Overnights! The Ross has landed.

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Ross, we salute you. You are our biggest tool. Also, welcome to overnights and congrats on igniting the hearts and minds, and from the looks of social media—the pants of America.

Some people, me included, think you are a cheesy, narcissistic douchebag who’s at the very least emotionally abusive. Apparently many others think you are sex in a beige suit. You’ve made us question who is better? A skinny, dorky, failed racecar driver who’s professed his love to multiple girls, or a meathead try-hard who I’m sure posts nonsensical inspirational quotes on his Instagram feed in between shots of the country club or the football sideline.

We struggle with Arie because he’s harmless. We struggle with Ross because he’s harmful. I struggle with all the tampon and make up commercials because it suggests that maybe I’m caught up in a show that’s targeted pretty intensely at women. I don’t know, maybe I’m born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Ross’s brain took him as far as,…

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…but it stopped before he could consider, “If I really love Becca I’ll want her to be happy and a trip to Peru might be more about me than about her. I think I will give her the freedom she clearly wants and if it doesn’t work out I will go after her in a way that she’ll appreciate. Or maybe, and this is crazy, I’ll realize how many other fish there are in the douchey sea I swim in. Are you done with the lat pulldown machine? Mind if I mix in some sets?”

I’ll try to move on from Ross, secure in the knowledge that I don’t have to put up with him at a game night or watch him give a best man speech at a wedding. Final thought: Could we potentially see a pair of shoes walking down the sandy stairs in Paradise and be shocked when the camera pans up and it’s Ross? How would he do in Paradise? Chris Harrison has been asking himself that question for months.

This week was interesting. Three successful day dates and three seemingly successful overnights. How many women did Arie bed? This whole thing feels like it’s on a crash course to disaster.

First up was Kendall and some fun in the dunes. Kendall is the best. She’d make for a super interesting bachelorette. Very likeable. She’s like Nuprin. Little, yellow, different.

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The L word wasn’t dropped because Kendall is a healthy, human being. That didn’t stop them from hitting the fantasy suite and her waking up without eye makeup.

Next up is Lauren. Sometimes people who don’t talk much have expressive faces so you can get something from them. Lauren is not one of these people. She’s basically Data with longer hair.

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But Arie seems to be deeply in love with her and the feeling is mutual. Arie can barely get through reading the fantasy suite invitation before Lauren is up and walking him to the fantasy suite with the show’s creator’s wife singing a cover of a country song that isn’t new but also isn’t old enough to be nostalgic. The camera pans to a candle and fades to black which is 80’s music video code for, “they’re gonna do sex. All four bases.”

Lauren wakes up without eye make up and she’s ready to be mrs Arie’s last name.

Finally we get Becca. Charming from start to finish. As Arie puts it, “she’s perfect”. The only flaw in her game is that she talks about her ex-boyfriend directly to camera, a lot, and in a way that feels like foreshadowing. But what could go wrong? This date is the best. Boats, confidence, I love you’s, and a fantasy tent that offers everything except a place to poop. If you’re going on this show you better not need much to fall asleep. No humidifiers, sound machines, fans, sleeping medication, place to store your mouth guard.

Arie mentions that he could end the show right then and there and marry Becca. Just when we think a Bachelor or Bachelorette will pick the best option, EverythingThat’sWrongWithAmerica shows up with flowers.

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It’s not enough for Arie to change his mind and he takes Kendall aside to let her down easy. Of course she handles it with grace and class. A single tear, a pretty tear falls from her eye while she’s being complimentary of Arie and hopeful for her future. It’s one of the better goodbyes this show has ever seen.

So where are we? We’ve got a man in love with two women and the promise of tears in a hotel room. We also see Arie walking with an umbrella in the rain signifying he’s sad.

While we wait with bated breath, let’s take a super quick look at the ladies with a sentence or two, remembering the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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She’ll either win, be the next bachelorette, or go about her life as a corespondent on E or Bravo. But no matter what happens, she’ll never have to date Ross again.

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She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck. 

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

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Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD. 

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Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine. 

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We haven’t seen grace like this from a potential cannibal since Queequeg offered his bed to Ishmael in the opening chapters of Mobe’s Dick. Kendall is awesome and I hope she finds a decent guy who likes her for more than her need to collect dead animals on day hikes. 

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A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it. 

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Still has to be the favorite. Not of ours, by a long shot, but of Arie’s. And that’s all that matters.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun! 
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It’s really sad that Tia had to go. She’s awesome and she handled the break up with about as much grace as possible. If Becca is winning the town pageant and towing cute kids in a wagon through a pumpkin patch, Tia is at the town bar laughing loudly and making every single man fall in love with her. She’s sassy and sweet and smart and grounded. Tia wins this year’s, “I wish she’d move to a bigger city so she had a larger pool of dudes to meet” award. I’ve never been to Little Rock but if Tia’s dating bad guys, I blame Arkansas. And it doesn’t even need to be a bigger city. Tia, move to Waco and marry that single guy from that episode of Fixer Upper. You two could rule that town. You’re America’s Sweetheart and we’re all rooting for you. 

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One more week. It’s been a great season. Keep forever loving each other.

g

 

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Week 8 – HOMETOWNS!

Sometimes in this journey there are episodes that are super enjoyable and also answer most every question I have. They’re tough to write about because I feel like most of my feelings are worked out in real time. Last night was one of those episodes. I’m going into this with very little to comment on. Will anything pop into my mind? Let’s see.

What’s rattling around in my brain?

  • Arie is following Bachelorette Rachel in his admission that above all else he wants a wife out of this. The right person feels like a nice-to-have. That makes it hard to respect the guy, even if he can Tokyo-drift a racecar around a dirt track.

 

  • With the Bachelor and Bachelorette, we get 2 hometown episodes every year and it’s 2 reminders that pretty people don’t always come from hot parents. I don’t understand the genetics, mainly because I was a Communications major in college, but also because the math doesn’t add up. Two 10’s can make a 10. I get that. But how to two 2’s make a 10? I think every hometown parent should be required to present their wedding photos to help us get to the bottom of things. And it shouldn’t need to be said but I’ll do it anyway, none of that really matters. It’s just fascinating. We’re fed 7 weeks of fantasy and then thrown into a normal town and a modest 3 bed 2 bath rambler and it’s jarring.

 

  • Tia’s brother said he hasn’t always been there to look after her but he is now. Is that code for, “I was in prison but I’m cool now and looking forward to a new lease on life.” His earrings suggest he was thrown into the pokey in about 1995 and just didn’t change with the times since.

 

  • The previews for this episode looked like Arie was going to be thrown into a chipper shredder of protective parents. But everybody turned out to be pretty easy on our man. They all trust their daughters which makes sense because all of their daughters seem to be pretty great.

 

  • And that’s the weird thing in all this. After a wild ride, Arie is left with some legit options. The biggest boobie trap would be Laruen’s boringness. How many brunches would you have to go to before saying, “shoot, my wife hasn’t said anything in months and here we are eating another avocado toast in silence while surrounded by a bunch of happy, interesting people having laughs and talking about life. I wonder what dead animals Kendall found on her hike today.”

 

  • Speaking of bland, Lauren comes from a family with all the spice of Quaker Oats.

