One time when I was a kid my dad took me hiking. Everything was ok except when we came across a dead animal. It freaked me out and I felt so sorry for the little thing.

I tell you this wonderful story not to inspire you to hike, but it’s because I’m feeling sorry again. I feel sorry for the people who aren’t watching this show. Is it hard? Sure. Staying up late on a Monday night isn’t easy, especially if you have children to tend to in the morning, or reality show recaps to write. Still, this season is giving us so much gold. I feel rich. This show is enriching my life. And yours I’ll bet. If you know somebody who’s missing out (Will Raunig), talk to him or her. Don’t let them ruin their lives.

What didn’t last night give us? We got as much Ian as we could stomach. We got Jared’s unfathomable facial hair. Joshua was mercy killed. One man is bringing brought to his knees while another is soaring like a bald cowlick’ed eagle. Walls be goin up while panties be droppin. And of course, it all started at The Alamo. Now, I don’t know as much I should about Texas history, but I can only imagine that while the brave men died to defend America, they did so gripping to the hope that one day, one day a reality TV show would film a rose ceremony on the very site where they bled out.

It’s a classic American tale of survival. It was beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful, let’s get to the gentlemen.

And remember: Red means they’ve been gone. Blue means they’ve just gone. Black means they’re still in this thing.

 

NICK

Nick knows this game. Even if he looks like he should be sitting on a ventriloquist’s knee with a hand up his butt. He close talks. He consoles like a champion. He turns Ian’s outburst into a humblebrag about his own sensitivity. He owns more TinyCoats™ than GapKids. He can talk about a one week relationship 20 different ways for hours at a time. It’s the stuff that could lead to the final rose and it’s the stuff that got him into Kaitlyn’s fantasy suite. He knows how to tell the other guys just enough to torture them. He isn’t kicking people out, he’s making them think it’s their own ideas. Nick was made for this game. And to star in videos about child labor laws.

LITTLE CLETUS

My name’s Little Cleteus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok?

BEN H. 

Ben H had a bit of down week. His suit-no-tie thing looked frumpy, like a tired businessman. Maybe he was jet-lagged. Where’s the dynamism, Ben? Where’s the charisma that moves software in your town? Nick is taking your lunch, Ben. And while you aren’t crumbling like a dry biscuit, or a poor man’s Gossling impersonator, you aren’t taking any steps forward. Pick it up, man. Or at the very least, stop shopping at Men’s Warehouse.

BEN Z. 

Ben Z. might not have what it takes to be with Kaitlyn. Does he poop-joke? Does he fart-joke? Does he sex-joke or movie-quote? He’s a big guy with a sensitive side. And that’s great for most women. Kaitlyn is not most women. I mean, she’s like most women only she as terrible, terrible taste in rings and she dates 20 guys at the same time. And she makes love at the one who looks like Little Cletus from Zoolander.

CHRIS THE DENTIST

Chris sings whenever he has the chance. And not in the straightest way possible. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…unless you’re on a show about dating a woman. Chris is a classic triple threat. He sings, he dances, and he wears crushed velvet sport coats. I didn’t have what it takes to watch all of Behind the Candelabra but I feel like Chris was all over it. On the plus side, he’s a dentist who likes to tell teeth jokes. And yeah, with Chris, that is the plus side. I think Chris would make a really good Gay Bachelor Only By Bravo.

CLINT

I don’t know what to say. Clint is like a soap opera villain. That confrontation with JJ was top 5 all-time bachelor stuff. “I told you things that I ve never told anyone.” First of all, what things? Second of all, you chose JJ as the one person in the world to open up to? If JJ is the worst than what does that make Clint? This guy is an architectural engineer. Would you trust any building he designs? This guy is all kinds of strange. Unless it’s all a joke in which case, he’s a little bit all kinds of awesome. I’m gonna miss this guy. I can’t wait till the women tell all. If I wasn’t so spoiler sensitive I’d be reading all the dirt to see what’s going on. Who wants to fly to Chicago and just follow this guy around for a while? We could eat hot dogs. Catch a game at Wrigley. Anyone? 

