM.png

 

Congrats, Raven. How bout you run around high fiving reindeer and dancing in the streets. I’m surprised they didn’t hold a parade. I’m sure the kids would’ve come out for Raven’s news.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.09.39 PM.png

 

Next up is Rachel. She’s guarded but Nick does his best to draw out her vulnerabilities because that’s what you do two nights before dumping someone. Again, so painful. It was like the old Austin Powers gag with the steamroller. You could see it coming from a mile away and yet Rachel could do nothing but get smashed.Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.12.08 PM.png

 

They wake up topless and we can assume love was made because again, you’re one week away from proposing so why not sleep with who you can?

Finally, Vanessa joined the party. I feel like Vanessa is a perfect composite of every woman to ever appear on the Bachelor. Like, if a blind person made a bachelorette out of clay, it would look like Vanessa.

Hello.

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.17.24 PM.png

 

I imagine watching Nick and Vanessa talk about important things while cuddling is like when God sees me pull into a Jack in the Box drive thru. “This isn’t going to end well.”  Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.18.49 PM.png

I mean, it’s nice that they’re talking about this stuff but it seems obvious that they aren’t suited for each other, like my GI tract and the Extreme Sausage Sandwich. I know it’s supposed to look gross but even now, knowing what it will do to me, I want it. And that’s Nick! He can’t say no to the things he knows will destroy him.

Fast forward to the next morning. Another one bites the dust. How is nick going to live this down on the After the Rose? We know he’s had a rough go before…

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Someone has to go. It is Rachel’s time. She is the best of us, which is why she had to go.

Then came 2 hours of [fart noise]. Let’s take a look at how the women did below. I’ve given super quick updates for everybody. And remember —ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

WTA: Milking the shark from the Forever Friend Zone.

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.53.28 AM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

WTA: I don’t understand Astrid’s eyebrows. They look like your dad trying to use photoshop. “No, no Dad, that brush is too wide. No, lemme just…ok.”

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

WTA: Missing in action.

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

WTA: Nods at everything every woman yells. Very agreeable. Looks exceptionally healthy next to Josephine.

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

WTA: Continues Trumping this show. Turns insights into arguments. Grabs champaign. Tries to justify her use of the word nanny. People clap because she’s entertaining but with her in charge the world would burn.

This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.14.16 AM.png

Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

WTA: She cries. She is comforted. She is fine. The circle is complete.

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.01.44 AM.png

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

WTA: She dyed her hair grey. That’s like if somebody snuck into the Louvre and put arms on Winged Victory. DON’T MESS WITH PERFECTION! Also, I’ve never seen a woman with such a sleek upper body be so brazen about flaunting it. It feels weird to write that but we were all thinking it.

Finally, the hammer falls. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.35.37 AM.png

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

WTA: Lost in the chaos.

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

WTA: Apparently she’s a big time humanitarian…who also sleeps with guys at weddings and doesn’t call them but shows up a few months later to grab some fame. Nothing wrong with that. She’s carved out a very specific niche.

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

WTA: She’s a psych major who tried to call out Taylor but got confused mid sentence. Our emotions are not in good hands.

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

WTA: Said way more than was warranted with such a short stint on the show. I feel like she’s the kind of person that you quickly learn to tune out the moment she starts talking.

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

WTA: I feel like her boobs were in most of the shots last night. Like, they were sitting right behind Kristina’s face or something. It’s the perfect way to sum up the entire show actually. We were watching Kristina talk about super serious stuff while in the immediate background, two large boobs were just sitting there confusing us.

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

WTA: We knew she was gonna talk. We knew we didn’t want to hear it. We got what we came for.

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.59.56 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.04 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.15 PM.png

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

WTA: Good gracious. That look was something else. You know how when you’re supposed to look at a mirror before leaving the house and removing the first accessory you see because that means it shouldn’t be there? Josephine would’ve showed up to the show naked. I’ll leave it to the fashion recaps my wife reads to go any deeper. But before I go, a few thoughts. Nope, just started writing them and it was mean. Can’t do it. I wish you well and I will look to how wonderful the world is, that there was at least one man who was watching last night and thought, “Josephine is it for me. She’s incredible.” You go girl.

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

WTA: Again, we hear about her struggles and it makes everything else so silly. Things even got a little political. Did all the bachelor fans who also think refugees should be kept out of our country sit there and say, “I like Kristina but i gotta stick to my guns on this one. I think she should’ve stayed in Russia and become a prostitute.” Maybe Chris Harrison is right. Maybe it will be this show that changes the world…

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.45.02 AM.png

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

WTA: Lacey spoke up from the back row and paid the price. Hats off though for taking a risk.

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

It is not goodbye, Rachel it is see you soon. Rachel goes home and is then praised on the WTA stage. She is the most poised crier I have ever seen. She seems pretty great and I’m looking forward to watching what happens on her journey for foreverlove. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Raven remains. A new woman. But she’s now emotionally AND physically tied to this guy. Ask yourself, is Nick the guy you want your life tied to?

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

WTA: Sarah is spunky and manages to say a fair amount without making enemies. She should’ve done more on this show. Here’s hoping she can parlay this experience into some Instagram sponsorships.

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

WTA: You can be right and still lose. The Taylor vs Corinne battle brings back the immortal words of Billy Madison’s principal: “Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

 

Danger! Danger! Vanessa and Nick are pretty similar and I just don’t see how they could work out. I could totally see him going for her though because it’s harder. This gal has cried so much this season. She’s almost left so many times. Best case scenario, I think, would be for Nick to dump Raven and then cut to Vanessa driving to the airport, leaving him alone in the snow. That’s bleak but I’m still in a dark place after 3 hours of Bachelor.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

WTA: Whitney tried to speak last night but unless you were holding a megaphone it wasn’t going to happen.

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Oh crap.

 

That was taxing. I need drive out to a field and just sit there for a while. Maybe bring some Jack in the Box so I don’t get hungry.

g

Week 9 – I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.

What the heck was that? I gave up sugar, carbs, and cheese. The Bachelor is all I have left and they shaft us with a measly hour??? And at least 7 minutes of that hour was taken up by commercials for the TV movie that would steal our joy. If I know one thing about wine it’s that a good cabernet takes at least an hour to really open up.* What were our nations wine drinking women, and wine lover Joe Gerlitz supposed to do at 9:00 last night? If there’s a second thing I know about wine it’s that the tannins aren’t the same when you’re watching “When We Rise”**.

*I made that up

**I don’t know how to spell tannins. Thank you spell check

Andi makes the most of a super forced interaction. Her advice? Sex. As much and as frequent as possible.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.04.47 AM.png

Ironically, the one woman who would not be made love at is the one woman who tried over and over to make it happen. Corinne is left out in the cold with nothing but a fur coat and the 15 pounds she gained on the show to keep her warm. What follows is a super weird goodbye with Nick laughing and Corinne fake-crying? She was making a lot of noises but we didn’t see any tears. It’s like when a toddler has a meltdown in the middle of a store.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.05.45 AM.pngMore on Corinne below.

