We could recap last night, or we could just read the letter that Nick left Andi after she dumped him.

Yes, that does tell the entire story but let’s recap this thing anyway.

WOW. After a humdrum season of scarves, hot pants, guys cramming into a Jacuzzi tub, a dude chasing another dude with a pickle, a hang gliding death, the shiniest bomber jacket, MoTown Philly back again, a lie detector test, and Craig, it was Josh who came out ahead. And really, in a battle of tools, is it not appropriate that the tooliest of them all was the tool left tooling?

 

Josh M. 

I’ve been trying to figure out Josh’s walk all season and last night I put it together. Do this for me. Stand up, arch your shoulders back as far as they’ll go, and then start walking but only move your legs and your arms below the elbows. Everything else is stiff. It also helps if you’ve unbuttoned your shirt to your belly button.

Josh must’ve packed on some lb’s because his final suit was snuuuuuuuuug. Snug as a douche in a rug, snug. Was anybody surprised when he brought up baseball in his proposal? It’s all he has. It’s who he is. A former “pro” baseball player. I think Josh’s giant white teeth extend past his gums and go all the way under his skull and take up the space where a normal human’s brain is. He’s all giant white teeth and manicured eyebrows. But that is Andi’s type. And the two of them seemed happy. If you were listening closely (and why wouldn’t you be) Andi even called him “Babe” on their final one-on-one. I think the editors missed that one. But now they can make love in public. Or, make love and be public about it. Or something about the public and something about them doin’ it and then later, being in public. Congrats Josh. You won. But you’re not who we’re here to talk about.

Nick V. 

Oh my. Nick shows up nervous to meet the parents. And who saw that coming? This guy is a wreck! He’s a mixture of nerves, cowlicks, and douchebaggary. Tip of thecap though for bringing a bottle of scotch for Hy. Hy’s lost some weight but you can tell by looking at him that he likey the scotchy. But back to Nick. He gets Hy’s blessing. Later, he picks Andi up in a Jeep and if you have an intuition for this kind of thing, you could see that Andi wasn’t all that into it. She was reserved. She may have even been a little bored. Later that night he gave her a cheese ball necklace with a jar of sand hanging from it. What do women do with jewelry from old flames? Does Pottery Barn make a special drawer for them? And oh, the horror as Nick reads Andi’s awkwardness as signs that she loves him. Another hats off to the producers for pulling the Neil Lane thing the next morning. First with Josh, making us think he was going home. And then with Nick. “Hey, you don’t look like Neil Lane. This isn’t going to be good.” Andi tries her best to be sad and Nick is kind of mean in return. He seems like the kind of guy that has no idea how he comes off. That would explain the triple-knotted infinity scarves. Even watching the episodes back again, I doubt he thinks he looks terrible after stalking Andi, writing letters, showing up at the Men Tell All, and moping around Milwaukee. This guy might have some issues. My guess is that they come from his mom’s way-way-too-old-to-have-a giant gold nose ring. What’s the deal with that thing? Did she see herself on TV during the hometowns and decide, even with a ton of mid-90’s soft core jewelry that she wasn’t accessorized enough? More. More!!!! The 10 kids thing is starting to make sense. Nice lady though. But we’re still not to the good part. All of that moping and stalking has lead Nick to one spot. The finale love seat. He’s thought about this moment for months and now, because it’s what he does, Nick begins to awkwardly ramble. Just when we think it’s going nowhere, BOOM!!!!!!!  “If you didn’t love me……………………why did you make love to me?  OHHHHHH! I don’t know about you but the Hanson household exploded when those words came out of Nick’s mouth. I mean, he already looked terrible but that just killed it. How many months do we have to wait before Lifetime comes out with the Nick Viall biopic, “Fantasy Forgotten”? Again, he managed to be 100% d1ckish and 100% balls-less at the same time. He is amazing! He’s just what this show needed while it stumbled and bumbled through 10 weeks of mediocrity. And with that, Nick goes back to whatever life he had before. This time, without the dignity. 

Markus

Markus. This season’s most polarizing bachelor. Some of you love him. Some of you hate him. He took Andi to a few Dallas strip malls and then sat her down in an actual strip club! That led to the longest butt shot of the season. I had my hand over my face for what seemed like an eternity and when I removed it, the camera was still stuck on Markus’s tighty whities. His family seemed ok. He had a niece that gets second place in the cute kid category. Nobody’s touching Nick’s sister. Markus wore pastel shorts. He fell too fast. And both may have cost him. He also got super emotional and kissed his overly-tan brother. Where is Markus’s mom from? Hungary? Denmark? Kazakstan? Was she forced out of Crimea? It’s a mystery. And for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Unless, Markus did enough last night to cement himself as the next bachelor. You came, you made us form an opinion, your wore a terrible scarf, and you left alone. Thanks for the memories, dear Markus. Till next time?

Dylan

Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris. He wore the shirt from this picture on his final day with Andi. Fitting. It was obvious from the moment Chris pulled up in his jeep that he was going home. Not enough touching between them. He kind of got the shaft because it’s tough to touch on a horse. Maybe if he’d worn Niki’s horseback riding outfit from J-Blow’s season (google it), he would’ve pulled out a win. But he didn’t. And he went home for it. What’s Andi thinking when Chris tells her to count to 60 and runs to hide in some bushes? At this point she knows she won’t pick him. She’s gotta want to just stop it then. Does any part of her want to just book it into the field and leave Chris to wonder where she went? And while the “break up” was sad to watch, you had to feel for Iowa! Andi repeatedly said, “It would be to easy to blame Iowa”. What did Iowa ever do to you, Andi? Iowa gives us Corn Pops cereal. It gave us Field of Dreams,…and I’m sure a lot of other great stuff. Chris has to be the next Bachelor, right? Josh is too dumb. And if he somehow pulls out a victory, the country kind of hates Nick. I’d love to see what 20 women who want to live on a farm look like when they get super catty. Sad stuff, Chris. But at least you have a house, not an apartment or condo, to go home to. And that’s really impressive. 

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

Usually we recap this episode in great detail, going through each of the guys to see how they did to recover their reputations after losing on a dating show. But last night was kind of a stinker.

1. We didn’t get any Craig.
2. Most of the douchebags didn’t say a word.

So instead of going through each guy, we’ll talk about them all right here, up top.

But first, we need to acknowledge a few things.

1. The first 20 minutes of this show is always fast forwardable. Last night was no exception.
2. The entire night was pretty much a long commercial for Bachelor in Paradise.
3. Discovering the sex of your baby on TV? Who thought this was a good idea? It’s exploitive, even for the bachelor but what’s worse is that it’s exploiting two people we don’t care about. We stopped caring about Ashely and JP the second Bentley left the show. Which was amazing.
4. The late Eric continues to be proved right with Andi’s TV actress thing. She was hamming it up. She seemed so put on. Be real with us Andi. Be real with yourself. It’s all we ask. That, and tears. Man tears.
5. The only thing the Men Tell All got right was to call themselves out on the scarf thing.

