I feel like a fake eyelash right now, cried off and left to gather dust on some old-timey Spanish BNB’s oaken floor.

The last time I was this confused and emotionally spent was a night back in November, when friends gathered and spent 3 hours looking at each other, speechless. The question, “WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!” just sitting there on our faces while 7-layer dip went unpenetrated.

Last night delivered every emotion I knew I had and some I didn’t. Every 15 minutes my rooting interests changed. It was the least interesting finale ever. It was the most interesting finale ever.

Am I alone in wanting to walk into the ocean and just bob up and down for a while? I feel like that might provide a fun texture to my levis 513s but that’s for another blog.

Here’s what we know. We ended up with Bryan cheesing his way to a victory despite Rachel practically begging Peter to propose to her THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOT ENGAGED TO ANOTHER GUY!!!!

This season had a lot of crazy along the way but it was really only about one thing. One man pursued while another was pursued.

It came down to the wire, with Peter doing everything short of saying to Rachel, “Can I walk you out?” after the strangest breakup/non-breakup EVER. Rachel could’ve let herself be escorted into a waiting SUV and talked to camera about how she thought Peter was the one before realizing, “Wait, I’m the Bachelorette! He’s the one who’s supposed to be in this SUV, crying over chardonnay. Stop the van, I gotta live my best life.”

When they brought Peter out, didn’t we all expect them to announce that they were actually engaged??? But that didn’t happen. Instead, they watched the horror of whatever that was in Spain, while Bryan sat backstage ALSO WATCHING IT while plotting out his calculated lip-licking and stupid re-proposal!!! This show is going to break me. But that’s why we’re all here, to work out the insanity together. Press on, press on.

Bryan isn’t evil. He’s just the kind of cringe-worthy that rolls the “r” in “Rioja”. Red flags and red henleys all over that wine country. He thinks he’s got this in the bag. The D-bag.

His suit jacket at the rose ceremony looked like something someone with poor judgment would buy at the MGM Grand after an inexplicable 3-hour run at the craps table.

By the time he took a short day hike up to the Proposal Villa, we had nothing left. The live studio audience wasn’t clapping. We were witnessing a woman compromising while chasing a ring. Even the wind tried to stop the shenanigans.

But mother nature is nothing compared to the power of a Neil Lane diamond. Surely now, there will be a wedding planned wait what’s that? Nothing in the near future because it would be silly to rush into something so large as marriage? It was at that moment we realized that yes, Rachel was in it for the ring. Will she be happy now that she is a fiancé? I don’t think any of us will ever be happy about anything ever again. I really need to go bob in the ocean.

Let’s take a final look at the last night’s main players and how they came out of this thing.

 

1. Eric

• So many were rooting for him.
• He handled his departure with grace.
• Twitter liked his beard. Ladies be horny for it.

 

2. Peter

• Maybe the first “real” person on this show, ever.
• He has Resting Brooding Face. Every time he’s not talking the guy looks like something out of a Lamonts Catalogue.
• Twitter wanted Peter to win and when he didn’t, Twitter erupted.
• Women will flock to Wisconsin to throw themselves at Peter. He wins the show.

 

3. Bryan

• Because how can you say no to this?
• He is the human embodiment of a consolation prize.
• One of the cheesiest people in this show’s history.
• When asked where they would live, Bryan threw out Los Angeles as an option. He doesn’t realize that his thirst for fame is also super painful.
• Bryan should not google his own name for like, months.

 

4. Rachel

• Rachel had a Ronald Miller type run on this show. Her star burned brightly for weeks and then, it all came crashing down at once.
• When someone you think is smart does something you think is stupid it makes you want to bob up and down in the ocean.
• I’m ok if she fades into the ether just so I don’t have to see Bryan anymore. I mean, if you do one thing today, go and experience his Instagram account. https://www.instagram.com/p/BXhT9_pH5cU/?hl=en&taken-by=thebryanabasolo

 

5. Chris Harrison

• He’s done it again. Made us look deep within ourselves, daring us not to watch anymore knowing we are powerless to resist him.

I’ll leave you with two things to think about and a quote that sums up my feelings.

1. Juan Pablo is married. These are the times we are living in.
2. Bryan has more than one black leather jacket.

“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

– Eleonore Roosevelt

Foreverlove our time away and we’ll meet again once The Bachelor is back. I will miss our time together. If you need me, I’ll be in the ocean with these losers.

Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was it in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a tee shirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

 

Back to the breadline.

Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance in his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name.

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave.

 

 

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head.

 

Oh Dean. He’s forced to have the pain and disfunction of his entire life played out on national TV and the poor guy can’t even sit down in a chair. While horizontal in his father’s living room pillow fort, Dean tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. She says, “I’m falling in love with you too.” Then she dumps him. Dean and his father may not have much to say to each other but both have been taken advantage of by this show. The difference is that Dean can take his solid hairline and really white teeth back out to the dating world and do great things. Some wonderful woman is going to fall in love with him and he’ll go on to have a great life. It’s gonna be like a ray lamontagne song. “I’ve been saaaaaaved by a womaaaaaaan.” Ironic that Ray looks like a young Dean’s Dad.

Guy just can’t catch a break. Goodbye, Dean.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber.

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario?

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show.

 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like.

 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody.

 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried.

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose.

 

A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken.

 

Fathers gonna fath.

 

I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible.

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring.

 

Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy.

 

 

I’ve updated my chart. See below.

Old

 

New

 

 

Like many of you I woke up feeling relieved, knowing that finally, racism was over. Thank you, The Bachelorette.

You should be on PBS. You should be taught in schools.

The studio was swelling with self-importance last night. People stood up. People shook hands. There was much applause. Iggy’s gold pinky ring kept finding its way into frame.

But before all that, we went back in time to see all the wrongs this amazing force for good has righted. We remembered something called “Cyberbullying” and how Chris Harrison, with Caitlyn’s help, put a stop to it.