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Our hallway paint color is called Distant Grey. It’s basically white. I even saw them make it at Home Depot. It’s a can of white paint with one tiny drop of black. I can’t emphasize how small the drop of black is. They might as well just say Distant Grey is what they call their cans of white paint that sit adjacent to the black paint on the display shelves. Why am I telling you all this? Because the only thing whiter than our hallway is Laruen’s family. Lauren’s family makes the movie It’s Complicated feel like Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail.

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Her dad asked Arie about golf. They moved from the formal living room to the formal dining room. Lauren and her mom laid down on a bed with a headboard made of reclaimed wood. The levels of whiteness just compounded throughout the night. I know sceintists think we all came from Africa but maybe, just maybe, Laruen’s family came from a single-celled organism that spawned in sulfer water which is now England. That organism later grew tiny legs and crawled onto shore and immediately subscribed to Land’s End.

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  • Kendell’s sister Kylie is all about intuition, but not in the chilled out way you’d appreciate in a hippy-ish sister in law. She’s like the Joan Calamezo of spirituality with her Gotcha method of reading energy.

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  • Kylie comes at you like a friend but when you aren’t looking she’s questioning everything you’re about. It would be hard to try and recap your fantasy football draft to Kylie. I feel like you’d invite her to a Thanksgiving feast and she’d show up in black to protest America’s stealing land from the indigenous peoples. I would constantly recommend terrible CBS sitcoms to Kylie even though I knew she didn’t own a TV, just for the fun of it.

And I think that’s it. That’s all I got. Let’s take a deeper look at each woman and see if there’s anything else to learn before heading into the last two weeks. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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All four of the women going into hometowns had something to offer. Some kind charm. Becca’s version is perfect for TV. She’d be the Ms. AnyTownUSA. She knows where an apple orchard is. She’d probably bring good post-game snacks to a youth soccer game. She’s stable and witty and looks nice in a ponytail. Tia’s gonna get a lot of applause at the Women Tell All but I think Becca would make the best bachelorette. If not that, she should marry Peter from Rachel’s season. The only issue is that they’d be two 10’s and end up having ugly children because life makes no sense.

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She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck. 

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

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Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD. 

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Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine. 

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A message to Arie. Kendall is “quirky”, not “quarky”. Only Quark can be “quarky”.

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She’s also super sweet and while you look at her unwillingness to jump into a marriage when she isn’t ready as a weakness, I’m thinking it makes her more real and healthy. Kendall is lovely, but she probably belongs with someone a little more spiritual, a searcher. Someone who knows how to make hummus and mescaline pants. Are there mescaline pants? I don’t know and that probably means I shouldn’t be with Kendall.

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A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it. 

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They spend the day together riding horses on a beach, kissing in a lighthouse, and eating crab and LAUREN DOESN’T SPEAK!!!!! Later, the awkward silences at her house are just the best. Arie I beg of you, don’t marry a girl because she looks cute on a horse. Let this be the blog that saves your life. I’ll even come to the wedding and we can laugh about our mutual salt and pepper hair.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun! 
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It’s really sad that Tia had to go. She’s awesome and she handled the break up with about as much grace as possible. If Becca is winning the town pageant and towing cute kids in a wagon through a pumpkin patch, Tia is at the town bar laughing loudly and making every single man fall in love with her. She’s sassy and sweet and smart and grounded. Tia wins this year’s, “I wish she’d move to a bigger city so she had a larger pool of dudes to meet” award. I’ve never been to Little Rock but if Tia’s dating bad guys, I blame Arkansas. And it doesn’t even need to be a bigger city. Tia, move to Waco and marry that single guy from that episode of Fixer Upper. You two could rule that town. You’re America’s Sweetheart and we’re all rooting for you. 

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Next week we get the Women Tell All AND another episode. Get ready to listen to Krystal talk about being a victim. Until then, foreverlove each other.

g

 

Week 7 – It’s so Italian.

Happy Valentines Day!!!!!!! Today marks the 30th anniversary of the day a 5th grade girl broke up with me using Sweethearts that said, “It’s over.” and “Don’t call”.

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I hope all of you have better days than I did back in 1988.

Welcome to life after Krystal. It’s less annoying but just as baffling. We begin with Arie’s one on one with Janet.

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Becca K is just as loveable as everybody’s favorite non-human from The Good Place, the show that not enough people are watching. Like The Good Place, Becca K is wonderful and overlooked. Sure they have a good time strolling through Tuscany. She has fun things to say but it’s looking more and more like her story will end with a turn as the next Bachelorette. And that’s just fine by us. Let Arie have what Arie wants while we all shake our heads.

Sienne goes hunting for fungus and then back to lunch with Italy’s most charming little family. This was like the second season of Master of None only without the weird Aziz Anzari sexual harassment(?) stuff. Truffels are pretty tastey but they are murder on the breath. Looks like it made for tough kissing. Things don’t end well for Sienne…or do they?

Next we get a Lonely Planet guidebook come to life as Lauren offers her take on Italy. “It’s so Italian.” Thanks Lauren.

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Later, somehow, the mere suggestion that she’s falling for Arie makes him get up and leave because he’s so overcome with emotion. I worry for their future pets because there’s gonna be so much awkward silence in that house.

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I mean, wouldn’t the producers want to edit Lauren to be wonderful? To give us the love story we all want and need? If they’re pulling the best stuff and that stuff is her walking silently, what does the worst stuff look like?

This season would be immediately forgettable if not for Krystal’s voice, Bekah M’s Ferris Bueller haircut…,

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…Annalise’s fear of puppies, and bumper cars, Kendall’s reality TV breaking empathy…Gosh, it’s actually been a pretty good season despite Arie’s mild sauce charisma.

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Jacqueline wants something a little spicier and she peaces out in a hail of tears and french kissing. Her mind knows to run but her body wants all of whatever it is Arie is offering. Because she’s super smart, the brain wins and that’s all the Jacqueline we get. Many of you saw something in her from the beginning. I came later but I loved what I saw. Jacqueline will be missed. I will go to a drugstore, by some Herbal Essence shampoo, and pour some out for Jacqueline. #shampoocommercialhair

The episode closes with a 3 woman group date where Kendall, Tia, and Ferris battle for the final two roses. Bekah cries the blackest tear in history. Tia gets real in a way that somehow doesn’t make her seem mean. Tia is legit. If Bekka K turns down the Bachelorette, Tia’s gotta be the choice. She looks like the amalgamation of every brunette TV actress on the CW right now. She’s got the look of someone you’d see in a Los Angeles coffee shop and you’d want to go up and ask her for her autograph but you’d be too nervous because you don’t know her name so when you’re asking it’s like you’re also asking yourself.

Kendall cruises to a daytime rose leaving Tia and lil Ferris to battle it out after dark. But nighttime is no time for children and Bekah’s interesting run on the show ends with a quick walk to the van and more tears on her way back to America where she’ll go missing on a pot farm leaving her poor mother to call the authorities.