Ok, let’s look at the men who did something.

J.J. 

J.J.’s got that thing where you can’t tell if he’s worked out a ton recently, or just eaten really poorly. Is he buff or just fat? Either way, he was really red. Was he nervous or sunburned? Even his eyes were red. Did he fall asleep on a beach with his eyes open? J.J is like an episode of L.O.S.T. Every time we see him there are just more questions. What’s in the hatch????!!!!! And what’s J.J talking about with defending his honor? The guy did not come off well. He looked worse than the possible racist. And that’s bad because racism is bad. If the bachelorette teaches us nothing else, it’s that racism is bad.

Marquell

People love Marquell. And he was in the perfect condition to come out looking even sweeter. He may’ve been disrespected on the show and he handled it like an adult. For that, he is a hero. But he committed a cardinal sin of reality show fame. He tried to capitalize on a gimmick we didn’t really care about. The cookies. He probably tells people in Los Angeles that he’s, “The Cookie Guy” from the bachelorette. And people from Los Angeles probably nod and lie about having any clue what Marquell is talking about. Act like you’ve been there before, Marquell. You don’t need to stoop to gimmicks. Just wear colorful clothes and smile. That’s enough. You’re welcome.

Andrew

Is he a racist? I don’t know. Probably a little. Did he say what J.J says he said? I don’t know. Probably a little. Was it kind of funny when he called Marquell, “Ron”? Yeah, it was. And am I a racist for knowing why that was cringeworthy-style funny? I don’t know. This is confusing. Andrew’s personal life is taking a hit. He didn’t lose his job but he might. Is his boss kind of on the fence about this whole thing? It’s been months since we found out what Andrew may or may not have whispered on national TV. Andrew’s boss, make up your mind. Quit stringing Andrew along like this. He doesn’t deserve it. Unless, he does? So confusing.

Nick S. 

The classic back row guy that talks too much. Nick S., you didn’t matter on the show and you certainly don’t matter now. Wash the LA Looks gel out of your hair. Do up the appropriate number of buttons on your shirt and shut up.

Cody

Cody didn’t say much. His terrible shirt was loud enough for both of them.

Markus

It’s crazy to me that Markus has slept with over 20 women. That means he’s been married over 20 times? Is that some kind of record?

Chris

The show is reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaly trying to hype Chris as the next bachelor because they need somebody to do it. But the guy has no personality. We don’t need another Andi. But we need some kind of charisma. Get this guy into media training. Put him into an acting class just to loosen him up. Maybe an overnight retreat somewhere with trust falls and nature walks. I don’t know. It’s that, or we’ll get the most wooden bachelor in history. You might as well just set a tray of roses next to an ear of corn.

And finally, Chris Bukowski

The former douchebag who just won’t leave us alone! He tried to crash the first night and was stonewalled by security. He made an a$$ of himself on Bachelor Pad. He’s back doing the same on Bachelor in Paradise. And last night, when Chris Harrison called him out, Bukowski thought he could walk down on stage only to have Harrison stonewall him again! There’s a point where it’s just sad. And we reached that point with Chris B about 2 years ago. Somebody needs to leave a puppy on Chris B.’s porch, ring his doorbell and run. The guy needs something, anything to keep him at home. Fill up his time so he can’t show up on TV anymore.

Next week it’s the finale. Andi’s dad. Scarves in warm weather. Who, if anybody will really win? We’ll find out.

 

 

There were tears. A heart was crushed. A man’s life, torn apart. And yet I think it was Iowa that took the brunt of last night’s episode. More on that later.

If any place on earth can make two people fall in love, the Domini can. Helicopters, private islands, ramshackle baseball fields, and horsies. But first, let’s get some journaling, a bunch of costume changes, and some staring out into space from our Andi. If Eric was was wrong about one thing (hang gliding) he was right about another. Andi is a TV actress.

Does she really love any of the douches? And how will we know? Let’s take a closer look. And while we do, just note that in my list of favorites, the pre-season #s 1 and 2 are the last remaining. I’m just sayin…

Nick V. 

Nick gets his first helicopter ride so I guess if he gets his heart broken it’s kind of worth it. The two lovers(?) are dropped onto a private island with absolutely nothing to do. Did the producers not think to bring an Aerobe or a bacci ball set? Without the world’s best frisbee, Nick and Andi are left with two options. Talk about their relationship more or get into some adult level make out in the ocean. How awkward are the erections on this show? If you’re on the crew and in charge of holding a boom mic over Nick while he’s fully boner’d out, I mean, what do you say? Nothing I guess, since you’re the sound guy. But It’s awkward to talk about with the camera man while you break for lunch. “So,…you uh, you saw that, right?” “I don’t want to talk about what I did or did not see. Just shut up and eat your papaya.” Nick and Andi then hit the beach for some nighttime cuddling and story time. Yes, Nick did what “all 33 year old midwestern single guys do when they’re on the journey to love”, they make a story book with crayons and carefully ripped paper. That lead to some solid I-love-yous, with reasons to back them up. After that it was on to the fantasy suite for some more make out. Andi has never felt like this before. I don’t see how Nick doesn’t win this thing. From first impression rose to the end. What a run! And yet….

Josh M. 

…Josh isn’t going away quietly. He is however, choosing not to use many of the buttons on his extra-medium sized shirt. Josh talks like an idiot and he walks like a bodybuilder. He’s got this oafy vibe, but then you see him standing next to Chris Harrison and they’re just about the same height. Is Josh M secretly short? I need to see him standing next to a Michael Jordan growth chart with the ruler running up the side of it. I need some context. Josh gets the token, “let’s explore poor people selling stuff in markets then stumble on some public dancing and give it our best shot.” Is this every girl’s fantasy? Is that why they do it every season? Shabby market and public dancing. That’s it? That’s the thing? Before going to play with children, Josh drinks an aphrodisiac. So…dominican parents, be sure to sign this waiver before allowing your sons to get anywhere close to the American with the half-buttoned shirt. Thanks. Josh is actually pretty good with the kids and as far as I could tell, none of them were inappropriately touched. Andi’s got a pretty decent swing. She must’ve played softball in high school. Someone needs to check on that. From there it’s back to the beach for a nighttime meal neither of them touched. I noticed Josh had steak on his plate and Andi had chicken on hers. If you know you aren’t going to eat, why order different entrees? No person has ever eaten a dinner on this show. They might as well just build rubber props for easy storage. Save some money and take more helicopter trips. Dinner goes well and Andi is waaaaaaaay into Josh. They head back to the fantasy suite and I really think there’s a decent shot Josh rounded all four bases (ex-pro ball player). I don’t think he’ll win, but I also think Andi don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. She is, after all, a bachelorette. Let Josh’s body be her bachelorette party. I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone around to strip in front of her…oh, sorry, Markus. Didn’t see you down there.