Who could forget how painful it was to live in a world where we didn’t know the sex of JP and Ashley’s first born? Thanks to Chris Harrison and a lubed-up wand, we were there to see young JP junior swimming around on that ultrasound. “You’re going to feel cold pressure”. Yup.

Back to the present, where 19 guys and Dean’s haircut went to battle with each other. That’s really the magic of the Men Tell All. We expect catty stuff from the ladies on the Women Tell All (not a sweeping generalization of all women. I’m talking about the women who try out for the bachelor. And even not all of them are crazy) but when a bunch of dudes wearing suits and tennis shoes start standing up and yelling about nothing, it’s just fascinating. Watching men reduced to whatever you would call what we saw Monday night, is like when the Devil watches people eat cookies for breakfast.

Much of the night was spent trying to drag Lee through the mud. The only problem with that is that you can’t drag mud through mud. And here’s the question everybody outside of that studio was asking—who was aware of Lee’s racist, anti-women past? Maybe the producers who took 3 minutes to comb through Lee’s past tweets.

Like Homer says about alcohol, “To The Bachelor/Bachelorette producers! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Finally, we got to see more of life’s truths slamming down onto poor Dean. When last we saw him, Dean was getting dumped immediately after Rachel told him she was falling in love with him. Dean wanted answers and they went something like this.

Dean:  I guess I was just confused because you told me you loved me and then dumped me.

Rachel: Yep. (tender, pretty smile)

Dean: Thanks for the clarification I feel way better now and am able to move on.

Guys are suckers for sad, pretty women. When did it hit Dean that Rachel gave him no new information? Was it back in his chair with the guys?

Was it when he was in the back of his Uber on the way back to the DoubleTree? Did people on a plane to Denver have to witness the moment and sit there helplessly as Dean started crying? “I don’t know honey, he just started crying. Should I call for a flight attendant? Should I just open the emergency door and jump out to the cold throws of death? At least they aren’t crying next to me while I’m trying to watch Sisters on this digi player.”

Let’s take a super quick look with one or two sentences each for each guy that dared to show his face last night.

 

Took the past 3 months to come up with a few catch phrases. Comedy isn’t for everyone. Sadly for Adam, neither is Romance.

Fashion forward. The ladies love him.

After the third time Anthony spoke I wanted someone in the studio audience to yell out, “Why are you standing up?”

Blake’s hair was a touch better. I thought we’d get more from him but he sat back and didn’t eat any carbs.

Didn’t show. With hair like that you don’t get many open nights on your calendar.

 

Still harmlessly cheesing it up in Spain. We’ll see him next Monday.

We didn’t get any Bryce. This picture is all we need.

 

Dean’s hair looked like the slow motion caramel being poured into a Werther’s Original in one of those commercials we’re pretty sure is European and dubbed for America.

Demario lacks common sense. Like, to the point where there’s a sticky note on his stove that says, “Don’t touch me when I’m hot. Dude, trust me, it hurts.”

 

Diggy straightened his bowtie.

 

We’re rooting for you.

Fred wrote a speech and practiced for months. But because it’s Fred, Rachel kind of cut him off. Once a lil’ camper, always a lil’ camper. Fred’s gotta be walking out of the studio wanting to shake it all off, like when you walk through a spider web and kind of have mini convulsions for the next hour just to be sure that spider is off of you.

 

There’s just something about this guy that drives me insane. The gold chain. The gold pinky ring. The glasses you absolutely know have zero prescription in those lenses. There’s never a time when Iggy hangs out with his friends when one of them doesn’t sigh loudly.

 

There were no need for words with that face.

Jamey piped up and was immediately called out for being irrelevant. Valid, but he turned it around pretty well on Demario saying, “You’re only relevant for being a $%*@!” Not bad, Jamey.

 

In a meeting yesterday a guy said that Facebook was working on some artificial intelligence with two computers. But the computers started speaking to each other in a language none of the programmers could understand. The computers made up their own language so humans couldn’t listen in on them. That’s scary. Now look at Jonathan’s cyborg face and tell me you aren’t terrified.

Thankfully, we didn’t get much from Josiah. Oh I’m sorry, I forgot the quote marks around that first sentence. It’s just that Josiah speaks in the third person so much I get tired of adding them. Even this last sentence, I’m not sure if Josiah said it or it’s just something I wrote.

People love Kenny. He’s pretty harmless. Still can’t dismiss Lee for the pile of garbage he is.

 

A racist prick just isn’t going to admit to being what he is on national TV and then change. He’s slippery so he’s going to be slippery until the night is over then he’s going to go home, and say something like how Leo Dicaprio’s character in Django Unchained is super misunderstood. If Iggy makes me want to put my head in my hands, Lee makes me want to run away in the opposite direction.

Waboom got riled up but Chris Harrison was more concerned with social impact so we moved on from the hi-jinx pretty quick.

Matt did something strange to his already sad hair. Dyed it? Used some of that fake hair you shake out of a can? He looked like Justin Theroux on Parks and Rec.

 

Currently sitting on a bench in Spain making Rachel cry.

 

Great suit. But look lower and it’s like, “Hey man, I hear your grandmother is doing well.” “Yeah, she’s actually in a jogging group at the home. They kind of just move a little to 80’s Whitney Houston songs but it’s cute.” Hashtag Grandma’s Jogging Shoes.

At this point, in this particular season, it’s like we’re standing at the refrigerator the night before a big grocery run. No matter how bad we want it, there’s nothing new in there. No surprises. Menchies night isn’t until Sunday and you can’t double up on the cool treats during bathing suit season.

This is just what you get with an even-tempered, rational, bachelorette. The crazy gets filtered out and we’re left with 3 guys sitting in a hotel room calmly wishing each other well.

Watching this week’s episode is like what a barber thinks every time a guy sits down in the chair.

Jessica:                  So, what are we gonna do today?

Every Guy:            I don’t know, I’m a guy. Give me The Guy.

