Ross, we salute you. You are our biggest tool. Also, welcome to overnights and congrats on igniting the hearts and minds, and from the looks of social media—the pants of America.
Some people, me included, think you are a cheesy, narcissistic douchebag who’s at the very least emotionally abusive. Apparently many others think you are sex in a beige suit. You’ve made us question who is better? A skinny, dorky, failed racecar driver who’s professed his love to multiple girls, or a meathead try-hard who I’m sure posts nonsensical inspirational quotes on his Instagram feed in between shots of the country club or the football sideline.
We struggle with Arie because he’s harmless. We struggle with Ross because he’s harmful. I struggle with all the tampon and make up commercials because it suggests that maybe I’m caught up in a show that’s targeted pretty intensely at women. I don’t know, maybe I’m born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Ross’s brain took him as far as,…
…but it stopped before he could consider, “If I really love Becca I’ll want her to be happy and a trip to Peru might be more about me than about her. I think I will give her the freedom she clearly wants and if it doesn’t work out I will go after her in a way that she’ll appreciate. Or maybe, and this is crazy, I’ll realize how many other fish there are in the douchey sea I swim in. Are you done with the lat pulldown machine? Mind if I mix in some sets?”
I’ll try to move on from Ross, secure in the knowledge that I don’t have to put up with him at a game night or watch him give a best man speech at a wedding. Final thought: Could we potentially see a pair of shoes walking down the sandy stairs in Paradise and be shocked when the camera pans up and it’s Ross? How would he do in Paradise? Chris Harrison has been asking himself that question for months.
This week was interesting. Three successful day dates and three seemingly successful overnights. How many women did Arie bed? This whole thing feels like it’s on a crash course to disaster.
First up was Kendall and some fun in the dunes. Kendall is the best. She’d make for a super interesting bachelorette. Very likeable. She’s like Nuprin. Little, yellow, different.
The L word wasn’t dropped because Kendall is a healthy, human being. That didn’t stop them from hitting the fantasy suite and her waking up without eye makeup.
Next up is Lauren. Sometimes people who don’t talk much have expressive faces so you can get something from them. Lauren is not one of these people. She’s basically Data with longer hair.
But Arie seems to be deeply in love with her and the feeling is mutual. Arie can barely get through reading the fantasy suite invitation before Lauren is up and walking him to the fantasy suite with the show’s creator’s wife singing a cover of a country song that isn’t new but also isn’t old enough to be nostalgic. The camera pans to a candle and fades to black which is 80’s music video code for, “they’re gonna do sex. All four bases.”
Lauren wakes up without eye make up and she’s ready to be mrs Arie’s last name.
Finally we get Becca. Charming from start to finish. As Arie puts it, “she’s perfect”. The only flaw in her game is that she talks about her ex-boyfriend directly to camera, a lot, and in a way that feels like foreshadowing. But what could go wrong? This date is the best. Boats, confidence, I love you’s, and a fantasy tent that offers everything except a place to poop. If you’re going on this show you better not need much to fall asleep. No humidifiers, sound machines, fans, sleeping medication, place to store your mouth guard.
Arie mentions that he could end the show right then and there and marry Becca. Just when we think a Bachelor or Bachelorette will pick the best option, EverythingThat’sWrongWithAmerica shows up with flowers.
It’s not enough for Arie to change his mind and he takes Kendall aside to let her down easy. Of course she handles it with grace and class. A single tear, a pretty tear falls from her eye while she’s being complimentary of Arie and hopeful for her future. It’s one of the better goodbyes this show has ever seen.
So where are we? We’ve got a man in love with two women and the promise of tears in a hotel room. We also see Arie walking with an umbrella in the rain signifying he’s sad.
While we wait with bated breath, let’s take a super quick look at the ladies with a sentence or two, remembering the key. Ladies who have just been booted are in blue because they’re sad. Ladies who left a while ago are in red because they angry, yo.
Ouch. Annaliese leaves the mansion giving us two of the most memorable weeks in the show’s history. Hats off for at least trying, but hats gently off. I think Annaliese could be traumatized by aggressive hat-taking-off.
I hope bowling in Florida was worth quitting your job. I also hope you have a wonderful life and find love. Thanks for all the memory.
She’ll either win, be the next bachelorette, or go about her life as a corespondent on E or Bravo. But no matter what happens, she’ll never have to date Ross again.
She was plucky. She was witty. Some people loved her. Some were tired of her shtick. All of us are glad she’s home safe after landing on the side of a milk carton as a missing person. You’ve got a lot of life to live, Bekah. Good luck.
Ask any former lady wrestler and they’ll tell you, Bibiana’s mom can’t spell. Poor girl was made for the first two weeks of a reality dating show but not for anything more. She leaves us, broken. Watch for her to talk way too much at the Women Tell All.
