Finale – Lost Man Found

And just like that it’s over.
.
We can all come out from under our throw blankets. What a fun ride we just took together, people! And a hats off to the editors of this show. After two hours I looked like a 14 year old female figure skater after nailing a triple axle. Happy, breathing heavy, and emotionally wasted.
Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 1.03.47 PM.png
..
The bait and switch was in full effect last night. But what else can you do when you’ve got a wire to wire winner like Lauren B? They had to throw us off the scent, and where better to be thrown than into the loving arms of JoJo, or “Double J’s” as we should’ve been calling her all along (boob joke). I feel like the JoJo house is a place where breast implants are given as a sweet 16 birthday present.
.
Back to the bait and switch. It was perfect. Even the way Ben interacted with the two women. When Lauren wanted a kiss she got a peck and an immediate head turn. Her dates this week were like one giant Christian side hug. With JoJo it was either sex panther or super soft frenching, like how delicate old people shake hands. So gentle. So tender. With mild quivering.
.
Ben got down on a bathroom floor for JoJo. But in reality it was a pity floor visit. I guess when you’re lost, that’s where you need to go to find yourself. Note to self.
.
And while we’re handing out awards, how bout Ben’s mom? She’s so diplomatic. She’s got a son who tells her he’s in love with two women but will somehow propose to one of them in a day or two and yet she’s totally composed without being weak. She’s even nice and supportive to the women. If she wasn’t spending her days with Ben’s dad in Warsaw Indiana I’d say she should be the next bachelorette. I hope, when she and Mr. Higgins are in bed and she’s rubbing mom hand lotion over her mom hands like mom’s do that Dave tells her just how great she is. Ben, Lauren, and Dave are all lucky to have her in their lives.
.
What else, what else. Some quick hitters:
  • When JoJo wears a top it’s gonna be low. There were laughs in the living room at her “engagement dress”. I feel like when she came out there were thousands of 14 year old boys watching with their moms and feeling really awkward. 14 year old boys watch this show, right?
  • Nice to see Dave Bushnell’s face again. It’s like a kitten holding a cotton ball. It’s like the socks you get for Christmas. Nice and soft.
  • How bout Ben’s pastor thumbing threw the Bible to kill time back stage. Was the direction to “do pastoral things”?
  • More men in the live audience this year than I can remember. In a world that’s trying to tear itself apart this show is bringing pepole together.
  • Did Lauren look different After the Rose? An upper lip filler? Brittany Spears hair extensions? Something was off. She looked a little Heidi Montag after that rat Spencer got a hold of her.
  • JoJo wa TAN. This could be as close as America will get to a black bachelorette.
.
Which brings us back to the editing. They made us happy for Ben and Lauren but rooting for JoJo. She’s now the perfect bachelorette.
.
Congrats to our winner. And to all of the ladies. And to all of you. This show is a commitment, and if you’re reading this now you made it all the way through. Remember all the glasses of wine. Remember sneaking away into the office bathroom and reading this on your phone between meetings.
.
I will miss you over the coming months. But know that I will foreverlove you…forever.
.
– Graeme
.
Here’s one last look at the women we came to know so kindofwell. If it helps, you can play Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” while you scroll.
.
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
.
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png

Queen of all the Laurens. 

 

Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
 We’ll see you in the summer, Double J’s.

 

Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png

It was just time. Sad that it had to come after spending a day at the beach with little Kinsley and JCharlie. Would Amanda have won even if she hadn’t made babies with a Laguna Beach Douche bag? 
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.23.19 AM.png
Who’s to say? But it just didn’t help her quest for foreverlove. It’s nothing personal, kids it’s just that Lauren B had this thing in the bag from night one. I hope Amanda is ok after all this. She handled herself with such grace at the end. Her parents seem totally lovely. Nothing against LA, I’ve spent weeks there, but I feel like Amanda needs to move to a sweeter city and find a nice church going man to love her and her two little girls. Are you telling me Boise wouldn’t flip out for a woman like Amanda? She seemed to hit it off with the people of WhereverBenIsFromIndiana. Maybe her future is waiting in an early 90’s lake house. Goodbye, Amanda. We’ll miss you. If you see a guy with a tribal tattoo wearing True Religion jeans and listening to 311, do not approach. 
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Uuuuuuugh. Caila’s jamacian journey began with the most awkward river adventure since Deliverance. Think of the poor river guide. He didn’t sign up for silence. That’s not why he got into the river guiding game. They stop and have some coconut water to make sure they stay regular while traveling internationally. And then it’s back to more awkward silence. Night time is the right time though, as Caila gets up the stones to tell Ben she loves him. He doesn’t say it back but they have a great night stand-up-kissing while fireworks blast in the distance. Yada yada yada, coffee on the veranda. It looks pretty great. But once you let Ben out of your sight he moves onto whatever’s next. 
 .
“Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire my love is blind can’t you see my desire?” 
.
I think what Miss Jackson (yeah, I’m nasty) is trying to say here is that Ben is attracted to shiny things. Caila’s great until he sees Lauren, who is amazing until he sees JoJo standing in a waterfall. I guess that’s the way love goes. 
 .
Caila gets the idea (given to her by the producers) to surprise Ben but it is she who will be surprised. He dumps her on some beachy steps and she handles it all like a champion. She tries to compartmentalize but realizes it’s too painful. And it’s painful for us! Caila will be saying goodbye. The only question is whether she’ll have to return those colorful tank tops she bought at the resort gift shop.
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   
 .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
 .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
  .
   . 
.
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.   
.
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.26 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.13 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.50 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.05 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.18 AM.png
Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
.
.
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
.
   .
Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
Advertisements

Women Tell All

Well, the women came. And the women told all. Curiously, there wasn’t all that much to tell.

Ben is a great guy.

People get offended really easily and accept apologies really easily too.

We got our token man in the audience, sitting in the awkwardness of knowing the depths of how whipped he is with all of America watching him in an outfit that was bought and ironed for him. There’s no watching the show from the shadows at that point. Being that token guy can either break a man or set him free.