We’ve made it to Hometowns!!!! A final four of Kendall, Becca K, Tia, and Lauren B Sayin Nothin. It looks rough next week with some angry parents. Before we get into that, let’s go deeper and see how everybody did. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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Becca does Italian things with the whimsey of…well, an Italian. But something just seems off with them. It’s like two people enjoying each other but also recognizing that while great, they aren’t a perfect fit. This looks like two people who would be OK repopulating the species if they were the last humans on earth. They’d even high five when it was all said and done. But if any other person came wandering up in that post apocalyptic scenario, both of them would be ready to bolt. This is maybe like if you have to travel with a co-worker you don’t know super well and you manage to get through it without too much awkward silence. You both feel like you’ve won and you’re happy going your separate ways when it’s over. Sure you’ll always have the Enterprise rental car waiting line, but it didn’t have to be more than that. I stand by wanting Becca K to be the next bachelorette and if not that, my new neighbor.

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She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck. 

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

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Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD. 

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Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine. 

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We’ve been seeing it for weeks. Arie is into Kendall. You can see it in the way they smooch. Plus, Kendall is awesome and a little weird which is perfect for Arie who, despite living in the least weird city and doing the least weird job, is somehow kind of a weirdo. I feel like a lot of us are rooting for Kendall. Does that mean we want her to win or do we want her to lose but go on to better things? This show really does make us ask the tough questions.

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A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it. 

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Lauren is statuesque in that she’s pretty and she MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A STATUE. She’s impossible to read because she has no expression and also because THERE ARE NO WORDS ON THE PAGES OF HER LIFE. I would say Lauren would pass any polygraph test but I think the machine would get bored during questioning and just fall asleep. And yet this is the woman that has driven (racecar pun intended) our man Arie to breaking the Bachelor rules and admitting his love for her.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun! 
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Tia keeps it real and keeps herself in the picture. Looking forward to hometowns, she also sparks the controversial conversation around interesting looking parents who somehow produced next-level attractive children. Judging by the clips for next week, all of the women fall into that category this year. We’re all thinking it but should we be talking about it? People age, we all age. And, these parents didn’t sign up for the show. They didn’t ask to be critiqued but it’s really interesting. Again, this show forces us into the depths of ourselves.

While you look at yourself in a mirror, please know that I Foreverlove you. Till next time.

g

Week 6 – I’m a woman-uh.

This week, humans launched a car into space. There’s a dummy sitting in the front seat of a Tesla and it’s going to revolve around the sun for the next billion years or so.

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That’s pretty amazing and yet next to Krystal finally getting booted off the bachelor, Musk’s Starman looks as mundane as doing your taxes.

Krystal is Salazar Slytherin’s locket necklace and we are disheveled Ron Weasly. Did Arie find the sword of Gryffindor in that hedge maze behind the castle?

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That is not a rhetorical question if you love Harry Potter like I love Harry Potter.

We have to focus on Krystal but we shouldn’t because Kendall shattered the entire construct of reality TV! Since Eric Niese was walking around without a shirt in the first Real World house in 1992, reality TV has worked the same.

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One person is disrespected and then lashes out at the disrespector.

It was all happening before our eyes in the French countryside and then Kendall shone her weird light in the darkness and the darkness comprehended it not. Did I just call Kendall a Christ Archetype? This is getting deep!

But it’s true! Kendall was handed insult and responded with kindness and empathy while we were slack jawed on our couches. Krystal was as she stated, “without words”. She didn’t know what to do with kindness in that setting. Is Kendall a cannibal? Yes, in the right circumstance. But she’s a fine young cannibal.

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And look what happened!!! Kindness was rewarded! Love won out against lies, leaving poor Krystal alone at a table with the best view of the Eifel Tower in the world. I guess lies didn’t have it so bad.

On her way out, Krystal asks a tough question whether or not she deserves love. We all want to say that everybody deserves love, but if Krystal is horrible, manipulative, dishonest and selfish, does she deserve love? Will she be alone? Probably, as long as she is the way she is. And aren’t we all a little horrible, manipulative, dishonest and selfish? We receive love anyway.

A note: Taking too much cold medicine can lead to spirituality bubbling up to the surface.

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What else?

Lauren B gives the classic “I’ve had it hard because my parents have a good marriage of 30 years but sometimes they didn’t get a long so I have trust issues” talk. Arie answers with, “yeah that’s tough I know what you mean because my girlfriend had a miscarriage and broke up with me while I was out of town. When I got home she and her two kids I was prepared to raise like my own were just gone.” Because she’s Lauren B, she responded with silence.

Jaqueline gives us some sassy, flirty walking. Paris fits her like a glove. They have a teary dinner, we learn that she’s really smart, and despite that (as if smarts is a bad thing) Arie gives her a rose.

Jenna and Chelsea go home and Lauren B starts to break down. She wasn’t made for this kind of carnage. None of us are.

Let’s get a little deeper and see how everybody did. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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When will Becca K get the screen time she deserves. Now that all the crazy is gone, she could really shine. It looks like things get pretty steamy in Tuscany, where the pinot is oaky and the makeouts are aggressive. Just wine-stained teeth clanking into wine-stained teeth. This is why you get those things whitened before starting the journey.

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Shorter Bekah won the group date rose and hit the stage for some overacting/bad lip-synching. It drove the other women crazy. They seem to like each other a bunch but maybe it was a Jonny Bravo situation where Bekah just fit the costume they had at the Moulin Rouge.

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Gosh, Bekah M kind has a Greg Brady thing going on. Never thought about that until seeing his pic just now. Congrats to both of them I guess?

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.

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Jacqueline is so Jacqueline it’s amazing. The face of a Jacqueline. The hair of a Jacqueline. This week we saw she even has the walk of a Jacqueline. She’s a living cover girl commercial. Easy breezy beautiful. But Jacquie is smart and Arie’s already admitted that he’s a simpleton. Is he strong enough to go for a woman who could algebra circles around him?

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Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine. 

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I’m rooting for Kendall. She’s weird but the good kind of weird. She’s kind in impossible situations. She’s mature and creative. Kendall is legit! And what a surprise from the woman who walked into the mansion with a stuffed animal. Like, literally a dead animal that was stuffed. No matter what happens at the end, Kendall won this show in her handling of Krystal.

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A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it. 

 

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Arie is DESPERATE for Lauren to say anything. He’s so deep in crush with her that he’s convinced himself she’s great. Maybe there just isn’t a ton there. Maybe she is too closed off for this experience. We see that it’s breaking her. How long can he wait? He’s running out of roses.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Seinne is also smart but she’s hanging on. Arie needs a moment where he’s honest with himself. It sucks to let somebody wonderful go but she’s just not right for him. There I go again sounding like a hairdresser who knows too much. I think the end is near for Seinne and that’s the best possible thing for her. Go marry a physicist and see what you can do about inventing a Cinnabon that burns fat in your stomach.
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Tia is like the band Genesis in 1991. She also can’t dance.

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But like the band Genesis, Tia is pretty great and I’d call her a favorite to win right now. She doesn’t look much like Arie’s mom which he’ll have to get over but she’s dorky in all the right ways and as crazy as this sounds, she isn’t tied to Arkansas.

Let’s leave it at that. I need more cold medicine.