If New York wasn’t cold enough, the remaining crew headed to Finland where Nick would hide his insecurities in in the comfort of an early 00’s boyband turtleneck.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.06.46 AM.png

Isn’t that just the face you’d like to spend the rest of your life with?

Raven goes first and from the jump we get a peek into her past relationship. Because this is a family blog I’ll sum it up like this. Raven got a lot of …LMNOP from her last lover. We know from past episodes that her ex could thrust but it sounds like the motion in the ocean didn’t amount to a whole lot. To put it another way, picture her ex holding a lighter and running around a firecracker. There’s a lot of action but no boom. If you’ve ever spent 20 minutes setting up a bunch of dominos on the floor and then tipped the first domino and nothing happened, that’s what we’re talking about here. It’s like if a very large man yells “cannonball” and jumps into a pool but then you get a rip entry with zero splash.

This guy gets it.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.08.08 AM.png

 

Raven’s ex is having a rough season. I’m sure somebody has googled him and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are news stations setting up shop on his lawn right now. If not, Foreverlovewins could be first on the scene.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.12.20 AM.png

 

Also, Nick sucks at darts.

Will he find a bullseye with Raven? We have to wait a week to find out. Till then, let’s take a look at how the women did, and remember the color key—ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.53.28 AM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.14.16 AM.png

Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.01.44 AM.png

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Finally, the hammer falls. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.35.37 AM.png

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.59.56 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.04 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.15 PM.png

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.45.02 AM.png

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Rachel was cold this week.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Gosh dang things got awkward last night. And yet, when Raven told Nick how she feels about him it was the most sincere, most charming moment ever. She’s taking a big gulp of wine for courage because that’s what all of us would do when faced with something scary. Raven has a way of making this whole thing seem real. I just wish she wouldn’t keep talking about her history with orgasms. Nick’s sweater is heavy enough. We don’t need that extra pressure. It’s hard to know what to root for here. If you like Raven, do you want her to escape from Nick and a night of physical and emotional attachment? Or do you just want her to win and be happy with this guy? I’d be fine if Chris Harrison drugged her, threw her on a sled pulled by reindeer, and she woke up at the airport in Helsinki.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Vanessa cried and looked cold but she’s moving on. Is she the one? I think she looks most like a Bachelor contestant, but as we’ll find out next week Nick is not traditional. I just don’t see how Vanessa could successfully date anyone outside of her town, not with a family like hers. She needs a French Canadian Italian who can make it to Sunday supper. Case closed. And you know there’s like 1 guy in her entire province that she’s not related to that fits the bill.

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 11.33.08 AM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Oh crap.

Three hours next week and I’m gonna need all of them. Nobody call me between 8 and 11. The wine will be flowing and gosh dang will it have opened up nicely.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 7 – I really, really, really like you.

Happy Valentines day everybody! We’re a day late, but round here, love is forever so there is no time or something sciencey like that.

For those with significant others, I hope you got to 2nd base last night. There’s nothing wrong with a solid double. It might be enough to get Edgar Martinez into the Hall of Fame someday.

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.11.33 AM.png

Sizzling.

For those without significant others I hope your Digornios were scrumptious. And I bet this time next year you’ll be staring at a box of half eaten chocolates and talking yourself into the new Pandora charm bracelet you got last night. “I can pull this off. Plus, it’s cold out for a few more months which means long sleeves. This will totally be ok.”

No matter what your sitch, you are foreverloved here.

When last we spoke, Nick was a shell of a man. Just tears, cowlicks, emotions, and short shorts. Would he stay? Would he go?

Luckily we have chris Harrison, the Nick Whisperer. He hopped on a plane and flew to St. Thomas to talk Nick off the ledge and also probably because he needed a vacation from all the hard work he puts in?

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.14.09 AM.png

 

Nick stays because there is work to be done. He’s got to find the nicest, most stable options to spend his life with and send them packing. Self-sabotage is hard.
Cue the local poor kids playing a sport so our man can show off how tender and athletic he is. Did they bring those kids in from L.A.? We should have a watchdog look for them on all the sitcoms that are losing steam and need to add a kid for the last few seasons.

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.01.40 AM.png

Quick theory: Normally our bachelors have balconies to stand on and look into the distance for answers. I don’t remember seeing Nick standing on anything or looking out at anything. Maybe that’s why he’s crying so much. The guy needs a release. And not the kind that comes from a garlicy Floridian that somehow adds a subtle “n” sound to every word she says.Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.16.10 AM.png

Maybe Bimini will shed some light on things. Nick just needs a change of scenery.Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.21.53 AM.png

That’ll do it.

Let’s get into the ladies, see how they enjoyed the island life. Remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.53.28 AM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

Corinne is losing it. For the first time she’s feeling a little insecure and when you back Corinne into a corner she fights with the only weapon she’s got. Her platinum vagine. I feel like she should have a doctor look at that. Every adjective in Corinne’s vocabulary means the same thing. “I wanted to do something _____ for Nick” always means sex. Corinne is a 24 year old Joan Callamezo.

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.29.55 AM.png

I’d say it’s 80/20 she has nude paintings of herself hanging in her McMansion in the next 20 years. Scary. But she’s still here, for now. Nick is so unpredictable.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.01.44 AM.png

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Finally, the hammer falls. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.35.37 AM.png

That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.59.56 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.04 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.15 PM.png

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.45.02 AM.png

Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Rachel is my new front runner. Smart, normal, the right amount of sass. And I believe that Nick is shallow enough to pick his foreverlove, the person he will live with FOREVER, because she is black and he cares that much about what people think. Like, it’s weird to say this but I think every time he introduces Rachel to people he’ll have a look on his face that says, “yes I am open minded enough to be in a bi-racial relationship.” Also, bi-racial relationships are super in right now. Watch any commercial for a home loan. If Rachel doesn’t win, this could be ABC’s chance to have it’s first black bachelorette. I think she’d be wonderful, and not for all the reasons I just listed about Nick. Rachel is cool.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Raven wins the group date and we are guaranteed to see her hometown. I’m still shocked but man she is lovable. It’s so hard not to root for Raven but I know I have to because I don’t want her to end up with Nick. The girl was in law school but moved home to take care of her sick father. It just gets better and better with Raven. If Nick doesn’t walk into the Atlantic next week and never come back out, it’ll be super interesting to see where Raven comes from.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Ouch. If you drop “I love you” and don’t hear, “I love you too” it is just the worst. There is only one exception.

Screen Shot 2017-02-15 at 10.56.53 AM.png

Speaking of love, I am not really in love with Nessy. She seems really one note to me, like a soup. But for the moment, she’s still here. You’d think she’d be a favorite but we know nothing because Nick’s emotions are all over the place.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Oh crap.

