Week 7 – Hometowns

As JoJo squatted down in the middle of that runway I said to my wife, “They’re gonna TBC us”. Sure enough she checked her phone and it was 9:59. Just then, the most hated words in television appeared on the screen “To Be Continued”.

It was like the end of Casablanca only the exact opposite.

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In her defense, I have also made an excuse to walk out of a crowded party and into open air to fart.

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And that’s where we ended. But how did we get there? What did we learn along the way?

Well, it’s nice to know that the makers of merlot colored paint are still doing ok for themselves. It’s like every mom on every season of this show decided to paint a living room accent wall the same color.

Moms are the best. And, they’ve given us our gentlemen. Let’s see how each of them did. And remember the key, guys just voted off are blue because they are sad :( and guys that’ve been gone for more than one week are red. 

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Gosh dang that was bad. Does it get worse than watching a guy pouring his heart out and trying really hard while knowing he’s about to get dumped? Yes it does. Put him in a comically bad outfit, make him lay down on a horse, and then dump him. I feel like JoJo was 5 more miles in the SUV away from giving up and asking Alex to help her discuss whether to chose Jordan or Luke. The kissing with the chips in his mouth thing. It was just…Alex is every guy who’s ever liked a girl who’s liked somebody else. Put this guy on Bachelors in Paradise and I could see him falling hard for one of the twins from Ben Higgins’s season. Good luck in love, sweet Alex.


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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali. 
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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up. 
Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace. 
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Say hello to JoJo’s safety school. If she bombs her SATs, JoJo can always end up at Chase U. I think it’s safe to say that the charisma in Chase’s family does not run strongly on the male side. It’s also safe to say that Chase definitely got a “sorry we’re breaking up the family” present after his parent’s divorce. I know all kids with divorced parents in the 80’s got a waterbed because that was the coolest thing a kid could want. But Chase’s folks probably ended things near the millennium. What does a kid want in 1999? Did he get stuck with an i-mac and a bunch of AOL CDs?
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Chase’s mom is super friendly and she also really loves horse art. In a strange twist, JoJo is caught kissing on top of another horse.
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But the sparks don’t really seem like they’re there. This feels like a camp relationship where two good looking people get together because there aren’t any other options when you’re out in the woods but it all falls apart when they head home at the end of the summer. I guess we’ll have to wait a week to find out.
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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.
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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.
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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico. 
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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men. 
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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.
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James T niced his way to the top 6 but that’s as far as this thing was ever gonna go. It was just his time. He pulled the desperation card and dragged others under the bus but it wasn’t enough. James was gracious in his exit and I’ve gotta believe he’ll have a bunch of ladies back in Texas lining up to set him up with their friends. It’s a tough road but he’ll end up with a great gal. 
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It’s no surprise Jordan and Aaron Rodgers have played in the NFL. Their mom is the spitting image of Old Kit from A League of Their Own. And she had a cannon.

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But the real star of the house was Jordan’s brother’s girlfriend and her interesting mousse decisions. Her hair looks like it’s side-hugging her face. Like it’s just a friend or maybe it’s really conservative or shy.

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Before that, Jordan and JoJo went to a high school when classes were in session and they made out in the library. Think about that. Will they have to walk around their respective neighborhoods and tell folks they are sex offenders? I guess it was worth it for the shots. JoJo is clearly way into Jordan. These two almost have to end up together because if it doesn’t happen, who would be the next Bachelor? Are you gonna sit there in your office bathroom stall and tell me that Robby is bachelor material? You’re really gonna lie to me like that while your pants are down around your ankles? Inappropriate.


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Gramps will bring the meat, Mom will bring the potato salad and the troops will bring the freedom. – Chip McCapp
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Welcome to Luke’s hometown! While Luke approaches every second of his screen time with the intensity of a part-time model, he does seem to be a pretty nice guy. And gosh dang it if that moment with his dad wasn’t the best thing to happen to this show all season. Just a down home fella telling his son that he’s proud of him and that he loves him. Great stuff. Luke and JoJo ride horses because horses are the new helicopters I guess. We understand why Luke is the most bow-legged man in America. There’s a heart and a sunset. JoJo seems way into Luke but at the rose ceremony she shocks us all by saying she thinks she has to send him home. What is happening??!!!! Luke senses trouble in the water because he’s a war vet(?) and swoops in with the i’m falling in love with you’s. Is it too little too late? How are we supposed to sleep for 6 more nights while we wait???
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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B. 
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Somebody tell Robby his shirt has more than just the bottom button.
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Robby is a pair of white hightops away from looking like he could play Zack Morris’s older cousin in an episode of Saved by the Bell from 1993.
Zack: Sorry, Robby but I don’t need to take marajuana to have a good time.
Audience: [Claps loudly]
Robby has a white brother named Jermichael. #florida
For some reason, JoJo has a hard time with Robby’s ex floating rumors on the internet as if she hasn’t experienced the same thing. They kiss in the rain with all the sparks of LiteBrite, and JoJo is off.
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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin. 
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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville. 
And that’s that! We’ll pick things back up on that same runway. Till then, foreverlove to all of you.

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