Screen Shot 2016-03-08 at 10.14.18 AM.png

.
With this being sort of a non-episode, I will touch on the high(low) points and we’ll get back to serious biz next week. That doesn’t mean you can’t cuddle up with a springtime throw blanket and a fruity chardonnay (unless you’re reading this on the toilet).
.
Onward.
.
While there weren’t any big bombshells dropped, some of women told more than we cared to know and yes we’re looking at you, Jamie—this year’s back-row-chatter-box-who-we-don’t-really-care-about. If you left the show before it got interesting, just sit there and look chesty. You got to wear a revealing dress and hang out on a television stage with flattering lighting for a night. I bet you got to go through a cool backstage door with an official lanyard. I bet there were free snacks in the green room. Just appreciate the cold cuts and let Lace talk in the third person without interrupting her.
.
Humility is an interesting thing. Some people are blind to it. I go to salsa dance classes with my wife every week to stay grounded. So horribly grounded.
Screen Shot 2016-03-08 at 10.12.32 AM.png
.
Judging by Olivia’s performance last night I’d say she does not go to salsa dance classes with my wife every week. After watching the show back, Olivia came to the set last night thinking she was the victim. Like the show was titled “Olivia, With the Bachelor Ben Higgins.” What has she done to correct her breath problems? She talked about walking into rooms as a child and things getting quiet. I don’t want to downplay bullying because bullying is the worst but is there a chance the kids got quiet for Olivia because she was calling them out on the playground or using them as pawns to get better cafeteria privileges?
.
I’m curious to see what’s next for Olivia. Will she fade into the wind like a fart before you get onto the bus? Or will she write a book about being bullied where she says things like, “All the fat girls in 4th grade were just jealous of my pretty eyes. When they weren’t chugging down the chocolate milk they would just sit there and not tell me how amazing I was. And that really hurt. But it gets better, kids #blessed.”
.
Quick hits:
.
Emily was slightly outraged and probably confused by a lot of things.
.
Lace was perfectly Lace. I imagine it’s hard to be Facebook friends with her. That she posts a lot of inspirational quotes with scenery backgrounds.
Screen Shot 2016-03-08 at 10.02.59 AM.png
.
I wish Leah was called out more for lying. She was strange all night. Reminds me of another blonde who has trouble deciphering human emotions and signals.
Screen Shot 2016-03-08 at 10.05.03 AM.png
.
Caila carries herself so well. But again, the way she interacts is really unique. It’s like she pauses after being asked a question to compute the perfect answer and then delivers it flawlessly. She’s like a really old computer that takes awhile to load an answer. Or like if you’re talking on the phone to a genius overseas and there’s that second and a half delay. Caila is like those things with a pretty face and a need to make out.
.
Jubilee was called out for some stuff but it was pretty dumb. She’s one of a kind. I hope she finds somebody who will fit with her.
.
Ben did well. He wasn’t grilled too hard on telling two women he loves them. I think it’s because Chris Harrison is trying to maintain Ben’s standing as a Bachelor legend. We’ll see how America feels about Ben next week.
.
And that’s it. We are now fully prepared for whatever happens next week. Ben on a bathroom floor. Tears. Helicopters. Phone calls. He sounds happy about it all. Will the airing of the show do anything to change his lover’s mind? Tune in.
.
Yours in foreverlove,
Graeme

Week 9 – Double the Foreverlove

When I was 11 I went to the pantry and grabbed a little can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. I then calmly walked down to the garage, opened the can, placed it on the ground, put a firecracker into it, lit the firecracker, and stood directly over it to see what would happen. At no point during any of these steps did I consider what would happen or that I was stupid. It was like my brain shut off and when I came too I was standing in the middle of my garage with ravioli all over my face and in my hair. Immediately I thought, “that was a bad idea.”
.
Ben Higgins doesn’t have a can of ravioli or a firecracker. Ben Higgins has three women and a fantasy suite.
.
What in the heck is he doing???!!!! Did his brain shut off for 3 days? Is he secretly evil? Bachelor Superfan Joe Gerlitz suggested on Facebook that Ben is Kaiser Soze.
He might be right. Or is Ben just a guy who’s painted himself into a corner only he’s too dumb to know what paint is?
.
Whatever the case, Ben’s actions left me again, watching most of last night’s episode under my trusty throw blanket. Toes curled. Body in full cringe.
.
But that’s the burden we accept when we agree to watch this show. It can’t just be about laps around a high school track in a convertible and hottubs in the middle of nowhere. This show cuts to the core.
.
We should’ve seen it coming. Nothing good ever happens at Sandals Jamaica. Ask Jan Levinson.
.
So grab an oaky chardonnay and hold tight to someone you love (unless you’re reading this on the toilet).
.
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
.

.

Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
It was just time. Sad that it had to come after spending a day at the beach with little Kinsley and JCharlie. Would Amanda have won even if she hadn’t made babies with a Laguna Beach Douche bag? 
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.23.19 AM.png
Who’s to say? But it just didn’t help her quest for foreverlove. It’s nothing personal, kids it’s just that Lauren B had this thing in the bag from night one. I hope Amanda is ok after all this. She handled herself with such grace at the end. Her parents seem totally lovely. Nothing against LA, I’ve spent weeks there, but I feel like Amanda needs to move to a sweeter city and find a nice church going man to love her and her two little girls. Are you telling me Boise wouldn’t flip out for a woman like Amanda? She seemed to hit it off with the people of WhereverBenIsFromIndiana. Maybe her future is waiting in an early 90’s lake house. Goodbye, Amanda. We’ll miss you. If you see a guy with a tribal tattoo wearing True Religion jeans and listening to 311, do not approach. 
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Uuuuuuugh. Caila’s jamacian journey began with the most awkward river adventure since Deliverance. Think of the poor river guide. He didn’t sign up for silence. That’s not why he got into the river guiding game. They stop and have some coconut water to make sure they stay regular while traveling internationally. And then it’s back to more awkward silence. Night time is the right time though, as Caila gets up the stones to tell Ben she loves him. He doesn’t say it back but they have a great night stand-up-kissing while fireworks blast in the distance. Yada yada yada, coffee on the veranda. It looks pretty great. But once you let Ben out of your sight he moves onto whatever’s next.
 .
“Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire my love is blind can’t you see my desire?” 
.
I think what Miss Jackson (yeah, I’m nasty) is trying to say here is that Ben is attracted to shiny things. Caila’s great until he sees Lauren, who is amazing until he sees JoJo standing in a waterfall. I guess that’s the way love goes.
 .
Caila gets the idea (given to her by the producers) to surprise Ben but it is she who will be surprised. He dumps her on some beachy steps and she handles it all like a champion. She tries to compartmentalize but realizes it’s too painful. And it’s painful for us! Caila will be saying goodbye. The only question is whether she’ll have to return those colorful tank tops she bought at the resort gift shop.
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   
 .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
 .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
Shiny object number #2 runs onto the scene and jumps into Ben’s arms, lips puckered up and everything. And I just…I can’t understand how he could greet her with anything more than a hand shake, or maybe a top gun high 5 after spending the night with Lauren. But I guess that is the reason I’m writing about this show and not staring in it. That and carbohydrates. JoJo looks at home in a waterfall and that might be what Ben is loving. They are tender mammaries.Memories is what they are making. Memories.
 .
JoJo tells Ben she loves him and he returns the sentiment. She’s so caught off guard it’s actually pretty adorable. You can see her brain start shopping for china before she can get any words out. And it’s gut wrenching because this is literally the happiest moment of a person’s life we’re witnessing and we know it’s all meaningless. Even if Ben picks JoJo in the end, she’ll know that his love doesn’t mean anything.
 .
The two of them go off and have a wonderful time in the fantasy suit because that’s what Ben does best. Later at the rose ceremony, JoJo is full of confidence and it’s just ridiculous to watch. She gives a toast and then takes part in one of the most awkward TV hugs of all time. What are her brothers thinking as they watch this latest episode back in Dallas? Probably, “Heck yeah, Make America Great Again. High five bro!”
..
.
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
Gosh dang it. She finally gets up the nerve to tell Ben she loves him and he tells her back and we can all live in happy bliss for like what, 8 minutes? I mean, they prayed for turtles together!!!! That means something. It’s so obvious that these two are great together but Ben is strangely right about something very important—that Lauren is too good for him. Sidenote. Lauren walks like a german shepherd with bad hips. Or like she’s 8 months pregnant. Can we get her some more orthopedic shoes? You know, the beige kind with the velcro straps?
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.   
.
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.26 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.13 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.50 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.05 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.18 AM.png
Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
.
.
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
.
   .
Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
What the heck is gonna happen? I have no idea. The women tell all should be really interesting. On top of all this telling two women you love them stuff, we get to see how Lace is doing and if Olivia has learned anything from the show. I’m going to walk down to the market and stare out into Puget Sound for answers. See you next Tuesday.
.
Foreverlove,
– Graeme

 

Week 8 – Hometowns

How am I going to do this? It’s easier to point out “opportunities for life improvement” in women who choose to be a part of this show. It’s another thing to talk about the families. It’s complicated!
.
If you live in Dallas and wear a shawl collar sweater with no undershirt, you are fair game. But if you’re the CEO of a toy factory and somebody convinced you to that Cross Colors orange denim was a good idea, well that’s tougher to poke fun at.
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.15.20 AM.png
For the most part, we all got out of last night unscathed. There were no unbearably awesome talks with dad. “I know I’m dating 3 other women but I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage if I chose to go that route sir.”
.
We got to wonder again how much of the furniture in these houses is staged vs how many normal folks shopped the same Pier 1 Imports sale back in 2002.
.
We had not one but two ambiguously ethnic moms.
.
Ben and the women FINALLY got to eat the food.
.
And when all was said and done, nobody had the lady-stones to tell Ben they loved him.
.
So much to process, let’s get it going.
.
Grab some champaign and drink straight from the bottle (unless you’re reading this on the toilet?).

