Week 5 – My Story is Amazing

Hi. It’s only fair that you all know that my heart was broken on Sunday and writing about foreverlove is hard. But, I’m gonna put on my bigboy pants and tough out this bach cap. Just know that this is what I look like and sound like.

Siiiigh. OK! You can do this!

Wow. That was an episode for the ages!it had everything:

  • Fear of heights
  • Fear of showering
  • Fear of bad breath
  • International travel?
  • A slow-talking love (sex) guru
  • A panic attack
  • Night makeup
  • A group-date hijacking
  • Mean girls
  • Hypothermia
  • A “nap”

Oh, and a probable murderer! I honestly don’t remember enjoying an episode this much since Tiarra’s ham-smelling @ss was booted by Sean Lowe.

Even without a rose ceremony, that was just a thousand times amazing.

I’m getting ahead of myself. On to the ladies. Oh, there’s a format change. Now, the latest to get voted out will be in blue text. Blue because they are sad. 😦

 

ALISSA – Gone after night 1

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Alissa didn’t do much this week and it resulted in her getting the boot. America’s most forgettable flight attendant is left to make corny pre-flight announcements to people that will be racing to get that last text out before turning off their phones. Bitter Beer Face out. 

AMBER – Gone after week 2

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Amber, it’s not your fault. I mean, it kind of is your fault for going on the show but it’s also not your fault. ABC needs a black bachelor. It’s the only way the world can change. The bachelor is what will finally end prejudice in America.

(TR)ASHLEY I

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It just gets worse and worse. Trashley is a mean girl, like the movie Mean Girls. It’s 100% who she is and she has 100% no clue that it makes her so unlikeable. Britt is manipulative and dirty. Kelsey kills people. Trashley just has zero self awareness. She’s like Michael Scott only with no appeal whatsoever. She’s not writing Threat Level Midnight. I can’t wait for the Women Tell All to see if she’s learned anything from this show. Because someone as on it as Trashley is definitely looking at this as a teachable moment. Could you imagine driving cross country with this person? Or even sharing an elevator ride with her? If ever you run into Trashley I suggest you take the advice of Dr. Jack Sheppard.

 

ASHLEY S – Gone after week 3

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Chris! What have you done??? You had a woman who knew that you are a Scorpio and didn’t care! You had the dream. And you pissed it all away. It was only a matter of time before whatever Ashley S is, had to go. On a show with a woman who talks about getting probed by aliens, like a lot (Mackenzie), a woman who’s eyes bulged out of her face (that crazy-eyed gal from night one), a woman with roid rage (Jillian), and a dangerously aggressive virgin (Trashley), Ashley S is the crazy one. That is impressive! And while we never reached Mesa Verde territory after that night with the zombies, I think we’re all going to miss our Ashley. She went out with a bang (“Woooo”) and no feelings whatsoever. Ashley, you are fascinating and I’ll leave you with the classic high school yearbook fallback. Have a rad summer. Don’t change. 

BECCA

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Not a big night from Becca but we saw her handle the Jordan situation with grace. She’s clearly a good person and one to watch in a major way. Keep being you, Becca.

BRITT

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What in the world? On a show with a dirty sex guru, Britt is the one that doesn’t shower? She puts makeup on to go to bed? I just don’t understand. But she’s got a power over people. More and more women are wearing her pink lipstick. It’s a sign that she’s running things. It’s a sign that she’s a master manipulator. When the date cards were read, Britt somehow had all the women rooting that she would get the one on one. AND we learn that she doesn’t want kids or to get married. The biggest red flag girl from week one is beginning to show her true colors. Britt’s on the wrong show. She belongs on Bravo, having scripted conversations about backstabbing and shoes. Also, she belongs in hell.

CARLY

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Oh the awkwardness. White burlap clothing. Exploratory touching. Breathing into each other’s mouths? Good gracious I hope neither of them had the onion bagel at the continental breakfast.There were so many moments I had to cover my eyes during their date, and yet Carly came out like a champion! Good for her! She deserves a horny lover. And we all know Chris likes to ho. (The farming kind. He likes to use a hoe to till the earth. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.) Carly is so lovable. She would rule on the farm and be such a fun family addition. It’s all so perfect…BUT, will it work out or is Carly being set up to become the next Bachelorette? She’s a little eyebrow help away from being America’s Sweetheart. Either way, Carly’s gonna come out of this journey smelling like roses. Unlike say…

SEX GURU

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Wow. Wow. This is a sex guru who’s sex guru friends probably describe like, “I mean River is nice and I enjoy hitting the mall with her and stuff but if I’m being honest, she can be a little “sex guru’y”. And that’s coming from me, a sex guru!” That gal was committed to the process. She spoke in a way that suggests she feels the universe with every syllable that escapes her mouth. And I mean, what’s that gotta taste like? There’s no way she isn’t eating garlic hummus right now. And I dare any of you to tell me she uses anti-persperant. But, I’ll give her something. By sitting closely to Carly, the Sex Guru made our girl look and smell so much better! Just by being super weird, she elevated Carly’s game in comparison. The sex guru knows. Words to live by.