COREY

It was only a matter of time before Corey S had to go. His face was too unsettling to be around. He was like that kid that shows up to high school baseball tryouts wearing tennis shoes and jeans with a plastic glove he got for free at a Mariner’s game. It’s got a Mother’s Cookies logo on it and everything. You know there’s just not a shot in H he’s gonna make the team and you can only hope he doesn’t do too much to embarrass himself because you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have much to go home to. Man I just made myself super sad. And that’s what Corey does. He brings sadness to all who gaze upon his strange, strange face. Goodbye, Corey S. I hope you were able to warm up quickly after that rose ceremony. 

SAD TROMBONE

This is how Corey makes cute girls feel. It’s not fair. Cute girls should be peppy. They have the world wrapped around their fingers. Corey, you’re upsetting the balance. If cute girls get sad, all of us get sad. 

THE BETTER COREY 

Not since Haim and Feldman have we seen a stronger set of Coreys. But, like it was for those teenage heartthrobs things just weren’t meant to last long for. The Better Corey was just too good for this show. That, or he was super boring. We’ll never really know. Regardless, he and his daughter should be fine for love down in Pearland. They grow em good in Texas.  

COLOR ME DANIEL

It’s not Daniel’s fault. He was just born in the wrong era. Picture that face in early 90’s circular glasses, a thin chain on the outside of a turtleneck, and a mustard or merlot colored suit. You know what you’d have?…

COLOR ME BADD

Daniel should’ve been the 5th member of Color Me Badd. Think of what they could’ve done with just one more dude. Probably exactly the same thing. Goodbye Daniel. #I adore, mi amore.

IAN

We didn’t get anything different from Ian last night. Just more of the same perfection. It was the greatest exit in show history. His lack of self awareness is truly special. As americans we love to reward those who are the best at what they do. Athletes, CEO’s, NAACP leaders. Why can’t we do the same for Ian who is the most clueless person any of us have ever known. You deserve to be celebrated, Ian. I can’t wait for the Men Tell All. You are going to get shredded. It will really be something to marvel. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for the strange hair. Your head looks like Jared’s face. Thank you for small eye, or is one eye too big. I feel like they’re both a little bit wrong. It’s so wonderful that you will end up finding a woman who will marry you. Like, she’ll look at your face and hear you talk and think, “yeah that’s what I’m into for the rest of my life.” What a world we get to experience. If that doesn’t get you believing in a higher power, I don’t know what will. In fact, people at sporting events should ditch their “John 3;16” signs and just hold up pictures of Ian’s face. 

JARED

Is it me or is Jared still wounded from the fight in week one? It’s either that or he’s severely jaundiced. In a world where Nick is pre-maritaling Kaitlyn and Shawn B is dying a slow death, Jared is barely mentioned. He’s like the afterthought of the afterthought. You know the bigger cheerleader on the bottom of the pyramid? Jared is the cheerleader behind the pyramid making sure the cutest girls don’t fall on top of him. He’s that one in every email that gets left off. “Oh, and apologies for forgetting Jarel. He was integral to the project’s success.” “Oh, and apologies, I’ve been told his name is Jared and there are leftovers from the finance meeting in the kitchen.” How hard have the producers tried to politely get Jared to shave? He’s like that guy you know with spinach in his teeth right now. Who’s gonna step up and tell him there’s something wrong?

JJ THE TURD

Somehow this guy keeps holding on. I mean, with dudes like Joshua getting desperation haircuts it’s not all that hard to see. JJ walks like his frat brothers drugged him, walked him down to the gymnasium and duck taped him to a pommel horse for a night. My theory is that it’s because he’s trying to compensate for having a child-sized peen. Maybe he just needs some orthopedics shoes. You know those tan things you see on the wall in every podiatrist’s office. The ones with velcro. Do podiatrists keep them on the walls so you’ll buy expensive orthotics as an alternative? And that’s JJ. He’s so interesting we’re talking about tan orthopedic shoes right now.

JOE

Does Joe come to the Men Tell All with the same haircut? That’s about all I need to know about him at this point.

