The Finale! – I’ll miss you. I know.

Kids are cute. Kids are also kind of scared. It’s not their fault, really. The world is pretty big when you can’t see over the counter at Godfathers Pizza (good Lord I miss that place). When kids get scared they cling to things, like a blankie.

I believe this, right here, is the story of this season.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 8.51.21 AM.png

From the second rose ceremony on, Nick was terrified because he knew that he was falling in love with a French Canadian who cries a lot, confuses confrontation with honesty, and whose family looked like caged animals at the world’s saddest zoo while they sat there in the studio audience last night.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.22.50 PM.png

So Nick did what kids do, he grabbed a sweet, southern blankie who he could hold onto for courage. Only unlike a child, Nick laid his blankie down in a swamp and made out with it. He slept with that blankie and then that blankie skipped all over some strange Finnish village. The Brian Boitano within was released on the ice and he danced, ohhhhh how he danced, in close proximity to that blankie and then he laid that blankie down on the frozen pond and kissed it awkwardly.

Finally, when he could no longer hold onto the blankie because the rules of reality TV don’t allow it, Nick tossed that blankie aside and ran headlong into a life filled with pure…what’s the opposite of joy?Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.24.00 PM.pngah, yes, that’s it.

And how was Nick’s goodbye with Raven? Awesome.

Nick:       I’ll miss you.

Raven:

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Raven will be ok if she survives the carbonite freezing. A Mexican beach should help thaw her out. Look out Paradise! Who do we see Raven falling for on B’s in P’s? Maybe Luke from JoJo’s season. I could see that being a thing.

So, what do we do now? It’s been a long season. For those who stuck it out, give yourselves a pat on the back. For those who read this blog without watching the show, give yourselves a foreverhug. My basement is no closer to being finished from the proceeds of this thing which are zero but I will continue to write. It helps to have an outlet and it’s nice to know there’s somebody on the other side. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here and I look forward to seeing you all back for the Bachelorette.

I’m going to do two things.

  1. Go on a nice long walk.
  2. Shop for a hat that makes me look like a hummel figurine.Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 1.55.40 PM.png

To make it all official, let’s look at how the final two ladies ended. And remember —ladies just voted off are blue because they are sad 😦 and ladies that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. Oh, and new this week, ladies who are the next bachelorette are purple!

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RIP Shark. You’ve gotta think there are some guys back in Jersey who will be into the fact that you were on TV. Although i’m not sure if any of them will admit to watching the show. Your future is…bright?

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What did Astrid ever do? Was she not as loud as Nick likes? Were there not enough sports bra themed group dates? With so much fat left to trim I’m surprised it was Astrid literally left out in the cold. I feel like I’m saying this a lot this season but Astrid is another woman I think we’ll see to great things in paradise. We are all confused along with you, Astrid. Keep grinding and we’ll see you on the beach this spring.

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Poor Brittany. My hunch is that Nick wanted to neck with her but couldn’t because she doesn’t have one. It’s hard to watch the disabled getting the shaft again. “I hope nothing but the best for you.” – Adelle/James Corden 

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Christen looks like two of my gal pals combined. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get her through to Wisconsin. Christen is every best friend in every early 2000’s rom com. She works at the boutique design firm owned by Rashida Jones. She’s the junior producer on Katherine Heigel’s talk show. I could see Christen falling in and out of love in paradise. I hope whatever she does, it ends in happiness. Go get em, Friendzone. 

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This is how it ends. With Corinne slumped in the back of a limo telling us she’s done. Done trying to kiss up to men. Done telling them what she thinks they want to hear. Chris Harrison has no problem telling us that The Bachelor is a super important, super valuable piece of our culture. Maybe with Corinne, he’s actually right. If just one south Floridian can stop trying so hard to have sex with a man who’s dating 30 other women, then this show is worth it. What’s next for Corinne? I’m guessing feta. Feta and a whole lot of reassurance from Raquel. In a time when up is down and the country can’t figure itself out, it’s nice to see the worst option not being the one we’re stuck with. Good luck, Corinne. I hope you find what you’re looking for. “Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.”

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Miss you everyday, Whitney. 