Jessica:                  Siiiiiiiigh. Why do you even try, Jessica? This isn’t why you got into barbering. I mean, you got into barbering because smoking pot was more fun than paying attention in World Civ but also it was for the fun and the challenge and the art. You used to paint and damn if you weren’t good. It was just you, your paints, Lightening crashes and old mother cries. The confusion sets in. You had your whole life ahead of you and you didn’t even know it, Jessica. And now what, you’re standing behind one more guy with one more sidepart. When will it end? When did men get so scared? What happened to bangs and a sidespike? Or the Ben Covington middle-part? I would’ve followed him to college too so don’t be mad at Felicity for that. You know what, Jessica, maybe you’re the scared one. Imagine you got what you wanted and some dangerous man walked into the salon, looked at you and simply said, “Thrill me”. Would you have what it takes, would you have the courage, Jessica? Or would you run, just like you run from everything else in your life? Let’s just be honest FOR ONCE because there’s no telling how long any of this will last. Do you really want to spend your days blending a number 3 into a number 4 and maybe taking a quarter inch off the top? What does this guy think will happen if we do that for him? He’s probably just as lost as you are, I mean look at him. Look at him, Jessica. Look at him.

Every Guy:            You’re talking out loud.

What else. Rachel’s view of being engaged is like when you miss a bus but you aren’t in any hurry. “Eh, whatever.”

Peter is normal but in the context of this show he’s coming off as either prudish or boring. Hearing Rachel talk to him about engagement is like when the princess is trying to get Bastian to save her world.

Bastian, why don’t you do what you dream?

But I can’t I have to keep my feet on the ground!!!!

Bastian, PLEEEAAAASE!!!!! CALL MY NAME!!!!!!!!

Unlike Bastian, Peter isn’t biting and we’re left to sit on that bench with him and Rachel. None of us knows what to say.

Eric is still endearing, even if he makes Rachel’s family a little nervous. I feel like they look at Eric like a puppy their 8 year old daughter found on a playground. “Can we keep him mom, pleeeeeeaaaaaaase!!!!!”

Bryan is kind of cheesy but relatively harmless. I get the sense Rachel’s sister would kind of grimace if she was left alone to talk to Bryan at a family bbq.

In the end, no matter what happens we’ll probably look at each other and then google when Bachelor’s in Paradise is set to premier.

Next week is the Men Tell All and after that, we’ll get back to biz. Until then, foreverlove each other and foreverforgive my lateness in getting this out. A 10 week old is hard.

Welcome to the middle stages of the season, the golden stages where this show really hits its peak. It’s like drinking while bowling. That second game is always where the magic happens.

By about the 7^th frame of the third game, things get quiet, you’re wishing your fingers fit into that pink 6 pound ball, and the cute guy you’re trying to impress is talking on his Moto Razr cell telephone.

At this point you’re either a chiropractor who loud-kisses Rachel on the reg or you’re wallowing in a friendzone that’s widening by the second. What’s worse is that you’re either blind to the widening or you’re talking yourself into it not being there at all.

We’ve all been there, wishing, hoping, pouring on compliments and then doubling down on those compliments when nothing seems to move the needle. It’s the reason that watching these guys walking into heartbreak, one awkward smile at a time, has us watching with our toes curled and our wine glasses close by.

But, as Jason Lee once told us in the mid 2000’s, “…the sweet is never as sweet without the sour”.

And just like in Vanilla Sky, watching Jack Stone has me wanting to yell, “TECH SUPPOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” More on that later.

One time in college I woke up with a bad zit on my face. For an entire day, I walked around with a band aid over it and told people I banged my cheek on the dresser. Eventually I was called out and rightfully teased. Why tell you a story about hiding my shame? Well, if I were the type to make sweeping generalizations about race, I might suggest that Dean’s choice to go, jockstrap-and-cup-on-the-outside-of-his-super tight-outfit, was more than just him being silly. For those visual learners out there,

But I’m not the type to make sweeping generalizations about race so I won’t. Gotta keep this thing above the belt.

Who needs a rose ceremony when passion lines are being drawn? If you’re not creating a spark you’re just tickling your way through this thing.

Oslo has it all figured out. Bumper sticker idea: “Oslo fjord the win!”

We also get a refresher that a good marker for a successful marriage is your ability to rappel off something tall with a stranger.

If you don’t work out in jeans and cowboy boots then you’re doing it wrong.

Norway is cold and our two favorite adversaries aren’t respecting the great white north. But this isn’t the first time we’ve seen someone wear the wrong thing when it matters most.

All I’m saying is, you can put a hood on a henley but you’re not fooling mother nature. That’s another bumper sticker idea but for a really long bumper sticker. I guess, making bumper stickers really long, is also a bumper sticker idea. This is turning into a different blog.

In the end, we were left to yell at our TVs, “Don’t take the bait, Kenny!!!!!!”

What will happen tonight? One thing is for sure.

Let’s take a quick look at how our guys did, knowing we’ll be right back at this tomorrow. And remember, guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red.

Another inexplicable rose for Adam, this show’s invisible man. But good for him. Last night while watching, my wife said, “I wan’t to see more of Adam”. I was surprised by that.

 

Alex is sappy. He sang poorly a few weeks ago and today he’s reading a…letter?…a poem?…we don’t really know what it is, but Rachel feels like making out so Alex gets some smooches.

Anthony plays it cool. He actually looks pretty natural in that funky handball uniform. I guess it’s true what the bumper sticker says, a smooth forehead really does go with any look. Is anybody writing down these amazing bumper sticker ideas???

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

Bryan is a smooth talker and ironically, a super loud kisser. This is tough on us because he makes out with Rachel a ton. We learn that she likes him, A LOT. This guy is destined for the fantasy suites. I could easily see him winning it all with Peter becoming the next bachelor. Even the other guys are conceding that Bryan’s got it going on.

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

Dean used humor to distract from his shortcomings, or maybe they’re just his averagecomings.  He also wore a fun sweatshirt that had intentional rips in it. Dean is alright with me. He is young enough to be the next Bachelor and I think ladies could be into him a little bit. Something to keep in the back pocket of your handball spandex.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

Eric has racial questions. Will (or maybe Anthony) has really insightful answers. It’s a nice moment of well-tempered discussion. Did somebody break into the editing suite and slip this past producers? And just when you think Eric is simply hanging on, Rachel kisses him. Either he’s doing something right or Rachel just really wanted to make out after that group date.