 

Foreverlove to all of you.

g

Week 5 – That’s Glitter

Foreverlove wins is late this week and I understand that by now you’ve probably read multiple bachelor blogs and tweets and talked to your husband, wife, dog, other people’s children, old people waiting to get their hair cut, Bartell Drugs flu shot administers, roller skating rink DJs, sandwich artists, people who cheer for Sweet Caroline at karaoke places like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it, first responders, responders that get there sometime in the middle and don’t get credit even though what they’re doing is noble and maybe they would’ve been there first but they had other things going on and that’s fine, judgmental vegans, someone you thought was listening to you but had a Bluetooth thing in his ear you couldn’t see, the person on your bus who you have to talk to  because you talked to them once and now if you see each other and don’t talk it’s weird but you wish you could just go back to the time when the ride in was chill and simple, and priests in confessional booths.

So I pledge to do my best to put new spins on things.

Let’s get right to it.

Chelsea and Arie hit the high seas making us wonder how long it’s been since we’ve seen the movie Hitch.

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The opposite of jetskis and yachting is bowling so let’s do that. It’ll be a fun and light way for the women to let off some steam and maybe have one irrational temper tantrum. Yes, we could wish for Krystal to get her hand stuck in the bowling ball return and then have her body sucked into the gears and belts under the alley to die a greasy and bloody death but I want the chance to be down in L.A. and having Krystal at the same restaurant making benign toasts within earshot. I would sit there with the same awe and wonder on my face as when my infant son bare-butt farted into my mouth while I was yawning. Don’t tell me God doesn’t exist.

Arie licks a bowling ball like he licks a social media manager’s face. He’s all hands and it’s really really slow. I’m not saying you gotta kiss fast all the time but mix it up, man. My parents weren’t super proud of this blog before I wrote this paragraph.

Yes, Krystal boycotts the after party until she doesn’t because of course. The other women call her on her BS and it’s wonderful. Becca M. has the short hair and the candor and also the age of a high school debate champion.

Tia gets date number two which is a romp through the everglades to an old man’s house for grilled meats. Did he know they were coming and who explained to him what the show is about? He doesn’t strike me as a big fan of ladies reality programming.

Sometimes BBQ isn’t sexy…

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…but the swamp-light suits Tia and Arie is in.

Later at the cocktail party Krystal tries to charm Arie but somehow he hits us with the only cool thing he’s ever said:

K: This is our first fight.

A: And it might be our last.

But it’s no matter. Krystal gets a rose and we have to say goodbye to Ashley, Marnikh, Maquel, I think. It’s been a few days.

Let’s go deeper for a closer look at how things went this week. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory. 

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There she is again, being charming and personable and not getting a group date rose. Now that we’ve trimmed most of the crazy, will Becca rise to the top where she belongs?

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Man, Bekah M is fast on her feet. It’s gotta be an aerodynamic thing with her hair. Watching her baffle Krystal with simple logic is like eating clam chowder on a cold winter’s night. Satisfying. I wrote that knowing I will probably have a salad for dinner. This is cruel. I blame Krystal. Another thing she’s ruined.

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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We hated Chelsea at the beginning of this thing but gosh, what a turnaround. She downplays the yacht, she tells us that she married a jerk who left her with a 6-month old for another woman. I don’t think Chelsea is quirky or dorky enough for Arie but she could come out of this thing looking pretty good. Well done, Chelz.

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Jacqueline is worried about her connection with Arie, that it’s not moving fast enough. We still know nothing about her but I notice that she opens her mouth super wide when she frenches. I mean, it’s a really tiny mouth, but still. I know I’ve said it before but, that hair. Sometimes you meet a woman named Jacqueline and you look at her hair and you think, “meh, you’re not really pulling off the name.” Sometimes you see a woman with hair like hers and you’re disappointed to learn that her name isn’t Jacqueline. But we’ve been given a gift here. A Jacqueline with Jacqueline hair. What a time to be alive.

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At one point she was talking and saying something normal but with one hand she pointed at the camera and with the other, she saluted like an army woman. Jenna is like if you throw a football up in the air and watch it hit the ground. Nobody knows which way that thing is bouncing. Think about that this weekend if you’re bored at a Super Bowl party. When you smirk and somebody asks what you’re smiling about tell them you know a guy who wants to write for TV and ask them if they are Conan Obrien. If they say yes, pass along my info. If they say no, I guess still pass along my info.

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Last week we playfully imagined that Kendall was thinking about stuffing Arie while she was kissing him and that was all fun and good. But this week, she brought a book of questions to Arie and asked him to pick a number between 1-100. He picked 99 and the 99th question in her book, a question she wrote was, “If you were in the jungle with a tribe of cannibals and they offered you human meat would you try some?” What are the odds that’s the only question about eating humans in the book of questions she carries around with her like it’s nothing? I’ve never liked someone so dangerous before in my life.

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I couldn’t sit down and write a better description of someone I wouldn’t want to hang out better than who Krystal is because if I did start describing her in a diary the evil on the pages would come to life and make Ginny Weasley open the Chamber of Secrets and then I’d have to kill the journal with a basilisk fang and I don’t even go to magic school so where am I supposed to get a friggin basilisk fang.

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But that’s the thing about the world, and forgive me for saying it again. Somebody is watching this season and his heart is swelling with love for Krystal. She doesn’t have to be alone and that’s wonderful. Just as long as she and her bedazzled jeans wearing future husband don’t buy the house next door to me.

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She’s goin places. Mark my words. If she can make Arie laugh even once, she’ll win this thing. Lauren B’s don’t come on this show to lose. They come on this show to get engaged, have another, really bad reality show with their finances, and then break up.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon. 

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Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love. 

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Seinne graduated from Yale. Can you “un-graduate”?  If it’s possible, bowling with the Bachelor is probably grounds.
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Tia knows how to work the southern date. She’s pitch perfect riding the hovercraft. Never complains about smelling like gasoline or that there are frog claws on her dinner. She’s a doctor! She’s doctor Tia! If she doesn’t win it’ll be tough not to have her as the next bachelorette. She’s right up there with Beckah K in the made-for-TV category. It’s nice to see people have fun on TV and appreciate what they’ve been given.

Let’s end on a high note. I have to go change my son’s diaper from a comfortable distance and with a closed mouth. As always, apologies for the typos.

Foreverlove,

g

Week 4 – I’m so above and beyond this

hy·pok·ry·stal
həˈpäkrəstal/

noun
a Greek word meaning, the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform while speaking in a voice that makes others want to punch their own ears off.

Synonyms: dissimulation, false virtue, insincerity, falseness, dumb face, put-on raspy voice, eye-rolly toasts.

On a show with parasailing, group hot tubing, bug eating, cradle robbing, and a grandpa’s dying, there is one friggin voice that trumps it all. One voice that says desperate things while at the same time talking about how being desperate is beneath it.

Watching this show right now is like sitting down to enjoy a waffle only the waffle is covered in fart and the fart is insecure and won’t stop using clichés to condescend everyone within ear shot. I don’t want another waffle. I just want the fart to go away.

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We get a one-on-one on the lake and then into a private concert with Lanco,…you know, Lanco? You’re in Tahoe and you’ve already hiked and golfed and maybe gambled. What else is there to do? Lanco, that’s what.

A bunch of women go into the woods for some outdoorsy fun times where we meet two guides with Targarian hair.