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Say whaaaaaaa? I’m guessing people around the world are shocked right now. Danielle went from the driver’s seat to the curb in like a day. Is Nick trapped inside his own head or could something more sinister be manipulating his actions?

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And wow how awkward was that private dinner? As Danielle was laying out their shared future, Nick was sitting there looking like somebody off camera was telling him his puppy died. Danielle is the opposite of Ace of Base. She did not see the sign. At all. Was Chris Harrison sitting in an SUV waiting for Danielle with a plane ticket to paradise? This gal is gonna straight up clean house on B’s in P’s this summer. And when that doesn’t work out, she’ll be just fine back home in L.A. You go girl. Sorry you didn’t see this coming. 

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Finally, the hammer falls. 

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That was for all the readers who also love campy Swedish metal. Danielle seems like a woman who’s ok sitting in silence. Silence scares Nick because he’s left alone with his thoughts, which are terrible because he’s a douchebag. Danielle never really had the spunk that Nick wants. The complications. The drama. All she would offer is stability, unconditional love, a good heart, and a great head of hair. But here’s the thing: sometimes perfect on paper isn’t perfect in real life. And maybe that’s why Nick is crying so much, because he sees what’s happening to his future. Maybe he wants a great life and he’s sad because a great life doesn’t want him back. We should not feel sad for Danielle. She dodged the bullet. In fact she came out of this thing perfectly. America loves her and she can have a real life. Hats off, Danielle. Hats always off with hair like yours. 

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Just wasn’t meant to be. When you reach desperation, it’s not good. Ask this guy. 

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The hunger games of love aren’t for everyone and Dominque imploded from the inside. Here’s hoping she finds happiness outside of the house. Her headshot suggests she’ll become the cool aunt on a Disney Channel show with the next Miley Cyrus. 

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Man. There is nothing not awkward about Liz and yes I’m including how she gets down ‘tween the sheets. I’m happy she’s gone just so we don’t have to hear her tell us how she and Nick met again. I did get a kick out of how she described their night of passion as a strange blend of talking then sexing, then more talking, then sexing. Was the conversation just really good? Were they telling each other riddles that required some thinking time before answering? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter. Next is the fall out from Nick keeping all this from the other women. You’ve given us a storyline, Liz. And for that we thank you. 

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Apparently this show wasn’t even big enough for one Liz. Elizabeth leaves (I’m pretty sure) and we don’t know much about her. She seems pretty and normal and maybe that’s why she had to go. Unless she’s still here. I’ve had a fever for the past 3 days so nothing is really clear. The nourovirus don’t joke around. Hopefully you can’t get it through a blog. Elizabeth’s gonna be just fine. 

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This is a shocker. Not only is Hailey attractive but I feel like she’s the right kind of attractive. The Nick kind of attractive. At this point, to not get a rose, there has to be something really serious going on. Is she in a cult? Is it because she’s Canadian and reminds Nick too much of Caitlyn? Baffled. Hopefully Hailey can pick up some work as an extra on some Bravo shows while she’s in L.A. 

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Finally. We just spent 6 weeks slowly peeling a bandaid. At this point the relief is barely even worth it. We wish you well, Jaimi. May you find the love you’re looking for. 

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Oh my. That was hard to watch. Jasmine was like one of the broken robots on WestWorld. She couldn’t stop repeating herself and everything she said was terrifying and sexual. And she just kept digging. We’ve seen this before only it was adorable. 

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The single ray of hope in Jasmine’s meltdown was that she kept referencing wanting to punch Nick. Could she have punched the speech impediment right out of his jaw? We will never know, because Nick wanted no part of what Jasmine was selling. She was sent home on the spot and probably had a hard time watching last night. I don’t see her keeping quiet on the Women Tell All and if she does go to paradise I don’t think it’ll end great. 

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Josephine gets the boot and America breathes a sigh of relief. It’s like when you invite that one friend to hang out with another friend group and he manages to make it through the evening without making any immigrant jokes or suggesting everybody throws stuff off of freeway overpasses. The bachelor world is a little less awkward and I for one, am grateful. 