..

And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.. .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
It was just time. Sad that it had to come after spending a day at the beach with little Kinsley and JCharlie. Would Amanda have won even if she hadn’t made babies with a Laguna Beach Douche bag?
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.23.19 AM.png
Who’s to say? But it just didn’t help her quest for foreverlove. It’s nothing personal, kids it’s just that Lauren B had this thing in the bag from night one. I hope Amanda is ok after all this. She handled herself with such grace at the end. Her parents seem totally lovely. Nothing against LA, I’ve spent weeks there, but I feel like Amanda needs to move to a sweeter city and find a nice church going man to love her and her two little girls. Are you telling me Boise wouldn’t flip out for a woman like Amanda? She seemed to hit it off with the people of WhereverBenIsFromIndiana. Maybe her future is waiting in an early 90’s lake house. Goodbye, Amanda. We’ll miss you. If you see a guy with a tribal tattoo wearing True Religion jeans and listening to 311, do not approach. 
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
It all makes sense. Caila’s dad is a CEO of a toy factory. He looks like a child with some sort of disease that ages him. Is this a Josh Baskin in Big kind of a thing?
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.31.16 AM.png
Or maybe he and his wife couldn’t have children so he poured a bunch of sugar and toy parts into the machines in his giant factory and lightening struck at just the right moment. When the smoke cleared, there was little Caila. She feels like a toy trying to act like a real human. Back to dad. His pants were phenomenal. He spoke with the authority of a CEO but looked like a child actor all grown up. Like, he used to be adorable but age did what age does. Caila’s mom was a hurricane of enthusiasm and adult braces. One of my favorite moms in years. The only painful part of the date came when Caila whispered to both her parents that Ben is the one. This could end painfully. Will it be like The Electric Grandmother if Ben rejects Caila? Will that mean she’ll be forced to leave by helicopter? I don’t know if Electric Grandmother rules apply to all manufactured humans. (If you get that reference it means you also have seen the saddest movie ever made.)
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
I’m no fashion expert but I feel like JoJo has been making questionable decisions all season long. Last night we got to see the matching set of plunging gold necklace with bracelet/finger chain. Seeing JoJo’s family’s house made me feel vindicated. Big, gaudy, Dallas. Gosh dang that was a cast of characters. I don’t know if her mom is ethnic or just has a hard time speaking through all the lip fillers. There’s a real face in there somewhere but strange things have happened over the years. Her dad looks like most of the faces from Guess Who.
Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 11.42.20 AM.png

Her oldest brother was either hearing impaired, drunk, or just punch-worthy. Her younger brother with the sweater looked like he either shaves his entire body or he’s got all the hair of a dolphin under there. He sat back all night sipping a water bottle, flexing his forearms, telling Ben he wasn’t good enough, and interrupting his own mother (WHO WAS DRINKING CHAMPAIGN STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE!!!!!!). It’s a wonder JoJo came out of that place with what seems like a fun personality. It’s also not a surprise that “Chad” her ex seems like a pretty emotionally abusive guy. Am I psychologist? No. But I was a Natural Helper in high school. Those skills make it easier to diagnose these types of things. They also got me out of World Civ a few times. I just felt like the entire evening at JoJo’s house was like when you sit down to eat a bag of peanuts and you’re excited about them and everything is going ok until you get to the one really gross peanut. You just kind of have to chew through the experience and it kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth. JoJo’s family is a gross peanut. If I were Ben I would run for the hills. I would also enjoy having a really high metabolism.

Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
I couldn’t be less surprised with Lauren’s family. Her dad looks like he’s never had to shave a day in his life. His face looks lamb soft and he has rosy cheeks you just wanna squeeze. He’s like the hummel figurine your grandma kept next to the hard candies. I’ll bet he smells like baby powder. Lauren’s mom was really pretty. Her sister looked like an older woman who had plastic surgery to look younger. Her oldest brother has a “face for theater…”notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat. I feel like it doesn’t get any whiter than Lauren’s family. The house, in the suburbs, of Portland. A lot of NCIS has been watched on that couch. There’s a picture of all of them standing in tall grass somewhere in that house and it’s framed. 100%. When her mom dances I’ll bet she claps her hands like the old hispanic lady making tortillas at every chain mexican restaurant. There are Lexus keys sitting on a Lands End catalog in the kitchen and so on and so forth. Ben loves Lauren. He cried just thinking about it. Lauren loves him right back. Why not tell him? Live boldly, you two! Who can’t see both their parents getting along famously at a California Pizza Kitchen?
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
 It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.26 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.13 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.50 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.05 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.18 AM.png
Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
.
.
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
.
   .
   Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
We made it! And I don’t think I’m going to hell for anything I said! Next week looks EPIC. Mistakes. Questions. Things are said. This could be the first time a Bachelor tells TWO women he loves them. I can’t wait. Gonna do some crunches to get ready for beach(watching)bod season.

 

In foreverlove,

G

Week 7 – I don’t like vegetables

If last week’s episode was emotional Hurricane Katrina, this week’s was what’s left after the storm. Sweet, fragile, women picking themselves up, taking stock of their lives, and trading bad jewelry while sipping tea in tattered sweaters and yoga pants.
It was like everybody involved with the show needed to catch his or her breath after Olivia was left to die on that Privateisland™. And where best to regroup than Warsaw Indiana, the Orthopedic Capital of the world. If you airbnb only one distinctly 90’s lake house this summer, airbnb in Warsaw Indiana. Where breakfast is served anytime and special needs kids hit half court shots on the regular. #halfcourtronnie
Group dates are shorter here. One-on-ones pop up in backyards, dive bars, and drive thru’s. Apparently, it’s no place for a woman that doesn’t like vegetables. More on that later.
I invite you to fire up the old, red chevy pickup in your pants (no clue what that means) and join me for some precious remembering. (unless you’re reading this on the toilet?).
Let’s dive in and see how the ladies did.

..