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Me thinks they did that to make Arie look younger.

Peeing in bottles! And then drinking it? They pull an apple juice prank and it’s the best! Then it’s bug eating time?? Fantastic! A bunch of game girls and one you just want to leave for the bears.

Questions are asked. Women have to face their fears. We haven’t seen this type of toughness since Sean Astin was left for dead by Kevin Bacon in White Water Summer.

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Krystal describes the scene as “high school”. What high school did Krystal go to? I never found myself in a hot tub with 8 women. If they went on a date in a basement and watched Saved By the Bell the College Years while wishing they were doing something more dangerous on a Friday night, then that would be more “high school”.

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But there is justice in the world. Krystal’s rival gets the group date rose and we all high five.

Arie and Becca M take the second one-on-one and everything is going great until he finds out just how young his date is. It was set up perfectly with quotes from Arie like, “Are you still into going out?” Little does he know Becca’s only been able to go out for a year. Chances are high she still has a fake ID in her clutch! The bomb is dropped and you can see the, “am I going to jail for frenching this chick?” all over Arie’s face. But he keeps her around and we are all uncomfortable.

No time for a cocktail party, let’s get straight to the rose ceremony. Wait, what’s this? Krystal sees an opportunity to annoy everybody? Let’s do it! The women sit down because they know it’s gonna be awhile.

Brittany and Claire go home and we’re a little surprised because Claire had some things going for her. But there are no time for questions because all we want is to go to bed and try to get Krystal’s terrible voice out of our heads.

Let’s move on to the women for a closer look at how things went this week. And remember the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red.

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

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This year’s, “wait who is that in the back row? Oh, and she just got a rose?” Ashley has had no camera time and she’s headed straight for a one-on-one with zero chemistry and Arie looking like he’s got a migraine.

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Slow week for Becca K. but she does manage to be relatable by announcing how sweaty she is at the rose ceremony. It’s perfect “Next Bachelorette” stuff.

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The age thing comes out and there’s no going back. We also learn that Bekah is a mountain climber. Where have we seen this before?

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It all goes back to Cliffhanger. Everything goes back to Cliffhanger. Will Arie be able to connect romantically knowing how young Bekah is? Or will he pull her aside at the next cocktail party, give her “Oh The Places You’ll Go”, kiss her forehead, and send her on her way? I don’t know what the best answer is for Arie I’m just glad I’m not in his shoes.

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

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It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go. 

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I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise. 

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Another unexpected week from someone we all agreed was terrible. Chelsea does a spot on impression of Krystal, she embraces the outdoorsy challenge, she listens to Marikh while Marikh is being redic. Maybe we were wrong about Chelsea. Stay tuned to find out.

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People seem to like Jacqueline. My wife has her going far and gals in the office are also drawn to her. I just see an 80’s soap star. You could tell the funniest joke to Jacqueline and she would respond with the face you’re seeing in her headshot. But what do I know?

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She crazy.

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You can tell by the way the make out that Arie is into Kendall. He abandons his patented “old woman teaching people how to throw a pot on a pottery wheel” technique of face-touch kissing. It’s like he’s overwhelmed by the passion. Kendall is nutty and maybe nerdy. She’s not everybody’s cup of tea but she could be right for Arie…to date for a while and then wake up and realize he’s surrounded by dead animals. You throw dead animals into the mix and the passion turns into terror pretty quickly. It’s like Kendall is studying the shape of Arie’s head and wondering what it would look like on a wall. Eep.

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The fart on a waffle. Krystal straight up sucks. She’s delusional and I wonder if seeing herself suck on TV will change her at all. I get that she hasn’t had good role models to help her not suck but man. You can only reason so much when you’re in a cloud of fart. At some point you just have to acknowledge that it stinks and go to another room. To her credit, Krystal is amazing at being terrible. Not only does she say the stupidest things but she takes forever to say them and that eternity is spent with the worst voice in the show’s 18 year history. I’m just waiting for the day she’s making a benign toast and everybody just leaves the room in the middle of it.

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Lauren won’t eat worms but she’s charming in her denying them. I could see LB in the final four fo sho. I think she’s nerdy enough for Arie and unless something goes down, she could be there at the end.

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

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Legit bummer. I feel really sad for Maquel and hope everything went ok for her family, losing her grandpa. It’s a lame way to get called off the show. Thing is, she’s better for it. 

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Somehow, Marikh gets a rose despite being overly concerned with her hair. That’s all we got from Marikh this week and yet she gets a rose and Caroline doesn’t. What are we missing with Caroline? Is she a white supremacist? Or worse, does she have chronic bad breath?

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To quote Lando Calrissian, Seinee truly belongs here with us among the clouds. Because she’s graceful and went parasailing. It’s better when Billy D. delivers it.

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Yes! Tia calls out Krystal for being horrible and gets rewarded with a group date rose. Another lady who will go as far as Arie will let a brunette. The day a man opens the door and grabs Krystal’s roller bag and the women rejoice will be a great day for all of us. Tia is at the front of that line. She’s goofy and she’s falling for Arie. It’s everything he wants except for his own mother’s face.

And that’s all for this week. Until next time, think about dating someone 14 years younger and how painful it would be when they didn’t get your Saved By the Bell the College Years references.

g

Week 3 – I Just Don’t Think We’re There Yet.

Imagine with me for a minute, about a 13-year-old boy at a carnival. I’d ask you to close your eyes because imagining is better that way but it would be impossible to read at the same time. So unless you’re a person who likes to have this blog read to you, keep your eyes open. Back to the 13-year-old boy. Remember, he’s at a carnival. More than anything, this boy wants to be a grown up. The boy finds a creepy looking wizard in a box, we’ll call him Zoltar, and wishes to be big. The next morning, the boy wakes up and he’s still him, only he’s in the body of a 36-year-old failed racecar driver who sells real estate in Scottsdale because online college was too hard.

This is our bachelor. Arie Josh Baskin Luyendyk Jr.

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He talks like a child. He moves like a child. He even kisses like a child who learned how by watching All My Children with his mom while home sick from school for a week in 7th grade.

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He touches the ladies faces like an instructor works the wheel at a make your own pottery place. And man, does he touch a lot of faces. In fact, he touches all the faces but one. Only on this incredible show can you be the 18th wheel on a date. For a man who walks into every room with his lips puckered and his hands in caressing position to tell you, “I just don’t think we’re there yet”…He got there with Tia from two bales of hay! If you can’t compete with two bales of hay, it might not be a great sign.

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We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Before all of that we went to wine country where the merlot had cherry overtones and an oaky, awkward finish. Put your nose into the glass and it smells like a train wreck.

What’s the opposite of wine? Super mean lady wrestlers who can still ¾ roll with the best of them, even after all these years. We learned pretty quickly that there’s no laughing in wrestling because what could be funny about wrestling?

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Women cry. Women fly off the ropes. And two of the women accidently get super sexual which leads a grandma in the audience giving us a face that says, “This isn’t Hamilton! What did I buy tickets to???”

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Later during drinks, Krystal annoys everybody and the nation enters into a debate. What is worse, the words coming out of Krystal’s mouth, or the sound they make while they’re being formed? The answer is yes. Finally something we can agree on!

