Close your eyes. Let me take you on a journey. Wait, open them because you have to read this. Sometimes I forget how reading works.
You’re sitting on the comfiest living room couch in the world. You can smell dinner cooking in the oven. In the distance, the murmur of children playing, because the bonus room is right off the living room. All of a sudden, the dinner is burned! But here’s the thing everybody—it doesn’t matter. Why? Because, twist, the sauvignon blanc you’re drinking goes better with the pizza you’ll have delivered.
This was Robby’s dream for his and JoJo’s life. It’s also what I hope happened with all of you while you were watching the finale last night. It’s also also the most cliché rom-com thing I’ve ever heard. Catherine Heigel and James Marsden would look at this and laugh.
Robby’s pre-proposal talked about a love that you only see in fairy tales. In 2 more minutes of research I just learned that many of his friends think Robby says things like that because he’s gaynotthattheresanythingwrongwiththat.
I don’t see it.
I’ve always assumed Robby is just cheesy. Cheesy in the way a high school boy goes way over the top for his first girlfriend. If you’re dating Robby you are in constant fear he’s going to show up to your office on a white horse, dressed like a Knight in actual shining armor. And I think that’s what was behind JoJo telling him that she couldn’t picture the two of them having normal, stupid conversations together. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re being serenaded with a GooGoo Dolls song at a farmer’s market. Close your eyes and picture Robby on a Saturday morning in public. He’s wearing a pastel shirt with just the bottom button buttoned, isn’t he? He’s singing “If you could hide besiiiiide me maybe for a while, and I won’t tell noooo one your name. I won’t tell em your name.” right next to where they’re selling organic leeks, isn’t he? And that’s at the beginning of that song! Could you stand there and take that for another 4 minutes?
Many people will say that Robby was the safe choice. There’s no safety in “Name”.
And that leaves our winner. We wondered if taking a famous brother-in-law off the table would have JoJo saying goodbye to Jordan. What we forgot is that the drama of having a rift with a famous brother-in-law is actually more appealing. JoJo loves drama, unless she doesn’t but let’s assume she really does. Jordan also loves drama, literally. He’s in musicals and stuff.
What else is there to say about him? Is he a fraud? I don’t know. He seems like the type of person that is constantly interviewing for a job. If you went on a fishing trip with him and some buddies, would he be checking his twitter for likes the whole time? Would he hit on the girl you like because come on, if you really liked her you’d want what’s best for her right?
Or maybe he’s nice and normal.
Speaking of, how charming was JoJo’s family?
1 google search and 3 minutes of reading shows that JoJo’s mom is Iranian and has children from a previous marriage. JoJo’s dad is from Tennessee and also has kids from a previous marriage. Whose kids showed up in Thailand to meet Jordan and Robby? I have no idea. Maybe Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore can help us figure it out.
Please reach out and let me know that I’m not the only person who’s seen this. I don’t want to be alone right now. Not with Goo Goo Dolls stuck in my head.
Will JorJo make it? Who’s to say? I’m going to believe in them because I believe in foreverlove. It doesn’t mean I want to share a lake cabin with them for a weekend but I hope they’re happy. I also hope that Chris Harrison can fulfill his wishes and use the show to repair the Rodger’s brothers broken relationship. Because that is what this show is all about. It’s why we watch. Because The Bachelorette teaches us things and makes the world a better, realer place.
I’ve had fun these past months, and I hope you have too. Now, it’s on to paradise—where the life lessons continue.
Something to listen to while you look down at all the heartbreak. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8
Gosh dang that was bad. Does it get worse than watching a guy pouring his heart out and trying really hard while knowing he’s about to get dumped? Yes it does. Put him in a comically bad outfit, make him lay down on a horse, and then dump him. I feel like JoJo was 5 more miles in the SUV away from giving up and asking Alex to help her discuss whether to chose Jordan or Luke. The kissing with the chips in his mouth thing. It was just…Alex is every guy who’s ever liked a girl who’s liked somebody else. Put this guy on Bachelors in Paradise and I could see him falling hard for one of the twins from Ben Higgins’s season. Good luck in love, sweet Alex.
Chase has a fun side? He refers to JoJo as “unstoppable” then starts talking in lists: Saltwater, fisherman, monkeys, fish. JoJo gives the “you’ve been so great” which is code for, “thanks for being a safe distraction on my journey to foreverlove with someone who is not you. I’ve really enjoyed our time. Have a rad summer-JoJo”.
Somehow Chase survives a dinner date with ominous tones but we all know the axe is about to drop. JoJo does what JoJo does and leaves to get some air. Was JoJo the girl in middle school that was always crying by her locker, forcing everybody to worry about her? I feel like she ruined a lot of 13 year old dudes.
But that’s beside the point. Chase is shattered. He uses his math skills and aks JoJo if love = get the eff-word out. Crack a brew and hop in a minivan.
It’s over, Chase. Or is it? This break up just will not die. It’s begging for mercy, like Dutch interacting with the Predator: KILL ME NOW!!!
Only this isn’t a trick. We really want this thing to just end. JoJo cries and we’re back on track. Bye Chase. See you tonight at the Men Tell All.
I mean…We’re here to make sense of this show and maybe have a little fun along the way. Evan is just too easy a target. No other guy has me watching with my arms waving like Evan. When he’s on screen I am talking to my TV. I’m looking at my wife to make sure she saw and heard what i just did. A big part of me wants to write a thousand words about Evan’s hair, his goatee, his job, his jewelry and on and on. But, a bigger part of me wants to take the guy under my wing, give him a hug, and tell him it’s all gonna be alright. I imagine people hanging out with Evan kind of get through it and then have to go sit somewhere and look into the distance to just let everything sink in. Like, you grab coffee with Evan and then after you drop him off you have to go to a different coffee shop and sit there for a second. And that’s a lot of caffeine. The guy seems lost and I hope he finds whatever it is he’s looking for. I hope he has pals at the penis clinic who will grab a bite with him at lunch. I think of Evan and I’m reminded of Andy Samberg in my favorite scene of the hit film, That’s My Boy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t-ljfykXzM
He wants to be a part of things but he’s a little late and a little off. And I bet grandmothers boo him. 😦
JoJo’s got her choker and ripped yoga shorts on, must be time for a…yep. It’s a hike. No kissing in the temple. They should’ve had a sign that says, “No stupid conversations inside the temple.” Jordan expresses sadness because, something about staring at JoJo’s dad. He’s also unwilling to talk about the next 6 months but he wants to spend the rest of his life with JoJo.
Jordan starts talking and gets lost easily. You can almost see the happiness on his face when he finds a way to close a thought, like David Brent…
Or 4 year old who’s managed to tie his own shoe.
The next morning, Jordan does a few situps, they walk out, JoJo repeats her line she used on Robby, “This is our first breakfast”. Then, Jordan does his best bachelor impression by looking out over a railing and puts the exclamation point on this thing by wearing women’s capri pants to the rose ceremony.
Who saw this coming??? Luke can’t not be the next Bachelor, and so we’ll push past our surprise and focus on that. He will be back.
Luke has a way of talking that reminds me of an early 90’s slow jam where the one dude in the group starts talking tenderly. Like each of Luke’s words never hit that last sound. The words Luke says are so precious that they fade into the air before he’s even done saying them.
And that’s Luke—severely bowlegged and precious. Fading into oblivion.