Markus

Markus. This season’s most polarizing bachelor. Some of you love him. Some of you hate him. He took Andi to a few Dallas strip malls and then sat her down in an actual strip club! That led to the longest butt shot of the season. I had my hand over my face for what seemed like an eternity and when I removed it, the camera was still stuck on Markus’s tighty whities. His family seemed ok. He had a niece that gets second place in the cute kid category. Nobody’s touching Nick’s sister. Markus wore pastel shorts. He fell too fast. And both may have cost him. He also got super emotional and kissed his overly-tan brother. Where is Markus’s mom from? Hungary? Denmark? Kazakstan? Was she forced out of Crimea? It’s a mystery. And for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Unless, Markus did enough last night to cement himself as the next bachelor. You came, you made us form an opinion, your wore a terrible scarf, and you left alone. Thanks for the memories, dear Markus. Till next time?

Dylan

Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris. He wore the shirt from this picture on his final day with Andi. Fitting. It was obvious from the moment Chris pulled up in his jeep that he was going home. Not enough touching between them. He kind of got the shaft because it’s tough to touch on a horse. Maybe if he’d worn Niki’s horseback riding outfit from J-Blow’s season (google it), he would’ve pulled out a win. But he didn’t. And he went home for it. What’s Andi thinking when Chris tells her to count to 60 and runs to hide in some bushes? At this point she knows she won’t pick him. She’s gotta want to just stop it then. Does any part of her want to just book it into the field and leave Chris to wonder where she went? And while the “break up” was sad to watch, you had to feel for Iowa! Andi repeatedly said, “It would be to easy to blame Iowa”. What did Iowa ever do to you, Andi? Iowa gives us Corn Pops cereal. It gave us Field of Dreams,…and I’m sure a lot of other great stuff. Chris has to be the next Bachelor, right? Josh is too dumb. And if he somehow pulls out a victory, the country kind of hates Nick. I’d love to see what 20 women who want to live on a farm look like when they get super catty. Sad stuff, Chris. But at least you have a house, not an apartment or condo, to go home to. And that’s really impressive. 

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

 

Is it just me or is this season losing steam faster than an old ladies tea kettle? It’s like the shot in every western where a train engine whistles. This season is like what happens when you buy a footlong subway sandwich but can only eat 6 inches of it, so you put the rest in the refrigerator. Only the next morning when you take out the bag and look inside, it’s just mushy bread and soggy tomatoes.

But why? Does a show only have so many runs at the same concept? Is it the guys? Are they boring? Soft? Is it Andi? Is she too TV actressy? The answer to all of these questions is yes. And still, I don’t blame any of them. There is something more damaging than Markus’s chest hair, Josh’s idiot face, Nick’s coat collection, and Chris’s weed eyes. It’s something I hope will not spread across this great land. It is, the male scarf.

Seriously. When have you seen a guy walk into the office with a delicate scarf and thought, “I really respect what that guy is doing right now. I want to know him more.”  You never think that. What you think is 1) Gosh I hope he doesn’t come over here. 2) I’ll bet he tried it on before he went to bed last night. 3) If he does come over here the only thing either of us will be thinking about is his stupid scarf. Conversation will be impossible. I’ll have to focus extra hard on what he’s saying so I don’t look stupid and I haven’t had enough coffee yet to do that.

Male scarves make everybody stupid.

Now that we’re clear, let’s move on. The teasers for hometowns looked great and yet, nothing really happened. Families were charming. Kids were cute. Career opportunities existed. They just can’t find any controversy on this show apart from the guy who died hang gliding, which isn’t even the fun kind of controversy.

Ultimately, it was Markus’s turn to go. In honor, I went to H&M, spent 7 dollars on a paper thin piece of cloth, went down to the waterfront, put it on a tiny wooden raft I made, pushed the raft out, and shot a flaming arrow at it. RIP.

Let’s douche.

Nick V. 

Nick. So put together. It’s tough to tell on camera but he seems really petite. I’ll bet he buys a lot of mediums. We got some shots of Milwaukee. Is it just me or does Milwaukee look like Tacoma only with an amazingly cool art museum? They try on cheese heads. They go to a brewery. Was I the only one that wanted there to be a glove on one of the bottles going by? Pound sign we’regonnamakeourdreamscometrue

Nick’s family is huge. There’s gotta be some kind of Mormon or Catholic thing going on. Judging my Nick’s tired face I’d say they’re fill-in-the-blank orthodox. His mom is a sweet lady but I feel like she was dressed like a cougar from some low budget 90’s movie you find on Cinemax at like 11:00pm and you’re kind of scared it’s porn so you turn it before the neighbors see anything embarrassing on your TV. Nick’s youngest sister needs some dental work but she made up for it with some top notch cuteness. So precocious. She’s actually the best thing that’s happened this entire season. I’d watch a spinoff with her. Bachelorette Kids… No, that’s not it. We’ll think of something. Nick’s gotta be the front runner. Despite not being the best guy of the three, Nick isn’t an idiot and he doesn’t live on a farm.

Josh M. 

Josh continued to annoy the S out of me. He took Andi out to play baseball and let her know that nobody comes out on ‘his field’ but people he really cares about. He must love the guys on his high school’s JV team. I mean, who says that? This guy is ridiculous. He’s also really protective of his brother and sister despite them both being adults. Does Josh have a job? Does he have any useful skills? Or will he keep looking for his parents to pay his way on trips to NFL games his brother won’t sniff the field in? If Josh wins this thing it’ll be a total, ‘they-deserve-eachother’ situation. And he can’t be the next bachelor, can he? The guy cries at the sight of his dog! He’s like an 11 year old kid in the body of a grown douchebag. He played 5 years in the minor leagues and didn’t make the majors, and he thinks he could just walk onto a field and be in the hall of fame? There has to be some kind of government program that can help find Josh a job. He needs to move on and never be on TV again. You suck, Josh.

Markus

Markus. This season’s most polarizing bachelor. Some of you love him. Some of you hate him. He took Andi to a few Dallas strip malls and then sat her down in an actual strip club! That led to the longest butt shot of the season. I had my hand over my face for what seemed like an eternity and when I removed it, the camera was still stuck on Markus’s tighty whities. His family seemed ok. He had a niece that gets second place in the cute kid category. Nobody’s touching Nick’s sister. Markus wore pastel shorts. He fell too fast. And both may have cost him. He also got super emotional and kissed his overly-tan brother. Where is Markus’s mom from? Hungary? Denmark? Kazakstan? Was she forced out of Crimea? It’s a mystery. And for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Unless, Markus did enough last night to cement himself as the next bachelor. You came, you made us form an opinion, your wore a terrible scarf, and you left alone. Thanks for the memories, dear Markus. Till next time?