What goes well with wrestling? Dogs. Dogs is the answer. Not even Buck Laughlin can save us from what’s happening on stage.

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At one point a cute little girl wanders up to add some charm to the thing but she’s ushered off because this is the least enjoyable day with dogs since Annaliese’s childhood trauma. The dramatic reenactments should win all the awards.

Back at the mansion, desperation strikes hard. Bibianna sets up a romantic area that proceeds to be defiled by pretty much everybody else. One after another, Arie brings his prey to Bibanna’s special place while she sits in another room and tries to make sense of it all.

Meanwhile, poor Annaliese is begging the “kissing bandit” to steal some Frenches but the Kissing Bandit won’t lick.

And that’s how we end things. Two of the ladies who really needed to go home were let off the hook while the rest of us clutched our throw pillows and finished off our chardonnay.

Let’s go a tiny bit deeper below with some quick hitters on the women I think were still on the show this week. And remember the key. Ladies in blue have just been kicked off because they are sad.

 

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Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.

 

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She got almost no time this week but she also didn’t cry about how scary dogs are. At this point, it’s enough.

 

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Bachelorette Alert!!!! The red lights are flashing in my head. She’s effortlessly charming and seems a little too smart for Arie.

 

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She goes bold, telling Arie that she doesn’t need him. Then she doubles down and tells him he goes for single moms because he wants to be needed. It’s the sass that can only come from a really short haircut.

 

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Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.

 

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No date for Brittany this week but she didn’t set up a makeout couch and then get shot down while the man she is dating made out with everybody but her on it. And that’s enough to keep going.

 

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She cried when one of the Laurens left and then couldn’t stand to hear Krystal talk down to the women. Another in the list of women I think might be too good for Arie.

 

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She’s a mom and a dog owner that is bad with kids and dogs. It’s what every boy dreams of finding in a wife.

 

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She looks like she’s in the middle of filming an Herbal Essence commercial. Also, her eyes say, “…sigh, It’s Jacqueline not Jackie”.

 

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You hear about people taking redeye flights and then waking up in donut shops in totally random cities and you think, that could never happen. And then you watch Jenna and you’re like, I need to talk to my teenagers about the dangers of Ambian.

 

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I think there’s a 50/50 shot that Arie thinks Kendall is really good with keeping animals calm because he doesn’t understand what taxidermy is.

 

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I want to put Krystal in a car, drive her out to the woods to come sort of place where there’s a lodge and a high ropes course, sit her down, give her a cup of tea, and tell her to stop it. Just, stop it.

 

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Lauren seems completely normal until you get her in a wrestling ring and put fake money up her skirt but I guess you could say that about any of us. (Full disclosure, it could’ve been Jenna in the ring. It was hard to tell watching through a blanket.)

 

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You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.

 

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Another blonde who looks a little too much like Arie’s mom.

 

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Mirikh got into the ring to give us wrestling and instead gave us a cross between super-soft-core porn, watching a mime delicately folding a fitted sheet, feeding really thin pasta into a pasta maker, holding a newborn baby duckling, and interpretive dance at Christian camp.

 

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She didn’t get a date this week but she also went to Yale. Seinne is smart enough to hang back and let the crazy be taken out.

 

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She melts down at the wrestling match but Arie likes to see it because he can save her and, “gets to be the man”. Sometimes I feel like this show might not be setting a perfect example for the young women watching at home. But then I think no, Chris Harrison is in jeans and a button down, this thing is casual and fine we’re all fine.

Let’s think about that for a week and come back to see what happens when the crew hits the road!

Till then, foreverlove each other.

Week 2 – Bumper Car Trauma

Life is hard.

Sometimes your father walks out on the family leaving you, a child, to buy your own blankets and struggle to keep your younger brother off the streets only to watch him grow up, become homeless, and eventfully be burned in a horrific attack. Or maybe you went on bumper cars once.

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No matter the circumstance, last night had us tangled up in feelings. Even early fan favorite Becca K talked bravely about her late father. When she didn’t cry, Arie asked, “So tell me again about your dead father.” We can’t be sure but I’d bet tiny producers were hiding under the table chopping onions. Anything to get the tears flowing.

You don’t need to have a sad story to melt down. You could just be the embodiment of every Mexican Soap Star villainess. Poor Bibiana. With a name like that you’re growing up to wreck “s”, be it at 2am on Miami boulevard or in a mansion filled with lady interrupters.

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And what do we do with Krystal? Her story is heartbreaking but to hear her tell it with that voice. She needs to “Love Actually” the rest of her season. Can we get Krystal some cardboard signs, a pen, and some music so she never has to talk again? Things turned out pretty well for that guy, right?

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Sienne can drive a car and she went to Yale. Arie barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut. And who’s pursuing who again???  This show is amazing. I guess grabbing a woman’s face every time you super-slowly kiss her goes a long way in life.

A long way maybe, but not all the way to consoling a girl you’ve just dumped. I don’t know who lost in the Arie Jenny post-rose-ceremony break up but I know for a fact that nobody won. The awkward terror. It was like Arie was hugging someone who fell asleep in a climbing harness. No part of Jenny’s arms wanted anything to do with Arie’s back.

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And how have we not talked about there being a demolition derby? And how dare you think that by “demolition derby” I’m referencing Arie’s mom’s plastic surgery face. That’s mean, dear reader. I was talking literally about the part where cars slammed into other cars. I’m sure mama Arie is a lovely woman. Despite her decorating tastes, I’m glad she and Arie’s dad have been married so long. But that’s why we’re all here, right? To believe in a love like that. A foreverlove.

Pictures and girl-by-girl breakdowns next week I swear. Will Annalisa cry again? Book it.

Till then,

I love you.

Week 1 – The biggest race of my life

Wow. Look what happened while we were all googling crash diets and meditation do’s and don’ts. Love. Love happened.

Sidenote: Nutella goes on everything, including the largest spoon in your utility spoon drawer. Happy new year, vegetables. I’m sure we’ll grow to become friends again.

Back to what’s really important. America’s favorite racecar driver is now selling houses! It’s Arie! This time he’s bringing the type of handsome you’d find starring in a Hallmark Christmas movie. I don’t know if Arie is the prince of “Aldovia” but with that thin frame and aggregable face, he could be. A klutzy magazine writer from the big city would be all over him.

His salt and pepper suggests a certain elegance and sophistication that only comes from a man wearing a cardigan and tight denim, holding a racecar helmet for no reason. He’s like if Photoshop had a handsome filter and you applied it to a picture of Ross Gellar.

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Because week one is so crazy and I haven’t had sugar in 3 days, we’ll do this quick and try to hit the high notes as they pop into my head.

  1. Our villain looks a little like Olivia, the wide-open mouthed one from Ben’s season. She says things like “I’m not rude…” and then does something rude. Or, “I’m not a gossip…” as she’s literally gossiping. Also, she’s a mother. Whitney Houston, we need you now more than ever. Come down from on high to tell Chelsea that the children are our future. To teach them well and let them lead the way. To show them all the beauty they possess inside.

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  1. How many Laurens is too many Laurens?
  2. There’s a girl with Keri Strug hair who is so young they aren’t telling us just how young she is. Did her dad room with Arie at Racecar college? This makes me feel weird.