And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
For weeks we’ve thought Amanda was great. But is she? What do we know about her? She married a giant douchebag. She has a daughter whose name sounds like Jarlie. That’s kind of it. And, I hate to say this because it’s not super sweet but the integrity of this blog depends on honesty—she’s kind of a two-face. Sometimes, totally cute. Other times it looks like she’s spent her life smoking cigars in a tanning bed. Jerry Seinfeld knows what I’m talking about…
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 11.37.14 AM.png
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca goes home and my bachelor bracket is busted. She just didn’t have enough in the emotional tank. She’s like the foie gras I had on Valentines day: fancy but kinda bland.  And it’s a shame too that Becca didn’t cry in front of Ben because she’s kind of a pretty crier. Now is not the time to leave a weapon like that in the… place where weapons are stored. Gosh, that place needs a name. Maybe it has one and I just don’t know what it is because I wasn’t allowed to watch GI Joe or The A-Team. There will be those that wonder whether or not we’ve seen the last of Becca. I for one hope she gets back to being a chiropractic assistant…moving on.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Caila cries but gets into the final four. At this point she’s gotta be seen as bringing up the rear but it’s before Ben gets a taste of instant fatherhood next week with lil’kinsly and jarlieballs. Caila’s dad looks like a wax museum character who was left out under a hot lamp too long. But that’s for next week.
  .
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
And just when you thought the episode was too saccharine sweet, Emily happened. America’s toes curled when we watched her precious moments unfold with Ben’s parents. Dreams of becoming an NFL cheerleader. She like movies. She likes ducks. She does not like vegetables. She has a tough time completing a sentence and the whole time she’s talking you just know that Ben’s parents are searching for polite ways to tell their son that they’d like Emily to be escorted off their property. But it’s not their fault. This is their son. And it’s not Emily’s fault. That’s just who she is. And the boat ride back. The silent boat ride back where we all knew she was toast but she thought she would be shopping for rings upon docking. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen boat ride that uncomfortable. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.26.51 PM.pngBut this isn’t the end for Emily. She’ll grow. She’ll change. She’ll take this experience and shape a life with it. I think Emily came a long way in her journey and she helped swing a lot of people in her favor. For that, she is a winner.   .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo gets whisked away to Chicago for a dream date in Wrigley Field. Heck, I’d throw on a Cubs jersey that said “Mrs. Higgins” on the back for a chance to hit some balls around the Friendly Confines. Gosh dang that burger looked good on the table they were sitting at. Do the sound guys just stand there and stare at the food, waiting for the go ahead to eat what’s left untouched?
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 1.57.45 PM.png
Unlike JoJo I would not have sinking hands when rubbing Ben’s stomach. It’s like JoJo has a magnet on her wrist that’s being pulled southbound if you know what I’m saying. Seems like she wants to take their relationship to the next level and no I’m not talking about going to an Exploring Engagement class at Ben’s church. I’m talking about second base. Now we’re mixing baseball metaphors while they’re laying down inside a baseball stadium. This is getting confusing. JoJo is afraid to give herself fully to Ben because she doesn’t know how he feels. That suggests she’s a normal human person. As long as she doesn’t have epically douchey brothers, JoJo should be good to go next week at the hometowns…eep.

.   .

Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
Unless something crazy happens, LoBo has this thing locked up. Her dad has the softest skin. He looks like a man who’s never had to shave a day in his life. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lauren shines in the local YMCA gym. She doesn’t seem grossed out by the kids. She kisses Ben when nobody’s looking. Later, she doesn’t ask questions about that weird loft they went to for their conversation about Leah calling her out. What was up with that place? They were in an out of it so quickly and it was just a random room with cheap furniture in it. Did they rent it by the hour? Is it Ben’s dad’s office lobby? We need more information. The Bachelor with Directors commentary. Once this blog takes off I’m going to spend my lavish resources on a microphone and sell DVD’s of seasons past with fake director’s commentary. “Brian Austin Green got Invisaline braces in this little room. There’s a plaque on the wall. If you look real hard you can see it.” You get the point.
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
 It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.26 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.13 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.50 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.05 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.18 AM.png
Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
.
.
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
.
   .
   Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
  .

That’s all for now. Enjoy your weeks and get emotionally ready for what looks like another amazing tour of American hometowns.

In foreverlove,

G

Week 6 – Hot dogs in the water

Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 9.42.09 AM.png
Good gravy what a good season. When the final credits rolled last night I was like Chris Pine after the Selma song at last year’s oscars.
.
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 9.14.14 AM.png
.
Most of the women know how ridiculous this whole thing is. So does Ben. And yet, they can’t help but fall into the trap. It’s amazing because for maybe the first time ever it’s giving us a glimpse at what happens when normal people get caught up in this show. It’s the same reason we all look forward to Monday nights so much. It’s almost like we’re watching ourselves, and as it turns out, we aren’t boring! We’re friggin awesome!
.
Last night’s episode was probably built with Olivia’s exit as a climax but by the time she was left for dead on that island we’d already seen so much.
..
Tears at a rose ceremony.
Leah’s becoming a stone cold sociopath.
Chicken dogs in the water.
Caila’s strange.
.
And probably the biggest moment of the night, the realization that Grey’s Anatomy is still on! When will it end? Gosh, when did it begin? Weren’t we all SMS text messaging each other about Grey’s when the plane hit the second tower?
.
Last night’s episode was the kind of thing that the show’s producers and directors can be proud of. It’s like what Mozart must’ve felt like as he tucked himself into full body pajamas and sleeping makeup.
.
Let’s dive in and see how the ladies did.

..

And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long agoThe most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
I like, like Amanda because like I think, like she means well and like you can like see the connection she like has with Ben and every like time she like gets to like talk to him they like seem to like really like hit it off. Even though last night’s like lighting made like all of the women like kind of look like guys with makeup on, like amanda like still looked like OK. That’s like gotta mean like something. Right?
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Things are getting real and Becca might be making a connection at the right time. She’s got a ton of ground to make up because Lauren B is at least two lengths ahead. This is like Seabuscuit vs Warhorse only the opposite because Becca is about twice the size of Lauren B. The last time I watched Seabiscuit i kept waiting for Diane Lane to show up. Turns out she’s in a different horse movie. #Life
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Caila’s sweetness made us drop our gaurds for a few weeks. We forgot that she was the one who dumped her boyfriend for a guy on TV. Imagine if your boyfriend came up to you and said, “Hey, the thing is you’re great but I just watched Big Bang Theory and turns out 1) that show really is terrible, and 2) I am in love with Miam Bialik. So we’re done and I’m moving to Hollywood to be with her.” That would make you mad but then you’d probably immediately be grateful for dodging a big time bullet. I feel like there are a bunch of people watching who know Caila in real life and are just waiting for things to get uncomfortable.
  .
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
Normally you’d be happy if an underdog took out a bully. But this is like if David was from Vegas and wore terrible jewelry and was bad at everything and you always kind of thought he was really just a 7th grader with some kind of liver disease that ages him up about 10 years. Sure you’d enjoy him killing goliath but at the end of the day, he’s still pretty bad too. Wasn’t that island big enough for both Emily and Olivia to be left for dead?
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer. She left without being giving a shot. And here’s the thing, it was kind of sad. All the girls in the house knew how great she is, and yet Olivia and Emily, and even crazy Leah were left standing with roses. Jennifer could be the one that got away for Ben. I could see him watching this back and kicking himself for letting her go. But don’t cry for Jennifer. She’ll step back into wherever she’s from and dominate the dating scene. Odds are she’s already married and pregnant by now. It’s what morals and low cut tops will get you. There. We learned something.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png

It’s looking more and more like JoJo will find herself in one of the last limos to leave paradise. I think she’ll lose out to Lauren B and find herself back in a similar tropical place a year from now, standing on some cliff, looking into the distance for answers as the next bachelorette. The pigs were drawn to her, for whatever that’s worth.

.   .

Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
It just continues for Lauren B. Hurricane crazy came at her with totally unfounded claims but it doesn’t look like any punches landed. Good for Ben for being able to diagnose Leah’s cluelessness. You can’t tell from this picture, but Lauren has a child-size mouth. Side to side it’s gotta be no wider than a hostess donette. Having a small mouth probably makes swallowing a bug really bad because part of it is always touching you. Something to think about.
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.06.18 AM.png
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png

It was just time. Lauren H is perfectly likable and she’ll be fine. She belongs on a soccer sideline in yoga pants and cute mittens. It’s what she wants. Still, she couldn’t escape the breakdown in the back of the SUV which surprised me. I would think Lauren H was prepared enough to not let that happen to her. I could see Lauren H trying to talk too much at the women tell all. I could also see her going on Bachelors in Paradise because she believes in finding love on TV a little too much.    .

   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
What the heck was that???? Leah just completely broke. This is dangerous stuff. It’s like when my fear of heights kicks in and I get worried I’ll just inexplicably lose control of my faculties and jump out of a high window. Have we ever seen such a desperate act on this show? And have we ever seen it carried out so poorly? It was like watching one of those cat videos where the little guy is perched on a ledge about to jump to the counter and you’re sitting there saying, “Oh no…don’t do it little guy…you’re not gonna make it.” Only when a cat falls it’s cute. Leah is like Hot Rod from the movie, Hot Rod. 
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.26 AM.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.13 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.22.50 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.05 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-02-09 at 10.23.18 AM.png
Leah, the Women Tell All could be really embarrassing for you. Own up quickly. Apologize. And may God have mercy on your soul. 
.
.
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
And just like that, it’s over. One of the most fascinating contestants this franchise has ever known, is gone. Taken out by a women her own age that Olivia referred to as someone she’d have to babysit. Just days prior Olivia stated her case for being different than the other woman by saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Olivia likes to read books. She likes politics and religion. She isn’t interested in things like doing her nails, or (catty alert!!!) tending to her blonde beard which came out of nowhere on that cold, damp island. I feel like Olivia is one of those people that invites you to something fun, like sailing. Only you get there and the music on the boat is really stuffy and instead of beer she has not enough wine, and the food is all whole grain and she demands you wear a life jacket which kills any chance at an even tan and no you can’t go swimming because water isn’t allowed on the surface of the boat but yes you’re invited to talk about the Arab Spring and if you ask her if she’s watching anything on Netlflix she says, “what’s that? I’m sorry, if it isn’t a play I haven’t seen it.” If you’re Olivia, what do you do now? Where do you go? My guess is she’ll probably be super annoying about learning a lot and growing. Maybe she’ll get a gig on The View or Fox and Friends. She’ll probably wear a sweater tied around her shoulders, and not ironically. I feel like Olivia could actually be cool if she went to like a summer therapy program where she could just be around normal patient people who could tell her to just stop it anytime she got annoying. The Women Tell All is gonna be something else. 
.
   .
   Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
  .
Well, that was fun, and if you watched what’s left to come this season you know it doesn’t stop here! If you know people who aren’t watching, get them plugged in! If you know people who aren’t reading this blog, spread the word! All sharing is appreciated as my hope is to one day make enough money off this show to pay for our basement remodel.
   .
In foreverlove,
G

Week 5 – Crickets

Apparently there was something happening in Iowa last night. Chris Souls showered outside of a barn. Also, politics.
.
And so, quickly, while I didn’t watch the caucus (I had to google that to spell it right), let’s see how our presidential hopefuls did.
.
Ted Cruz
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.12.16 PM.png
Is he evil? Probably. Is he the kind of evil that sleeps in footie pajamas? Definitely.
.
.
Donald Trump
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.13.08 PM.png
Tump is like if Hitler had way too much sodium in his diet.
.
.
Hilary Clinton
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.14.06 PM.png
OK fine I’ll admit it. I used to think she was kidna hot when I was in 9th grade.
.
.
Bernie Sanders
Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 12.14.51 PM.png
He’s like a friendly grandpa only instead of giving you hard candies and smelling like soup he advocates for the poor and marginalized.
.
.
There. Hard hitting journalism. Hopefully that level of know-how and scrutiny helps my mom feel less embarrassed that her son writes a blog about the Bachelor. Either way, it’s time to focus on what’s really important.
.
What a night! The emotional swings. The “say whaaaaaaaaat?”s. The sleeping retainers!
.
We got to see Mexico from the skies and experience the romantic setting of two people and a cameraman, and a Mexican guy pulling a cord, all in a tiny whicker box.
.
An American hero went home. An American villain got a rose. There was cooking. There was prom jewelry. There was dragon breath. Ben’s fashion show hair deserves its own blog but I don’t have the time or funds to get bensblowout.com off the ground.
.
Let’s just get to the ladies.
.
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
We got more Amanda this week, but did we really? We know she’s cute. We know her ex husband is about as douchey as it gets. We were getting to know her visititation rights and carpool schedule before Olivia referred to Amanda’s life as an episode of Teen Mom. But apart from that, Amanda doesn’t show a ton of emotion. Feel, Amanda. Maybe Ben could watch Amanda watching We Bought a Zoo. That movie. Every time it makes me cry. And yes, that does mean I’ve seen We Bought a Zoo more than once.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
The only thing Becca did was wear the strangest little top knot I’ve ever seen. There just doesn’t seem to be a huge spark there. This could kill my bracket. Get in the game, girl!
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Caila did what Caila does. She smiled and frenched. Ben probably thinks of his time with Caila as a nice break from the talking about nothing. A time that he can just relax his mind and let his lips do the work. It’s exactly what happens with me when I’m eating a Reuben sandwich.
  .
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
Emily isn’t good at cooking, or school work, or talking, or thinking. The one thing she does well is Irish line dancing. Sadly for her, we’ve already seen it. If she gets farther than last night I will be shocked.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer is starting to become fascinating. She REALLY doesn’t say or do anything and yet she’s still around. Did the producers forget that she’s here? What do you say about somebody you’re around all the time but don’t know at all all? I guess it’s like seeing the same people on the bus every morning and not talking to them but wondering where it is they spend their days. Maybe that’s enough to base a relationship on.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo has reminded me of a movie character this whole time but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until now. She might not do inappropriate things to you under the family dinner table BUT, she’s got a little bit of Wedding Crashers Stage 4 Clinger in her.
images.jpeg
And still, I bet she’s around for a hometown. Ben only looks at one other woman the way he looks at JoJo. If she isn’t the winner, I could see her as the next bachelorette.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes was a fan favorite. So real, but so not suited to date the same guy as her 10 friends. Jubilee is like what would happen if any of you normal folks out there tried to go on the bachelor and took it seriously. You would charm because you are charming but ultimately it would be hard to kiss a guy when he tastes like whatever is coming out of Olivia’s mouth. We will miss Jubilee. She left an impression. And like Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, and my hairline, Jubilee left us too soon. Godspeed, friend. We will miss you. “Taps” – a trumpet
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
If ABC is trying to hide the fact that Lauren B and Ben are in love, man are they doing a bad job of it. For the past few weeks I thought Lauren would give in to being the next bachelorette but after last night I just don’t see her turning down a life with Ben. I mean a life. Like, a loooong, liiiiiife with Ben. Unless he does something really stupid, these two are getting married. Forget the proposal. I could see them asking Neil Lane to get his Officiant license online and marrying them right there on the beach. Or maybe it’ll all go to H. We’ll have to wait and see.
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
Who saw that coming? She was friend zoned with no hopes of getting a rose and Lauren H dominated that date. It was like Villanova Georgetown in ’85 amiright? She’s got depth to go with the muppet mouth and midwestern accent. She’s actually super likable. I bet all of her little dude kindergartners have crushes on her. I had a crush on a girl in Kindergarten.  I also had to sit and watch an anti smoking video in kindergarten because a kid put a cigarette in my pocket at the bus stop and when I showed up to school they thought I was a smoker.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
At this point, she’s Jennifer with blonde hair. And I get it. If I was a producer and saw the crap that Olivia pulls on a second-by-second basis I would be focusing on her too, from a distance because of the breath problems. But Leah deserves more. She’s a favorite of the male reading population.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png