Dylan

Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Ok, so maybe the farm isn’t so bad. In fact, seeing Chris next to a farm was enough to get Andi going. And, if it wasn’t, Chris owns a home. Not a condo, not an apartment, a house. A clean house. This is a big deal to Andi, even though he probably paid 12K for it. But that’s the economy. Supply and demand and all that. Chris then hoped in a tractor and told Andi just how important this place is to him. She responded by saying she could imagine it was Tuscany. She’s basically saying she could live there if she just pretended it was somewhere else. And drank a lot of wine. Chris then pulls the, ‘sky-writing-I-love-you’ thing and it works like a charm. Farm frenching all over that corn. And then there’s Chris’s family. Pretty cool people. Lot of laughs. An older sister that looks like a prettier, older version of Julia Styles. A super-supportive mom. A dad that sicks to himself a little bit. They even played a fun game at the end of the night. Chris has to be the best guy of the last three. Will that be enough to get the job done? Is America ready for a farmer bachelor? I think so. I’m calling it right now. Chris will be the next bachelor. And even if I’m wrong, point me to a single girl in the midwest that wouldn’t jump all over this guy. Chris might be the biggest winner of the season when all is said and done.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

 

Six neon douchebags entered Belgium. Only four have emerged. That’s two less man scarves we’ll get to see next week. Two less deep v’s. And at least one less pair of hot pink pants. The dates were pretty unremarkable, save for a Patrick-Swayze-in Ghost moment on a pottery wheel and another concert where Andi and Josh were made to dance on an elevated box while confused Belgians looked on in horror.

It’s also worth noting that the gayest season in Bachelorette history jumped it’s own gay shark when Dylan (in pink pants and a ponytail) chased Bryan around the hotel suite with a pickle. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re looking for a homophobic bachelorette recap email to blow your inbox storage limit every Tuesday morning, this aint it. I’m just happy to see such progress, acceptance, and love in a world that could use a little more. I mean, look at Uganda. Look at Putin’s Russia. It’s bleak out there. Let us thank our lucky stars that we have Craig, Tasos, Patrick&Andrew, Dylan’s pants&ponytail, Markus’s manscaped chest hair line, Nick V’s toddler trench coat, Bradley’s bomber jacket and rougey cheeks, Cody’s spray tan, and Chris Harrison’s questionable divorce…

While the world around us crumbles in hatred and intolerance, The Bachelorette is a shining beacon of light, love, and freedom. USA! USA! USA!

Ok, let’s see how our gentleman did last night.

Nick V. 

I never saw the side of Nick that the other guys hated, until last night. He’s like a little, smarmy b!tch. How many people in Nick’s life have wanted to just punch his stupid looking face? He’s got a King Goffrey kind of thing going on only with cowlicks on each side of his head. Take a look at his temples. It’s like the exact opposite of Princess Lea. And he’s always so bundled up. You can’t trust a man who’s always cold. That’s what my grandpa would say if he were still alive and if he watched this show. Somehow I’m not sure if The Bachelorette draws big numbers from the surviving WWII vets. Is Nick V’s b!tch a$$ the favorite? He’s gotta be. Josh is dim, Chris lives in a field, and Markus is a delicate flower. But who’s rooting for Nick V? Satan, that’s who. Beezelbub.

Josh M. 

Josh is like Forest Gump in baggy sweatpants, without any of the charm or pingpong skills. Josh M is like a box of chocolates. I don’t know how to finish that line. Speaking of chocolates, we learned last night that Belgian chocolates are the way to Josh M’s heart. Not steak. Not getting to third base. No. Josh M loves chocolates. This guys suuuuuuuuuuucks. And his hometown looks like it’s going to be hilarious. Like, there’s a solid chance Josh still lives at home and I’ll bet half of it is because he has no employable skills, and half is because he’d miss his mom if he didn’t see her every day. Does Josh know how to work a washing machine? Can he be trusted around a hot stove? This guy is the worst.

Markus

Markus talks to his mother 3 times a week. That’s probably the least surprising thing we’ve heard this season. I’d suggest he’s got a little Norman Bates thing going on but I don’t think Markus is capable of violence. The only thing he’s murdered is his chest hair line. Still, I’m curious to know more about where this guy comes from. I picture a lot of strange things on the walls. Maybe a little like a Red Robin only less fun. If any of the guys has dried flowers hanging from his bedroom, it’s Markus. Will he hide his Anne Geddes calendar before the cameras show up? Come to think of it, yes, Markus probably lives in a girl’s 90’s college dorm room. What’s that smell? It’s GAP Dreams. Ahhh. Do I want some Boones Farm? Well that depends, Markus. Do you have Pina Colada?

Dylan

Dylan was neve gonna win this thing. Hats off to him for lasting this long. He had no business being on the show after coming out of such tough family stuff so recently. I’m almost glad it’s over for the poor guy. Head home and spend some time regrouping. Got no hate for ya Dylan. But we won’t miss you either. 50/50 he cries at the Men Tell All. 

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris is actually pretty smooth for a dude that comes from a town of 758. 758! That’s not a lot of people! And judging by next week’s scenes, 758 is being generous. Has Andi not considered this? There were more rhinestones on her dress last night than people in Chris’s hometown. And this was great.

Andi: What would I do here for a job?

Chris: Well, there are opportunities to be a homemaker.

Totally not to be mean, but Chris’s mom looks suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper farmery too. Just something to consider. I’m not telling Andi what to do with that information. It’s just worth noting. This isn’t going to end well. Can Chris do enough to become the next Bachelor? I can’t wait to see.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

Brian went as far as chapped lips can take you. It just wasn’t far enough. He’ll be fine though. The Pennsylvania dutch ladies will be coming at him in waves…waves of grain. Amber waves of grain (USA!!!!). 

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

Last night America’s pain train pulled into Venice where more douche-bag hearts where ready to be broken. Because Venice has water for streets it makes perfect sense to put Andi in a boat and have her fake-look at the sites. Italy is after all, her favorite country…

The guys show up, all of them wearing at least one piece of neon. Cody’s shirt collar defies logic, but what’s new. That’s what he does best. Later, we’ll see the deepest V in franchise history.

How confused are the gondola drivers by what they’re seeing? I mean, they dress up in striped shirts and steer boats with red velvet seats, and yet the bachelorette is 10 times sillier than anything a gondola driver does in a given week. Does this make a gondola driver feel better about himself? Does it ease his pain when he goes home to an ashamed and distant Italian wife?

We also got really intense detective types administering a lie detector test that, we were promised, would deliver shocking secrets! And who was doing the lying, ABC? What a crock. Nobody was outed as having a hidden family. Nobody was caught in the act of being there for the wrong reasons. We didn’t even get to see the results!

Does Amanda Knox watch this episode? Or is it too painful? Another question for another email string.

Let’s get to the guys and just hope that Foxy Knoxy is ok, wherever she is right now. We’re thinking about you Foxy. Always thinking about you.

Nick V. 