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  1. Lot of fabric chokers. If the 90’s really are in, let’s get the girls on the set of Home Improvement for a group date. Even if it’s just JTT sitting alone on an empty studio lot smoking cigarettes and waiting for someone to pitch screenplays to.

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  1. There’s a weird one that collects taxidermy.
  2. There’s one that sounds just like Raven and, oh what’s that now, she’s Raven’s real-life best friend? Ok. Look out for this one. She doesn’t take herself too seriously and Arie mentioned he’s pretty casual. #tinywiener
  3. One of them showed up in a racecar and had the type of long, fake looking blonde hair that would only fit on someone named something like “Maquel”. Sure enough…meet Maquel. I’m not saying Maquel is the illegitimate child of a man who’s about to get us into world war 3 but I’m not not saying that either. Maquel looks like she’s fought hard to overcome “Trump-face” and that she’s had the hush-money to do it.

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  1. A graphic designer drew a picture of Arie and then gave it to him. What are you supposed to do with a drawing of yourself? Especially if it’s you looking sexy and cool? What does it say about you if that’s sitting on an end table in your condo? I’m just saying, if you can draw, don’t draw the person you’re giving a drawing to.

Let’s leave it at that. Next week we’ll have pictures and really dig into this thing.

Foreverlove,

g

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finale! I’m living’ my best life.

I feel like a fake eyelash right now, cried off and left to gather dust on some old-timey Spanish BNB’s oaken floor.

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The last time I was this confused and emotionally spent was a night back in November, when friends gathered and spent 3 hours looking at each other, speechless. The question, “WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!” just sitting there on our faces while 7-layer dip went unpenetrated.

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Last night delivered every emotion I knew I had and some I didn’t. Every 15 minutes my rooting interests changed. It was the least interesting finale ever. It was the most interesting finale ever.

Am I alone in wanting to walk into the ocean and just bob up and down for a while? I feel like that might provide a fun texture to my levis 513s but that’s for another blog.

Here’s what we know. We ended up with Bryan cheesing his way to a victory despite Rachel practically begging Peter to propose to her THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOT ENGAGED TO ANOTHER GUY!!!!

This season had a lot of crazy along the way but it was really only about one thing. One man pursued while another was pursued.

It came down to the wire, with Peter doing everything short of saying to Rachel, “Can I walk you out?” after the strangest breakup/non-breakup EVER. Rachel could’ve let herself be escorted into a waiting SUV and talked to camera about how she thought Peter was the one before realizing, “Wait, I’m the Bachelorette! He’s the one who’s supposed to be in this SUV, crying over chardonnay. Stop the van, I gotta live my best life.”

When they brought Peter out, didn’t we all expect them to announce that they were actually engaged??? But that didn’t happen. Instead, they watched the horror of whatever that was in Spain, while Bryan sat backstage ALSO WATCHING IT while plotting out his calculated lip-licking and stupid re-proposal!!! This show is going to break me. But that’s why we’re all here, to work out the insanity together. Press on, press on.

Bryan isn’t evil. He’s just the kind of cringe-worthy that rolls the “r” in “Rioja”. Red flags and red henleys all over that wine country. He thinks he’s got this in the bag. The D-bag.

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His suit jacket at the rose ceremony looked like something someone with poor judgment would buy at the MGM Grand after an inexplicable 3-hour run at the craps table.

By the time he took a short day hike up to the Proposal Villa, we had nothing left. The live studio audience wasn’t clapping. We were witnessing a woman compromising while chasing a ring. Even the wind tried to stop the shenanigans.

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But mother nature is nothing compared to the power of a Neil Lane diamond. Surely now, there will be a wedding planned wait what’s that? Nothing in the near future because it would be silly to rush into something so large as marriage? It was at that moment we realized that yes, Rachel was in it for the ring. Will she be happy now that she is a fiancé? I don’t think any of us will ever be happy about anything ever again. I really need to go bob in the ocean.

Let’s take a final look at the last night’s main players and how they came out of this thing.

 

  1. Eric

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  • So many were rooting for him.
  • He handled his departure with grace.
  • Twitter liked his beard. Ladies be horny for it.

 

  1. Peter

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  • Maybe the first “real” person on this show, ever.
  • He has Resting Brooding Face. Every time he’s not talking the guy looks like something out of a Lamonts Catalogue.
  • Twitter wanted Peter to win and when he didn’t, Twitter erupted.
  • Women will flock to Wisconsin to throw themselves at Peter. He wins the show.

 

  1. Bryan

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  • Because how can you say no to this?
  • He is the human embodiment of a consolation prize.
  • One of the cheesiest people in this show’s history.
  • When asked where they would live, Bryan threw out Los Angeles as an option. He doesn’t realize that his thirst for fame is also super painful.
  • Bryan should not google his own name for like, months.

 

  1. Rachel

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  • Rachel had a Ronald Miller type run on this show. Her star burned brightly for weeks and then, it all came crashing down at once.
  • When someone you think is smart does something you think is stupid it makes you want to bob up and down in the ocean.
  • I’m ok if she fades into the ether just so I don’t have to see Bryan anymore. I mean, if you do one thing today, go and experience his Instagram account. https://www.instagram.com/p/BXhT9_pH5cU/?hl=en&taken-by=thebryanabasolo

 

  1. Chris Harrison

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  • He’s done it again. Made us look deep within ourselves, daring us not to watch anymore knowing we are powerless to resist him.

I’ll leave you with two things to think about and a quote that sums up my feelings.

  1. Juan Pablo is married. These are the times we are living in.
  2. Bryan has more than one black leather jacket.

“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

– Eleonore Roosevelt

Foreverlove our time away and we’ll meet again once The Bachelor is back. I will miss our time together. If you need me, I’ll be in the ocean with these losers.

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Our little hang-in-there kitty finally fell to his death. He was overly optimistic on the fall and when he splat against the pavement he used his dying breath to tell us what a big mistake Rachel made. Did we totally miss out on their story or was it in all in Adam’s head? I’m really mildly curious to get his take at the Men Tell All. There wasn’t anything hateable about the guy. It’s just that there wasn’t any anything about him. Probably didn’t help that he wore a tee shirt under a sport coat to his final dinner. And I’m not talking about a cool, ironic tee shirt that Luke Wilson would’ve worn in the mid 2000’s. I’m talking about the kind of tee shirt your least fashionable male friend would train in for a marathon. I feel like if Adam spilled wine down the front of it, the liquid would wick away like rain on the hood of a car. You just can’t make that kind of mistake this late in the game. I mean of course, he had no chance from the jump but we need to talk about him here because that’s what we do. Adam, we wish you well. Keep that chin up, friend and maybe look into a cotton-polly blend.

 

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Back to the breadline.

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Shock and awe. Anthony gets five sentences. He was so nice and that forehead! Like unwrapping a Rolo. You’ll be missed T-Bone.

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Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the biggest winner of this season’s show. Blake E has played us all, Verbal Kent style.