Could this be it for Olivia????? And did it come from the hand of Emily, the least likely of the women to do anything well??? The arrogance is amazing. How did she get the group date rose just seconds after Jubilee went home? It was like if you took away a child’s ice cream cone and then kicked him square in the junk. She cooked with crickets. Her breath was so bad that Ben begged a mexican farmer for more mint. How is Olivia going to do at the Women Tell All? Will she fake cry to get sentiment or is she even aware that America doesn’t like her? She’s got that Anne Hathaway thing where it seems like she’s on all the time. I just, I don’t even know. Somehow we’ll have to wait a week to find out what happens. How am I supposed to work or remember to eat food?

 

   .
   Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
  .
They ToBeContinued us, those bastards! Who knows what we’ll get next week. They gave us a “this season on”. It’s a time to be strong right now. Hold on and hold fast. We will get our answers.
   .
In foreverlove,
G

Week 4 – Viva Las Vegas!

And what a viva it was. Like looking back in a mirror. Only instead of the penthouse suite, the helicopter, and the talent show, my Vegas is walking around for hours looking for a $5 black jack table, diet coke and whisky, the lazy river at MGM, and my buddy brent sleeping on the floor because the other queen bed in our room is packed with two other dudes. Thrifty.
  .
But this isn’t about me. It isn’t about us. And it sure as H isn’t about Brent. It’s about the most romantic gesture ever: an anonymous neon billboard acknowledging that the man you are dating is also dating 13 other women and that he will see you soon. That sign made Sleepless in Seattle look like a dog turd.
  .
It didn’t end with the sign. We also got a healthy dose of high shorts, helicopter wind, wiener dogs, weddings, a mom blouse, some subtle frenching, a fake panic attack, puppet porn, and a pitty hug.
  .
Also bubbling under the surface is a battle to be fought by Ben Higgins and ABC. More on that to come…
  .
Grab a midday merlot (unless you’re reading this on the toilet) and lets see how the ladies did.
  .
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
Amanda continues to lay back, SoCal style. Looks like she’s attacked next week because when a man and a woman love each other the man puts his weenis in the woman’s vasheen and then that love creates a little baby that lives in the woman’s belly for 9 months until the placenta falls to the floor hashtag the band Live and then the man and the woman do that again and name the second daughter Charlie or Jarlie we’re not quite sure because Amanda’s voice is really high and it’s hard to understand her sometimes.
 . .
  .
  .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
It had to happen. I feel like Amber was acting in a show nobody but her knew existed. It was like when the first season of Big Brother happened back in like 2001 and all the people in there thought they were stars but then a plane flew by with a big sign that said “NOBODY’S WATCHING”. At least that’s what I heard happened. Amber is super sad to leave and stops to cry within earshot of Ben, hoping to get 5 more minutes on screen. When that doesn’t work she crumples into a pool chair and sobs. Still no Ben. Did Amber stop and say, “Can we do that again? I can do better.” only to look up and see that all the cameras had gone? Hopefully she really is OK and dating a nice man in chicago. Till next time (we hope not).
  .
  .
  . 
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
My wife and I filled out brackets and I chose Becca as my winner. I needed her to deliver last night and she kind of did. Ben seems hesitant. Is it because he fancies himself a super emotional guy? Does he think he needs a woman to match? Or does he need a woman to be super emotional so he can feel strong? So many questions. Everybody seems to love Becca. But does Ben? I’m basing her winning on one thing: her jumpshot. We saw it a few weeks ago and it was silky smooth. I think you can base a relationship on something like that.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Caila is the bizarro Olivia. She’s humble and sweet and then surprisingly sex panther’y. Olivia is prideful, mean and when she tries to be sexy 1,200 people act like somebody’s farted in their faces. Caila and Olivia also have different colored hair. This is perfect.
  .
  . 
  .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
Emily stays, i think. Is it harder to be the dominant twin? Always being chosen for things and having to watch out for you weaker self? I don’t know. There’s only one of me. I’m glad she’s alone though. I can’t take that much terrible jewelry at once.
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Is there healing power in twins tears or is that unicorns? I need to watch Harry Potter again. And not just because this reminded me to do it. Because Harry Potter is friggin awesome. Ok, Haley gets left behind in that den of wiener dogs. But at least she has her mom to fall back on. It really was kind of sad. That’s gotta be tough to be second best to someone who is basically exactly like you. This show is harsh! At least we know that Haley was loved in the past because there were pictures of her ex all over the place. Good luck in the future, Haley. 
  .
  .
  . 
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
  .
  .
  .
 Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
  .
  .
  .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Jennifer is this season’s Samantha. She’s pretty? She has dark hair. She doesn’t say a word and she keeps getting roses. We’ve gotta have a one on one coming up soon. We can’t live in mystery forever.
   .
  .
   . 
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo heads out to her one on one wearing shorts i don’t understand. I feel like they were really top heavy and really really ripped. Pair that with a shirt that almost blew off in the helicopter wind and it’s just the kind of stuff about women that I will never get. Kind of like 7th grade algebra. But JoJo’s got game and Ben is into her. She could go deep in this thing. Keep your eyes on JoJo.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Jubes is just kinda great but she isn’t made for this game at all. It’s like, I enjoy tuna fish sandwiches. I like eating tuna sushi. Tuna is just kinda great. But when you drop a big tuna into the ocean with a bunch of chum it’s gonna get destroyed by sharks. Just torn to shreds. They’ll use it’s flesh for a soccer ball and play shark games. Seahorses will be the referees because they’re kind of uppity and sticklers for the rules.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
   .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
Lauren B has a face where you can look at it and kind of tell what she’s gonna look like as an old lady. It seems like she’s got this thing in the bag. But don’t be so sure. Ben Higgins is a fine young man, but ABC is a giant, powerful network with deep pockets. I see them going hard for Lauren B to become the next bachelorette. Will she go with her heart or will she go for fame and mild fortune?
   .
   .
   . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
Friendzone. She’ll be fine, live in a house with crown molding. She’ll marry a dude in finance or a local newscaster type. They’ll try to become youtube stars by filming their every day lives.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
Leah just kind of stands around. Apparently that’s enough at this point. But can she go forward? A few guys who read the blog have told me that they think she’s the hottest. So I guess there’s that. Guys that read a bachelor blog think she’s hot. We’ll see what happens.
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
I could write a hardbound book about Olivia. The arrogance. The lead up to the talent show. The “I’m zen for Ben” thing that came before she fakes a panic attack. This girl is a train wreck of being 23. She hasn’t gotten her butt kicked by the world yet. She doesn’t know. But she’s finding out. The slow crawl out of that cake was too much for me. I had to hide under my throw blanket. When I came back out she was jiggling her upstairs bits to a crowd of silent old people. It was like watching two Hindenburgs going down in flames.
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 10.53.41 AM.png Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 10.53.41 AM.png
They panned back to get an audience reaction and it was full tumbleweed.
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 10.55.25 AM.png
You could hear a single man cough. Meanwhile, Olivia won’t stop. She’s kicking with all the ferocity of a 1st grade soccer player.
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 10.59.58 AM.png
And somehow the band won’t just stop playing so she goes down into the crowd to say hello while still somehow dancing only the crowd is trying to escape. I’ll bet every butt in every one of those seats was moving to the back of their chairs. Then, after the performance she awkwardly interrupts at least two girls while they are talking to Ben. He is visibly tired of Olivia’s schtick. But she gets a rose and we get one more week with her. I can’t wait till the Women Tell All. She needs her own chair. We need to know if she’s learned anything. MOVING ON….
   .
   .
   .
Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 11.05.07 AM.png
Rachel was my ultimate dark horse. I saw her in the final 6. But i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She was the only one not to kiss Ben. I hope she’ll be ok. If any of you lives in Arkansas could you please check in on Rachel from time to time? Maybe give her a job? Sad stuff. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
   .
   .
  .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
   .
  .
  .
Next week we get Olivia vs The World. Choose your side now. People gonna burn.
   .
In foreverlove,
G