Who will Nick visit during his hometown dates??? Will we even have them??? So many questions. It looks like we’ll eventually get somewhere really cold and I can’t wait.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 6 – Cats have nine lives. Bitches have two.

 

Wow. After the carnage we just witnessed I hope all of you are ok. Take a moment and tell those closest to you that you love them.

A whopping SIX women went home as Nick is starting to become unraveled. The poor guy is closed for biz, literally. His mouth has never opened but now he can barely keep his eyes open. At this point, bouncy castles and hot tubs are so far in the rearview mirror. Nick’s life has been reduced to one conversation that’s repeated with a rotating cast of insecure Instagram models. When was the last time this guy frenched? He’s about one more private dinner away from begging for the cold hand of death. Somebody call New Orleans and cue up the Second Line.

Nick needs a twin. Could you imagine the charisma you’d get with two of this guy?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.48.05 AM.png

Somebody to come in, throw on some short shorts and the whitest shoes anyone has worn since every Manhattan secretary in the 80s.

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.31.28 AM.png

And gosh dang if Volleyball isn’t the killer of dreams. I should know, I used to wreck fools in Seattle’s co-ed recreational volleyball leagues. Ask around, they’ll tell you.

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.37.28 AM.png

Yep.

We haven’t seen Volleyball cause that kind of pain since Maverick and Goose embarressed Ice-man and the other guy nobody remembers.

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.41.59 AM.png

What’s Anthony Edwards gotta be thinking when they go to shoot that scene and the producers are like, “Ok, everything looks great guys. The oil is really reading on camera. Just one thing, Anthony we’re gonna have you put your shirt back on em’kay? Trust us, it’s for your character’s development.” Knowing Goose is going to die has to be a bummer for Anthony but this was way worse. For all we know, Goose was supposed to survive but Edwards was just so sad and ashamed about the tee shirt that he willed the eject hatch to malfunction, killing his character and forever changing Top Gun for all of us. And that’s the power of volleyball.

It also appears that 6 weeks is about enough time for all the women to synch up their cycles. I’m just saying, that might have something to do with the emotions this week. And yes, that includes Nick’s tears. Even money he’s got a vagina under those little shorts.

AAAAAAND, let’s transition. See how the women did. Remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.53.28 AM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

Corinne survived Taylor’s ferocity and truth telling. You have to tip your cap. Like she said, “Cats have nine lives, bitches have two.” This woman has more catch phrases than early 90’s SNL.

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 10.56.32 AM.png

We got to hear Corinne talk about how nice it is to have a maid around to bring her food and wash her clothes while meanwhile, Kristina was getting real about eating lipstick and escaping a life of prostitution. This show is unreal. This world is unreal. Next week looks like some low-cut sweater with strategic tape and maybe some 4 base bedroom stuff. Yikes.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.01.44 AM.png

And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Danielle tried to play volleyball. She did not wear makeup. Her hair didn’t have the same bounce and wiggle. She’s just a great woman caught in the middle of the ridiculous(ly awesome) hunger games of foreverlove. My advice? sneak off down the beach and make an S.O.S. signal out of large rocks. Hop back to the hospital and look into the eyes of children. It’s where innocence lives.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 11.59.56 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.04 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.00.15 PM.png

The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

In a highly charged up episode it was Kristina’s story that grounded the whole thing. It’s hard to complain about having to drink shots and play volleyball on a tropical beach while Kristina is telling us how her mother abandoned her when she was like 6 years old for eating lipstick. Kristina’s story is amazing and gosh dang it’s nice to see some genuine goodness on this show. That said, how funny would it have been if Nick had not given her a rose after that? It would’ve unleashed a full on campaign to get Corinne to the final so the two of them could live on as America’s worst, most hilarious couple. Kristina has come a long way in her life and I hope she can escape this show to find real love with a good man. Big fan, Kristina.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Rachel is baaaaarely holding it together. She’s like, one shot away from leaving. Like, if the humidity gets above 95% she is gone. I’ve never rooted so hard for barometrics. (That’s probably not the right weather science but it’s all I know).

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Raven started to crack this week but because Raven is Raven she did it with class and charm. She also did it in a yellow outfit I didn’t understand at all. It was like pants but also a dress but also a cape but also wings. I’m not 100% convinced she didn’t have it on backwards. If that was dropped off at my room without instruction I probably would’ve worn it upside down. This game is hard.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Vanessa is lost. Lost in emotion. Lost in what looks like a wetsuit bra. I feel like she’s either gonna win this thing, leave and break Nick’s heart, or become the next bachelorette. One thing’s for sure, she isn’t going to play any more volleyball.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

Screen Shot 2017-02-07 at 12.21.30 PM.png

Oh crap.

Has Nick given up? As incredible as that would be I think we’re in for more mumbling next week. Take these next 6 days to gather yourselves and we’ll see you back here soon.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 5 – A relationship built on whip cream and lies.

Thank the heavens we have The Bachelor in this, the most uneventful time in American history. Few quick, important notes:

  1. This is a Sanctuary Blog
  2. We didn’t get a super good look at the voodoo doll Corinne made but don’t worry, I care enough about you all that I went back and got a good screen shot.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 11.41.51 AM.png

…we should be fiiiiiiiine.

Sorry about the politics. I just know that many of you choose to get your news here and I hold that responsibility with the upmost respect. Thank you for allowing me to display my emotional intelligence. As Susan B Anthony famously said, “Let us never devalue our intellegency.”

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 12.09.08 PM.png

Never realized just how fun a lady Susan B. Anthony must’ve been.

“Hey, who’s coming to brunch on Saturday?”

“I think it’s Rico, H-Bone, and…Susan.”

“Oh man….I mean, she’s wonderful and she’s done so much for women it’s just…”

“She sucks at brunch.”

“She sucks at brunch.”

That was a play I just wrote. It’s called “Brunch”.

MOVING ON.

Will New Orleans ever recover from the image of Nick eating that beignet? I know Katrina was bad, but this was next level. The second most famous haunted house in Louisiana should be Nick’s mouth.

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 12.13.15 PM.png

And what do we know about the Big Easy that we didn’t before?

  • Dudes are amazing at jumping into boats there.
  • Voodoo priests and priestesses are really holding onto the fedora.
  • Dead little girls have no idea how expensive crystalline chandeliers can be. Not cool, Mae.