Nick shows up in a black leather coat and a scarf that’s gotta be triple tied. How long is that thing when it isn’t in a thousand knots? Where does a man buy a scarf that long? Nick is all scarves and fashion coats. He gets date number 1 and uses it to assure Andi that he isn’t a villain. I haven’t seen him do one villainous thing, apart from last week’s cringe-worthy poem. But the other guys just hate him. Is it jealousy? Is Nick V doing stuff we don’t see on camera? He seems like one of only two guys left that might actually fit with Andi. Who’s the other guy??? We don’t have to look too far to find him..

Josh M. 

That’s right, it’s Josh. Good gracious this guy. If he’s not the dumbest sack of rocks this show has ever trotted out there. It’s gotten to the point where everything he does or says makes me want to hit my own face. Yeah he’s from the south but his accent is something different. I literally think his accent is “stupid”. There’s also something really troubling about his hairline. I can’t put my finger on it. He can’t win this thing and I think having to watch him every week as the next bachelor would be painful. No more Josh. Just stop it. Stop talking.

Markus

Markus is like a green bean that’s been cooked too long. He’s just kind of limp. His whole vibe is just so soft and delicate. You just want to slap him in hopes it would wake him up but one slap would probably be enough to send him slinking off into the dark. The only edge Markus has is the hard line of his manicured chest hair. Markus is like being stuck in the middle seat of a really long flight. You can feel every second of it. You just want it to end. You just want out. But he managed to awkwardly french is way into another week. We’ll see you in Brussels.

Dylan

Dylan admits to not washing his hands after he goes to the bathroom and then questions why he’s sick and has to leave the group date early? It’s because the germs in your poop jump onto your hands when you’re sitting on the toilet and then into your mouth when you’re eating buttered popcorn 2 minutes later. WHO ARE THESE GUYS???? IS THERE A DECENT ONE IN THE BUNCH? You’ve got the idiot (Josh M.) the ninny (Markus) and now a guy with poop germs on his hands??? WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN???? Am I right sisters? Eff!

J.J.

UUUUUUUUUUUGH. Poor double J’s. Our boy showed up to the rose ceremony looking like a POW. He was all sweaty with greasy hair and a fever-beard. Was he eating cocktail snacks straight from Dylan’s hands right before the rose ceremony? JJ was a nice guy. Yeah he stirred up some stupid drama from time to time. And sure, his pants were embarrassing. But he was all heart. All heart and emotions. JJ wasn’t built for this. And it bit him in the end. But look at JJ and look at Andi. They never would’ve been happy together. JJ needs some weirdo hispster-chick he can be awkward with. Andi is all sparkly dresses and blow-out haircuts. As strange as it is to say, JJ has too much style for Andi. We’ll miss you, tall-skinny Jason Segal. Good luck in love. Don’t cry at the Men Tell All. 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Everybody’s favorite farmer is also Andi’s secret admirer? Well done, man. Chris has come a long way from his pity date at the horse track. He might be the best guy left but could it really work with Andi? And is there enough appeal from America to make Chris the next bachelor? Even if he’s dumped back in Iowa, there’s no way every gal in the heartland wouldn’t kill to be with Chris. He’s looking at a bright future with the hearty, corn-fed midwestern girl of his choosing.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

We didn’t get much of Brian this week, just a realization that something funny’s going on with his lips. They always looked chapped. Like he chose this time in his life to try to beat an addiction to chapstick. You know, Chapstick actually just makes your lips more chapped. Brian is also always a little sweaty. The human body is an amazing thing isn’t it? A man’s forehead can be moist as the amazon but just a few inches down it’s dry like the sahara. What a strange mystery.

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

That. Was. Painful. Like the end of Old Yeller. But it didn’t happen right away. We had to watch Cody set himself up as the man who knew his love was not felt in return. Who writes letters to Juliet? Is that really a thing? And what dude does that? How do you even find out it’s even an option? But there he is. Writing his own letter to Juliet and reading it in front of Andi as she’s working up the courage to break his heart. A heart we can see because he’s wearing such a low cut V. His outfit was like something Grace Jones would’ve worn in an early 80’s bond movie. And not in a good way. Cody never stood a chance and his rambling pleading to Andi to keep him around, all while she is crying, it just couldn’t have ended any other way. Somewhere there’s a girl who loves lady shirts and a ducktails haircut on her men. That, or Cody will be alone forever. 50/50. 

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

After a week off, Andi and the douches came back into our lives last night. This time, from the south of France. Marseille is a word I had to google to spell correctly. It’s also a beautiful city. Most importantly, it has a railing for Andi to look out over and fake-think about her adventure.

Chris Harrison showed up for a quick cup of unscripted tea. He managed to squeeze a “Stooooooooooooop” out of Andi, and then left. What temperature was it during their meeting? Andi was in a short leather skirt and C-Harr was wearing a turtleneck, scarf, and a jacket. Is it in Andi’s contract that she must show leg, no matter the weather? What if Chris Harrison has nice legs? Nobody thinks about what Chris can do. What Chris needs.

But enough about Chris. There’s drama in the house. It looks like the men have all gotten on the same cycle or something. It’s nature. Speaking of, we’re in France! Let’s get to the cheesing and whining.

Nick V. 

What the heck is happening with Nick? He has such a little B on the group date. At least we think he was being a little B. He does have a sad face. If Tigger asked Eeyore who he thought should play him in Poo the Movie, Eeyore would take a drag of his cigarette look down at the ground and say, “Probably that little B on the Bachelorette…Nick something. The one with the sauerkraut face.” Pick up your game, Nick.

Josh M. 

Josh M got himself back in the game with a solid date that included a boat ride, bird poop, and a private concert. Here’s my question. How was he excited for the private concert??? Do these guys sit at home and watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette and pump their fists when it’s time for another private concert? Do they tell their buddies that somebody, it’ll be their turn? Apart from having a pretty great girlfriend, private concerts are the number 1 reason I don’t apply to go on these shows. They are the worst. And yet, that guy last night could sing! I don’t know who he is but I wanted to yell at him from my couch, “You’re better than this, man! How did you end up doing a private concert on the Bachelorette???! Eddie Murphy had at least 2 videos on MTV and you can’t make it happen?” And that’s Josh M.

Markus

Markus mimed, “nervous” and he kissed really awkwardly. But I guess if you’re in the lead you can coast. Just please, if you’re gonna french, let your head follow your tongue a little bit. It’s weird when you open your mouth and stick your tongue out and just reach for hers. This isn’t a joust. Get up in there a little, my man. We don’t want to see your tongue, ever.

Dylan

Dylan has gone through some absolute crap in his life. With that said, is he kind of a zero? The guy has no personality. He’s monotone. He’s vanilla. And sure that’s fine in real life. He can find some spazzy Boston chick to balance him out. But this is TV. We need something, anything. He’s got all the charisma of Bayside High’s Mr. Dewey. (google him) Dylan could go home and I wouldn’t give a care.

J.J.

JJ is taking the skinny-jason segel thing into overdrive. And it’s working like a charm! How can you not root for JJ? He spreads some gossip, I guess, but he’s nice and nerdy. He isn’t arrogant at all. He’s the underdog of the guys that have a legit chance to win this thing. And how can you root against an underdog? Don’t you have a soul? I bet when you watch Braveheart you root for the English! Shame on you!