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Somewhere in a production van sitting next to the mansion, a fax came through last night with a police sketch of Blake E’s face. How else could you explain the chemistry he had with Waboom on their heated exit? Waboom was the actor but it was Blake who gave the greatest performance. His comedy got too good too fast. There was too much nuance in his fart gesture/fart noise. When he walked like an ape and mimicked Waboom he did so with the movement of a dancer. Blake E has done Shakespeare in the park. This guy is classically trained and when it came to his grand exit he couldn’t hide it. Am I saying what you think I’m saying? Yes. Blake E. and Waboom got together before the show and concocted a storyline to get more airtime. It was a long con and we all bit, hard. What better character to play than a personal trainer with a mediocre body? When confronted about licking a banana over Waboom’s bed while he slept, Blake’s improv of eating a Ketogenic diet was too good. “I don’t eat carbs, so….” It was too douchey. And looking back, it was beautiful. Blake is like Clark Kent only instead of glasses, his disguise is a terrible haircut and a Color Me Bad beard. Sure, he could be just that bad but I choose to look at the world as a place where miracles happen every day. You got us, Blake…if that is your real name.

 

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Flawless hair is not enough. Those of us without it breathe a sigh of relief as Brady goes home. If they end up doing Bachelor’s in Paradise again I could see Brady doing well down there. He just didn’t get a shot to stand out in a crowd of dudes like Waboom and Josiah. It’s hard to be a laid-back surfer type on this show. I assume Brady surfs because his hair looks like a golden wave.

 

 

 

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Bryce, your face defies physics and for that we thank you. You’ve reminded us to reach for new things. Can we colonize mars? Could we go even farther? Your mouth and jawline say yes, go, discover. Anything is possible. You, Bryce are the apple that fell on Issac Newton’s head.

 

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Oh Dean. He’s forced to have the pain and disfunction of his entire life played out on national TV and the poor guy can’t even sit down in a chair. While horizontal in his father’s living room pillow fort, Dean tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her. She says, “I’m falling in love with you too.” Then she dumps him. Dean and his father may not have much to say to each other but both have been taken advantage of by this show. The difference is that Dean can take his solid hairline and really white teeth back out to the dating world and do great things. Some wonderful woman is going to fall in love with him and he’ll go on to have a great life. It’s gonna be like a ray lamontagne song. “I’ve been saaaaaaved by a womaaaaaaan.” Ironic that Ray looks like a young Dean’s Dad.

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Guy just can’t catch a break. Goodbye, Dean.

 

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Nope. You can’t show up and say nothing. This season has had a lot of decent looking guys who think they can get away with super strange game. I feel sorry for you single ladies out there who have to put up with this stuff. Step into the mansion and you’re just another good looking guy. If you suck, you’re going home, especially with a smart gal like Rachel. The saddest part about all of this is that I don’t think Demario had anywhere else to go. Here’s hoping he was lying about mailing Lexi’s keys back to her. My guess is that Bachelorette viewing parties everywhere had some spirited wine-glass clinking when Rachel denied this guy. Probably a lot of women waking up this morning googling how to get merlot stains out of microfiber.

 

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Diggy gets boned. We never knew you. I hope you didn’t have to quit a job to land this gig. I hope you didn’t invite friends to watch episodes with you. I guess, at least you aren’t Demario?

 

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We are all Fred and Fred is all of us. Every move he made last night reminded me of the worst shames of my life as a boy and as a young man. Fred was trying to break the perception of being that little boy but he just dug himself deeper. Asking Rachel if he could kiss her, what’s more boyish than that? It was like getting all of the awkwardness of The Wonder Years and Freaks and Geeks in 3 minutes of oh no please make it stop. If you’ve ever been emasculated you know what Fred’s gotta be thinking as he’s riding off in that SUV. My bet is that he went back to his hotel, bought a six pack of beer and brought it down to the gym, maybe banged out a few sets on the bench, talked to himself a bunch, and yelled into his pillow before trying to sleep it off. Fred was doomed from the start but I hope he finds love, far away from this or any other reality show.

 

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Iggy is like mediocre soup. It’s pretty one-note right from the start. With every spoonful, you wish you were eating something with more bite. And by the time you’re finished you’ve already forgotten it was there to begin with. If soup could complain it would be Iggy. He did manage to tell us that he’s learned more about himself in the past 4 months than he has in his entire life. I feel like that’s a pretty good picture into what his life is like.

 

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Oh man. That was the cringe-worthiest eleven minutes of the season so far. Jack Stone is a nice guy with a super creepy unintentional look. He oversteps, talking about how he would totally get Rachel’s dad. She’s trying to break up with him and he doesn’t see it at all. He’s picking out china in his head. He’s telling Rachel how funny he is without doing anything or saying anything remotely funny. And here’s the thing, Jack Stone is soft as mush. Is Stone a stage name? Are we really looking at Jack Stonebromowitz? So many questions. With every word that came out of Jack’s mouth we were reminded of every second we spent trying to woo someone who was looking past us at somebody dreamier, and more dangerous. Jack needs a nice girl who finds his non-jokes, hilarious. Somebody who when asked, “what’s your type?” responds with, “Joel Osteen.”

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Hats off to Bachelor super-fan Will Raunig for that Osteen comparison.

 

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Jamey has a quiet exit with all the focus going to Waboom and Blake. It was inevitable. We hope you enjoyed yourself and we wish you luck in the future. I picture Jamey quietly throwing his hands up in the air while he and his friends watched last night’s episode together. And then everybody kind of just left. “Why did I make so much guacamole? I knew what was coming tonight?” thought Jamey before he tossed it into a bag and took a lonely walk out to the garbage can. Nobody knows what to say to Jamey at the office today. I feel sorry for everybody.

 

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The good doctor goes out on a high note, tickling Rachel to everybody’s delight. Is Jonathan a, “you just gotta love that guy” guy? Like a, “he’s fun at parties but I don’t want to date him” guy? That would make sense as he’s either a robot or an alien, impersonating a real human. You can’t fault him for wanting to be a real boy. He’s not the only one who’s tried.

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We should’ve been calling him “Jonathan 5” all along. Godspeed, J-5. Don’t murder anyone, by accident or on purpose.

 

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A painfully unaware exit but one that was perfect for the man who referred to himself in the 9th Person (that’s saying your first, middle, and last names in the third person). Even money he talks way too much at the Men Tell All about how awesome he is at being humble. Josiah was the physical embodiment of David Brent getting his picture taken.

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Fathers gonna fath.

 

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I hope you froze to death in that cold norwegian glen but we all know that’s impossible.

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“Waboom out.” I’m gonna miss him. He never had a chance but the guy was fun and he had this weird thing where he slowed his language down to an impressive level when talking with Rachel. You could almost feel him reminding himself to count beats between syllables. But it didn’t work. Waboom will enjoy the talk show circuit and I look forward to any chance we’ll see him walking down those steps in Paradise. If not, keep your eye out for those straight to On Demand movies coming up next spring.

 

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Gosh dang if Matt didn’t go out well. Turns out he’s a super nice, down-to-earth guy, and the one person Rachel saw herself in the most. Matt’s gonna do just fine in the real world. He’s gonna give up on the bangs, and he’s gonna find himself a good woman. Good luck in love big guy.

 

 

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I’ve updated my chart. See below.

Old

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New

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