Enough about New Orleans, let’s get to the women. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

Have you ever gotten up in the morning, showered, put on yesterday’s jeans, gotten on the bus, found a seat crammed between two strangers, looked down, and seen yesterday’s underwear falling out of the pant leg? Me neither. But that is Alexis. She has no business being there but she is hanging the H on.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

At this point, don’t you have to start rooting for Corinne to win? If Nick’s gonna keep her around, he deserves a life of pure frustration and pain. She talks like she’s drunk only I think she’s just too lazy to finish her words. She eats a lot of bad carbs. She’s the kind of pretty that suggests a certain POTUS took a trip to Miami Beach in the early 90s and may have forgotten the condoms when he went to the strip club. I was only in middle school at the time but with MTV’s sex in the 90’s I’m surprised anyone would have unprotected relations back then. Also, the worst bullies are the bullies that think they’re victims. Maybe lets look at the positives of Corinne. If you’re on a date you’ll never have to dance around ordering an extra side of mac and cheese. There, that’s it. Apart from that, Corinne is the worst.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Looks like Double Ls’ double ls are also afraid of ghosts. It was a very tame week for Danielle both in the personality and wardrobe departments. Still, it’s nothing that will hold her back. She remains a bigtime frontrunner to sail to the fantasy suites. And because Nick believes the definition of “honesty” is saying anything that comes into your mind, I could see him telling her that he’s keeping her around for some casual lovemaking.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

The end is nigh. You can see it in the way the kiss each other. I believe Nick wants to like Danielle M but sometimes what’s best isn’t what’s best. She’s the kind of gal that’s perfect on paper and you know some dude will have a wonderful life with her, but you’re just not that dude. Picture life with Corinne. Then bounce it back to a life with Danielle M. Nick is just built for sadness. Danielle M. is a walking lifestyle blog. She could do anything in the world she wants that includes hosting a fixer show on HGTV.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Jamie is like one of those old magic posters. I just don’t see it.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.50.30 PM.png

In fact, apologies if there’s like a wiener in this or something. I literally don’t see it.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Jasmine would not be into this at all.

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.48.51 PM.png

Something tells me that’s a deal breaker for Nick. I feel like he’s into the Righteous Brothers, kind of like the way Rebecca was on Cheers.

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.49.33 PM.png

 

Gosh what happened to Kirstie Alley? I had a massive crush on her and it just so happened I had a crush on a girl that looked like a 5th grade version of her, named Kristie. Similar.

Short story long, Jasmine isn’t into Ghosts.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine is like getting home, opening up a bag of fast food, and realizing they forgot the McChicken sandwich. You’re deflated when you see it and it wasn’t really that good anyway. I’m sure the producers like her but she’s not for me.Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.47.51 PM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

She nodded in approval when her name was listed on the group date. It was the least notable thing out of Russia in months.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Another gal who’s too good for Nick. I’m hoping this is a months-long advertisement for how great she is, that she won’t be engaged at the end of this, and that she gets on with what will be a great life. She can dance. She has relatable stories. Her dad is a super intimidating judge. When has that not been fun?

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.46.24 PM.png

Rachel is a lock for a hometown.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Raven is super charming, even when she’s surrounded by haunted dolls. On a show many people say isn’t 100% genuine, Raven is as real as it gets. She’s also the most comfortable person in her own skin ever to be associated with this thing. Last night she told Nick she loves him IN THE MOST GENUINE WAY POSSIBLE! She let it slip! And she played it off like a champion. How genuine is Raven?

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 4.56.30 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 5.01.20 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Another quiet week from Nessy. It pays to be a pretty brunette this season.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Whitney says nothing and yet she comes away with the first rose given out at the ceremony. Has she been sandbagging this whole time? Just riding her pilates instructor good looks? We’ve got to see more soon because she is getting zero screen time. Is it any wonder we are all confused? Seems like a theme for this season.

And we’re done!…kind of. What will happen with Taylor and Corinne?? Will Corinne get the boot to start next week’s ep? And man there are a lot of tears to look forward too. Nick is cracking. It might be because he sucks and the women are tired of it. We’ll see.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 4 – Everywhere I turn it’s poop.

 

As the saying goes, every good pool party with one man and 15 women must come to an end. That’s just real life. You know there’s a super uptight Californian mom who’s watching this and looking outside at the bouncy house she got for little Xander’s 4th birthday party and wondering if it’s damp with Corinne.

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 10.25.47 AM.png

Surely they hose those things down she’ll think. But it’s not enough. Sorry Xander but no bouncing for you. Instead you and your Montessori friends will spend your day be enjoying macha tea and essential oils while sitting quietly on artisan wicker lawn furniture. Please parents, don’t bring anything made of peanuts. Also, no trans fats.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 10.24.02 AM.png

Cue the rose ceremony. Does Nick want a woman or does he want a monster? Turns out he wants both. Now that that’s settled it’s off to…Wisconsin!!!!  Did the women have to get themselves worked up to yell, “MILWAUKEEEEE” at the airport? Nobody has ever been that excited at Southwest Airline’s Milwaukee gate.

From there it’s just a stone’s throw to Waukesha, which Wikipedia describes as, “nothing but dense virgin forest and wild prairie” when it was settled. As we learned from Nick’s tour of the town, there’s nothing virgin about Waukesha anymore. Because when a woman is co-dating a man with 15 other Instagram models it’s her dream to lay down on a grass hill in the rain and hear about how Nick had sex for the first time within rolling distance.

Few other quick hits:

  • Nick has added a nasal affect to his mystery lisp. It’s like when you’re eating soup you don’t like and you’re bummed because there’s nothing to do but spoon your way out of the disappointment but then at the bottom of the bowl there’s a cat poop.
  • Nick’s mom is really sticking with that 1995 styling. Everything about her look is sharp. The hair, the jewelry, the jacket, the nose ring. She drove a Prelude to the coffee shop and listened to Damn I wish I was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins. Nick’s dad is soft as a cotton ball. Love is wonderful.
  • It is a hard time for the man that loves progressive politics but hates musicals. Nothing to do with the show, it’s just my own struggle seeping into this blog.

Oh, and we also kicked a door in, looked a vagina square in the face and beat a naked man senseless with a stiletto just seconds after he was “thrusting”.

For those who didn’t watch, it’s like this: (Children, get permission before viewing)

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 12.03.15 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 12.00.57 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 12.02.22 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 12.00.20 PM.png

Up until now the most interesting thing about one-on-one dinners is how they never eat the food. The bar has forever been raised to “I know what her vagina looks like” levels. Riveting television, delivered by a person who I only like more now. Some people are just the best.

Let’s see how the women did in America’s cheese factory. Spoiler alert: Medical emergencies. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

Somehow she survived the rose ceremony. When she finally does get kicked off, she and Nick will high five and there will be no tears shed.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

We got zero Astrid this week. I guess ABC thinks the legend of her sports bra is lasting enough to get us through a few weeks.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

 

Again, I could write an entire blog about this woman. She is obviously the worst. I feel like the producers sat her down and told her to riff. Instead of taking the top two or three sound bites, they went with 100 of them. Do they not think we realize how much Corinne sucks? Are there people who are on the fence about her? This week she couldn’t do farm chores because she said her fingers were about to fall off. It was a legit medical emergency. Oh, and she also claimed to have a panic attack. Corinne’s evilness has jumped the shark…dolphin??…no, it’s a shark. She’s jumped the shark. It’s like if after de-wiener’ing Theon Grayjoy, Ramsey Bolton refused to “shovel the poopy” because of a serious hand situation.