JADE

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Jade got cold in warm weather. I just, I can’t figure her out. She’s in porn…she’s super sweet and shy. She grows up on a farm in Nebraska…she gets cold when it’s warm outside. Could she survive in Iowa? Is that why she moved to Hollywood? To get feeling back in her feet and hands? Jade isn’t the worst, but she’s not the best either. Expect an exit just before the hometowns, after the final fat has been trimmed.

JILLIAN – Gone after week 3

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Jillian is woken up when the sisters arrive and says she’s embarrassed. That she wouldn’t want to meet Chris’s family while wearing a tiny bkikini and covered in sweat and drool. Really? You come in different ways than that?  In the end of all this, you’re a person with feelings. Just because giant deltoids and a Lattimore-from-The-Progam personality aren’t my thing doesn’t mean some man out there wasn’t watching this and falling in love. I think you’re deluded about a few things but I’m just one man. Chris mentioned that based on attraction, you were in his top 3. That baffles me. Carly asked last night if your pen1s was bigger than Chris’s. And Carly was made for this, I’m just sayin. Like Trashley, I hope you learn some things from watching this show. I hope it doesn’t break you, or dampen your enthusiasm. You should be who you are. Just, maybe less of it. I really hope you find love. And I really hope that love is petite because that would be hilarious to see around town. 

JORDAN – Gone after week 2 and last night

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She’s back! And this time she’s sober, we think. But it’s all a little random. Did she just want to be a little more famous? Did the producers promise her free access to the mini bar in her Buffalo Casino room? How many girls will get booted twice this season. Chris is the master of the second chance. Not because he’s forgiving or into grace. It’s because he can’t refute any argument, ever. He doesn’t have the speaking skills to do it. But, it didn’t work out for Jordan. The other women just weren’t havin’ it. Goodbye Jordan. Please don’t drink on your drive home. 

JUELIA – Gone after week 3

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Last week, Juelia picked a hormone-infused tequila pool party as the perfect, most appropriate setting to tell Chris about the saddest story known to man. This week the last petal from Juelia’s sympathy rose fell to the ground and it was time to see her go. But not before Chris walked her out of the mansion, beat his chest, started to say something and then got tongue-tied by his farmer brain. Goodbye, Juelia. Good luck.  

KAITLYN

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A really quiet night from Kaityln too. She handled the Jordan thing pretty well. She had pouty lips 24/7. Most importantly, she didn’t implicate herself in a murder and then immediately start kissing someone, then 2 hours later, fake a panic attack to get out of a rose ceremony….

KELSEY

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Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Kelsey is frightening. Is there a soul in there? She’s walking around trying to mimic human emotions like Dexter, from the hit show Dexter. First she tells her story in as cold a way possible and forgets how her husband died. THEN she talks about girls getting in “her” way and goes to see Chris where she tells her story again, fakes tears and without skipping a beat, before Chris can even say anything, Kelsey starts making out with the guy!!!!  My husband died a year and a half ago french, french, headgrab french. I mean, there’s no period in that sentence because there was no pause. So it’s one of 3 things. 1) Kelsey’s husband (who has the most made up name in history by the way) really did die of something heart related. 2) Kelsey poisoned him and has no emotions so she forgets her alibi because she feels nothing. 3) Kelsey is lying about everything. Having a husband, being a widow. After the makeout, Kelsey looks dead at the camera and says, “My story is amazing”. HER STORY IS THAT HER HUSBAND DIED AND SHE THINKS THAT’S AMAZING. I can’t do her justice. She is just one-of-a-kind crazy. THEN, she acts WAY over confident while the girls are sitting around waiting for the rose ceremony. She gets sad and says something like, “It’s just so hard, and that’s why I have to say goodbye. (full stop) Oh, to somebody who’s going home. I know I’m not but, it’s just so sad, guys.” AND THEEEEEEEN she either fakes a panic attack or really has one because she realizes her pathetic attempt to get a last second sympathy rose isn’t going to work!!!!!!! Kelsey has GOT to be a first ballot inductee when they finally make that dream a reality and open the bachelor hall of fame. She is everything! Even looking at her little picture is chilling! I cannot wait for next week.