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like. 

 

Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

   Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison. 

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried. 

We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose. 

 

This season is about 3 things so far:

• Corny game
• Speaking in the third person
• Inspirational saying/Bible verse Chest tattoos

Josiah is hitting those first two bullets hard. Can’t remember if he’s got the third but I’d bet on it. In a try-hard suave voice, Josiah goes on and on about how he wants to grow old with Rachel. She stops him and says, “But you don’t know me and you never ask me any questions about myself.” Josiah takes this cue and asks a poignant question tells Rachel how she’s so perceptive and that’s one thing he loves about her. Nobody but Josiah is impressed.

 

Oh Kenny. You just couldn’t leave it alone. The snake wasn’t tempting Rachel in the super cold Norwegian garden, he was tempting YOU! There was no need to lash out. Everyone knows that in negotiating the price of a used car and waiting out a 2 on 1 date that the first person to speak loses. And this was after you dropped the hammer, “I feel sorry for Lee’s parents because they have to sit there and watch this and say to themselves, that’s our son.” You said that, Kenny. There’s nothing left to say! And yet it’s so much easier to comment from the sidelines. If I had to spend 2 minutes with Lee I’d probably want to grab him by the hair and toss him into whatever river that was he was sitting next to. It might happen tonight. We know that Kenny bleeds, but how?!!

 

Which is dumber, Lee’s hair or the fact that he shaves his mustache but leaves the beard? Put those hands together people. And then, when you pull those hands apart, don’t; take a shower, do your hair, put on jeans a tee shirt and cowboy boots, AND THEN go work out. Is there a bottom to the well of Lee’s doucheyness? And if not, will physics allow for us to push him down it? My brain hurts. Thanks, Lee.

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

Matt looks at Adam and says, “NO!” I’m the one everybody forgets is still here. That’s MY role, man. You think I tease what’s left of the front of my hair for nothing? Poor guys. Many of us have to deal with something called, “the front of our hair”. If you’ve only known hair that has no beginning and no end, then take stock in that blessing. It is real.

 

How long was Peter’s portion of that group date nighttime jacuzzi tub sesh? Think about it, they have to have a normal conversation in two spots, then decide to get in the tub. He’s got to wrangle a suit, they have to fill the tub, light the shot, figure out how the camera man can fit into the tub with the two of them, find him a suit—something tastefull that doesn’t show up on screen, then they have to make out, then get over the silliness of it all, towel off, put make up on, get back into their fancy clothes, and walk back into the room with all the other guys. That’s like 2 hours minimum. By the time Peter doesn’t get the group date rose it is light outside. At least he smells like bath product. Peter’s going all the way to the end of this thing and I’d bet he’ll be the next Bachelor.

 

Will just keeps climbing. Because my lovely wife is awesome at statistics I made this chart to illustrate Will’s performance on the show.

Proud of me, hun? Will is smart. Rachel thinks he’s good looking, and the two of them shared a stolen kiss in a doorway. If you’re kissing in a doorway you’re kissing for real. I’ve got Will squarely in my top 4.

We’ll have to see if anybody else takes a leap tonight! Happy watching everybody.

g

 

Rachel is all of us and we are Rachel. It’s why even though this was filmed months ago, Rachel is cracking under the drama surrounding the Bachelor franchise. The B’s in P stuff. We’ve seen this before.

 

Somehow she finds a way to soldier on and trim some fat at the rose ceremony.

In such a delicate time we need a dependable face. Deans’ face. Ladies you let me know, does Dean seem like your girlfriend’s cute younger brother. Like, yeah he’s only a freshman and think about the scandal, but should I ask him to Tolo? And would we go surfy  or maybe denim?

Also because this is such a delicate time, let’s go in a blimp. Nothing bad ever happens in a blimp.

A blimp even went down this past weekend at a golf tournament. Golf is feeling the weight of what’s happened in Bachelors in Paradise.

 

Quick note: It is a bummer what happened down there and it’s legit squirrely and potentially really messed up and weird. Obviously we all hope for the best in that situation.

Quicker note: B’s IN P’s is back on! They’ve seen the footage and apparently nothing untoward went on down there. That sentence has double meaning. Sorry, books but you’ll have to find somebody else to read you this summer. I’m watching television.

Next up is a Booze Cruise!

It’s time for a white to try rapping. It’s time for Rachel to do the Titanic thing on the bow because I guess we’re still doing that. If it’s ok to live like it’s 1997 I’d enjoy one of those Macintosh computers with the colored back and about a week alone with Napster. Gonna get some 311 for free! Know that we have always been down, down.

Lot of bare chests and Iggy wearing a white tee shirt because of course he’s the sad overlooked kid sitting in the shallow end of the pool having a splash fight with no one. Go hug a chubby kid in a pool. Hug ‘em tight and don’t let go. I’m asking you to drive to a public or a private pool and hug an overweight child.

Love isn’t just about abdominals. It’s also about a super unfair spelling bee. “Stunning”, really? Who puts “Stunning” in the same round as boud…I can’t even begin to spell the French word for bedroom. Not even close enough for Google translate to help. Spelling shines its love on the least humble dude left and we have to watch him kiss a trophy for the next 20 mins.

Like any versatile blouse, true douchebagary can go from day to night. The men claw at each other between sips of hard and soft liquor.

Let’s look more closely at our gentlemen, realizing that it’s now Thursday and so much has happened in the world since Monday night. I don’t know about any of it because I have a one month old that peed in his own mouth last week. In fact, truth be told because that’s what this experience is all about, I didn’t catch the rose ceremony. I’ll be faking my way through below. See if you can tell. Guys that just got kicked off are in blue. Guys that have been gone a while are in red. Party on, Wayne.

Didn’t see much from Adam this week. He misspelled a word and the crowd didn’t seem to care. We can scratch another group off the list of folks that find Adam to be interesting.

