Finale – One sidepart to rule them all

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Close your eyes. Let me take you on a journey. Wait, open them because you have to read this. Sometimes I forget how reading works.

You’re sitting on the comfiest living room couch in the world. You can smell dinner cooking in the oven. In the distance, the murmur of children playing, because the bonus room is right off the living room. All of a sudden, the dinner is burned! But here’s the thing everybody—it doesn’t matter. Why? Because, twist, the sauvignon blanc you’re drinking goes better with the pizza you’ll have delivered.

This was Robby’s dream for his and JoJo’s life. It’s also what I hope happened with all of you while you were watching the finale last night. It’s also also the most cliché rom-com thing I’ve ever heard. Catherine Heigel and James Marsden would look at this and laugh.

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Robby’s pre-proposal talked about a love that you only see in fairy tales. In 2 more minutes of research I just learned that many of his friends think Robby says things like that because he’s gaynotthattheresanythingwrongwiththat. Screen Shot 2016-08-02 at 12.13.40 PM.png

I don’t see it.

I’ve always assumed Robby is just cheesy. Cheesy in the way a high school boy goes way over the top for his first girlfriend. If you’re dating Robby you are in constant fear he’s going to show up to your office on a white horse, dressed like a Knight in actual shining armor. And I think that’s what was behind JoJo telling him that she couldn’t picture the two of them having normal, stupid conversations together. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re being serenaded with a GooGoo Dolls song at a farmer’s market. Close your eyes and picture Robby on a Saturday morning in public. He’s wearing a pastel shirt with just the bottom button buttoned, isn’t he? He’s singing “If you could hide besiiiiide me maybe for a while, and I won’t tell noooo one your name. I won’t tell em your name.” right next to where they’re selling organic leeks, isn’t he? And that’s at the beginning of that song! Could you stand there and take that for another 4 minutes?

Many people will say that Robby was the safe choice. There’s no safety in “Name”.

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And that leaves our winner. We wondered if taking a famous brother-in-law off the table would have JoJo saying goodbye to Jordan. What we forgot is that the drama of having a rift with a famous brother-in-law is actually more appealing. JoJo loves drama, unless she doesn’t but let’s assume she really does. Jordan also loves drama, literally. He’s in musicals and stuff.

What else is there to say about him? Is he a fraud? I don’t know. He seems like the type of person that is constantly interviewing for a job. If you went on a fishing trip with him and some buddies, would he be checking his twitter for likes the whole time? Would he hit on the girl you like because come on, if you really liked her you’d want what’s best for her right?

Or maybe he’s nice and normal.

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Speaking of, how charming was JoJo’s family?

1 google search and 3 minutes of reading shows that JoJo’s mom is Iranian and has children from a previous marriage. JoJo’s dad is from Tennessee and also has kids from a previous marriage. Whose kids showed up in Thailand to meet Jordan and Robby? I have no idea. Maybe Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore can help us figure it out.

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Please reach out and let me know that I’m not the only person who’s seen this. I don’t want to be alone right now. Not with Goo Goo Dolls stuck in my head.

Will JorJo make it? Who’s to say? I’m going to believe in them because I believe in foreverlove. It doesn’t mean I want to share a lake cabin with them for a weekend but I hope they’re happy. I also hope that Chris Harrison can fulfill his wishes and use the show to repair the Rodger’s brothers broken relationship. Because that is what this show is all about. It’s why we watch. Because The Bachelorette teaches us things and makes the world a better, realer place.

I’ve had fun these past months, and I hope you have too. Now, it’s on to paradise—where the life lessons continue.