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 10.49.37 AM.png

It’s just too much. You had us at de-wiener’ing. Corinne needs to take it down a notch, or maybe pass out into that little fire outside of the barn. If Corinne lasts maybe two more weeks I will turn on Nick and totally start rooting for her to go all the way because you reap what you sew.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Double L’s was back in FULL EFFECT. The cleavage was overwhelming and we actually got to see what it did to Nick. Go back and watch his eyes while Danielle was telling him about her family. He can’t keep his eyes open. Was he bored? I don’t think so. I think his eyes were exhausted from trying not to look at Danielle’s boobs. His body was fully awake but it’s like his eyes had a killer workout.

Later, Danielle has to dance at a private concert with a man who looks exactly like the lead singer of the band we’ve never heard of before. Nick called it a “bucket list moment”. That makes it even more hilarious.

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 10.57.20 AM.png

Nick is super intrigued by Danielle L. Super intrigued if he can keep her around for the fantasy suites.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Danielle M walks like she’s on a go-see (yes i watched the first cycle or two of America’s Next Top Model). She seems very put together which is great if you’re a person in real life but I wonder if she lacks the spunk to capture Nick’s heart and also the spunk to be the next bachelorette. Danielle M belongs in the real world, or maybe in a Pantene Pro V commercial. Great haircut. She’s too good for the show and I think even Nick senses it.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Jaimi can milk a cow really well. I feel like there’s some kind of analogy there but everything about Jaimi is super confusing to me. I might have to go back and ask my Dad to re-have “the talk” with me.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Jasmine doesn’t like the farm. But that’s just her being herself. It’s Jasmine not Jasyours, ya know?

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

The embodiment of awkwardness goes to Wisconsin. She wears white pants to the poopshow. She’s also friends with Corinne. Josephine strikes me as somebody you don’t want to watch a movie with. Feel like she’d ask a ton of questions about what’s happening and who’s who, and she’d do it really loudly in the theater, and she’d sing her questions, and none of that would seem weird to her. It’s settled. I will not be going to the movies with Josephine.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

Well look at that! Kristina has a personality and it’s actually kind of cool. She calls out Corinne as only somebody with a Russian accent can. I picture Kristina escaping the eastern block in the trunk of an old VW bug or something. She’s seen things and a whiney, spoiled little B isn’t going to intimidate her. Loved it. AND she got the group date rose. The Bible talks a lot about justice. I think this is what it was referring to.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Not a ton from Rachel this week but Nick gives her big time validation. She’s gotta have a one one one next week. Book it in your ESPN fantasy apps.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Gosh dang, Raven came out of nowhere. This girl is awesome. Smart, very aware of herself, funny, brave, sweet, and as she accurately assessed of herself, “kinda cute”. Could Raven be the next Bachelorette? Could she win this thing? Seriously, who’s better than Raven so far? If she doesn’t win I could see her sticking around L.A. and hosting a show on Bravo or something. She’s got a refreshing charisma. I didn’t think she had a shot in H but now I’m all in on Raven. Quick note: Nick is too good at roller skating. The dude is FLUID at the rink and he didn’t go for roller blades. He’s a crossover machine in roller skates. That’s a very important distinction. The only way someone gets that good is by joining a rollerskating team, which is hilarious. Someone find pics of Nick from the mid 90s on rollerskating. Thinking spandex top with a silver chain on the outside. Justin Timberlake frosted permanent.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Sarah continues to coast and be cute but I just don’t think it’s enough. She’s gotta make a move soon. She needs a one on one.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

Taylor is the kind of mental health professional that has a secret room that’s accessed behind a bookshelf and bad stuff goes on back there. I thought she was totally justified in how she dealt with Corinne but that doesn’t mean she’s got weird stuff in that room I just mentioned. If you see Taylor, don’t follow her back to her house.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Vanessa chilled in the background this week while we were fed two hours of Corinne being terrible. Vanessa is a front runner but is she too serious for Nick? Put her up against Raven and who’s more fun? I could see Vanessa being the next Bachelorette because she’s a strong, loud, Italian woman that would draw a ton of seriously douchey dudes.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Whitney is this season’s Samantha. She’s pretty. She never talks. She’ll get booted soon and clean up on Bachelors in Paradise, but not before mentally effing with most of the dudes there.

And we’re done! What will happen next week? Violence? How sweet would it be if Corinne punched Taylor and had to go home? I’d love to the MTV’s The Challenge rules enforced on this show. Here’s hoping.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 3 – I made Corinne great again.

Hi, I’m Graeme and I just spent the night with the Backstreet Boys, the Vomit Comet, three Olympians, a bouncy house, a can of whip cream, and a trench coat. This is my life. This is what our grandfathers fought so hard for in WWII.

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 1.54.02 PM.png

Thanks guys, have some Ovaltine on us.

And yet, this machine isn’t flowing like it should. Right now it’s like a crew boat where 7 of the 8 dudes are rowing hard and one of them is eating cheese pasta and doesn’t know how to wake up in the morning or make his bed and yet he tells people that he runs a multi-million-dollar company. Being on a crew boat is cool but being on that crew boat is a nightmare. It’s like this one time I was with my buddy Bdix at the Seahawks super bowl celebration parade. We were standing there for hours in the cold, packed so tight with thousands of other people that I couldn’t raise my arms up to scratch my nose. Of course because it’s life, I had some serious gas and had been dealing with it the only way I know how…for three hours. When the Seahawks went by we all yelled and then it was time to go. I turned around and behind me, at butt level was an 8 or 9 year old girl. How long had she been there? This poor little thing in her Seahawks scarf and beanie had come out for the sights and sounds of her favorite team, for the pomp and circumstance. But that’s not at all what happened. One stupid a$$ can ruin something beautiful.

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 2.57.12 PM.png

One more thing. Can we get somebody to figure out what is wrong with Nick’s mouth? Bachelor super-fan Joe Gerlitz asked me if Nick has his wisdom teeth taken out the morning of every show. It’s a legit question. Is his beard also growing inward?

Remember Brady? the dude that fake-dated Brie a few seasons ago?

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 2.58.32 PM.png

Yeah, this friggin guy. Brady spoke like someone that treats every syllable as something to be cherished, something tender. It was the worst. Nick is the anti-Brady. Maybe he doesn’t care enough about what he’s saying that he just gives up half way through each of his words. Watch the guy chew gum. He chews gum with his mouth open but he talks with his mouth closed. I don’t get it! But that’s why we get together after watching, to try and understand this whole thing together.