• Rachel
• Old people who attend romantic-themed spelling bees in the middle of the day

 

Alex’s purple tiger striped suit did all the talking for him this week. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Russian fashion on our screens.

 

Anthony is a better speller than he got credit for. The man can ride a horse. He’s a teacher with above average spelling skills. And his head is like the sands of the Sahara. So smooth. If I’m a tiny bug on that thing I’m trudging along and praying for water. Probably cut the bottoms off my pants and I’m using them as a hat to shield me from the sun.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave. 

 

I’m told, Rachel is wondering if Bryan is “too good to be true”. I think she’s seeing through the ambition. She wants a quiet moment with Bryan, one where he isn’t trying so hard. Can Bryan browse through a Barnes & Noble without yelling about how much he loved the Maze Runner trilogy or heading straight for the music section and over-dancing to whatever he’s listening to, hoping people will notice him and ask if he’s on TV? There’s a lot going on beneath the surface.

 

Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head. 

 

Dean is afraid of heights but he gets past it on a scary blimp ride. We are reminded that the guy is like 6 years younger than Rachel. Fred’s gotta be sitting at home thinking, “What does Dean have that I don’t?” Poor, poor Fred. Later at dinner we learn that Dean’s family fell apart after his mom died and he basically raised himself from 16 on. That’s pretty legit. This guy is likable. I just don’t see him winning. Maybe he’s the new Jared. Somebody tell that crazy Kardashian wannabe whose name I’ve already forgotten, that a new unhealthy obsession is about to be sad and single.

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario? 

 

We waited two weeks to see if Eric would start turning over tables. Turns out he squashed the crazy about one minute into this week’s show. Somebody was paying attention to a very special episode of Beverly Hills 90210.

SQUASH IT!

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

It’s so painful to watch Iggy. He’s the tattle tail. He’s the guy that thinks his prom date is out talking to her girlfriends while instead she’s going to second base with some dude in his lowered truck in the parking lot. Guy’s got a removable face on his car stereo. You can’t compete with that, Iggy. No one can.

 

I didn’t see any of Jack Stone but I can only assume he stared adversity in the face and adversity lost.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

Jonathan escapes another elimination and we learn that he’s a doctor. Life is terrifying.

 

What are the odds Josiah watches himself on TV and says, “Josiah needs to change. Josiah needs to be humble and because Josiah succeeds at life on his own brilliance, Josiah’s gonna beat this thing.”?  Get me on a plane and to the MGM Grand, stat. I will bet my mortgage it. Then I’ll play some $10 black J and hit the lazy river. Vegas is the best.

 

At one point, Kenny closes his eyes, bows his head and says, “Pray for Kenny”. That is his prayer. He’s praying in the third person and he’s doing it wrong. I mean, as a christian guy I’m all for talking to God and I believe there’s pretty much no wrong way to do it. But Kenny found it. Looks like his beef with Lee is gonna reach a boiling point next week. God please pray to yourself that Kenny doesn’t do anything bad.

 

Lee is Billy Zane in Titanic, pushing women and children out of lifeboats. Lee would steal your bike and then say, “I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m just being honest about wanting your bike!” No joke, if you came to the office and said, “Man this guy cut me off on the commute in and didn’t wave or anything”, Lee would jump in, shake his head and say, “Asians”. And everybody would look at him wierd and wonder how he got through the interview process. I’m not saying Lee is racist I’m just saying look at his picture and tell me that isn’t “hood hair”. White, pointy, sheet, hood hair. Lee is not my favorite.

 

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

Saw none of Matt this week, unless he played a major role. Matt gets this season’s, “Hollow Man” award. It’s not worth it, Kevin Bacon!!!! The serum makes you crazy!!!!!!

Lizzy Shue really worked that short hair.

 

Peter rapped. It went exactly how you’d think it would go.

 

Will is coming on strong! The guy reads six books a day? He’s a super under the radar genius. I’m calling it right now. Will is a lock for the fantasy suites and could be in there at the final rose ceremony.

We get back to back eps next week!!!! Monday and Tuesday are going to be epic.

g

 

Some people love basketball. Others like me live in a city whose basketball team was stolen.

You can take the team, Oklahoma City, but you can not take the height of Eddie Johnson’s tube socks,

or Ricky Pierce’s free throw percentage. You can’t take young Tom Chambers but if you need him, I guess we can give you old Patrick Ewing.

Point is, this past monday night, ABC thought it was a good idea to air the NBA finals instead of The Bachelorette. Apparently, they don’t care about those who follow a more important sport. The sport of the heart.

With nothing to cover I thought I’d get to some of the reader’s emails. It’s important to keep a finger on the pulse of the people. So here we go.

 

Jess M. Boulder, CO

What’s going on in Paradise? Twitter.com is blowing up with stories about misconduct.

Great question, Jess. It’s all any of us can think about right now. You know when you’re eating a bag of peanuts and one of them tastes like you’re going to have to go to the hospital? Imagine an entire sack of nuts. I wish there was a more concise way to type that, “Sack of nuts”, it just seems clunky. Anyway, take all those gross nuts nobody wanted and put them into one sack, then pour tequila into it. Bad things are bound to happen. That’s the power of metaphor.

 

Joe G. Seattle, WA

I really like optical illusions. I just think they’re so fun. Sometimes at parties I’ll run out to my car and grab my illusions binder and then I show it to people.

Not really a question but I’ll answer anyway. Yes, I think Bryce’s face would make more sense if you were looking at it upside down. Maybe it’s a, “do you see an old woman or a young woman” thing.

I would try to see for myself but I’m not strong enough to lift my desktop computer and turn it upside down. There are cords that would get tangled and it would be a whole thing. Maybe send off for some gravity boots. Good for the core. I’ve solved all your problems.

 

Jan R. Carmel, IN

My lovely daughter is single. Who on this show would you set her up with?

Thanks, Jan. I would set your daughter up with the horse Rachel was riding on her one-on-one with Anthony. I would put your daughter on top of the horse and then I’d fire a gun into the air so the horse would run far away from all of these guys. On the way, the horse would trample Lee on the hair and the world would be better for it.