Week 3 – Cankles

I remember where I was when the Berlin Wall came down, when Greg Louganis smacked his head on the diving board, and when Zack Morris took Kelly Kapowski to their own prom after her dad lost his job and she couldn’t afford a dress. All powerful TV moments but none as captivating as what happened last night when Ben asked for a little empathy and compassion only to be Olivia’d.

We got our first helicopter of the season.

We saw what happens when two strangers try to kiss through bi-plane headphones.

The limitations of hot tubbing were shattered.

Oh, and either all of the women are now on the same cycle and going through rough times during the same 4 to 5 day stretch, or the hunger games of foreverlove are starting to claim victims. Emotional carnage.

Grab a tissue and a glass of your pinotiest grigio (unless you’re reading this on the toilet), and lets see how the ladies did.
   .
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
    .
    .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
Amanda has the understated grace of Bill Paxton in the eye of a Twister. She’s hanging back while the drama swirls around her. You can do that when you’re SouthernCaliforniaCute™. She can kick back and coast while Ben trims the fat.
    .
    .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
Amber might be the saddest thing going this season. And that is saying a ton! She’s really aware of the process. It’s like she’s trying to make great tv moments only she’s going it alone. She’s like Bud Kilmer in Varsity Blues calling out his team to follow him only to look back and see that nobody’s there. “I’m walkin’ out that door. I want’cha ta trust me.”
    .
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.07.04 AM.png
    .
   .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca’s in full coast mode. It’s strange that she isn’t a story line yet. None of the girls seem intimidated by her. Is it because Olivia’s toes are stealing the show? I can tell you one thing, they are stealing this Becca write up.
    .
    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
Is she strong enough for this game? We know she’s sweet enough. She’s like what happens when an 11 year old is trusted to get his own food from a Sizzler buffet. Sure it’s tasty but is it really healthy in the long run? Hashtag no it is not.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
I swear every time one of these twins shows up it’s like somebody is asparagus peeing next to me in the office bathroom.
    .
    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
I swear every time one of these twins shows up it’s like when you watch an old person eat a lox omelette and there’s just eggs and salmon everywhere. You can see it on their tongues because their mouthes are too tired to fully close and it makes it really hard to have a fun visit with your dude friends who you don’t see enough anymore because everybody’s having kids and moving away. And do guys really have fun visits? I don’t know because of the eggs and the salmon. 😦
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Back to Canada, Jami. Back with the lessons you learned after one week co-dating a guy with 16 other women: that you shouldn’t even try anymore at anything. You’re like Steve Martin’s kid in Parenthood only you have to go back to the frozen north in the middle of winter. Simmer down. It’ll all be ok. Don’t give up. 
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.24.42 AM.png
    .
    .
    . 
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Not a lot from Jennifer this week. She’s riding a plunging neckline and silence to some easy early season roses. Can’t fault her for that.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo is the house counselor who weirdly ditched the sad girl to go get more lip gloss. That was a cold-hearted middle school move right there leaving Jubilee to stand alone at the kitchen island. But then she went up to check on Jubes only to be denied. Maybe the first Jo is nice and the second Jo is mean. She’s so complicated. This show is so complex.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
There is A LOT going on with Jubilee. Gosh dang, what a hard life. I can’t imagine how it must be to live in a mansion with a bunch of rich privileged girls. It would be easy to have some fun JK’s about Jubes but i just can’t do it. I want another helicopter to come and take her away from all this. Introduce her to a nice man in a small town where she can maybe be herself. A place without caviar. Love ya Jubes.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
I mean, what are we supposed to do with Lace? She just displayed the most self awareness we’ve seen this season. Did she refer to a self-help tattoo on her body? Sure. Did she not know that a soccer goalie is able to use her hands? Yes. But she’s lame and she knows it and that’s actually pretty cool. She’s like when I think, “Yeah, I know I haven’t danced in any real capacity for like the past 6 years but I should just get out there and do it.” Only I get out on the dance floor and realize I don’t really have any moves and I revert to a weird combination of how all parents dance and how I used to get down in the late 90’s. There definitely is something wrong with a little bump and grind. This looked fun for Lace but she got into it and it got the best of her. Good luck, Lace.  
    .
    .
    . 
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
    .
    .
    .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
Lauren B knows how to date. She’s polished and personable. If she isn’t in the final 2 then she’ll be groomed to be the next bachelorette. It might already be happening. She’s already learned so much, like Luke in Empire Strikes Back. Only instead of targeting a thermal exhaust port, calling a light saber, and doing park-core through Dagobah, Lauren B has flown in an aircraft, she’s danced on the private concert persian rug, she’s been in a hot tub near a tree, she’s not eaten any of the dinner provided to her, and the list just goes on and on. She’s ready.
Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.44.51 AM.png
    .
    .
    . 
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
Lauren H wants to be a wealthy soccer mom. She has the accent for it.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
Leah doesn’t know anything about soccer but i’m pretty sure she told us that there would be blood on the field. This girl is in it to win it! She won’t.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
O.M.Livia. This gal is a showstopper! Like an onion she is so layered. Also like an onion, she does not smell good and brings people to tears. She has terrible breath which is so scary because she also loves to be close to Ben. Terrible breath is tough to deal with. It’s why I’m packing mints everywhere I go. In fact, I’m going to refresh right now. Ok I’m back. So Olivia has fat toes and cankles. She also has all the self awareness of Michael Gary Scott! Ben walks in last night in near tears, begging for compassion and Olivia interrupts him to take him away. Will she comfort him? Noliva she won’t! She launches right into a speech about how hard it is to have bad legs. She even starts crying and says, “sorry…it’s just hard to be strong all the time.” It could not have been better. I just wanted more of that moment. It was like being left alone with a bowl full of cinnamon roll. This blog isn’t big enough for how amazing Olivia is. THERE IS A BLOG ABOUT HER CANKLES. Somebody took the time to register for a blog about her legs. That is ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. I have to move on before I swallow my mint.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Rachel wanted it this week and she got it. Seems cute and fun. Rachel could be a dark horse moving forward. Look for her to survive while the crazies and lames get picked off two at a time.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
    .
    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
She never had a chance, but seeing her leave last night was strange. It dawned on me that we had a 27 year old Russian mathematician with the lady stones to rock a romper to a rose ceremony. That’s interesting. She could be a spy. Does she beat computers at chess? Are we sure she isn’t surveilling people at night? Does she rappel down the canyon with grappling hooks and night vision goggles while the other women are crying by the pool? We will never know. And that makes me sad. 
    .
   .
   .
We’ll have to rebound next week when it looks like Oheeeellllllnoooovia goes off! Can’t wait for Mondays.
    .
In foreverlove,
G