Let’s get to the women and see if there’s anything there. And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

I couldn’t be the bachelor because I can’t make out with girls I’m not into. Also I’m married and 38. Sorry, Alexis. Not my type.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

If you can’t beat em, just wear the least effective sports bra you can find. You won’t come in first but you’ll win in the end. Note: winning is defined by sitting in a hot tub in the clothes you just worked out in. Nick is into Astrid and I could see her jogging her way into the fantasy suites.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Not a ton from Brittany this week. We learned that she likes to be athletic but that she’s not all that great at running, jumping, or throwing. On the positive side, that headshot of hers has to be the best photo she’s ever taken. Good job Brittany!

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Christen wins the group date rose from last week but we don’t get to see it handed out. If you’re Christen you’ve gotta be bummed watching it now because that was probably one of the only real highlights of the experience and it didn’t even make the cut. Sidenote: Christen likes to wear fancy earrings with her sweatpants. I don’t understand that. That’s all.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

 

I mean gosh dang it Corinne is just the absolute worst. I feel like she’s the product of some brutal parenting but I just. With all of the horror, the thing that sticks out most to me is that Corinne likes eating salad with garlic powder. Think about how suffocatingly smothering she is and think about how much garlic she eats. That is just no way to live. Don’t know if anybody else noticed the Secret Vacations commercials during the broadcast last night but Corinne is totally the target for that kind of thing. She’ll honeymoon to one of those places at least 3 times—each sadder than the last. Corinne talks about not being a cry baby because she isn’t the center of attention WHILE SHE’S CRYING ABOUT NOT BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. Were any of us surprised when she said, “I just made Corinne great again”? Her idea of doing something cute and creating some mystery is to show up in a trench coat with barely anything on underneath and letting Nick lick whip cream off her boobs. A mystery is not watching somebody murder someone else with a lead pipe in a study, it’s about finding clues along the way. And where was Corinne hoping that little episode would lead if she wasn’t satisfied with where it stopped? Did she want to have sex with Nick out there in the driveway? Thank the good Lord for Raquel. Speaking  of…

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.01.10 PM.png

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was no rose ceremony but the chemistry between Nick and Raquel the nanny didn’t seem really hot. Lot of intrigue though in the scenes for next week. Everybody’s talking about Raquel. Will she get a rose out of this whole thing? No sey.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Double L’s can dance. Add that to her resume. This gal is gonna be here for the long haul.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Danielle M took a back seat this week and let somebody else hero for a little bit. But she’s gotta be back next week to join in the fight against Corinne.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-17 at 3.02.28 PM.png

The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Jaimi sticks around and apart from Alexis, seems like the woman least likely to have a shot at this thing. But what do I know? I’ve never dated a former lesbian while also dating 20+ other woman.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

Oops. I thought Jasmine G was a professional basketball player. Turns out she’s a professional basketball dancer. And dance she did—not well enough to win the group date rose, but still. Feels like she’s close to going home. I think she got the last available rose.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

If you didn’t stick around for the little extra bit of Bachelor they give us after the episode you missed one of the most awkward moments in franchise history. Josephine made up a song and then over-sang it to Nick, loud enough so the other women could hear. I feel like this show works you out only instead of building muscle it builds tolerance to awkwardness. If somebody happened to wander into the room having never seen this show and watched Josephine singing, he or she would have the same physical and mental reaction that someone who just casually dropped into a crossfit class on his her way home from Pizza Hut would have. And here’s the crazy thing. Josephine thought it went off without a hitch. Josephine is Jan Levinson singing Son of a Preacher Man at her Under Mifflin baby shower.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

I’m running out of ways to say that Kristina sat and did nothing. Like, look at yourself right now. You’re sitting and basically doing nothing. Now imagine that you are Russian. boom. Kristina.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

A nice bit of Rachel this week. Nick called her mature which is interesting because she hasn’t done anything. But that’s what happens when you’re surrounded with crazy people. The normals are elevated. That said, I feel like Rachel is pretty legit and that she’ll be around as at least a top 6 contestant. If it doesn’t work out with Nick, is America ready for it’s first Black Bachelorette??

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

Raven didn’t say much this week but when she did it sounded really southern. Like, really southern.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Sarah is coasting. But that’s a dangerous way to play. She’s gotta do something to stand out before Nick gets to deep with the other women. Don’t waste this opportunity! (to ruin your life)

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

Taylor continues to swear. She also wore a necklace that attached as a belly chain. Did the women all bring this crazy jewelry from home or is ABC puncking us with it’s wardrobe team? Also, Taylor is pretty but in her headshot would you really be shocked if it talked and a man’s voice came out?

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Yes! Vanessa gets the power by being cool and normal on a date and then isn’t afraid to use  it by calling out Nick on how he’s acting with Corinne. She’s too good for this show and hopefully she knows it. Maybe this will start a Juan Pablo type thing where the women all start taking off.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

Whitney has not talked this entire show. She just kind of walks around with the quiet confidence of a pilates instructor. We could all learn from Whitney. If Vanessa does leave, Astrid will take her place as the pretty, tall, brunette. If Astrid leaves, Whitney is waiting in the wings.

Gosh, still so many women. Let’s have an episode that ends with a rose ceremony. A little normal could do us all some good.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 2 – No one has ever grabbed my boobs like that. No one ever will.

What’s that? 22 women running out to see a car? At this point a man like me has to wonder if this is a woman’s show. It’s like a hurricane of sports bras, choker necklaces, and validation.

And it looks like Nick is suffering from the same challenges. He’s like a factory worker standing behind a conveyor belt of lips and tongue. It’s all he can do to keep up without looking bored. Like all factory workers, he’s not doing a great job at it.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.52.01 PM.png

That fabulous photographer from the wedding photoshoot could show up and ask to steal Nick and he wouldn’t even notice.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.34.56 PM.png

Speaking of, this guy was fantastic. The outfit was the best we’ve seen from group date extras, and keep in mind we’ve had multiple sex gurus on the show. But the best thing about him was what he whispered to one of the women to get her to loosen up. “I know you from before time.” I heard that and without thinking, looked for somebody to make out with. Luckily, my wife was sitting next to me.

Let’s nip this in the bud while we’re still wearing clothes.

The ABC producers are giving us characters with all the subtlety of an 8th grader making fart noises with his armpit.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.24.42 PM.png

We’ve got a perfect villain in Corinne and a perfect hero in Danielle M. For what it’s worth, we also have an imperfect lesbian.

And of course there is Liz, who could teach a class on how to get kicked off before a rose ceremony. It would be called, “What Not to Doula”.Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.39.25 PM.png

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.40.50 PM.png

Thank you.

