Week 3 – YimYamm

Last night we saw the full range of the Bachelorette—from the innocence of James Taylor’s guitar strumming to the shirt rip heard round the world. We laughed. We cried. We absolutely cringed and gosh dang it if ABC didn’t give us one of the most awkward episodes yet on one of the hottest days of the year. Our living room was too muggy for me to hide my face under a throw blanket.

We were forced to watch.

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It was so action packed that Chase and JoJo’s sex yoga feels like ages ago. I will say that in terms of sex yogis, this lady seems like she probably showered more other sexual spirit guides from the past.

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From there we kept things spicy with sexual secrets. Seems these guys weren’t just getting their drivers licenses at 16. [cue the slide-whistle]

There was violence. There was the threat of violence. There was an unusually large amount of weight lifting. We even met an old lady who teaches swing dancing. If you didn’t find something to enjoy last night I suggest looking yourself in the mirror and evaluating if you feel anything anymore.

Enough flim flamming. Grab the person closest to you, start yim yamming, and let’s read about how are fellas did last night.

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Alex took a backseat to Evan in the fight against Chad. The animosity is still there but we also saw Alex and Chad working out together. Lifting weights brings all things together. You thought it was love. Nope. It’s lifting weights.
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Thank the Lord Ali wasn’t invited to the sex secrets date. I feel like he’d get up there and just giggle until one of the emcees yanked him off stage to a dead-quiet audience.
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Chad is straight up fascinating. I want to see where he lives. I want to interview his parents and people that consider him a friend. The failed kiss at the sex secrets show was just fantastic. He lacked the self awareness needed to see that it wouldn’t work and to realize how bad it was after the fact. He just doesn’t think or feel like anybody else on this planet. And yet he might not be the most painful dude in the house. With Evan yipping at him, are we kind of rooting for Chad to snap? I think we should enjoy Chad while we’ve got him.
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Chase had a good week but ripped abdominals can only get you so far. Does he have a personality or is he just somebody you practice tantrum yoga with?
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Not much from Christian last night. I don’t expect we’ll get a lot of him until it’s time to say goodbye.
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Derek has to sleep next to Chad which is scary enough to bring in a short, overweight security guard that looks like he was pulled off the catering team because he filled out the uniform, kind of. Does that guy call his mom and tell her to watch because it was a big episode for him even though he just walked around a little and watched a man sleep? I would.
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Daniel once tied a woman to a bed and cut off some of her hair and yet last night, he was the most logical person on the show. He calmly, constantly tried to talk some sense into Chad only to get pecs staring back at him.
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Chad is dangerous but Evan is sniveling and it’s got me questioning, which is worse. That’s how bad Evan is. I will give him this though, his personality could not match his hair and face any better. Evan also has an”over-acting child star” quality to him. When he walks into any room it’s like he’s getting direction in an ear piece to look amazed. He also has the flamboyance of a Miami night club co-owner.
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Grant had his face called out by Chad. In Chad’s defense, Grant’s chins is the stuff of legend.
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I look at James F. and I feel like the guy might really benefit from a little sun. Maybe get him a tan, convince him he’s worth just one shelf higher in the grocery store shampoo and conditioner, and walk with him into a Jcrew. Sure it isn’t Barney’s, but it isn’t Hollister either. James needs just one girlfriend with moderate to good taste. I don’t think JoJo is that woman.
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James took a baby step out of the friend zone last night with some really long kissing. He even made JoJo cry a little. James Taylor is perfect for 90% of women in America. Trouble is, JoJo doesn’t like super-nice guys. She’s grown up with something completely different. She may want to want James, but I just don’t see it happening. And while all this will play out in the next few weeks, James is building an impressive resume. The women from Houston are gonna be all OVER this dude when he goes home.
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Jordan hung back a little this week. He had a minor confrontation with Chad but for the most part he was quiet and side-parted. Don’t let that fool you though. As seasoned viewers, you and I both picked up on JoJo’s attraction to Jordan in their brief conversation on the couch. Could he be another wire-to-wire winner like Lauren B? Keep a close eye on this guy.
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Luke threatened tears if he didn’t get a date this week. Who are these friggin guys????
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Nick is waiting out the crazy with his constant, squinty, smiley face.
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Robby had a quiet week. He looks a lot like Chase and maybe he hopes JoJo confuses the two and keeps him around.
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Vinny and his hairline joined in the fight against Chad. Predictably, it had little affect.
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Wells did what Wells does—he sat back and played it cool. Wells is different than the other guys and I could see him sticking for a long time. He’s got top 4 potential as long as he remains out of Chad’s punching radius.
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More to come tonight! We get a bloody pool party and a rose ceremony. Until then, stay safe out there.
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