Or Peter. He seems nice.

 

Carey B. Bellingham, WA

Sometimes I like to curl up with an International Coffee and a good book. Which authors inspire your writing?

I’m touched that you think I’ve read a book, which I have. It’s called Out of the Blue. So, I guess you could say my voice is a combination of Orel Hershiser and, With Jerry B. Jenkins.

 

Linda S. Houston, TX

Who do you think is most likely to have googled, “how long can I practice my smile in the mirror before my friends start to think I have a mental problem?”

 

Nick V. Los Angeles, CA

What should you do if you confused incompatibility for authenticity and proposed to the wrong woman who won’t leave her family in Montreal? And for poops and giggles, what happens if the woman you should’ve chosen is super charming and currently killing it on a hit reality dating show? Sorry before you answer I think I figured it out on my own. Is it, stare creepily at Mario Lopez being cool?

No.

Oh gosh. Chin up, buddy. Things are gonna be ok. Just promise me you won’t pose against a brick wall with glasses that don’t have a prescription.

Awe screw it I can’t stay mad at you.

We’re through.

 

Gretchen B. Auckland, NZ

If Bachelor in Paradise is cancelled, what am I supposed to do with my summer? I proactively killed all my plants so I wouldn’t have to worry about watering them during B’s in P. ☹

Gretchen I’m sorry about your plants. I know that this is a hard time, for a lot of us. But I think that’s just how life works and if there’s one thing that I’ve always been able to turn to during times of despair, and I’m talking about the grim times when I didn’t see order in anything, when it felt like I had nothing and couldn’t find a way out, when words weren’t enough, when food lost its taste, when I couldn’t remember what I enjoyed doing even if it was only a few months ago, when the sun on my face was no longer warm, the thing that I could always count on and the thing I encourage you to do, is to watch Bachelor in Para…oh no.

 

Jessica U. San Diego, CA

I am committed to hosting viewing parties with my gal pals and the one gay I know. If B’s in P doesn’t come back, what should we watch?

Netflix has a ton of good shows and it’s super convenient. All you do is send them a list of titles you’d like to watch and then they send digital video disks straight to your mailbox. You watch them with your friends and then mail them back to Netflix when you’re done! In just a few days, more digital video disks arrive in your mailbox!

 

Let’s end on that happy note. I hope you all have wonderful weekends. Foreverlove the time and we’ll get back to normal this Monday night.

 

G

Sometimes it’s never who you think. You’re sitting there looking at a lineup while a cripple is burning people’s faces and shooting up boats. I think all of us have been sitting in our living rooms, drinking our pinot gris…pinot gris’s?…pinot gris, yelling at our screens, “You painful douchebag!!!! That hair!!!! The whining!!! Who does this??!!!!” And I think, we’ve been had. More on that later hashtag cliffhanger.

If you’re trying to win your way back into a reality dating game, you’ve gotta offer up something new. Talking in motivational bumper sticker slogans won’t get you back into the mansion. And I should know, I have reality dating show experience.

Hey, it’s Ellen! She’s delightful. I got in on Ellen early, watching her first show back in ’94. For those who haven’t seen it, I would describe it as a ground-breaking hit sitcom.

It gave us 90’s Jeremy Piven and Joely Fisher, who is Carrie Fisher’s half sister and a high-school crush of mine. You came here to learn, didn’t you.

Back to the future. Ellen serves as a vehicle for seeing the guys with their henleys off. Grandmas get dryhumped, dollars are shoved into pants. Fun for the whole family.

Day turns into night and the stage is set for a moment so awkward that knowing it was coming was enough to send the area of me that’s covered by a bathing suit into an intense clench. But it’s good because I don’t have to think about scheduling time to do my kegals.

There is heartbreak and the quietest elevator ride in history.

What’s this? Rachel’s brat pack is back and they’re taking a party bus to a tub full of mud clumps? This will be fun because the guys always take physical competition to far and somebody ends up in an ambulance. Oh wait, no this isn’t fun at all. This is the gayest thing I’ve seen on TV since the ground-breaking hit sitcom, Ellen. More kegals.

The guys get washed off and secrets are revealed. A Chip ‘n Dale walks among us.

Here’s a joke for you: A horse walks into a Beverly Hills boutique and then he poops on the floor. That’s my time guys, you’ve been a great audience.

Back at the house, a man is cracking. This game isn’t for everyone. There’s also a man who’s enjoying it all a little too much. More on that below.

Let’s take a closer look at how our guys did. And remember the key, guys who’ve just been kicked off are blue because they are super sad. Guys who’ve been gone a while are red because they’ve moved on to anger.

We don’t get a lot from Adam this week. I think he was wrestling and that one of Rachel’s friends thought he stood out. If this show was called, The Bachelorettes he might have a shot. But there’s more fat to trim so Adam is safe for another week.

 

Last week Alex sang a Russian love song. This week he loses himself in the act of dancing and puts his J in some poor grandmother’s face. Can we expect anything less from a man who grew up in Baryshnikov’s country? We also learned that Alex peed in the pool. This man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a really bad purple suit.

 

Anthony gets the one-on-one and decides skinny jeans are a good idea for riding a horse. Better hope he isn’t wearing Joe’s Jeans. I can’t count the heartbreaking blowouts I’ve had on my bicycle. We deserve stronger denim. It’s eff wording 2017! Rachel uses the horse as a metaphor for a successful relationship. They buy the world’s dumbest lettermen’s jackets with lips on the sleeves and Anthony’s horse poops in the store. Later, they enjoy an outdoor meal and a passionate kiss. Anthony is a nice guy with a good, smooth head on his shoulders. Watch for him to make it to hometowns.

 

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name. 

 

Finally, Brady gets a shoutout for his hair. And it was on DISPLAY this week. No doubt he was in the shower and thought, “I’m doing it. I’m gonna rinse and repeat and then rinse again.” We’ve all been there. He didn’t say a word but when you’re conditioned within an inch of your life, you don’t have to speak.