OH! Quick thing before we see how our ladies did. Last week I told you about my 11 year old friend Avery. She was going in for brain surgery and the outlook was pretty grim. I’m so happy to say that even the doctors were amazed at how successful it all went. They never thought they’d be able to get much if any of the tumor and they got 100% of it without any side effects. Thanks to everybody who prayed for little Avery and her family and who sent thoughts and love. It’s a good time to be alive.

Back to it! And remember the key, ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.21 PM.png

You can take the girl out of the shark costume but you can’t make this joke work. Alexis doesn’t know what a shotgun wedding is. Something tells me there’s a lot of things Alexis doesn’t know. Fun girl though. No chance to win but she could be this year’s Vinny. Maybe end up on Bachelors in Paradise, petting what she thinks is a dolphin only to lose her hand.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.29 PM.png

We didn’t get much Astrid this week. Was she on the breakup group date? Probably. Not the most charismatic woman out there so for now she blends in with the brown haired girls. Next.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.38 PM.png

Brittany has the courage to go topless but lacks the neck to pull it off. It was just face, hair, belly button, foliage. It’s not all bad to have courage but no neck. Gimli gets it.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 1.05.48 PM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.48 PM.png

Every season has its commentator. The girl or guy that has no shot at winning but sticks around long enough to tell all the viewers what’s happening. Qualifications: Expressive eyes. That’s it. Christen is this season’s storyteller. Look for her to get really nervous because she’s the only one not kissing Nick.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.44.56 PM.png

Corinne makes for a great villain. She’s got the toplessness of Courtney the Model (Ben someone’s season). She’s got the, “Don’t let them steal my spark(le)” of Tiara (Sean’s season maybe). She speaks in the third person like Olivia from Ben Higgins’s season and she’s from Florida like Vienna (Jake Pavelka).

Corinne will watch the game with you and even wear a jersey but before the first timeout she’ll ask if it’s almost over. Corinne will “forget” to wear a bra when she meets your dad for the first time. Corinne will boo your niece’s elementary school play. Corinne will cook salmon in the office microwave and say to everybody, “Corinne needs her fish oils. It’s nothing personal and the sooner we get over that, the better.” Corinne is the worst.

And where does she go from here? She’s already made him grab her boobs in front of all the other women and that visionary photographer. I know they didn’t have sex but still, that felt like going to 5th base.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.02 PM.png

Didn’t get a ton of Double L’s this week but that’s ok because we pretty much saw it all last week. Cleavage.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.08 PM.png

Danielle M is like every character played by Hailey Duff in every bad(good) Hallmark Christmas movie. Everybody loves her and if that wasn’t enough she had a fiancé who not only hid a drug addiction from her but also died before they could get married. If Danielle wasn’t flying in a helicopter she’d be tied to some railroad tracks. She’s like an old school damsel in distress. Unless she launches into full Sanderson Poe territory we’ve got a really great person on our hands.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 2.15.13 PM.png

Danielle has a kind of Tea Leoni way about her and she’s way too good for Nick. I hope she’s the next bachelorette. Or, maybe instead of that she doesn’t look for love on TV and ends up meeting a nice guy in real life. Who’s the best looking nice guy you know? That’s who Danielle M. should be with. He’s probably an architect or the cool teacher at the high school.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.15 PM.png

We know nothing about this girl other than her parents are big time  Atlanta Hawks fans.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 2.18.43 PM.png That’s for all people that love this blog and also followed the NBA in the 80’s and 90s. Big crossover.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.21 PM.png

Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.28 PM.png

The other Elizabeth.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.37 PM.png

Hailey looks like somebody Nick would be into. Kind of like a 90’s super model. She’s like Niki Taylor’s distant, more Canadian cousin. Hailey hasn’t done a ton yet but if she shows up and has fun on group dates it could be enough to carry her for a month or two.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.45.44 PM.png

Jaimi used to date women. That might of been a bigger bombshell if Liz didn’t blow everything up earlier in the night, or if Jaimi didn’t look exactly like someone who has dated women before.

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.38 PM.png

A WNBA basketball player with movie star good looks. If Nick is open to defying this show’s history, Jasmine could be around for a while. Who knows what Nick is thinking? No seriously, i can’t understand him when he talks. I’m asking you if you know what Nick is thinking.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.44 PM.png

Josephine looks like the most popular girl in your high school if you graduated in 1994.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.53 PM.png

She’s a Russian dental hygienist with all the effervescence of a Russian dental hygienist.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.46.58 PM.png

Lacey is the exact middle of this thing. She’s a blonde Astrid. Lacey will walk down the steps of the bachelors in paradise resort and people will wonder if she’s like a camera woman or if she’s working craft service. Jared’s gonna ask her for a virgin daiquiri and then be really embarrassed. She’ll ask him out anyway. Ashly will not handle it well at all.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.16 PM.png

Our first impression winner didn’t get a lick of screen time this week. But not to worry, she’ll be around while Nick trims the fat. Speaking of fat, I never knew how unhealthy lamb is. We roasted a leg of lamb last night. It took hours, everything I’m wearing at work smells like lamb, and there was a good half inch of lard left over on the roasting pan when I went to clean it before bed. Lamb is a liar.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.24 PM.png

I didn’t even know Raven got a rose. At first look, Raven seems small towny and naive but then she hits us with some truth about how Nick is shallow and maybe not awesome. I could get used to some Raven.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.29 PM.png

Sarah stayed cute without too much focus on her this week. It’s an important quality in a show’s winner. Almost as important as not leaving the bachelor to wonder if you’re actually breaking up with him, Liz. Right now, Sarah is my pick to win it all. Just a hunch.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.50 PM.png

Taylor is super smart but I fell like she swears a lot which is just kind of weird. If there’s a group of 7 gals who could all make the final 4, Taylor is in it. She studies the mentally unstable and Nick is the bachelor. Taylor has the upper hand.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.47.57 PM.png

Vanessa is pretty but she didn’t really pull off that 80’s bridal gown. It might’ve been the headpiece. Maybe too much for anyone. Still, Vanessa is on to Nick’s game. She’s already talking about bolting. Run, Vanessa!

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-10 at 12.48.03 PM.png

AND FINALLY!!!!!!!! we are at Whitney who hasn’t had more than 2 minutes of total airtime so far. Classic pilates instructor am i right?

That was so many women. My fingers are sweating and it smells like lamb. Looking forward to next week when Nick either boots some girls off or they leave on their own.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 1 -Back in the thaddle

Foreverlove is in the air and America’s Lisp is back in the thaddle. We’ve seen Nick enough that it should be clear whether or not his speech impediment is caused by Invisalines but dangit if those dentists aren’t sneaky. Still no confirmation.
In a world that seems pretty shaky right now at least we know that if you’re dedicated to the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, Vigo will eventually reward you with a 4th chance to win foreverlove.

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 10.12.48 AM.png

Don’t know Vigo? Go home and watch Ghostubusters II.

This season we start off with 29 hopeful women and one shark. Men still don’t know what to do with their eyes when cleavage enters a room.