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris did what farmers do. He smiled. In fact, all you need to know about what Chris did last night is this picture. This is Chris. This is what you get…or is it? Next week’s polygraph looks dubious for Iowa’s ambassador. What is Chris hiding? Is it corn? It’s probably corn.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

Brian likes to say he has no game. I don’t think that’s true. His game is blowing it, being honest about blowing it, and then making up for blowing it. It’s like he lowers the bar and then raises it back to where it should’ve been all along, but because it’s being raised, Andi thinks he’s more than what he is. It’s like if an average looking guy decided to get a really bad haircut on purpose. Let’s say he frosts his tips. He’d go from a 5 to a 3. But when his hair grew back, the relief from the girls he knows would be so big and the contrast so huge, they’d think of him as a 7, even though he looks exactly the same as when he was a 5. I dare one of you to try this. Please, for all of us, frost your tips!!

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew is accused of something pretty friggin terrible and pretty friggin hard to make up. There’s no way he didn’t say that word, or at the very least, something like it that’s probably just as bad. So, not cool man. But we don’t have to worry anymore. Because as the saying goes, leave with the girl you came with. Finally, Andrew and Patrick can be happy together. When Patrick said, “I’ve heard from a lot of people, and not just girls, that I have all the qualities to make a great husband”, who do you think he was talking about? Andrew! These guys should at least give it a shot. Just hug for a second with patting each other’s backs. Yada yada yada, I know pronounce you man and man. It’s a beautiful story and ABC would make a killing on a televised wedding. Good luck you two. Love wins. 

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

Seriously?

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Some guys get kicked off this thing and you worry about what they’re going home to (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). And some guys, you just know they are going to kill it as soon as they land in their hometowns. Marquell is going to kill it. He seems like a solid dude. He smiles, even when he’s crying for very legit reasons. A smiling crier? How is that not awesome? I guess as long as it isn’t someone who’s doing it while cutting you into tiny pieces and putting you in the refrigerator for later (the creepy doctor with the blonde lady haircut from this season). We’d wish you good luck, Marquell. But you aren’t gonna need it. 

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

Two episodes in two nights. What a time to be alive! Shoot, that last sentence doesn’t seem super appropriate.

How are we supposed to watch this season? Do we focus on seven guys jumping into the same hotel bathtub and air-toasting with fake champaign glasses? Is it ok to laugh at how upset Josh M. was to lose a pickup game of hoops? I mean, he had to leave the locker room and go stand alone next to the court. His team was called The 5 of Hearts and his number was drawn on with a sharpie!

Or do we focus on the death of Eric, Dylan’s hard life, and Ron’s friend dying suddenly? I’m so confused. I. AM. EXHAUSTED. AND I TRY SO HARD TO GIVE EACH GUY A CHANCE AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW…oh, sorry. I slipped into my Andi breakdown voice.

Seriously though. As cheesy as the show is, I thought they did a nice job handling last night’s episode. Hats off, Chris Harrison. And good on Andi for showing up to talk about Eric.

We better get to our douchewatch before the tv actress emotions start pouring out of my face.

 

Nick V. 

Sunday night was huge for Nick. While we didn’t see a ton of him last night, he’s done something Eric couldn’t. Nick started strong and he’s been progressing steadily every episode. Checkered shirts and ties. It’s a winning formula.

Josh M. 

Ok. This might be offensive. It might not. But where else besides a bachelorette recap email can you test cultural boundaries? Josh has this way of speaking. I’ve seen it before in my white friends. They change their accent while talking to black people and then it kind of lingers for a minute or two after the conversation is over. It’s like all of a sudden I’m standing next to Marshall Mathers or something. Josh has this accent running all the time. It’s distracting. He sounds like a milder version of Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait. Add that to Josh’s weird kissing, his bicep tattoos, and his general idiocy and I’m calling it now. No way Josh wins this thing. No way he becomes the next bachelor. He’s basically Cody with dark hair and anger issues. I’m off Josh.

Markus

If Nick V isn’t the favorite, Markus has to be up there. Andi has been into him from the second he stepped out of the limo. Last night he proved to her that their love can conquer anything because they repelled down a hotel together. What’s sickness and health, richer or poor when you’ve scaled the side of a Connecticut hotel/casino together? The only thing that goes against Marky Markus is that he’s already dropped the “falling in love” line. Is that a record? We’re like 4 episodes in! As Josh M would say, “Check yo self” Markus.

Dylan

Dylan. That was legitimately sad last night. You can tell the guy is still shattered by the deaths of his siblings. Maybe that’s why he’s so monotone. He has one facial expression. I’ll bet they begged him to smile in his promo picture and this is what they got. But after putting up such big walls, this probably feels like an ear-to-ear grin to the guy. I hope for only good stuff for Dylan. He needs something to break his way.

J.J.

JJ is tall, and somehow after the gut-wrenching loss to the Rosebuds, he managed to tuck himself into a tiny locker. JJ was so broken up about the loss he had to sit in the fetal position and rock himself back to sanity. It’s just more evidence that JJ is a nice guy but he’s not emotionally strong(dull) enough for this adventure. We can’t be more than 2 weeks away from an epic JJ meltdown. We could see some ugly crying. Like, snot out of the nose stuff.

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can¹t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there¹s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don¹t know that you¹re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man. 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

Chris did what farmers do. He sat back and didn’t say much. I mean, are there loud farmers? Think about the guys that Kevin Costner meets at the supply store in Field of Dreams. Nobody ever thinks about them.

Eric

We saw the cracks starting to form on Sunday night. Eric was getting weird. Last night took things to a whole new level. Was Eric wrong about Andi maybe playing to the cameras a little? Probably not. Was that absolutely the worst possible thing he could’ve said to a girl he was trying to get to know? Yes. And it got him a cab ride out of Connecticut. He didn’t even get a limo! His decision was pretty brutal, and if he was still alive we’d be ripping on his strategy. But he’s not still alive so we’ll just move on. Sad stuff. 

Brian

A coach with no game. The irony. And how many of us guys have done exactly what Brian did last night. Not exactly. I doubt even one of us has made a half court shot on command while also on a dating show. But how many times have we let moments pass without kissing girls we like? It’s never not crushing. The banging of our steering wheels on drives home. The swearing at ourselves. The questioning about where our balls went and if we’d ever find them again. But Brian rebounded (basketball joke) from that in fine fashion and got his kiss. What’s better is that Andi loved it! She’s feelin coach. In fact, I’m moving Brian into my top 3!!! Ahead of Josh M. And who wouldn’t be fine with Brian winning this thing? I’d love to see Andi as a small-town Pensilvania lady.

