Welcome to 2016. It’s a tough time out there. The country is being torn apart by politicians and some white guys with guns taking down a wildlife refuge. What did the animals ever do?? I think the only blameless American is J.J. Abrams. If Star Wars wasn’t any good I think we would’ve started eating each other by now.

So what better time to believe in something, and not just any something, but love? And not just any love, but foreverlove? And not just any foreverlove but a foreverlove centered around a software salesman that likes to visit his old elementary school a lot, even though his family doesn’t live in that small town in Indiana anymore?

Let’s take off these robes and step into a warm bath of Ben. Let’s wash ourselves in chardonnay, eyelash extensions, and tears. Let’s remember that I am just one straight man on a journey to understand a woman’s television program and that I will say things that might offend you but that I’m a good guy at heart and don’t mean anything by it. Apologies ahead of time if you have a belly button ring, if you have or are planning to have a daughter named Jubiliee. Or if you love to shop at Something Silver in the mall.

It’s time to take a super high level look at what happened last night. We’ll have pics next week. I love you.

QUICK HITS:

• First man tears at about the 8 minute mark. How does some Indiana farmer feel about a grown man crying in his rented barn?
• Hats off to producers for putting Ben in every girl’s senior pictures settings. Tall grass? Check. Leaning up against a tree? Thank you.
• Next we got men sitting around talking about kissing.
• Jason Meznick looks like a mix between Rachel Maddow and your friend’s boring husband that kind of ruins company parties for you.
• Something’s off with Chris Harrison. Like he either fell into the wrong shade of Just for Men or the shower pressure at his hotel was really weak. Chris needs to spend some time getting salty. Go work up in a fishery in Alaska for a summer. He’s starting to be absorbed by the mansion.
• There are two gals from the Seattle area? Seattle owns this show! They’re sure to go far oh wait they didn’t get roses.
• None of us have to be friends with those twins in real life.
• There’s a single mom with a little girl voice. Her infant daughter is at the beach in a two piece. Just something to take note of.
• There’s a woman whose dad died of ALS and the sad thing is she pronounces “important”, “imporint”.

LIMO GIMMICKS

Lauren B

First out of the limo. She’s the ditzy flight attendant. Plays it safe with some wings and a bad flying pun. But he thinks she’s cute so she could go far.

Caila

She broke up with her boyfriend because she wanted to meet Ben on the Bachelor. That’s stockerish and weird. She jumped into Ben’s arms and forced him to carry her. She’s also a terrible painter. Odds are she’ll talk about princesses at least once in the next 4 weeks.

Jennifer

She’s normal. She’s cute. She believes in having high moral fiber and the power of sexual attraction.

Jami

Her gimmik is that she’s a black Canadian. Sorry, that should’ve been the black Canadian.

Samantha

She’s a lawyer???? The girl who said “imporint” and just said, that she isn’t nervous because she’s, “confinent”? Is she a Legally Blonde kind of lawyer? Is that even a real thing?

Jubilee

Bad pick up line. Worse b00b tattoo. Please God don’t let them give her the princess date. It would be so condesending and racist. I mean, we know you’re going to be both but please don’t do that.

Amanda

She’s got a little girl voice but she’s cute and played it straight. No need for gimmicks just say as few words as possible. She could go far.

Lace

She opened her mouth and I said out loud, “she’s the mean one”. Yep, I’m claiming credit for calling it that early. You can’t talk without separating your teeth and be anything but the worst! She kissed Bend straight away. Super close-mouthed. it’s just her thing. Lace is like Donald Trump. She isn’t funny and shouldn’t be on TV.

Some gal that didn’t say her name

She didn’t say her name. Bad for Ben. Super bad if you’re trying to take quick notes while watching the show.

Sushanna

Russian? Portuguese? Are we totally sure she can speak english at all? Turns out it doesn’t matter because somehow she got through.

Leah

She brought Ben a football and oh isn’t that cute and oh my gosh she’s bending over and snapping it to Ben that escalated quickly. Was she trying to prove she’s just one of the guys? Maybe in a CallMeCaitlyn kind of way? We can’t be sure.

JoJo

Unicorn head. I feel like the inside of that thing didn’t smell all that awesome. She seems really Dallas. I don’t know if that’s good or bad at this point.

Lauren H. 

Cute the cute music. She’s normal! She’s pretty. You can tell he’s into her and then oooooh, the voice. It’s like a cross between thick midwestern and the worst of 80’s valley girl. I’m torn.

Laura

Cute. Normal. Oh no she referred to herself as Red Velvet. She must’ve had one or two mean people in her life tease her about having red hair. People are the worst.

Mandi

She’s weird. If she wasn’t a dentist I’d say she was the type of person that forgets to brush her teeth. I’d say it’s even money that she doesn’t believe in deodorant. She also wore a giant flower on her head.

Haley and Emily

Not only are they terrible, but they’re also young so they don’t realize how much they suck. It’s a double dose of a double dose of awful. What happened to twins? They were so great in the double mint commercials? So fun and carefree! All hats and smiles. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bmFXQEkpcA

Meagan

Never bring a shetland pony to a gun fight. Poor Meagan was overmatched from the start. I blame the producers for this one.

Breanne

Cute. From Seattle. So she hates bread, is that really all that bad? Apparently it is.

Izzy

She wore a onesie because it fit into a pun I can’t remember. At least she was comfortable for her limo ride back to the airport.

Rachael

She rode in on a hoverboard. I can’t remember her face or if she got a rose. The night is getting long at this point.

Jessica

Again with the nice music. Jessica has a real shot in this thing. She got a good hug and she seems genuine. I feel like her eyes are kind of far apart but they’re nice eyes so it all cancels out? I think she got a rose.

Tiara

Really tough name. But she’s totally normal and cute. And she’s from Seattle! Sure she loves chickens but that shouldn’t matter all that much. Not in these times. Sadly, she goes home.

Lauren LB

Gosh, it’s the year of the Laurens. She’s totally normal.

Olivia

Last one out of the limo which usually means something. She’s got the look and she’s a news anchor which means if she doesn’t win the first impression rose then there’s something wrong with the news in America and I don’t want to believe that. I can’t believe that.

 REST OF THE NIGHT

• Ben’s parents call him because it needs to be hammered home that this guy is adorable and totally lovable.
• There’s a staged dentist thing that doesn’t fly because it was a bad idea.
• Whoa!!!! Becca and Amber come storming in. We all feel bad for Amber because none of us really remembers who she is but she’s someone. It’s like how Halloween in the office sucks because it’s just a bunch of people looking at each other expecting them to understand their costumes only we never know who they are so we just smile and nod and laugh a little and then fake like we have to go to the bathroom but then going into the bathroom always makes us kind of have to go anyway so we’re glad we’re in there and it gives us a chance to catch up on what Pinterest has to say about renovating the kitchen.
• Lace is so bad that I almost kind of want to just boycott her whole thing. I’d be happy if they just wrote her off the show without explanation, like the youngest daughter on Family Matters. Look it up. She was there and then she just never existed.
• Olivia get the first impression rose. She sacrificed so much to be here, leaving a career in TV for a job…on TV…that will probably lead to a bigger job…on TV…
• Girls cry at the rose ceremony.
• Lace gives him crap for not looking at her despite getting a rose. Here’s Lacy in a super 90’s bit that sadly doesn’t really hold up all that well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cHVfynwev4

Judging from the This Season On it looks like we’ll get everything we want out of this thing. Tears, faked panic attacks, Ben being overwhelmed, the Tropics, Ethnicity, Declarations, and maybe even some violence. We’re in this thing together. And we can do it.

 

Happy Monday.