Foreverlove,

– Graeme

Something to listen to while you look down at all the heartbreak. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8

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Gosh dang that was bad. Does it get worse than watching a guy pouring his heart out and trying really hard while knowing he’s about to get dumped? Yes it does. Put him in a comically bad outfit, make him lay down on a horse, and then dump him. I feel like JoJo was 5 more miles in the SUV away from giving up and asking Alex to help her discuss whether to chose Jordan or Luke. The kissing with the chips in his mouth thing. It was just…Alex is every guy who’s ever liked a girl who’s liked somebody else. Put this guy on Bachelors in Paradise and I could see him falling hard for one of the twins from Ben Higgins’s season. Good luck in love, sweet Alex.

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We lost a few good Ali’s this week. It was just a matter of time for the smiling V-neck above. But Ali doesn’t leave without getting anything. The world knows he can play piano and he got a free trip to Pittsburgh. We wish you all the luck in the world, sweet, tender, Ali.

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UPDATE: Chad left but he didn’t really but then he did. I’ll be he ate bad smelling meat on the flight home and when his seat mate made a disputed face, Chad asked for his address and threatened to follow the man home and beat him up.

Goliath is slain! Chad continued to answer questions with threats of violence but it’s hard to tell just what was going on. The guys did seem to pick at him and yet, something inside me thinks Chad might be, just might be, a little unstable. He’s gone, kind of, but will never be forgotten. In just 3 weeks, Chad became one of the most fascinating people to be on this show and he’s certainly a great argument for having an MTV-like “The Challenge” where old cast members battle each other in crazy physical challenges for fortune and fame. Who wouldn’t watch Chad and some other meathead from seasons past go at each other with pugil sticks? Chad is like the kind of movies you instantly want to research after seeing them. He’s like Bridge of Spies only he’s 275 pounds of walking nightmare. It’s weird to not condone bullying but also being bummed that Chad won’t be on the show anymore. Looks like we’ll get one last glimpse in two weeks. After that, it’s back to peace.

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Chase has a fun side? He refers to JoJo as “unstoppable” then starts talking in lists: Saltwater, fisherman, monkeys, fish. JoJo gives the “you’ve been so great” which is code for, “thanks for being a safe distraction on my journey to foreverlove with someone who is not you. I’ve really enjoyed our time. Have a rad summer-JoJo”.

Somehow Chase survives a dinner date with ominous tones but we all know the axe is about to drop. JoJo does what JoJo does and leaves to get some air. Was JoJo the girl in middle school that was always crying by her locker, forcing everybody to worry about her? I feel like she ruined a lot of 13 year old dudes.

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But that’s beside the point. Chase is shattered. He uses his math skills and aks JoJo if love = get the eff-word out. Crack a brew and hop in a minivan.

It’s over, Chase. Or is it? This break up just will not die. It’s begging for mercy, like Dutch interacting with the Predator: KILL ME NOW!!!

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Only this isn’t a trick. We really want this thing to just end. JoJo cries and we’re back on track. Bye Chase. See you tonight at the Men Tell All.

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Christian came. Christian went. It just wasn’t meant to be but he seems like a super nice fella and I’ll bet he goes on to have a perfectly normal life with a super nice lady. He was on the show just long enough where people will give him second glances in public for the next few weeks and he’ll wonder how to react to them. I think he’s one deep run on Bachelors in Paradise away from a hosting gig on E! Go get em, Christian.

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There’s something strange about Derek. I feel like he threw some temper tantrums growing up. Like, you’d go to his house to play nintendo and he’d make you watch him play. You’d never get a turn. He’d have great snacks but he wouldn’t share. I feel like Derek owns the movie Dirty Dancing on blueray. Now, he’ll have plenty of time to watch it.

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Noo! Daniel goes home and, true to this season, he lacks self awareness telling the world that he lost because he lacked personality. Daniel has personality for DAYS! This guy was all over the place but he was fun and at times, even wise. I would love to watch Daniel travel the world and try to make sense out of other cultures. I feel like he’s totally charming in a way that you wouldn’t want to set him up with your sister. I want to be friends with someone who is friends with Daniel, just for the stories. That feels like the appropriate level of separation. This guy BELONGS on Bachelors in Paradise. He’s got me typing in ALL CAPS! We will miss you, man. Hope to see you again soon with a terrible microphone necklace on the beaches of Mexico.

