Week 5 – That’s Glitter

Foreverlove wins is late this week and I understand that by now you’ve probably read multiple bachelor blogs and tweets and talked to your husband, wife, dog, other people’s children, old people waiting to get their hair cut, Bartell Drugs flu shot administers, roller skating rink DJs, sandwich artists, people who cheer for Sweet Caroline at karaoke places like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it, first responders, responders that get there sometime in the middle and don’t get credit even though what they’re doing is noble and maybe they would’ve been there first but they had other things going on and that’s fine, judgmental vegans, someone you thought was listening to you but had a Bluetooth thing in his ear you couldn’t see, the person on your bus who you have to talk to  because you talked to them once and now if you see each other and don’t talk it’s weird but you wish you could just go back to the time when the ride in was chill and simple, and priests in confessional booths.

So I pledge to do my best to put new spins on things.

Let’s get right to it.

Chelsea and Arie hit the high seas making us wonder how long it’s been since we’ve seen the movie Hitch.

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The opposite of jetskis and yachting is bowling so let’s do that. It’ll be a fun and light way for the women to let off some steam and maybe have one irrational temper tantrum. Yes, we could wish for Krystal to get her hand stuck in the bowling ball return and then have her body sucked into the gears and belts under the alley to die a greasy and bloody death but I want the chance to be down in L.A. and having Krystal at the same restaurant making benign toasts within earshot. I would sit there with the same awe and wonder on my face as when my infant son bare-butt farted into my mouth while I was yawning. Don’t tell me God doesn’t exist.

Arie licks a bowling ball like he licks a social media manager’s face. He’s all hands and it’s really really slow. I’m not saying you gotta kiss fast all the time but mix it up, man. My parents weren’t super proud of this blog before I wrote this paragraph.

Yes, Krystal boycotts the after party until she doesn’t because of course. The other women call her on her BS and it’s wonderful. Becca M. has the short hair and the candor and also the age of a high school debate champion.

Tia gets date number two which is a romp through the everglades to an old man’s house for grilled meats. Did he know they were coming and who explained to him what the show is about? He doesn’t strike me as a big fan of ladies reality programming.

Sometimes BBQ isn’t sexy…

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…but the swamp-light suits Tia and Arie is in.

Later at the cocktail party Krystal tries to charm Arie but somehow he hits us with the only cool thing he’s ever said:

K: This is our first fight.

A: And it might be our last.

But it’s no matter. Krystal gets a rose and we have to say goodbye to Ashley, Marnikh, Maquel, I think. It’s been a few days.

Let’s go deeper for a closer look at how things went this week. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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There she is again, being charming and personable and not getting a group date rose. Now that we’ve trimmed most of the crazy, will Becca rise to the top where she belongs?

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Man, Bekah M is fast on her feet. It’s gotta be an aerodynamic thing with her hair. Watching her baffle Krystal with simple logic is like eating clam chowder on a cold winter’s night. Satisfying. I wrote that knowing I will probably have a salad for dinner. This is cruel. I blame Krystal. Another thing she’s ruined.

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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We hated Chelsea at the beginning of this thing but gosh, what a turnaround. She downplays the yacht, she tells us that she married a jerk who left her with a 6-month old for another woman. I don’t think Chelsea is quirky or dorky enough for Arie but she could come out of this thing looking pretty good. Well done, Chelz.

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Jacqueline is worried about her connection with Arie, that it’s not moving fast enough. We still know nothing about her but I notice that she opens her mouth super wide when she frenches. I mean, it’s a really tiny mouth, but still. I know I’ve said it before but, that hair. Sometimes you meet a woman named Jacqueline and you look at her hair and you think, “meh, you’re not really pulling off the name.” Sometimes you see a woman with hair like hers and you’re disappointed to learn that her name isn’t Jacqueline. But we’ve been given a gift here. A Jacqueline with Jacqueline hair. What a time to be alive.

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At one point she was talking and saying something normal but with one hand she pointed at the camera and with the other, she saluted like an army woman. Jenna is like if you throw a football up in the air and watch it hit the ground. Nobody knows which way that thing is bouncing. Think about that this weekend if you’re bored at a Super Bowl party. When you smirk and somebody asks what you’re smiling about tell them you know a guy who wants to write for TV and ask them if they are Conan Obrien. If they say yes, pass along my info. If they say no, I guess still pass along my info.

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Last week we playfully imagined that Kendall was thinking about stuffing Arie while she was kissing him and that was all fun and good. But this week, she brought a book of questions to Arie and asked him to pick a number between 1-100. He picked 99 and the 99th question in her book, a question she wrote was, “If you were in the jungle with a tribe of cannibals and they offered you human meat would you try some?” What are the odds that’s the only question about eating humans in the book of questions she carries around with her like it’s nothing? I’ve never liked someone so dangerous before in my life.

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I couldn’t sit down and write a better description of someone I wouldn’t want to hang out better than who Krystal is because if I did start describing her in a diary the evil on the pages would come to life and make Ginny Weasley open the Chamber of Secrets and then I’d have to kill the journal with a basilisk fang and I don’t even go to magic school so where am I supposed to get a friggin basilisk fang.

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But that’s the thing about the world, and forgive me for saying it again. Somebody is watching this season and his heart is swelling with love for Krystal. She doesn’t have to be alone and that’s wonderful. Just as long as she and her bedazzled jeans wearing future husband don’t buy the house next door to me.

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She’s goin places. Mark my words. If she can make Arie laugh even once, she’ll win this thing. Lauren B’s don’t come on this show to lose. They come on this show to get engaged, have another, really bad reality show with their finances, and then break up.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Seinne graduated from Yale. Can you “un-graduate”?  If it’s possible, bowling with the Bachelor is probably grounds.
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Tia knows how to work the southern date. She’s pitch perfect riding the hovercraft. Never complains about smelling like gasoline or that there are frog claws on her dinner. She’s a doctor! She’s doctor Tia! If she doesn’t win it’ll be tough not to have her as the next bachelorette. She’s right up there with Beckah K in the made-for-TV category. It’s nice to see people have fun on TV and appreciate what they’ve been given.

Let’s end on a high note. I have to go change my son’s diaper from a comfortable distance and with a closed mouth. As always, apologies for the typos.




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