It was obvious. She had no screen time. We weren’t even sure we had the right Brittany. But she was pretty wonderful when signing off, telling us that she’s hopeful for the future and doing it through tears. One of the better walkouts in the show’s history. Hat’s off, Brittany. Oh, the places you’ll go.
I’m a little shocked. She seemed charming. The other sane women liked her a lot. Did Arie see her as a sister? Was it just not there? Caroline was a voice for the people. Usually the narrator cast member has no shot at winning but Caroline was different. This show just keeps us guessing. I think we’ll see more of Caroline. Maybe, in Paradise.
Chelsea leaves the week after showing us how great she is. She’ll be right as rain after this thing. I’m thinking the town widower who coaches youth soccer and has the body of a guy who coaches youth soccer, is already pursing Chelsea. Maybe they’ll meet at a quaint dinner and their kids will all get along. Chelsea’s gonna be fine. She just wasn’t cooky enough for our boy Arie. Chelsea is a serious person. Serious about youth soccer coaches I hope.
Jacqueline is smart enough to know she shouldn’t be with Arie. That’s just part of being a Jacqueline. She also can’t keep her hands off his body and her lips off his face. That’s also part of being a Jacqueline. Let’s just agree that they should retire the name Jacqueline like sports teams do with jerseys. How is anybody going to out Jacqueline this Jacqueline? It will never happen. So she pries herself off of Arie long enough to walk out the door and into a waiting van. You were too good for us, Jacqueline. We will miss you dearly and look forward to whatever it is you’ll do with that PHD.
Jenna goes out with a lovely experience at Moulin Rouge. I’m glad she was happy. But it was time for her to leave. At one point during Jacqueline’s date, she says, “Arie I just didn’t know what to think because I’m the last to get a one-on-one.” Jacqueline forgot about Jenna and as we just went over, Jacqueline is smart. Everyone in the house knew Jenna didn’t have a chance. But it’s a big world and Jenna is a big ball of energy. She’ll be fine.
We haven’t seen grace like this from a potential cannibal since Queequeg offered his bed to Ishmael in the opening chapters of Mobe’s Dick. Kendall is awesome and I hope she finds a decent guy who likes her for more than her need to collect dead animals on day hikes.
A Top 5 worst all-timer. We’ve had women who say mean things. We’ve had women who say normal things in stupid voices. Krystal was the perfect storm of the stupidest toasts and the meanest cuts, mixed with a voice that makes people want to turn the channel and wash their TVs with a hose and a bucket of dawn. She was good TV but rode right on the edge, like a really powerful cheese. This tastes good but it’s like one factor away from basically eating garbage. Usually I say nice things about the women who get voted off but I really think Krystal needs to do some work. In her current state she’s harmful to others and herself. At least that’s one man’s opinion from hundreds of miles and a really bad edit away. I can’t wait to hear what she’ll say at the women tell all, and how she’ll sound saying it.
Still has to be the favorite. Not of ours, by a long shot, but of Arie’s. And that’s all that matters.
You know things aren’t going well for you when a Bachelor actually eats the food. But Lauren gives us both the meltdown and the realization that she’s melting down. It’s actually refreshing to see a woman with enough self-awareness to know that she’s going down in flames. I could see Lauren S coming back for Bachelors in Paradise or just living nicely in the real world, far away from wine country.
Your grandpa died and you left. Then you flew to florida, used a telescope poorly, and got dumped, all in the same week. Gosh, that is harsh. I hope the rest of your life is smooth sailing. You’ve earned it, Maquel. I’m sorry Arie did this to you and I’m sorry for thinking your name was Marquel this whole time. I won’t be surprised to see you in Paradise trying to pull Jared away from Ashly I someday soon.
Are we really surprised? Marikh wasn’t crazy, she just wasn’t dynamic enough to shine. That’s the toughest part about surviving in the Hunger Games of Love. You can’t fake a panic attack, but you can’t be boring. If only there was a middle ground between the two. Good luck in life, Marikh. Good luck in love.
Like Jacqueline, Seinne was bound to leave the show before the end. You can’t go to Yale and date a guy like Arie. The world just isn’t ready for that yet. Maybe after we figure out racism we can tackle Ivy leaguers marrying simpletons. Start working on your protest signs now. That march is going to be fun!
It’s really sad that Tia had to go. She’s awesome and she handled the break up with about as much grace as possible. If Becca is winning the town pageant and towing cute kids in a wagon through a pumpkin patch, Tia is at the town bar laughing loudly and making every single man fall in love with her. She’s sassy and sweet and smart and grounded. Tia wins this year’s, “I wish she’d move to a bigger city so she had a larger pool of dudes to meet” award. I’ve never been to Little Rock but if Tia’s dating bad guys, I blame Arkansas. And it doesn’t even need to be a bigger city. Tia, move to Waco and marry that single guy from that episode of Fixer Upper. You two could rule that town. You’re America’s Sweetheart and we’re all rooting for you.
One more week. It’s been a great season. Keep forever loving each other.