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I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM

He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦

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Grant goes home and is nice on the way out. Man, these guys are brutal and then they save all the normal emotions until the end, making it impossible to make fun of them. Grant will be fine. He’s a firefighter with the chin of 10 men.

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James F. reveals some poetry because of course this season’s boxing gym owner is also gonna be a friggin poet. It’s not great and not enough to keep him around. On the plus side, if you stare at James’s hairline it’s a beautiful M. Bye James F. You were nice.

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James T niced his way to the top 6 but that’s as far as this thing was ever gonna go. It was just his time. He pulled the desperation card and dragged others under the bus but it wasn’t enough. James was gracious in his exit and I’ve gotta believe he’ll have a bunch of ladies back in Texas lining up to set him up with their friends. It’s a tough road but he’ll end up with a great gal.

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JoJo’s got her choker and ripped yoga shorts on, must be time for a…yep. It’s a hike. No kissing in the temple. They should’ve had a sign that says, “No stupid conversations inside the temple.” Jordan expresses sadness because, something about staring at JoJo’s dad. He’s also unwilling to talk about the next 6 months but he wants to spend the rest of his life with JoJo.

Jordan starts talking and gets lost easily. You can almost see the happiness on his face when he finds a way to close a thought, like David Brent…

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Or 4 year old who’s managed to tie his own shoe.

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The next morning, Jordan does a few situps, they walk out, JoJo repeats her line she used on Robby, “This is our first breakfast”. Then, Jordan does his best bachelor impression by looking out over a railing and puts the exclamation point on this thing by wearing women’s capri pants to the rose ceremony.

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Who saw this coming??? Luke can’t not be the next Bachelor, and so we’ll push past our surprise and focus on that. He will be back.

Luke has a way of talking that reminds me of an early 90’s slow jam where the one dude in the group starts talking tenderly. Like each of Luke’s words never hit that last sound. The words Luke says are so precious that they fade into the air before he’s even done saying them.

And that’s Luke—severely bowlegged and precious. Fading into oblivion.

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Sad Santa, Sadnta goes home. Nick will be fine, though. He seems like a nice guy and he’s an electrical engineer. I swear electrical engineers always have nice families and he can probably afford a sweet house, especially where he lives in Florida. You’re a good man, Nick B.

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Storms a-brewin! He’s started calling her, “Joelle”. It’s the kind of cheese you can only get from somebody who drinks out of a plastic wine glass in a plastic up.

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Robby shows up to dinner in a thick t-shirt and sport coat. Then, “Joelle” starts getting real. Robby’s face looks like a tomato at the grocery store right after it gets spritzed by the mister.

I feel like the producers have been keeping Robby around all season so they could laugh at his lisp when he says “fantasy suite”. JoJo tells us she loves Robby and that she’s ready to be intimate with him. She even real-cries! Could this guy actually win this thing????? This guy in the photo up there???? Think of how pissed off Chad would be if a guy like Robby won this show? JoJo sends him away with zero assurances but he’s still around because there has to be at least two dudes left at the end.

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Again, a guy that goes down and is kind of adorable doing it. I’d love to tell you that Vinny is a straight shooter…that he’s on the level….that he’s the ruler of south florida, but those would be more hairline jokes and i just can’t make them after seeing the guy tear up like that with his delicate bracelet kind of dangling on top of his shirt cuff. I hope Vinny finds a nice girl that appreciates all that he is. And I’m kind of stoked for him that he got on this show. It’s a big deal and something tells me he could use a big deal. Best of luck, vin.

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We’ve already talked about it. Just seeing Wells’s face is making me super anxious again. I’m not worried about it though. I think he’ll do fine back in Nashville. The guy is a radio DJ. He should have tons of gals coming after him. “Besa mi” – Nashville.