 

I’ve noticed something. It comes from having a keen eye and years of dissecting this stuff. Bryan mugs for the camera. He’s a front row guy. He tries. He succeeds but it’s by taking action. He’s chasing Rachel and so far it’s working. But, there’s another man we’ll look at down below who sits in the back row, doesn’t say much, and has enough of the it factor to be chased. Bryan better watch his back. He’s sprinted to a lead but there’s another, coasting behind him.

 

Bryce throws Eric under the party bus and he does it with the strangest face to hit television. It reminds me of those old slider books for kids that let you pick a hat, a face, and a body to make a hilarious combination. The lower half of Bryce’s face looks like somebody else’s. We’ve seen this before, we know it’s possible.

 

Dean keeps winning fans. Rachel’s friends pick him as the winner of the mud-date. I guess there’s just something about the guy.  He looks a little like he auditioned for the role of Zack Morris, but like last week. His look is a special brand of 90’s teen actor. I would buy that face as David Silver’s cousin from Phoenix who parties a little too hard and winds up dying of alcohol poisoning. The credits roll without any theme music and parents and teens are left to have a conversation about the dangers of drinking in the 90’s.

 

 

Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber. 

 

My sincerest apologies to Diggy. I thought he left night one and didn’t include him in last week’s recap. Diggy, I will work tirelessly to make this up to you and your family. And I’m still talking about it because there’s nothing else to say about you. Welcome.

 

We’ve seen it before, this is the Hunger Games of love. Some people just don’t have what it takes to be dropped into the fray. Eric is cracking and no amount of pool time and free scotch is going to keep him from blowing up. The other guys are like bees. They can smell fear and pounce on Eric. He ends up getting the group date rose but the joy is short lived as he ends the episode with a crazy rant. Could we see Rachel take back a rose? Has that ever happened???? What’s going to happen next Monday?

 

We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show. 

 

This is the face of desperation. Iggy is nowhere near any connection with Rachel, he hasn’t seen a cell phone or a TV show or even a book since arriving at the mansion. You can only swim so many laps in the pool before you start to get bored. So he inserts himself in a conversation Eric is having with whoever will listen and then brings that conversation up to Rachel because when you don’t have anything else to talk about, you grasp at straws. Iggy is not long for this game.

 

Jack Stone can wrestle a little.

 

Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody. 

 

You just have to shake your head. In fact, I’ll bet that’s exactly what you did just now when you saw Jonathan’s face. He keeps the cyborg theory going when he dances for what looks like the first time ever. Ellen is all over it and you can feel Rachel cringing. Maybe Jonathan isn’t a cyborg at all. This is like a homeless man’s Meet Joe Black situation. If Brad Pitt was death, maybe Jonathan is like, a really bad cold come to life to experience what it’s like to be human.

Sidenote: Meet Joe Black is one of those movies where I’m not sure the star even knew they were filming anything. It’s just Brad Pitt being Brad Pitt. He would’ve walked around blank faced, eating peanut butter even if there weren’t cameras around. So it worked out for everybody.

 

Not a big week for Josiah. He’s letting the crazy happen around him. Sound strategy.

 

Last week, Kenny the dad lost a challenge about being a dad. This week, Kenny the professional wrestler lost a challenge about wrestling. We learned that Kenny was a chip ‘dale in Vegas but he never hit the pole, instead it was all about the choreography for him. Makes me worried for what challenge we’ll have to watch him lose next week.

 

Lee is evil. He’s the kind of evil that if you met him in a private golf club’s pro shop and told him you know a guy who organizes hunting trips where the prey is a homeless man he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you’re talking about that 1994 Ice T movie.

Lee takes pleasure in the pain of others and he’s super arrogant. He’s like Parker Posey’s character in Parks and Rec. “Oh look at Leslie, isn’t she trying so hard how cute is that!

Leslie’s face is all of us watching Lee.

 

“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring. 

 

“Matt?” – Blake E, out loud when Matt got his rose. Blake E. is now the mouthpiece for the nation. That one word sums up Matt’s journey on this show perfectly. Thanks again, Blake E.

 

Peter is the anti-Bryan. He’s happy in the back row. He doesn’t say much. He doesn’t try to kiss Rachel. According to the Ellen game, he hasn’t even thought about sleeping with Rachel. And Rachel is loving every second. Peter’s playing his own game, letting 19 other guys chase while he sits back and is chased. If he’s not the man for Rachel, he’ll be the man for America as the next Bachelor.

 

Turns out Will is on the show. Not only that, he suavely got some kissing in. I could see Will going pretty far in this thing. Don’t be surprised if we get to meet his family.

We get TBC’d again and it’s another week of waiting. Everybody say a silent prayer that DeMario has a roof over his head tonight and forever love yourselves until we talk again.

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Whether you believe in all-powerful, all-loving creator, or you think we’re just a bunch of good looking molecules bumping into each other, you cannot deny that there are a set of universal truths. Things that hold everything together. Keep us from spinning out of control.

1. Cheese.
2. Patrick Swayze’s performance as Dalton in the motion picture, Roadhouse.
3. You cannot hide from basketball.

 

That third one is where we’ll begin. Basketball is like a physical lie detector that cuts the swag right out of a bunch of painful try-hards. We even saw one of our least favorite douchebags try to fall out of the gym as he went sprawling for the door. You can’t dance-dribble and then throw up airball after airball. Especially if the great Kareem Abdul Jabar is in the house. But this week, basketball went one step farther, somehow exposing the brashiest bro as either a dirtbag or someone with super bad taste in ladies.

We’ll get to that down below.

Hey everybody, it’s Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis! Ashton Kutcher is a guy you want to make fun of but then he starts talking and you realize he and Mila would be fun to hang out with. Brunch anyone?

 

Ashton drops some wisdom with a bold prediction about the first group date, “Rachel’s guy is not here today”. We’ve gotta believe he’s right. When this guy is the one to bring the heat…  …nobodys cooking with gas.