JONATHAN

Jonathan was filling space on couches, at rose ceremonies, and on group dates. He was never going to win but he did have a little swagger which Kaitlyn might miss now that he’s gone. He helped to balance out what Chris brings to the table which is the opposite of cool. Good luck, Jonathan. I’m sure you’re a fine person. 

JOSHUA

This friggin guy. He goes out and what is he talking about? Nick. Joshua has a hard time letting go. He’s like Rain Man with none of the card counting benefits. He coined the phrase, “Man’s Intuition”. Someday Joshua will find a nice woman who is probably also terrified that the government is coming to take all their guns, turn their livestock gay, and give everybody ebola. I don’t know this is going to happen for sure. Call it man’s intuition. 

JUSTIN

Justin’s hair looked like the alien’s head in Aliens. It was super long, hard, and shiny. Seriously, if the Texans had access to the kind of hair product Justin is rocking, the Alamo wouldn’t have gotten a scratch. I feel like Justin fancies himself a stud. It’s gotta be tough to head home in the same Escalade with Joshua. AND not only that, but Chris the Dentist is still on the show. So is Tanner, the least dangerous thing on the earth. Justin’s gonna be fine though. There are plenty of this type out there that are proabably perfect for our man. 

KUPAH

HELLO!!!! That was pretty awesome. During Hangin With Mr. Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison could’ve walked out on the patio, clinked a champagne glass with a little knife to get attention, handed Kupah a shovel, and walked away without saying anything. Kupah was diggin holes! Every word dug deeper and deeper. Kaitlyn’s face was perfect. It was like somebody the camera man farted and she was just drinking it in. And then, Kupah just straight up refused to leave! AND THEN Kupah went off the hook and started threatening the producer! AND THEN, KAITLYN WALKED OUT TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION BECAUSE IT’S TOTALLY HER JOB TO DO SO…It’s a good thing Kupah hates boxing or else somebody could get hurt. 

RYAN B(RAVO)

Ryan came. Ryan left. And what do we really know about him? He has well thought out hair. He likes to wear scarves. He has glasses with no prescriptions (probably). This guy is delicate. I wonder what he does for fun. I feel like everything is too dirty for him. Like, if you ever wondered who buys all those men’s products, it’s Ryan. 100 bucks says he’s sprayed his face with Evian. No doubt he cornered at least one of the guys and told him about the importance of a good, citrus-based exfoliant. All that’s left now is for us to guess how high will Ryan’s hair will be when the Men Tell All. 

SHAWN B.

In the Hunger Games love, UglyGossling is the little african american girl who I think is played by Lenny Kravitz’s daughter. You root for her because she’s delicate and kind but in the end you know she doesn’t have what it takes to be out there in the wild. Shawn B is getting destroyed by feelings. And that’s really what separates him from real Gossling. That and good looks, charisma, wealth, good fashion sense, and game with the ladies. Will Shawn B leave next week? And if he does, can anybody else stop Nick? So many questions!

TANNER

Even Tanner doesn’t know why he’s still getting roses.

TONY

Tony. What the heck happened to you, man? You’re the least zen healer we’ve ever seen! You’re so primal. “Why can’t we just go to the zoo?” I don’t know. That’s a great question. But you did what was right for you. You see the world through the eyes of a child. You have the heart of a warrior. And there’s one other thing that I can’t remember. I wish we’d gotten to see the many sides of you. Instead, all we got was; healer, stand up comedian, sumo wrestler, balcony spitter, middle-part haircut enthusiast, really crappy meditator, sunglasses wearer. You’re one of a kind, T-bone. And we wish you well. Can’t wait for the Men Tell All. Please go. And I know it’s a pipe dream, but PLEASE go on Bachelors in Paradise. 

VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN

He didn’t like Maverick because Maverick is dangerous. And every time he’s up in the air he is unsafe. This show is the Maverick of reality dating shows. Just give us a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison doesn’t have anything to do if you take that from him. Don’t be greedy, ABC. And fix your website. And get off my lawn. 

 

Next week we get the full fall out of Kaitlyn and Nick’s love-making. It looks like everybody cries and says they want to go home. Everybody but Nick. If he’s left standing as the lone cast member, will the show go on? He seems like the kind of guy who’d be happy dating himself.