Week 2 -Glory Days

Last night I spent at least 20 minutes of the 2 hour broadcast with my head under a blanket. Every time one of the twins was on camera, or they showed fake-scientists fake going over fake figures on fake laptops it was like the Nazis were opening the Ark of the Covenant. “DON’T LOOK AT IT MARION!!! KEEP YOUR EYES SHUT!!!
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 10.52.34 AM.png
    .
    .
We were also treated to the most romantic prize any woman can win–a two lap trip in a convertible around a high school track, wearing a leather jacket immediately after running a 100 meter hurdle race.
    .
But that’s glory days with our All-American man, Ben Higgins.
    .
Private concerts. Kevin Hart. Helipad kisses. Hellapainful flirting from Lace. It was all there.
    .
Sit back, grab a snack (unless you’re reading this on the toilet) and lets see how the ladies did.
    .
And remember the Key. Red text means they were voted off long ago. The most recent cast offs get blue text because they’re sad. 
    .
   .
    .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.41 AM.png
America’s favorite single mother somehow fits with Ben’s vacant good looks. I would see these two at an upscale grocery store and believe in what they have. Ben made berets for Amanda’s daughters and it was the nicest thing anybody’s ever done for her. Orange County is mean.
    .
    .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.49 AM.png
We don’t have a microwave in the new house yet. That means I’m eating bigger portions because it’s work to reheat stuff on the stove. And speaking of leftovers…Amber got the rose meant for LB. That wasn’t my best effort but it’s still early in the season.
    .
    .
   .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.02.57 AM.png
Becca is real. She has the kind of looks that intimidate other women. It’s a valuable weapon in the hunt for foreverlove. Less important but more impressive is a sick jump shot. Becca could coach the hell out of some middle school girl’s bball. She and Ben would make some fundamentally sound children. Think young John Stocktons.
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.18.00 AM.png
    .
    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Caila.png
This girl is bubbly! How do we know? Because her favorite color is yellow. That’s the kind of depth you can reach while in a Ride Along 2 in theaters everywhere with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. She hot tubbed. She danced on a Persian rug to some dude nobody’s ever heard of. She frenched. All with a smile on her face.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Emily.png
Where does it begin for Emily? Like, it’s hard to imagine there being super ditzy blondes during the great depression. Out there toiling in the dust storms with died hair and bad jewelry. But Emily had to come from somewhere. Biology says so. I’d like to go back in time and introduce a prophylactic to her grandparents. I feel like  condoms were super weird back in the day. Like they had springs and coils and steel so I’d go to a Walgreens and bring one from our time. That’s just being a considerate time traveler.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Haley.png
Her picture says “Haley” but i’m not convinced this isn’t just Emily looking in the opposite direction. Remember all that stuff about dust and condoms? Same thing applies here. NEXT.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jackie.png
Jackie was one of the nameless brunettes with wide-set pretty eyes to be sent home. What did she do to leave? We have no idea because too much time was spent showing Olivia’s mouth open and close. More on that later. 
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jami.png
Jami gets through because why not.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jennifer.png
Morals and sexual attraction. Jennifer is an enigma of revealing blouses and vague christian phrases. I think we’ll get a decent amount of time to figure her out. Unless they go somewhere cold and she’s forced into a turtleneck situation. Keep an eye on Jennifer. But do your best to keep that eye above the neckline.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap JoJo.png
JoJo’s ok. She wondered why she wasn’t getting any time with Ben only to end up higher than she’s ever been in her life and making out on a helipad. I have an intense fear of heights and would’ve peed up there. So once again, I’m glad it wasn’t me on the Bachelor kissing a guy.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Jubilee.png
Ben was all about lockin’ lips but I felt like Ol’ Jubes was a little hesitant. She might be strong enough to survive 6 years in an orphanage and time serving in war but I don’t think she’s got the stones to make it in this game. Scenes from next week look grim. Stay tuned.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Lace.png
Lace uses a “u” for all her vowels. So like she’ll say, “Thuz butchus butter wutch ut”. It’s not very becoming. Neither is referring to herself in the 3rd person or telling Ben over and over about how she isn’t crazy. She interrupts Ben at super awkward times. Watching them talk is like when golfers get pumped up and try to high five their caddy’s.
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.48.45 AM.png
So there’s all that and yet I walked away from last night kind of feeling sorry for Lace. She’s  this seasons’ Tony (the healer). There’s no way she should’ve been allowed on this show. Too insecure. Too damaged. It’s either that or she’s horrible. Or she’s an alien who learned how to be human by listening to radio waves in space and watching Real Housewives only by Bravo.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap LB.png
LB had spunk out of the limo. But one week in the mansion made her miss the simple life one can only imagine exists in Oklahoma. Do you, LB. 
    .
    .
    .
Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 11.04.49 AM.png
Ok first, there’s an LB and a Lauren B? This season is breaking the mold. Back to Lauren B. Ben is into her. She didn’t get a date this week but I’m putting her into my final 4. I could see her being the next bachelorette. It’s still super early to tell. For now she’ll have to do with the picture Ben somehow had made for her in the zero free time he had.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Lauren H.png
Heavy midwestern accent. Large mouth. Those qualifications will get you lost in the shuffle until the crazies and ethnics get voted off.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Leah.png
Where does Lauren H end and Leah begin?
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Mandi.png
Apparently Ben doesn’t think mental and physical challenges are enough to determine a wife. Mandi won the tiara. She lost everything else. 
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Olivia.png
Olivia looks like the T-Rex from the original Jurassic Park when it’s trying to eat the two annoying kids in their Ford Explorer. “TURN THE LIGHT OFF. TURN THE LIGHT OOOOOOFFFFF!!!!!! The scariest part about all this is that I think Olivia practices her crazy facial expressions in the mirror and thinks she’s cute. She’s the type of person that has no friends and doesn’t even notice. Somehow she’ll land a gig on Fox News after all this. Picture that face in reaction to Hillary Clinton suggesting there should be background checks for bazookas. Short story long, Olivia is the worst.
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Rachel.png
Rachel is this season’s “are we sure she started out on the show and didn’t just hike up the canyon behind the mansion in a cocktail dress and wander into week 2’s rose ceremony?” girl. In any case, she got a rose. We’ll see you next week?
    .
    .
    .
Bachelor Recap Samantha.png
It’s tough to win The Bachelor when you smell like what’s left of an old man’s Reuben. At least that’s what science thinks. A 2.4 out of 10 on the love score? Really? I was sitting at home on the couch drinking my smooth move tea, wearing my sleep shorts…the ones with the paint stains on the butt, and I scored a 5 on the love score. I wish you all the best in the world, Samantha. Shower up and start fresh back home in Florida. Rest easy that no men watch this show so they won’t know you stink. 
    .
    .
   .
Bachelor Recap Shushanna.png
We thought Shushanna was Russian. She left no doubt saying something about eating cabbage a few weeks ago. And that’s Shushanna.
    .
   .
   .
I hope you all find love today and have a great rest of the week. Things look to get even realer next Monday night.