We got to see a bunch of dogs at a pool party with everybody’s favorite, current hit “Who Let the Dogs Out?” The only bright side of that decision is that somewhere one of the Baha Men got a residual check in the mail and it’s probably going a long way for some basic essentials.

After two weeks, Rachel seems to be doing pretty well. She’s keeping it light when it needs to be light and dropping bombs when it’s time for war. She even had the moxie to leave Chris Harrison standing alone on a high school basketball court!

Let’s get to the guys because this is already long and there’s still a lot of fat to trim. I’ll do my best but it’s hard because I can’t tell where one tool begins and another ends.

 

Adam manages to play basketball horribly and then talk himself further into the friendzone at a restaurant that looked a bit like a cross between the magic tree from Avatar and the hunting lodge of a mass murderer.

 

Alex sang what has to be Russia’s only romantic song to Rachel. It was so bad it was good and pumped more juice into the elderly mothers of America thinking to themselves, “Alex seems really sweet. If he wasn’t a comie I’d set him up with my daughter who can’t seem to meet anyone. Maybe she’s a lesbian. I sure enjoyed that program, Will and Grace.

 

No date for Tony. His week 2 performance is basically the embodiment of the facial expression in this picture.

 

Blake is a classic flow-killer. Everything about him screams it. His cheesy beard, his 90’s hair, his Henley that’s like an inch too low and yeah it’s only an inch but somehow it makes all the difference. His fake dog tags. He’s the guy you have to explain jokes to. He’s the guy you want to leave off the invite but the depth of that damn Henley just makes you feel sorry for him so you bring him out and he ends up telling the girls you’re flirting with about how sensual he felt at last months’ Enrique Iglesias concert and that he has over 100 candles in his apartment. Then you’ve gotta drive him home because while he rollerbladed to the bar, he doesn’t feel safe after midnight. After you drop him off you go make poor choices at a Taco Bell because you have to eat the frustration of being a good person and not cutting Blake out of your life.

 

Brady walked into a room. His hair looked phenomenal. Never sleep on a model. You know what I mean.

 

While the rest of the guys were off doing husband obstacle courses and failing at sports, our first impression rose winner spent his time at the Mansion getting geared up to provide some titillation in the best way he knows how—chiropractic adjustment. Can you feel the heat coming off that orthopedic table?

 

There’s a guy named Bryce?

 

Rachel is mistaking Dean for being confident because he made a bad joke on national television. But Dean is a pussy cat who can’t keep telling Rachel how amazing she is. One day it’ll all catch up to him and Rachel won’t believe what she’s done. Till then, I guess it’s good to be Dean.

 

DeMariWHOA!!!!!!! We suspected this guy might not be genuine, or even Genuwine.

 

It all starts off great for big D. The guy can dunk off a drop step. Even Old Kareem is impressed. But Demario’s made a crucial mistake. He’s dated a woman who is a big fan of reality show basketball teams who play once in obscure high school gyms on unannounced days. What are the chances the sane(?) and probably current girlfriend, Lexi shows up at that game? But that’s what Demario gets. Poor Lexi. I feel like she vapes and somehow still smells like cigarettes. Rachel tells Demario to get the eff word out and then walks past Chris Harrison who got all made up for nothing. But that’s not the last we’ve heard of DeMario. He wants to repair his image or else nobody he meets on whatever the bargain basement dating app is these days will give him the keys to her apartment. This probably isn’t going to end well for DeMario.

 

He dance-dribbled and was then clowned by Kareem and Rachel. If he weren’t here to fill the show’s quota for at least one personal trainer, Eric would have no business on this show. Looks like next week will be tough on the guy.

 

Not many people look like a “Fred” but in this case, I’m buying it. Fred’s chances to win this thing are not high. BUT, Fred’s chances to go in for a kiss and get an audible laugh from Rachel? Off the charts. Prepare your summer throw blankets to hide under. The reckoning is nigh.

 

In the romance game, Iggy is a fire-retardant blanket.

 

I would buy teeth whitener from a Jack Stone. I think that’s about as far as he’ll go in this thing. If Rachel’s gonna be into this guy it hasn’t happened yet.

 

Jamey is exactly as memorable as you’d think he’d be.

 

Jonathan is a big winner this week, even though he didn’t move any closer to Rachel’s heart. I figure every day Jonathan doesn’t murder or tickle anyone is a day we should all be grateful for.

 

This guy is not as good at hoops as he thinks but he can open mouth kiss his way to a group date rose. Probably the happiest to see that DeMario is probably long gone.

 

Kenny is a dad that lost a challenge about being a dad.

 

Lee almost fell out of the gym, literally. One second he was dribbling and the next he was tumbling. It’s like Monday night was the first time Lee had ever held a basketball, or even anything round. I get that not all of us are good at sports but what is Lee doing while other kids are playing? My guess is, “stupid stuff to his hair”. I want to punch Lee in the hair.

 

Waboom won the husband material challenge which calls into question the legitimacy of this whole show. Did a little digging and the guy got some kind of law degree from Berkley. That’s hard to do! Waboom is a secret genius.

 

Matt does some decent work in the paint, scores some put back buckets and he wears a purple headband to try and mask his thinning hair. For now, Matt is the rice that comes along side the Heavenly Beef. He’s filler.

 

Ladies and gentlemen here is your early favorite for next year’s Bachelor. Peter is whisked away to Palm Springs with Rachel and a 3-legged dog. I don’t know if he said more than 5 words the entire day. Rachel couldn’t stop talking around him. He mentioned seeing a relationship therapist (something I didn’t know existed, apologies to all of you relationship therapists out there) and Rachel thinks it’s the craziest coincidence that she too once saw a therapist. But that’s what we do when we’re in love. We make connections where they may not exist. We’ll have to wait and see if Peter is more than just a guy you’d see in a Men’s Warehouse commercial.

 

We’ll end with Will. Another in the long list of dudes that might have been kicked off during the first night.

After all that, they TBC us and we’re left to wonder what will happen with DeMario.

Till then, foreverlove yourselves to death.

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