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Another great and interesting girl goes home and again, we have to be happy for her. I’m a little more worried for Kristina than I am for Danielle though. She works in a plastic surgery center in L.A. which means there are rich b-holes running through that joint on the reg, probably. Don’t fall for a bad boy, Kristina. I can picture her on the back of Justin Bobby’s motorcycle. You remember, Justin Bobby from The Hills? 

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Look how happy he is to be remembered. That is not a good sign. Here’s what you do, Kristina. Move to Waco, get a job at the Magnolia bakery. Marry somebody on staff, buy a Fixer Upper in Woodway because the schools are the best. Enjoy your open floor plan with giant kitchen island, and fill those shiplap bunkbeds with babies. 

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There’s something club-girl’y about Lacey. Maybe it’s the raspy voice. Maybe it’s the low cut dresses. I feel like Lacey would drop some serious cash in a tribal casino gift shop. It’s even money that Lacey has a red leather couch and when she bought it the people at Levitz high-fived because they never thought they’d sell it. Lacey has at least one crumpled up fast food bag in her car right now. I bet she has a small dog that she carriers around in a giant purse and that the dog smells like cigarettes. Ok i’m done. 

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Rachel comes out wearing a winged pantsuit that confuses me. But she’s pretty gracious and she had a certain glow about her. I know it’s probably the realization that she’s the next bachelorette but man it would rule if she was preganant with Nick’s baby. And I know what you’re saying, they wrapped on this show months ago. But believe with me, just for a moment! “Life…finds a way.” It always goes back to Goldblum. 

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You left with the best goodbye of all time. You HanSolo’d the Bachelor and, in a way, you made him lose for the what, 4th or 5th time straight? So poised. So fun. So southern. A country singer will write a song about you, Raven. And it will sound exactly like every other country song because all country songs sound the same. All but one. Screen Shot 2017-03-14 at 2.33.05 PM.png

Here’s to you, Chip Mcapp. I’ll bring the beers, you bring the girls, and the troops will bring the freedom. Goodbye for now sweet Raven. We’ll see you in paradise. 

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Nooo!!!!!!! My pick to win it all. What the heck did Sarah do to get kicked off while Alexis, Jamie and Josephine are still around? Sarah is another gal with paradise written all over her and she’s my favorite to walk away engaged at the end of it all. None of this makes any sense. I haven’t felt like this since 50 Cent through out the first pitch at that Mets game. 

Screen Shot 2017-01-31 at 3.39.00 PM.pngGangsta. 

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UPDATE: Taylor returned to talk “s” about Corinne. It had zero effect. That is all. Taylor is left for dead in the backwoods of a swamp with people practicing witchcraft. Not the most comforting situation. But Taylor has no feelings and no time to be weirded out. Instead, she fierce-model-walks from the middle of nowhere to the private dinner Nick and Corinne are having. Taylor is like every woman in every Tyler Perry movie that wants to marry rich and thinks love is overrated. But at least she has a masters degree in keeping it real. 

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Vanessa wins!!!!!(?) Sure it felt like there was a producer in the rafters holding cue cards with sappy stuff for her to say to Nick but that’s just how proposals go, right? What happens when two people who think a relationship has to be hard to be good get together? Vanessa went from almost leaving the game to getting engaged on the walk from the final limo to the proposal shed. She used the word “tough” to describe her time with Nick. I know everybody’s different but when I got engaged it was awesome and it’s still awesome 2 and a half years later! Yes Venessa is realistic. But you can be realistic and still be happy. Maybe that’s why all of us read about the Bachelor instead of trying to date him. We can enjoy it all and still have our lives. Vanessa has been swallowed up by the beast. I picture Nick and Vanessa’s relationship like living a Charlie Day sitcom. The guy doesn’t stop yelling. It’s loud and you just want it to stop. Apart from that, congrats from all of us.

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Pilates can only get a girl so far and Whitney gets left on what looks like the same beach we last saw Olivia. I’m sure nothing weird happened. I mean, say Olivia killed Whitney for food. Could she even fit Whitney’s body in her mouth?

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Oh crap.

I foreverlove all of you. It’s been a fun, grinding season. Kiss the one you love today, with full tongue and a hand on the butt.

g

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