Jobs are funny. Somebody woke up in Hollywood, got dressed, prepared breakfast, fought traffic, grabbed a camera, laid down on a bathroom floor and shot up at Nick Viall as he supposedly got naked and stepped into a shower. Another person got paid to put a giant black censor bar over Nick’s entire midsection. Like, they toyed around with different censor bars in After Effects for a few hours, presented to their boss, ate lunch, and then went home like it was a normal day.

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 11.43.39 AM.png

After showering with at least one camera man, Nick gets advice from some recent bachelors.

  • Where’s Jason Meznik? I know you have to be 21 to get into a bar but is there such a place where you can’t sit down if you’re too old?
  • Sean Lowe looked kind of like when you break your arm and after wearing a cast for 6 months your arm has shrunk and it’s kind of yellowish. He looked like he got into that machine Captain America went in only he hit the reverse button on accident. I feel like he’s a long weekend without sunscreen and one bad month of eating away from looking normal. Nice guy though.

Before the limos come we get to know a few ladies.

  • Corrine has a nanny and refers to herself in the third person. You could choose to hate her or you could chose to believe that the world is a wonderful place because somebody out there will love this woman. (not Nick)
  • Raven may be the hottest thing going in small town Arkansas but this game is too big for her.
  • Daniele M. is perfect.
  • Rachael dances and sings with a vacuum that probably isn’t hers.
  • Taylor rides a bike in Myrtle Edwards park with the worlds shortest shorts. Seattleites don’t do short shorts.
  • There’s a Jersey Shore chick who is painful. We are not surprised.

With that, Nick is ready to receive his future. Let’s take a quick look at the limo arrivals.

Daniele L and her boobs are first out of the limo. From now on, she will be known as Double Ls.

Elizabeth is next. She’s a marketing manager and her dress looks like something a figure skater would wear. “Oooooh, she doubled it.” – Every figure skater announcer ever
Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 11.46.30 AM.png

Rachel is the attorney we met in Dallas. She leads with a fantasy football thing which comes across as a little try-hard.

Christen comes out bold and loud in a yellow dress. When she talks her jaw stays shut. It’s a start but I kind of wish she’d go all the way and just be quiet.

Taylor is appropriately pretty and from Seattle which gives her a leg up. Seattle owns this show. But then she tells Nick that her friends hate him. We wait for a “just kidding” but get nothing but awkward silence. You can feel the cameraman wince, and this is probably the same guy who’s spent a morning looking up at Nick’s taint. He’s seen awkward things. This is awkward.

Kristina is an ethnic dental hygienist. Russian maybe? She’ll go on to get really nervous and cry at the rose ceremony. There’s something off-putin about a shaky Russian. Rimshot laugh track.

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 11.27.27 AM.png

Angela is a model that doesn’t really look modelish. I feel lied to.

Lauren is a law school graduate that describes herself and Nick as combining to form a “disgusting slut”. It’s actually kinda fun. She doesn’t get a rose.

Michelle does a lemons into lemonade thing. I don’t remember her at all.

Dominique kind of gives him crap for being a bachelor loser and it’s kind of charming.

Ida Marie comes out with resting b1tch face. Also, trust fall b1tch face. Not a ton of charisma out of somebody with a pretty fun name. Ida Marie does not get a rose.

Olivia is probably the show’s first Eskimo and delivers a perfectly executed Eskimo kiss. She’s actually super cute but it doesn’t matter. Apparently, Nick hates the cold.

Sarah runs up in the whitest tennis shoes ever made. She gives a “Runner up” line and it delivers hard. Nick is into her. Definitely one to watch.

The first of the Jasmines is a basketball player that brings Neil Lane to the party. I would call her bit a slam dunk but I’m still 17 weeks away from dad jokes.

Hailey isn’t wearing underwear. She’s also cute but is she too much for Nick handle?

Astrid comes out speaking German and it’s awkward enough to have us thinking she’s foreign. Turns out she’s just weird. That said, she’s my second favorite TV Astrid.

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 11.49.55 AM.png

Liz has met Nick before…Biblically. And no I’m not saying they studied the gospels together in a church community group. I’m saying they made love after a wedding. Nick recognizes her and later they have a really bad conversation. It leads to Liz getting the, “yeah this is a rose but I’m making you sweat to teach you a lesson that you’re on super thin ice” rose.

Corrine is terrible. An obvious show villain. She gives Nick a hug token which isn’t the worst idea in the world. He likes her because of course he likes her. Later, they share an awkward TV kiss that makes Nick uncomfortable. Corrine is the worst.

Vanessa is the second Canadian out of the limo which means the rumors you heard were true. This cast is more diverse than others. Nick likes her and he’s right too. She could be in this thing from A to Zed.

Daniele M is next and the sweetheart music comes on. She’s a neonatal nurse who lets Nick suck maple syrup off her finger. It’s actually pretty cute as she’s so nervous her hand is shaking. Daniele pulls off a pun and heads into the house. Now, she’s 30 which in real life is not old at all but is it too old for her to be the next bachelorette? First impressions are that she’s tailor made for the job. We’ll have to see how things go.

Raven is next with an Arkansas pig cheer.

Screen Shot 2017-01-03 at 11.52.15 AM.png

Jaimie is a chef with balls and somehow she gets a rose. This show is truly groundbreaking.

Brianna checks his heart but she’s here and gone before any of us can remember her.

Sure enough, the producers are feeling like we’re dragging. So many women. They start to come fast. Susannah gives him a beard massage.

Josephine makes him Lady and the Tramp a cold hot dog. She’s instantly friend-zoned. Watch for her to get dumped on a 2 on 1.

Brittany has him turn around and bend over while she snaps a glove onto her hand. She looks like she’s missing a neck. Probably won’t bode well.

There’s another Jasmine.

Whitney is a Pilates instructor that looks like a Pilates instructor.

Lacey rides in on the camel. Hits him with the “hump” line a few too many times.

FINALLY, we get to Alexis the shark. She’s going to ride this thing into the ground. We can already tell. Sure enough, it’s one long Dolphin noise. And she gets a rose at the end.

The cocktail party goes by without much happening. There are just too many women to keep track of. The rose ceremony goes as expected. And we’re off.

Man, that was long. I didn’t watch the “this season on” because I hate spoilers. But I bet it was great. Do we like Nick? That’s really not the point. He’s just an excuse to meet a bunch of crazy chicks. Let’s enjoy the ride.

See you next week, WITH PICTURES!!!!

One last thing. A friend of mine, Avery, is an awesome 11 year old. She’s having surgery today to remove a tumor from her brain. Please lift her up in your prayers and thoughts. It’s a scary thing for Avery and her family. They’ve done a ton for cancer awareness since Avery was diagnosed in August. Real life, inspirational stuff. Avery is a special gal.

Foreverlove,

g