KIMBERLY – Gone twice weeks 1 and 2

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The only woman to be dumped in back-to-back weeks in Bachelor history. And we don’t really know why. We never saw her do anything. She had the stones/delirium to not walk away after the first rose ceremony and then nothing. All we know about Kimberly is that she loves After Earth, the Scientology movie with Will and Jaden Smith that some people think is the worst movie of all time. Maybe that came up in conversation. Maybe Jaden Smith is to blame…again. 

MACKENZIE

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Mackenzie is just a straight up idiot BUT she did call out Trashley for being catty. Hat’s off there.Other than that, it was a quiet night for the disgrace of Maple Valley.

MEGAN

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There’s good. There’s evil. And then there’s Meagan. I mean, she’s just adorable. Sombreros? Native American chanting? New Mexico Old Mexico? Beach resorts? This gal is delightfully dumb. Don’t change a thing, Meagan. You have no shot to win but you bring a fun sideshow to the hunger games. You’re like the Kimmy Gibbler of the show, always there to lighten the mood when things get a little murdery.

NIKI – Gone week 4

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Finally one of the nameless brunettes went home. Was she ever even there? Niki got less screen time than Ashley I’s belly button ring. 

SAMANTHA

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She speaks! We got 2 sentences from Samantha. I was beginning to think this was some kind of Sixth Sense thing where I was dead and so was Samantha. Nobody else could see her sitting there. But no. We’re both alive. Hurray! With this second chance at life I’m going to really live. Gonna dance like nobody’s watching.

TANDRA – Gone week 2

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Tandra rode into our hearts on a motorcycle and rode out of our hearts on a tractor. That’s not too bad for a girl with a made up name. I’m sure her brother Ttephen is very proud. Now, she is blonde, pretty, and from Utah. There could be religious motives behind the early vote off. In any case, we’ll miss you Trandra. And (whatever)God(you worship)speed.

TARA – Gone week 2

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I had such high hopes for Tara. She owned the limo gimmick but it was pretty much downhill from there. She came down with a case of the whiskies on night one and couldn’t overcome them this week. She was even in her natural environment–on a tractor in a bikini. Tara also suffers from drunk face. She looked like she’d been through the ringer at last night’s rose ceremony. It was sad. And she left with some negative things to say about herself. Somebody needs to love Tara and Tara needs to kick the booze. I love that she called out Chris’s tastes in fake makeupy stuff. RIP Tara. RIP. 

TRACY – Gone week 3

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Uggg. My dark horse. Dead. Tracy did nothing for the entire show. Was she not aggressive enough? Did her old-face-young-body do her in? Between Tracy’s face/body and Kaitlyn’s belly button there was just way too much confusion for one house. Too many questions. Something had to give. Sadly, it was Tracy. Goodbye. I’m sorry you will have to live with nine cats. 

TRINA(‘S MOM) – Gone week 3

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You know when a vampire lady doesn’t get he blood of a virgin man by midnight and she ages super rapidly until she becomes dust? (See Once Bitten) I think we might have a vampiress on our hands. Trina aged like 20 years in the 4 days she was in L.A. What the heck? What happened? I mean, nobody’s going to miss her. On night one she was elitist and probably racist. This show has no patience for probably racists. (Only actual racists). Old Trina, take care of yourself. Maybe look into some calcium chews. I had one once because I was feeling really snaky. They aren’t that bad. 

WHITNEY

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Whitney is like princess Diana with a lady’s haircut and a high-pitched cartoon voice. She just rises above the fray. She’s compassionate even to those who would threaten her. Whitney is the kind of woman that would be honored at a small town ceremony. If she moves to Iowa she’d have a bench dedicated to her after she dies. If Carly is Kit from A league of Their Own, Whitney is Dottie. She’s stately. Beautiful. Tall. And probably a hell of a catcher. I think Whitney might be too much/too sophisticated/too good for Chris. I think she’s better. But is she better for Chris? It’s the question women (and like a handful of dudes) around the country will be asking ourselves in the weeks to come.

 

Next week we get a humiliating 2 on 1. And, spoiler alert…Trashley cries.

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