Usually we recap this episode in great detail, going through each of the guys to see how they did to recover their reputations after losing on a dating show. But last night was kind of a stinker.

1. We didn’t get any Craig.
2. Most of the douchebags didn’t say a word.

So instead of going through each guy, we’ll talk about them all right here, up top.

But first, we need to acknowledge a few things.

1. The first 20 minutes of this show is always fast forwardable. Last night was no exception.
2. The entire night was pretty much a long commercial for Bachelor in Paradise.
3. Discovering the sex of your baby on TV? Who thought this was a good idea? It’s exploitive, even for the bachelor but what’s worse is that it’s exploiting two people we don’t care about. We stopped caring about Ashely and JP the second Bentley left the show. Which was amazing.
4. The late Eric continues to be proved right with Andi’s TV actress thing. She was hamming it up. She seemed so put on. Be real with us Andi. Be real with yourself. It’s all we ask. That, and tears. Man tears.
5. The only thing the Men Tell All got right was to call themselves out on the scarf thing.

Ok, let’s look at the men who did something.

J.J. 

J.J.’s got that thing where you can’t tell if he’s worked out a ton recently, or just eaten really poorly. Is he buff or just fat? Either way, he was really red. Was he nervous or sunburned? Even his eyes were red. Did he fall asleep on a beach with his eyes open? J.J is like an episode of L.O.S.T. Every time we see him there are just more questions. What’s in the hatch????!!!!! And what’s J.J talking about with defending his honor? The guy did not come off well. He looked worse than the possible racist. And that’s bad because racism is bad. If the bachelorette teaches us nothing else, it’s that racism is bad.

Marquell

People love Marquell. And he was in the perfect condition to come out looking even sweeter. He may’ve been disrespected on the show and he handled it like an adult. For that, he is a hero. But he committed a cardinal sin of reality show fame. He tried to capitalize on a gimmick we didn’t really care about. The cookies. He probably tells people in Los Angeles that he’s, “The Cookie Guy” from the bachelorette. And people from Los Angeles probably nod and lie about having any clue what Marquell is talking about. Act like you’ve been there before, Marquell. You don’t need to stoop to gimmicks. Just wear colorful clothes and smile. That’s enough. You’re welcome.

Andrew

Is he a racist? I don’t know. Probably a little. Did he say what J.J says he said? I don’t know. Probably a little. Was it kind of funny when he called Marquell, “Ron”? Yeah, it was. And am I a racist for knowing why that was cringeworthy-style funny? I don’t know. This is confusing. Andrew’s personal life is taking a hit. He didn’t lose his job but he might. Is his boss kind of on the fence about this whole thing? It’s been months since we found out what Andrew may or may not have whispered on national TV. Andrew’s boss, make up your mind. Quit stringing Andrew along like this. He doesn’t deserve it. Unless, he does? So confusing.

Nick S. 

The classic back row guy that talks too much. Nick S., you didn’t matter on the show and you certainly don’t matter now. Wash the LA Looks gel out of your hair. Do up the appropriate number of buttons on your shirt and shut up.

Cody

Cody didn’t say much. His terrible shirt was loud enough for both of them.

Markus

It’s crazy to me that Markus has slept with over 20 women. That means he’s been married over 20 times? Is that some kind of record?

Chris

The show is reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaly trying to hype Chris as the next bachelor because they need somebody to do it. But the guy has no personality. We don’t need another Andi. But we need some kind of charisma. Get this guy into media training. Put him into an acting class just to loosen him up. Maybe an overnight retreat somewhere with trust falls and nature walks. I don’t know. It’s that, or we’ll get the most wooden bachelor in history. You might as well just set a tray of roses next to an ear of corn.

And finally, Chris Bukowski

The former douchebag who just won’t leave us alone! He tried to crash the first night and was stonewalled by security. He made an a$$ of himself on Bachelor Pad. He’s back doing the same on Bachelor in Paradise. And last night, when Chris Harrison called him out, Bukowski thought he could walk down on stage only to have Harrison stonewall him again! There’s a point where it’s just sad. And we reached that point with Chris B about 2 years ago. Somebody needs to leave a puppy on Chris B.’s porch, ring his doorbell and run. The guy needs something, anything to keep him at home. Fill up his time so he can’t show up on TV anymore.

Next week it’s the finale. Andi’s dad. Scarves in warm weather. Who, if anybody will really win? We’ll find out.