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

We got almost nothing from this season’s hottest couple. We do know that Patrick has terrible shooting form. And that things seem to be fine with Andrew and the rest of the guys. Maybe that’s what a trip to Connecticut will do. The magic of such an exotic location. It’s the kind of place where people forget their troubles. Come to Connecticut. [bad bumper sticker idea]

Tasos

Tasos was such a non-factor and so obviously-probably gay that ABC didn’t even bother showing us his exit. No judgements, Tasos. Just confusion. This season is so confusing! You seem like a very polite fellow and I’ll bet you plan the hell out of a wedding. Good luck in life, man. Opa! 

Cody

And then there was Cody. The last of the obvious cuts. But you know what? Cody’s not that bad. Yes he showed up to the hotel wearing shorts with a scarf and a beanie pulled way back on his head but that’s just Cody. That’s just what he does. He’s that kind of guy you grow to tolerate, and then like. I’d hang with Cody and probably forget about his Codyness, until we went out in public. He’s way more likable than Josh and AndrewandPatrick. You go, Code.

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Marquell Fresh. Another night. More laughs from Andi. But still no kissing. You’ve gotta move fast, Marquell. Fake a fall and land with your lips on hers. Do anything. Just make it happen. You can do it, man.

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

…Make a wish, and blow out the candlelight.

Motown Philly back again, and this time, with guitars. I’m sure you all have Boys2Men memories. I could tell you about a particular 7th grader who used his mom’s mousse to keep up a mean side part and followed Meredith Hamilton around like a puppy dog. But I won’t do that because you don’t care and it’s sad. The only thing more awkward than a 7th grade boy who uses women’s mousse is an opera singer trying to opera-sing a Boys2Men song. But more on Bradley a little later.

We’re trimming fat but we still have a long way to go. Maybe that’s why ABC gave us the extra episode. But that’s the thing about gifts from heaven. You don’t ask why you get them, you just drink them in and thank the good Lord for his provisions.

Speaking of, lets get to the douchebags.

 

Nick V. 

Nick solidified himself as a potential final 4 favorite. His sleepy face puts Andi at ease and he’s creative. Last week he presented Andi with a date card. This week he had flowers delivered at the cocktail party. This guy thinks outside the box. How else could you explain the jacket he wore on his one-on-one? It looked like a trench coat for a young child with really long arms. Nick V. Always keeps you on your toes.

Josh M. 

Josh’s try-hard singing may’ve been the worst. I think he thinks he sounds good. Maybe it’s because the past two weeks of his life were spent with Craig building up his ego. But the house loves Josh. They think he’s got integrity. I think he might be the dumb jock he’s tried so hard to convince Andi he isn’t. In any case, I’d hate to live in apartment directly next to his. No way he doesn’t sing in the shower. Loudly. Poorly. Oh. Last thing about Josh. He’s this season’s frontrunner for weirdest kisser. We’ll see how that develops.

Markus

Markus got some make out last night. I can’t put my finger on ol Markus. I’ve never seen a guy shave who shaves his body from the nipples down. I didn’t know that was a thing. Does he keep a ruler in his bathroom? It’s like his torso has a mustache.

Dylan

Dylan’s had a rough go in life. I’m glad he got a rose last night. Apart from the terrible stuff he’s had to go through, we don’t know that much about him. Hopefully, that will change.

J.J.

JJ kind of has a skinny Jason Segal thing going on. Similar voice. Similar goofiness. He’s a lot, this JJ. His pants look like something Lisa Turtle would’ve made for her FIT fashion show at The Max. He can do a cartwheel and throw a football in one motion. He’s got a strong jaw line but really crazy eyes. And I think he’s way too emotional for this game. He’ll burn himself out, like a dying star. Something tells me JJ has weird breath and no idea about it. Just a hunch.

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can’t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there’s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don’t know that you’re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man.

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

Chris

We got almost no Chris last night. All he did was comfort Dylan on a couch. And I think that’s his thing. He’s a farmer’s son.

Eric

A few weeks ago, Eric was amazing. The perfect guy to open the show with the first one on one. But this week some weird insecurities and a lot of over-politeness started to pop up. He’s another guy that doesn’t seem to be built for the mental toil of this game. No matter what he does, it’s always weird to watch. There’s just no making fun of the guy. We’ll move on.

Brian

Brian was another guy that didn’t do a whole lot. I think they kissed and that Andi liked it. Brian seems to be in a solid position. If they can hold a conversation, he could be a top 4 guy.

Bradley

Ugggh, Bradley. The over-singing. The singing at all. Opera singing is appropriate in 2 places. 1) On a stage during an opera  2) On an athletic field in front of thousands of people right before a game. Any other time, an opera singer singing is like that guy in your office that does really tired impressions of celebrities that go on like 2 or 3 minutes too long. Bradley doesn’t get that. He’s so eager. Even the look he gave Andi as the roses were getting low..It was this, “please don’t hurt me. I’m fragile. Look at how pink my face is in my promo picture” thing. And I’m sure Andi was considering it. But Bradley made one error this week that nobody could come back from. He wore a jacket that defied logic. What was that thing? A bomber jacket? It had so much sheepskin! It’s leather was so shiny! Where do you buy a jacket like that? How did he fit that thing in a suitcase? Did he have to check extra luggage at the airport because of the shear volume of that thing? At least Nick V’s toddler trench coat was thin. You can fold a toddler trench. And then, Bradly gets kicked off and he cries. But not the kind of tears that well. He cries single tears, the worst kind of man tears. They stream, individually, down his pink cheeks. Won’t some socially unaware woman somewhere, love Bradley? 

Andrew and Patrick

How much fun did Andrew and Patrick have on their Boys2Men date? It was just a shame all the other guys and Andi had to be there. What’s interesting is that Patrick made a big deal about saying hot hot Andi is while at the same time, Andrew made a big deal about getting another woman’s phone number. You know who brags about that stuff and talks about how hot women are all the time? Guys that like other guys. Just drop the charade already, fellas. Somebody’s gotta find love on this show. Why not you?

Tasos

I was buying spinach at the grocery store this weekend and I caught a headline in some tabloid about Tasos being caught doing gay stuff with some guy. There was a picture of him licking some dude’s chest. Wait, you’re telling me the wedding planner might be gay? Surely not this guy (see picture)…

Cody

Cody sticks around but he knows what’s going on. He even told Andi, “No matter what happens, today was awesome.” Still, I’ll bet he’s building up hope with every rose ceremony he survives. Will we have to watch him try to kiss Andi? Will it be weird when she kicks him off and gives him a high-five only to see that he’s crying? Cody is the friend zone. At this point, he should just throw in the towel and stay on the show as a gal pal Andi can talk to about Nick V and Markus.

Brett

America still isn’t ready for a rattail. When will we progress?? How in any world did Brett have a chance at winning this thing? Would he have had to save Andi in an earthquake? Or stop the next 9/11? We’ll never know. I feel like most of Brett’s bathroom counter space is taken up with colognes. He seems like the kind of guy that has really moist hands too. You know how when you’re getting your haircut and the barber brushes his or her hand up against your ear and it’s always kind of moist? That’s Brett. Moist. 

Marquell

Terrible singer, but he managed to try hard and not make it super uncomfortable. That’s gotta mean something. Good on ya, Marquell. See you tonight.

Ron

Sad stuff with Ron. I like how he handled stuff. Didn’t try to mug for the cameras. Didn’t spend a lot of time being sad in front of the guys. He didn’t let the show take advantage of a lame situation. We’ll miss ya buddy. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.

How do you recap what happened last night in a single email? A dead man, a literal dead person, spoke about how a first date could be the beginning of the rest of his life. Male strippers rubbed their bodies all over Chris Harrison. Craig expressed his infatuation with Josh M, Craig had booze face, Craig stomped all over some random mansion, Craig had a fully-clothed splash fight with no one, Craig sang, and Craig hugged. Old people were cute. Horses walked sideways. And on top of all that, Andi wore a two-piece bikini! I mean, we can deal with all that other stuff, but Andi without her one-piece? That’s like Jordan without a basketball or Julia Child without an oven.

This is going to take some processing. Let’s see how our D-bags did.

 

Nick V. 

Nick V has a sleepy kinda thing going on. It’s like the rest of the show is in High Def, but Nick V’s face and hair are on regular old channel 4. But, for as much as Nick V’s face is cloudy, his mind is sharp. Who gives Andi a date card? Nick V. That’s who. He flipped the script and found a way to make 5 mins a little more creative. Hats off Nick V. Or maybe, hats on?

 

Josh M. 

If Craig was the bachelorette, this season would be over right now because Craig loves Josh. Andi might not be fare behind. Super good looking people can take their games to even higher places by being aloof or going the other way and being overly shy. This is Josh’s plan. I don’t trust him. It’s that or he’s kind of a knucklehead. Or he’s a total catch.

 

Markus

I remember reading something from some guys that used to work on the Jimmy Kimmel show. They saw hundreds of beautiful actresses a year and, out of any of them they swore that the most striking was Laura Linney. Now, Laura Linney is a pretty lady, but she isn’t often mentioned with the more obvious hollywood hotties. Markus is this show’s Laura Linney. Unless I’m missing something and all of you ladies think he’s a Grade A handsome fellow. He took his good-in-person looks and did somethings with them stripping out of a sailor suit. Have I mentioned yet that this is a chick show and I should not be watching it? Ok, just so we’re clear.

 

Dylan

Dylan is riding under the radar. But I contend, his haircut is too confident to go home anytime soon. Don’t let yourself forget about ol D-bag Dyl.

 

J.J.

Some men just aren’t made for this adventure. Some of those men make pants. J.J is already crumbling. We’re in week 2. He’s got a pool with great afternoon sun. What is there to crumble under? Chill out, J’s. You could be making terrible pants soon enough. Enjoy the house. Make an omelette.

 

Nick S. 

Nick left the show asking what went wrong and why he can’t find love. It could be that he showed his taint at a charity event. It could also be that he was more interested in splash fighting with Craig than spending time with Andi. Nick, you make a funny robot but unless there’s a splash-fighting, taint-loving girl out there I don’t know that you’re really close to anything positive happening in the world of love. Hit em straight out there man.

 

Carl

You’re a firefighter who’s asked to dress up like a firefighter and then strip. Given those softballs, you still strike out? What was it about Carl that we didn’t see? Did he have poo breath? Does he not believe the Holocust was a real thing? Was it the extra thick glasses? Carl, what happened???

 

Chris

Chris refers to “the track” as, “the tracks”. He may not be the brightest guy, but Chris is a sweetheart. He’s a sweetheart who’s in way over his head. While it may’ve looked like a solid date from the outside, I think Andi was just using Chris to regain her confidence after she’d been Craiged the night before. How painful is it going to be in 5 weeks when Andi lets him go and tells him that unlike the old couple they met at the track, she just doesn’t know if she wants to spend her life with Chris. I’m already worried for him.

 

Eric

What do you say? The guy is ridiculous. When asked what he doesn’t do well the only thing he could come up with was, “I’m not very good at playing the piano.” You don’t say that unless you play the piano at least a little bit, which is a lot bit more than most everybody else on the planet. Eric is kind of the man. If he hadn’t died I think he would’ve been the next bachelor. It feels like they’re grooming us to fall for the guy. But none of it was/is to be. It’s awkward to watch this guy knowing what happens. And not the fun kind of awkward the rest of the show gives us. Uuugh.

 

Brian

Last week, Brian was forgettable. This week Andi saw that he has abs. In this game, that’s enough to keep a guy around for a solid month.

 

Bradley

Bradley gets the final rose of the night. Yes he has a nice voice. And double yes it’s awkward to hear him sing. Bradley, we already have more than enough private concerts from bands we’ve never heard of. Get off that knee. Muss up that mid-90s middle-part. Open your eyes and be normal.

 

Andrew and Patrick

Andrew got an early rose and they immediately cut to Patrick. You could see the nervousness on his face. It’s too early for these two to be separated. They’ve only begun to talk about Formula One and how they’re better than all of the other guys. Andrew hasn’t even copied Patrick’s pocket square yet. If you believe in love (which is a dumb thing to question since you watch this show) you have to root for Andrew and Patrick to get more time.

 

Tasos

I just don’t get it. A feminine guy with mini-gagues in his ears. I’d say he’s in the next batch to go but I think Andi is really curious about him. I guess that’s why I’m not the bachelorette. Opa!

 

Cody

Last night, Cody added a Superman curl to his ducktails haircut. I mean, How does this guy stick around? I know we only got to see 3 guys go last night but come on? What are we not seeing? Was he the one who got Andi’s dad on Lipitor? Look at this guy!

 

Brett

We didn’t get a ton of Brett this week. In fact I think they’re trying to hide his rattail from us which is a crime against freedom. If abc ever wants to get the rattail demographic they’re going to have to give us more Brett. And really, who buys more Chobani yogurt and tampons than guys with rattails?

 

Marquell

Marquell likes to match patterns. That’s really all we know about the guy after 2 weeks.

 

Ron

Ron was interrupted by Craig when trying to talk to Andi. Somehow he turned that into receiving the first rose at the ceremony. Embrace these early weeks if you’re a Ron fan (a Ran? A Fon?).

 

Craig

Ohhhhhh Craigery. You defy anything we’ve seen on Television. And television has been around for a long time. It’s not just the gay thing. The mentally handicapped thing. The drunk thing. The I can’t get my dress shirt off because it’s full of pool water thing. The I’m going to push a guy into a stove thing. The I can play guitar so you probably think I can sing just kidding I can’t sing at all thing. The a$$ out hugging thing. Seriously you look like a really tall mailman trying to put mail in a mail box when you hug. Only you’re like exactly Andi’s height. Why are you doing that? It’s the combination of all those things. You’re an inspiration for so many people groups. You might be the most important American, Craig. And like Janet Jackson said, “I miss you much”.